The “here’s dinner and that’s that- eat it or fix your own- or go hungry” is likely the best system. However everyone despises a very few foods (Mine is brussels sprouts) and the “4 item list” that ggurl mentions could be a fair way of handling that. the kid gets exactly 4 items that won’t be served. Everything else is fair game (Ok, creamed spinach & liver is unfair to spring on him, though!), and he either eats it, fixes his own, or doesn’t eat.
I am up there with my picky eating issues – am 20 and go to college.
I vaguely remember my parents forcing me to eat everything on my plate, including meatloaf and peas and what not, but as I got older, it became more of my own choice. I still don’t eat vegetables (though I do love beef vegetable soup! but don’t have that enough). I usually eat chicken at least twice a day, and rarely if ever go to the “line” as opposed to the deep fried grill (though my student jobs are physically demanding as a female sometimes, so I don’t gain weight, just not healthy to eat like this).
There will be days when my body will revolt, and DEMAND carrots, celery, etc – I simply give in for a while, until its happen again, although its quite subpar intake. Sometimes its better to be happy than to risk happiness for healthiness; yet the main issue lies with their age and the level of choice/freedom that should be given accordingly. My parents DID make me clear my plate (I’d have to sit at the table, sometimes alone!) but when I got older, they adjusted to my eccentries, and I merely cooked my own meal (be it a sandwich, chicken, etc) as it became more my choice of what goes on with my body.
/S
It sounds to me like she is already in a power struggle if the child is vomiting at the table. Has she tried backing right off? Has she talked to her paed about that behaviour?
starving a child for 3 days is child abuse and it would be a really bad thing to do if the power struggle is already in play.
I do cook separate meals but that’s because I don’t want to exist on french fries and sausages for the foreseeable future 
When my son gets older I’ll hope he’s not a picky eater… otherwise I’ll probably do what my parents did with me.
Rules were:
Take what you are going to eat. Take small amounts and you can always take more after and do your best to finish what is on your plate. (Well my dad made me finish everything on my plate, took me a bit to break that habit which actually helped me lose weight. With my son I plan to encourage him to eat as much as he wishes, but if he can’t finish I won’t force it.)
If something new is on the table, try a bite of it. If you don’t like it you don’t have to eat it, but at least TRY some before you say you don’t like it. (This has stood me in good stead in recent years, my tastebuds have expanded to different things that I may have refused to try at one time)
A second meal was never made, though an existing meal could be modified somewhat to adjust for tastes (like some chicken would be breaded and some would just be plain) or as my aunt does you have to eat two veggies. It can be the two cooked veggies on the table (not counting potatoes) or one of them and cold veggies with dip.
I really don’t know what advice to give, except how old is the boy? Sometimes kids go through a phase where they will only eat one or two things and it isn’t really harmful as long as they get out of it. This doesn’t sound much like that though, it sounds a little extreme and doesn’t seem to have been helped by his father’s sharing of his disgust or his mother making different meals for everyone.
I disliked certain foods as a child and I still dislike these same foods today. I was forced to sit there and eat everything on my plate and it did make me sick. Everyone has some foods they dislike and I would never force anyone to eat something they really couldn’t stomach.
Both my kids went through stages of only eating certain things. I just made meals which the kids could eat to save any confrontations. They both grew out of it and it was never a big drama because I didn’t make it one. I certainly don’t believe in making separate meals. I have a friend who makes 4 or 5 different meals a night to suit the different members of her family, that is just ludicrous.
The father making an effort is probably the best thing in this situation especially if the boy emulates his father. It has to look enjoyable and yummy for the child to want to try something new. If the paediatricians aren’t worried then I wouldn’t be too concerned.
I’m not sure there’s anything you can do. Pickyness is a learned behavior and nce it’s part of the behavior pattern, it’s hard to break. I raised my kids on a wide variety of foods and never let them dictate dinner. If they didn’t want to eat, their plate went into the fridge and came out when they said they were hungry.
My stepson was given whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. Now he gripes about every single meal. If it’s not pizza, it’s not good enough for him.
I could write an entire pit thread on the Crunchberries incident.
I’m not a parent, so my advice may not be worth anything, but I’ll give it a shot.
It seems to me that the kid’s puking is the just a means of control. Once he learned that it gets him what he wants, he decided to run with it.
I suggest a more hardcore approach. Mom cured my picky eating by putting my meal on my plate and telling me to eat it. If I didn’t - well, nothing to eat until the next meal.
Eventually I got hungry and I ate.
Seriously, the kid isn’t going to die of malnutrition. When he learns the concept of “eat what’s on my plate or go hungry” he’ll not be a picky eater any more.
It’s not starving them when you are offering them food, and no kid without a problem would go three days without eating out of pickiness.
My kids are a little picky at times, but this usually signifies that they have been snacking between meals, or just aren’t ready for their meals; one thing I have been very firm about is that they WILL NOT say “this is disgusting” about the food that I spend time, trouble and imagination preparing for them (on the very odd occasion that I do actually produce something inedible, I’ll be the first to admit it.
Neither is it permitted to say that they don’t like something they have never tasted - I tell them that if they try a small piece (and actually chew it long enough to taste it), then I’ll accept their opinion on the subject.
Sounds harsh I suppose, but I have a daughter aged 8 and a son aged 5 - often he will be put off trying something solely by the verbal protests of his older sister, so I have to make it an absolute rule that blurting out loud and unsupported complaints about food is always unacceptable.
As kids, both my brother and I were very picky eaters. My mom took me to the doctor and tried to get him to tell me to eat more. What he said was, “If she doesn’t want to eat, then she shouldn’t have to eat, but no snacks between meals!” I wish she’d listened to him, because the results of her forcing us to eat foods we “hated” were enduring. My brother grew to hate spinach so much that now he breaks out in hives from eating it; personally, I truly believe this is a psychosomatic reaction. He still will barely eat anything but meat, potatoes, and pasta. I am a vegetarian and though my tastes range wide, there are still things I won’t touch.
My advice, not from parenting but from being parented, is to let the kid eat what he wants from the dinner his parents cook. If he doesn’t eat it all, fine. But then, he should wait until his next meal before he is allowed to eat anything else. I bet he’ll come around. Fighting over it will only make mealtimes more stressful and will decrease his desire to cooperate.
I used a similar version to ggirl’s with my two kids – they were each allowed 3 meals they didn’t have to eat. When I prepared one of those meals, I would cook them something else instead. For instance, my daughter hates beans, so if I made pinto beans and cornbread for the rest of us, I will make her an omelet, or heat her up a frozen pizza instead. Other than these “free” meals, I never serve as a short-order cook – they can eat what’s on the table or do without. If there is one item on the menu one of them doesn’t like, they just leave that item and fill up on the rest. For instance, my son disliked meat loaf (he’s gotten over this, BTW), but he didn’t put it on his “free meal” list because he knew that I always serve Rice-a-Roni, corn and salad with meat loaf, and he would eat the side dishes and leave the 'loaf.
They were not allowed to bitch at the table about the food I served, BTW – no “this is yucky!” allowed. And, while a guest at someone else’s home, they had to eat what was put in front of them without complaint and thank their host or hostess for it afterwards.
Ah, memories. I always was a picky eater, and still am. I distinctly recall throwing up once as a child after being persuaded to try potato salad… certain textures just induced my gag reflex. Couldn’t eat sprinkles on ice cream either. My folks did manage to get me to at least try other foods though … through bribery. 
I was something of a mercenary child, it seems.
Still, it wasn’t so severe a case as the OP’s friend’s child… I’d honestly suggest the mother find out a handful of things the child does want to eat, and then try the ‘eat what you’ve got in front of you, or go hungry’ method… that way if she gets worried about his non-eating, she can always give him a break with something he’s said he likes.
Another one I forgot; drinks - all drinks between meals to be low sugar - I think there was a study a while back showing that kids will be quite content to get their energy requirments from sugar in drinks and not eat as much.
I’m all for offering a variety of foods and then simply not pressing the matter. I don’t believe in forcing kids to “eat everything on the plate.” As a poster mentioned above, that can set people up for obesity later, as we learn to feel guilty if we do not clear the multi-portion meal at a restaurant as adults. Many of us, in order to lose weight later, must re-learn the skill of actually leaving something on the plate to prevent overeating.
And since nobody has mentioned this, maybe I’m way off base, so de-bunk me if necessary but… IMHO, if the picky eater is to the point of actually vomiting at the dinner table, and we Dopers have agreed this is probably more of a control and/or attention issue than diet, abuse, neglect or starvation… Isn’t that child being set up for an eating disorder later in life? My understanding of eating disorders is that they are a symptom of not feeling control over one’s own life. Forcing the issue and making kids try things, clean their plates or eat things they find distasteful… I dunno. It seems like all that can just backfire on you as the child becomes a grown up and can’t quite let go of all the dinner table traumas.
As many people have said in this thread, we all have a few foods we can’t stand. Some of us have more than others, but in general people’s taste expands as we grow up. Nobody who is otherwise healthy (mentally and physically) will allow themselves to starve. In fact, I find, now that I’m dieting, I will eat a lot more foods that I used to pass by. Not because they taste better suddenly, but because I’ve limited myself on what I can eat so if it’s allowed… I’ll eat anything!
I just wanted to mention eating disorders and perhaps suggest you mention that to your friend. I don’t think any parent should go so far as to cause that sort of thing, but at the same time parents must set and enforce the limits and not let their kids run the kitchen either. IANA Parent, so you may take this post with a grain of salt.
I was, and remain, a picky eater. At least when it comes to some things. What I will not eat I will by God NOT EAT. Most of those are things adulturated with the evil mustard or mayo or tomato chunks, though if it’s a tomato sauce with chunks I can eat around the chunks. One slice of raw tomato contaminates a salad into inedibility to me, though. Or a hint of honey-mustard type dressing. shudder Seeing as I’m 28 I think that’s my right. My mom used the “you have to try a bite, but you don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it” system, which probably helped me a good bit. But she can’t do it to me anymore. If I can’t immediately detect any suspect ingredients I’ll usually try stuff, though.
Just don’t do like her father, and push and push and push a kid to eat until they won’t. It drove her up the wall when I was little because I would simply refuse to eat under the pressure when we visited her parents. Even to this day, I lose my appetite when there’s pressure to eat. For example, don’t give me breakfast before about 10 AM, because the thought of eating early makes me ill. Yes, you are being hospitable and I appreciate it but I am NOT HUNGRY. You wake up hungry. I do not. I appreciate the gesture. Just give me coffee, please. I’m still trying to convince Grandma that I’m not going to waste away because I don’t chow down at 7 AM.
Stubborn? Me? Oh yeah.
Some of you suggested that she find foods that he likes and cook that.
Well, she does know what he likes and cooks that. That’s the problem, though. She’s tired of making multiple dinners. I don’t blame her, because I would be pretty sick and tired of chicken nuggets, too!
My parents always had the rule that you had to try a food at least once. Then, if you didn’t like it, you were excused from eating it. You were not, under any circumstances, allowed to ‘hate’ it or call it yucky, etc.
There has been mention of eating disorders. I don’t know about that. That’s why I suggested that she see a nutrionalist. I just really think that he takes his clues from his dad. His dad used to be (and to a point still is) a nightmare to go out to eat with. I would always feel like slipping the waiter an extra $5 with a note that says, “When you spit in the food out of agrivation, kindly remember me, the no-fuss person”.
Most of the advice presented above is quite good. However, I want to throw in the reminder that sometimes pickiness is not just about the child trying to gain control, or snacking between meals, or some of the other alternatives already mentioned. Occasionally, pickiness is the result of things such as hypersensitivity to particular flavors. Bitterness, for example. My parents spent years being baffled about my absolute unwillingness to eat foods that they thought were pretty harmless. Heck, I was baffled too; I didn’t have the ability to describe the wretchedly vile taste certain foods produced in my mouth. Even a couple strips of lettuce could ruin an entire burrito. My parents could not understand why I would refuse to eat something I typically loved. My mom’s favorite line was “Oh come on, you can’t even taste the lettuce among all the other ingredients!” But I could. Today my sensitivity to bitterness is much less acute, and I am able to eat (and sometimes even enjoy) foods I could not stand before.
Anyway, despite my own personal experiences, I’m totally in favor of parents using many of the methods mentioned above. My parents used them, and they got me to eat a few foods I avoided irrationally, and which I now love. My only advice is to remember to consider alternate explanations for bizarre pickiness – such as hypersensitivity to bitterness, undiagnosed allergies, etc. – before deciding that your kid is just a royal pain in the neck.
Another picky eater checking in. The general rule at our house was eat what is in front of you or go hungry, which isn’t necessarily the best way. But it was more of a taste two bites and then I was let off the hook. Nothing ever killed me. For me, it wasn’t a power struggle–I pretty did what my parents told me to do. I just simply did not like a lot of foods.
I am a slightly more adventurous eater now but I stopped eating red meat and pork in college. When I am at my parents’ house, I just skip the meat sections and fill up on the rest. It helped that my uncle’s wife is a vegan so I look easy to accomodate in comparision. My dad’s even occasionally been known to make turkey burgers or cook lasagna with turkey meat for me, if he thinks about it ahead of time. But he still rolls his eyes when he discovers a new thing that I don’t like.
If my kids turn out to be picky eaters, I will be totally sympathetic. I would expect them to taste a bite of it, but I would offer them the option of preparing something else.
This kid is me 8 years ago. I basically lived on special k, white bread and milk. All I can suggest is that he try some foreign food. What ‘cured’ me was that my family sometimes went to yum-cha chinese resteraunts, where you order lots of small dishes and everyone has some. This is great because it’s unusual food (I always loved the smell of chinese food, it’s so exotic) and if I didn’t like something, which, to my surprise, was quite rare, everyone else at the table got to eat the rest so it didn’t matter. Partly it was the way you can casually try new things, and partly it was the interesting new kinds of food that I didn’t have any kind of predjudice against. So basically try lots of different stuff, don’t pressure the kid, and hope he finds some stuff he likes, and realises that maybe some other stuff he thought was gross isn’t all that bad.
Don’t get me wrong, tho. I’m still fussy. I don’t eat most fruit, and I hate spinach and the like, and I don’t drink carbonated beverages (so no beer, coke, champaign, sprite etc.), but I eat meat and most vegetables if they’re prepared in an interesting way. Like me he probably won’t ever be completely normal.
Picky eater checking in here. There’s stuff I wouldn’t eat as a kid and there’s stuff I won’t eat now. And I have tried most of the stuff I don’t like and I don’t like it. Eat or go hungry? I’d go hungry.
I hafta agree with let him eat whatever’s on his plate that he’ll eat, don’t make seperate meals, and heck, maybe he’ll try it.