Tell 'em you were trying to convert her into a Catholic cat and she fell into the Communion cup.
Ginger ale. If it can get a wine stain out of a carpet, a cat should be no problem. And it’s non toxic.
Congrats Dooku for the damndest thread I’ve had the pleasure of reading in a while. Perhaps you should change your username to drinkswithcats. 
A second vote for hydrogen peroxide.
If all else fails, I think the answer is obvious—haven’t you ever seen Meet the Parents?
If it’s a question of not freaking out the parents, maybe just put the cat up at the vet for a day or two. He might complain, but you can make it up to him later with a nice Bordeaux.
Or tell the parents to defer their visit until another time - simply cannot be helped, as there is an outbreak of scarlet fever in the area. 
Poor kitty.
Poor Dooku
I dunno, the things the kits get up to these days. 
Oh, hell, I’d be totally amused. What’s the big deal? In college our neighbors had a tux-colored cat who was getting too good at sneaking up on birds, so they did a ‘manic panic’ organic hot pink dye job on his front-- no bird ever failed to notice him again.
White spray paint 
?
- Tamerlane
Just borrow a neighbour’s cat for the day.
This is a no brainer: you’ll have to help the cat lick it’s fur clean.
It’s the only thing that’ll work.
Honest.
Ah, parents. Believe me, I can relate.
Have you tried rubbing alcohol? (rub it on the affected area and keep using a new clean spot on the cloth to avoid smearing). It works wonders on grass stains on horses, might as well give it a whirl if you have some in the house. Unfortunately if the skin is rubbed red, it might be a bit stingy at this point.
If you are unable to find dog-grooming products, you have a few options.
- Horse stores (including PetSmart stores, Tractor Supply and many garden-center type store serving a general agriculture clientele). There is a whitening horse shampoo called QuicsSilver. It is very effective and may even come in a sample size.
- There are bluing (whitening) shampoos available for human hair (they aren’t as strong as QuicSilver) available wherever shampoos are sold. Look for the ones that look kind of… blue.
- In the laundry aisle, there is a product called Mrs. Stewart’s Bluing Agent. It’s in a small b lue bottle with some red on the label and a drawing of Mrs Stewart. Mix a couple of drops with your normal pet shampoo and go to town.
Try Crest white strips or some other kind of tooth whitening stuff. Kitty will be minty fresh!
We use bleach solution around here to clean our counters, and it can do a number on clothes if we happen to lean over the counter. We’re not dead yet.
Conclusion: would a solution of bleach in water kill kitty, as long as she doesn’t lick it?
Can you post a picture of said cat after you’ve tried every single solution we’ve suggested?
…and a pic of yourself after your wife gets a hold of you?
–Cliffy
I empathize, really I do, but I have now laughed so much that I can hardly see to type because of the tearspots on my glasses, and I woke up one of my dogs who is now looking at me like I’m a total lunatic.
That aside, would hydrogen peroxide really be advisable around the nose of poor stained Tuna? That’s pretty close to the eyes, and given the way cats can protest, that’s a little worrisome to me.
Dust your cat with flour. Instant camouflage, and the cat will want to lick it off, so there’s your cleaning taken care of. Better still, dust your cat with cocaine. Then you can both lick it off.
But whatever you do, don’t shave it, or you’ll be getting the same tired old 1970’s era Playboy magazine jokes from everybody who walks in your front door.
While researching how to get red wine stains out of fabric, I found a lot of people recommend white wine. I’ve since found that vinegar works well too (well, it’s all related isn’t it).
However, after the hot water and the time that’s elapsed, I don’t think either will be very effective. Still might be worth a go. Poor kitty.