This may seem like a really stupid question, but I bought a bottle of wine and I just realized I don’t know how to open it. I almost never drink wine (I’m more into the girly drinks that come in those big pre-mixed jugs), but I just felt like having some tonight. It’s a corked opening, not a twist-off. (Well, obviously, or I would know how to open it.) I’d just wait until tomorrow when I could go buy a corkscrew, but I was really looking forward to having some tonight. Any way I can open this using knives/forks/pens/etc (preferably without spilling the wine)?
If the wine is worth drinking, wait till you have a corkscrew. If you try to get the cork out with other tools, you’re likely to end up with bits of cork all through your wine. You might be able, if you’re determined to get into it sans corkscrew, to push the cork down into the bottle, but you’ll likely end up spilling wine and getting cork bits into it.
If it’s one of the newfangled plastic corks, of course, you won’t be able to crumble it into pieces and you’ll be able to do more experimentation without making it necessary to sieve the wine. You’d still be at high risk of slicing a digit off, of course, in the attempt.
So, yeah. Get a corkscrew (maybe the convenience store on the corner sells them? Or maybe I’m just accustomed to living in a booze-intensive neighborhood).
Push the cork in, then carefully pour out the wine.
If its a nice bottle of wine this solution is right out the window, but if you’re desperate you can just push the cork into the bottle instead of pulling it out. Never done it myself, but definately have friends that have (I’m a student you see…).
Or you could knock on a neighbor’s door and ask to borrow a corkscrew. Could be a win-win situation if you pick the right neighbor.
Explosives?
Another option: If you know somebody who has a long enough syringe, you can draw out the plunger to fill the barrel with air, and then push the needle through the cork and pressurize the bottle by depressing the plunger and forcing the air inside. That will (or should) push the cork slowly out from within, if you do it carefully enough.
Now, why you’d have access to a syringe and not a corkscrew, that would be a different story… 
I’ve seen this on MAS*H several times. Just bust the neck of the bottle off on the fender of your Jeep.
Screw a couple of wood screws into the cork, then pull it out with vice-grips.
Sure, that’d probably work, but what do you really think that someone who doesn’t have a corkscrew is likely to have vicegrips?
What home is complete without a swiss-army style knife?
Or-for the hard core metal shop devotees, all you need is a piece of .100" steel wire about 9" long. First, sharpen one end to a point with a mill file, and then clamp the sharpened end onto a length of .250" rod stock at about a 15° angle from perpendicular. Grab the opposite end of the .100" wire with a pair of pliers, and using a medium air-acetylene flame, heat the wire such that you can wrap it around the rod stock in corkscrew fashion. After about four turns, form the remainder of the wire into a handle shape and allow the assembly to cool. Once you’ve removed it from the rod stock, you’ll still want to harden the finished corkscrew, best done with a broad flame and an oil quenching.
Now you’re ready to enjoy a glass of wine undeterred by a mere cork!
Yes, I do spend too much time in the workshop-why do you ask? 
Or you could build your own vacuum pump, using the instructions here:
http://www.dream-models.com/eco/vacuumpump.html
Then simply attach the suction hose to the neck of the wine bottle, and the cork’ll pop right out!
(Careful! Cut off the suction when the cork is 3/4 out, or all the wine’ll be sucked away!)
This is a long shot, but if you have an old-style bottle/can opener, there’s usually a corkscrew on the side of it.
Nahh, too complicated.
Depending on the size of cork chunks, either use a normal strainer or some cheesecloth.
The idea of asking a neighbor works, too. Unless you’re puring for a date. Even then, well… 
Heat it up and let the pressure push the cork out?
not liable for injuries
Some really good ideas here, not for nothing are we Doptonians the cream of society.
But it saddens me that none of these otherwise clever options require the use of duct tape.
You could duct tape around the neck before breaking the bottle on our jeep, thus avoiding getting glass all over the place. Might keep some out of the wine too.
If, per danceswithcats , you build your own you’ll surely need to duct tape the handle to avoid stabbing your self.
If you pressurize the bottle you might want to duct tape it, just in case the glass is weaker than the cork. Some of them suckers are right tuff.
If you’re a strong person you can use pair of pliers to cut off the end of coat hanger (at an angle to make a nice sharp point) then twist it around a chopstick or some other narrow, round, shaft with approx 1/8" - 1/4" spacing between the spiral “twists”. Make the remaining wire into a “T” at the top. Slowly twist in and slowly pull out. Once the bottle is open, drink most of the bottle and once you’re good and hammered, call up a bunch of your old boyfriends.
Hmm, I had a similar experience about a month ago. After a breaking the corkscrew off a cheeeeap pocket knife and slicing open a finger, I gave up. Boy, was I tempted to try the MAS*H method mentioned above. Still ended up with corky bits in the wine after using a newly-purchased corkscrew, from the attempts the night before to get it out without one. Moral of the story: It’s not worth it, wait until you have a corkscrew.
I have heard of folks holding the bottle upside down and shaking it. Kind of raise the bottle up over your head and then bring it down fast, stopping suddenly. The wine wants to keep moving and pushes on the cork, hopefully pushing it out. This has the added benefits of giving you a good work out and keeping your friends in stitches as long as you keep trying. I imagine that once the cork is out a bit, you can grab it and twist it out with your hand. I don’t know if this would even work, but I’m thinking of trying it tomorrow . . . in the name of science of course.
cj