My guess is that she will continue to put cookies on your desk.
People seem to think anyone who says something that hurts your feelings is being rude.
Breeching someone’s boundary is rude. Letting someone know they crossed a line is simply being assertive.
Sent from my SPH-L710 using Tapatalk
^ This.
He asked. You declined and made it clear you meant it. He did it anyway.
Even if it would take you twice as long to get through the door yourself, even if you would find it a tedious and difficult struggle, if you choose that struggle (maybe we’re talking about someone new to using a wheelchair who is trying to get better at it, and knows he has to deal with it and will never get better at these things if others keep doing it for him), for whatever reason, then it is rude and patronizing of him to to insist on doing it for you.
As an able-bodied person it can be difficult for me to watch someone who is clearly disabled struggle with something like a door, but if they decline help I’ll not say anything more than “if you change your mind on that let me know”. Learning when you need to ask for help is part of being a grown up. I’m going to assume you’re a grown up until proven otherwise.
Women get this off and on throughout life.
I’ve had the same thing happen to me. Why not accept the cookie and move on? Because the truth is, I have will power issues when junk food is in my immediate vicinity. If it stays out of sight and out of easy reach, resisting it takes little effort, but if someone hands me 500 calories worth of sweet fatty stuff, my ability to resist it approaches zero.
Sure, I could accept the cookie and then promptly toss it in the trash, but surely you can appreciate that this could be perceived as rude and hostile if Cookie Lady were to see this? So I could do it discreetly, maybe by sneaking off to the breakroom and trashing it in there, but now this means I’m now having to go through some goddamn rigamarole just to avoid a temptation that I could have easily been spared if someone had taken my “no” seriously.
Having been married to a disabled man for 30 years… no, that’s not true in the case of the disabled. That’s the problem with society bias - not only are people of X group marginalized, but when they point it out they get blamed for that marginalization imposed on them by others.
Well, gosh, we can’t expect society to change - next thing you know those colored people are going to want to be called something other than negros and all those newcomers will want to be called Irish instead of micks and :::: laughs :::: WOMEN will be wanting to work outside of the home instead of keeping house for their man and having his dinner and a cocktail ready for him when he gets home. Madness!
[/sarcasm]
I feel that it was wrong of him not to obey your wishes that he not assist you, but I also think you didn’t have to completely trash him, either. I doubt that he’ll ever even make a similar offer again to anyone even if they actually need assistance.
This REALLY aggravates me given my food allergies. At the point of “I know you love cookies!” I’d probably take one and very, very visibly drop it in the trash in front of her while saying “No, I really don’t.” I’ve gotten to the point in life where protecting my health takes precedence over being polite to pushy assholes who don’t listen.
As someone pointed out earlier, “No means no”. That’s not just for women fending off a horny date. It applies to everyone. No means no. Doesn’t matter if it’s cookies, holding a door, carrying a package or what. No means no.
For a while, I had a coworker who put cookies on my desk despite my clearly and unambiguously stating that I couldn’t eat things that involve wheat, barley, rye, or oats. My favorite is when she did that while I was gone on vacation!
If this is a cultural thing and not an individual thing, we need even more to correct it. We can’t just shrug off a culture that says that no means push harder next time.
Amusing simul-post!
There’s a homeless guy that opens the door for me at 7-11 every morning. I don’t want him to do it. Should I be rude and tell him to stop opening the door for me?
No, you do not have to deal with stuff like this everyday the way people who use wheelchairs (or walkers, or canes, or whatever) do. YOU can walk faster - they may not be able to.
Sure I CAN. But maybe I don’t want to? And of course, I didn’t mean I deal with condescension or belittling and things like that. I mean people offering to help me with stuff. A lot of people are nice and want to help for whatever reason. I’d personally just rather people leave me alone, but if they offer, I say a polite “no” and if they insist, then I just let them help out with whatever and then, like I said, forget about it after being annoyed for a minute.
You can start by politely asking him not to open the door for you.
Or just ignore it. It’s your choice. That’s another point - it’s your CHOICE. There are several actions you can take in that sort of situation and it really is up to you to choose which one.
It would not be rude for you to say “I would prefer to open the door myself, but thank you for the gesture”.
If he insists on doing so against your stated wishes, then he would be rude, which gives you license to be more blunt.
“Please don’t open the door for me any more. I don’t appreciate it and you’re disrespecting me by ignoring me.”
I can politely ask him, sure. But if he keeps doing it, I guess it’s cool that I yell and belittle him for having the audacity to open a door for me when I asked him not to.
Seems a strange position to take.
That’s a little different, IMO – punching down vs punching up, figuratively speaking. But it’s a choice either way. Berating someone verbally for violating a boundary, even in a very minor way, is acceptable, IMO. In a way, it’s doing them a favor – sharp lessons can be beneficial.
You don’t have to yell and belittle, but yes, it’s cool for you to become more and more blunt to tell him to stop doing something you’ve already told him you don’t want him to do.
Putting yourself at the mercy of another person’s whims because you think doing otherwise is rude seems a strange position to take.