Well, personally, I’m not going to stand in the street and yell at a homeless guy for opening a door.
Ambi: This has obviously been a big issue for you for a long time, and will continue to be an issue for the rest of your life (picture yourself not only on wheels but also elderly). It’s only gonna get worse. So instead of opening up a new dialog in your head each time it happens, why not just accept that it will happen and retaliate with an automatic response. You’re only hurting yourself when you continue with this crisis each and every time. Just recognize the fact that some people have issues, and you’re not obligated to feed into them. It’s their problem, not yours.
After you politely ask him not to do it, and ask that a few times (repeatedly on sequential days, because, you know, he might be a little slow), then if he continues to do it you can just open the other door yourself and go through that.
Better than yelling at a homeless guy in the street. Assuming there are two doors.
No, there is not unfortunately. It’s one of those “two doors, only one works” places 
And he opens it before I even get within 10 feet of the door. AND looks into the 7-11 periodically to see if anyone is leaving, so he can open it on the way out.
I use a cane sometimes, and I’ve run into this issue a couple times. I would have been even ruder, I would park my ass right in front of the door and refuse to go through, maybe while yelling in badly broken english, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.” I believe in returning awkward straight to the sender, and you did it more tactfully than I would have, so I don’t think you are being unreasonable Ambi.
Horseshit. That’s just an excuse for people in power to systematically ignore your requests, and it’s common enough to have it’s own name - tone policing.
Try to imagine that they are offering her sex instead, but are still not taking no for an answer. Do you get why that is uncool? IMO, It’s the same basic issue of respecting other’s bodily autonomy, but turned down from eleven to two.
Except Ambivalid did NOT “yell and belittle” the person giving unwanted “help”. He made it clear the “help” was not helpful and not wanted.
As far as “yelling and belittling” go… back when I was a young woman in my 20’s in Chicago I was walking home with my groceries when a man I did not know came up, took the bags from me to “help” me, then asked where I lived so he could carry them home. I said I did not need or want his help, give me back my groceries. He refused to do that, insisted he was only helping, and again asked where I lived. He didn’t give my back my stuff or leave me alone until I did, indeed, started yelling and attracting a lot of attention.
Perhaps coincidentally, a week later the cops arrested a rapist who’s typical mode of operation was to “help” women with groceries, laundry, or packages to their homes, then rape them once they opened the door to go inside.
It’s a bit of an extreme example, but certainly if you personal safety is potentially at risk it’s entirely appropriate to yell and make a fuss.
If they were trying to cram the cookie down her throat or into her vagina and wouldn’t take “No” for an answer, then I would agree with you. :rolleyes:
That looks like yelling and belittling to me.
I agree that if you believe that personal safety is potentially at risk, it’s entirely appropriate to yell and make a fuss.
In theory, I don’t disagree. But in practice, it almost never works this way. Next time that guy sees **Ambivalid **do you think he’ll say, “there’s the guy who taught be an important lesson?” Or will he say, “there’s the asshole that chewed me out for opening the damn door for him!” It would be great if his takeaway was the former. But it won’t be. As a matter of fact, I’d bet a paycheck that guy told the story to someone else later that day and framed it such as the latter instance.
And of course the door-opener was only doing it for himself. Most people aren’t polite because they genuinely want to help others. It’s because they don’t want to be seen as an impolite dickwad. I certainly don’t hold the door for people because I really want them to get in the building before me. But I know if I don’t hold the door, someone will see that and think, “that was rude.”
At the end of the day, there’s no wrong way to feel about this situation for either person. This is clearly not the first time Ambivalid’s wishes were ignored, and that’s got to be frustrating as hell. But the other guy certainly thought he was doing the thing that was least likely to make him seem like the bad guy and it backfired on him. And now both of them have a story to tell that ends with, “can you believe that frickin’ guy?”
The context makes it clear that he shouted to the guy so he could be heard from a distance, not because he was upset at that point.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were going out of your way to make the OP look more belligerent than he was.
I didn’t say he was upset. I said he yelled.
No, that’s my my intention. I just can’t believe people let such little things as opening a door or offering a cookie bother them so much, that’s all. That’s strange to me.
I only offered the 7-11 door guy as an example of something I see every single day. I could get angry and ask him to stop every single time it happens, or just let it go because it isn’t THAT big of a deal. I don’t understand how opening a door or being offered a cookie is THAT big of deal, that’s why I’m asking. I’ve told no one what they SHOULD do, just asked why they don’t just let it go, that’s all.
Sure. But that’s true of every important lesson. The person who needs most to hear it is likely the person who won’t heed it. But there’s a chance, if he hears it enough, it will sink in.
Because I am a different person than you are and I have different experiences and have lived a different life. This makes my reaction to things different than yours. ISN’T THAT WEIRD?
If so, one of the “can you believe that guy?” stories is legitimate, and one is bullshit. If the guy is decent, he’ll take it onboard and improve himself. If he’s not, he won’t. If he’s in the middle, then who knows? I don’t see what the problem is with the response.
They were trying to cram that cookie down her throat, they just were using social forces, as compared to physical force, to do so. That’s why I used that analogy.
Have you ever had someone ignore your no in a way that caused you long-term harm? Based on your dumbass “let it go” comment, I’m guessing no. I suspect that is why you don’t understand why others think this is a bigger deal than you do.
Say “Thanks!” and then throw the cookie in the wastebasket. In front of her.
If I were in Ambivalid’s situation, I would feel like he does, and I would have reacted as he did, or perhaps even more strongly. He was being disrespected, and infantilized.
Maybe, if he were a perfect saint, he could respond to every frekking instance of people thinking “disabled” means “isn’t capable of deciding” with a patient explanation, or bear it with a grin. But that shit’s gotta get old.
If you want a response that is more reasonable than the situation deserved, stop your chair in front of the door when he opens it, and do the broken record routine - “I don’t need help”.
“Go ahead!”
“I don’t need help”.
"Really, it’s no trouble!’
“I don’t need help”.
“What’s the matter with you? I’m just trying to help.”
“I don’t need help”.
“You could at least say Thank You.”
“I don’t need help”.
I had a friend who used a chair, who was both an electrical engineer and a nationally ranked bridge player. When we went out to lunch, the waitress would ask me what he wanted.
I should have responded “ask him, he’s the one who is deciding on your tip” but he was a lot better-natured than I am, and he wouldn’t let me.
Regards,
Shodan
If the guy lacks self-awareness, you are probably right.
But if he does possess some insight, he might have understood the faux pas he made and now won’t do it again. Alternatively, maybe you are right and he will bring up the encounter later with his friends. But instead of validating him, they might be able to explain to him why he deserved a scolding. And he won’t do it again.
I have been sternly put in my place before. It didn’t make me bitter or angry. It made me more aware and more careful about respecting boundaries.
Sent from my SPH-L710 using Tapatalk
NO WAY!!! That must be why I’m asking you why you don’t do it, TO GET A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE!
ISN’T THAT WEIRD???
:rolleyes:
I’ve already agreed that fearing personal harm is a good reason to shout and resist help.
I’m not ready to concede that being offered a cookie at work means they literally want to rape you, or offering to open a door causes long-term harm.