Absolutely this :nodding: As an adult, I’ve found it rare to find this kind of friend. The people in my life I put into this category are those very few I’ve known for a long time.
Casual friends are just that – casual. You might go out to dinner with them, invite them to a party, be comfortable enough with them to “shoot the shit”, but they never go past an invisible barrier for any number of reasons.
I’ll add to this that I don’t think an adult should be winding up in many situations that require 2 am calls to friends. In a genuine emergency you call 911. Most other problems can wait until a decent hour. Of the exceptions that are coming to mind, the geographic closeness of a friend will likely be at least as important as emotional closeness. I mean, my best friend would feel sorry for me if I somehow wound up stranded at the airport with no money for a cab, but it would be impractical for her to drive across several states to pick me up and take me home.
Do you practice a religion? If you do, church members are a very good source of friends as well as dates. Since you both are attending a church, you probably share something already.
What about hobbies? Look in your local community events bulletin (check the public library) for things that interest you and that may contain people that share at least something with you. Like SF? Look for a literary SF discussion group, Lan party gaming group, or anime club and see who you find. Like sewing? There may be a knitting, dressmaking, or reenactment group that could be calling your name.
Have kids or have some you can borrow (i.e. neices, nephews, or grandchildren)? Take them to a kids activity and meet the other adults.
It seems that an important aspect in finding a friend as an adult is finding some common bond. Whatever that is, find it.
It is very true that modern American friendships are strikingly casual compared to other context. Apparently, English speakers used to practice much closer friendships, but ceased to do so, quite possibly when touching became sexualized. A look at older English language literature reveals a huge amount of friendly, nonsexual intimacy. A good example (to pick an overt one) is the 19th century novel “Tom Brown’s Schooldays”. In it, we see teen boys in extremely emotionally intimate situations, such as sharing of deep emotional concerns, handholding, and cuddling. Example:
East stopped speaking, and pegged away more diligently than ever with his pencil. Tom was ready to cry…(spoiler redacted by me, get the book if you’re interested) He got up and went and sat by East, and put his arm over his shoulder.
“Dear old boy,” he said, “how careless and selfish I’ve been. But why didn’t you come and talk to Arthur and me?”
I am distant friends with one person from high school. All of my good, long-term friends have come into my life through other paths. One was a next-door neighbor for a year; two friendships are job related, others were hobby related.
Friendship is a relationship. You have to determine if you want to persue this person as your friend. Once you know them better, you get to decide whether they really are the type of friend you want. It’s been very worthwhile for me. I feel I have fantastic friends and they are worth the effort I put in to maintain the friendship.
That sounds creepy. I’m generally ok with “good company over a beer”.
fag!
Yeah, that too. For me, one of the markers of a close friend is boundaries. Like, are you close enough that if you want to stay with me, it’s more of a, “I’ll be in town” type thing or is it more that they have to formally ask. I mean, I have one friend who comes into town a few times a year and it’s just generally assumed she’ll stay. (I have a pretty tiny place so it’s not super conducive to house guests as a rule.) Or how comfortable do I feel discussing really personal subjects with them. The kidney thing or the “Call at 2 am” thing…just not really things I’d associate with friendship, necessarily.
Sure, “close friend” is different than just “friend”. You said “friends” in your original post, so that’s what I was using.
Even at that, my 5 closest friends are: my wife (met after graduate school), my brother, a friend from high school, a friend from college, and a friend I met about 5 years ago. These are the “help them hide the bodies”, etc… friends who I’d do anything for, and who’d do anything for me. They break up 3 to 1 in the post high-school category.
I have several college friends who are just on the cusp of being that category, but I just don’t see them enough anymore to be that close.
Really, I think people are people- there are friends, then there are “close friends” who are in an entirely different category, regardless of the culture.
Yeah. My standard is that my friends make sure they don’t ever have a reason to call me at 2:00am looking for help. First time someone calls me I’ll gladly prove I’m a good friend for almost anyone. The second time they call me at 2:00am they’ve proven that a “friend” isn’t what they are looking for.
For the OP, you make friends by doing the things you like to do and talking to the people that are doing the same thing. Have interests of your own and the friends will come. Best friends just grow from that.