I am scared that we are going to move in together and I am going to have to teach him how to use the laundry machine.
Child-parent dynamics rarely change just because the kid turns 18. Lots of adults living at home still expect mom to prepare their meals, clean up after them, buy their undies and make their dentist appointments. Living independently provides some level of proof that a potential partner is capable of managing their own affairs and won’t expect you to be the new mom.
To be fair though, its not hard to learn a laundry machine. Even if you’ve never used one, how difficult is it to teach it to someone? As for the other stuff, I can see that as a reason but I would still talk to the guy to see where he stands on it before just assuming he’s going to be like that.
I might. But as many options as I had at 25, the high chance of a dealbreaker like that from the start puts them at the bottom of the list.
If someone doesn’t know how to use a laundry machine, I’d wonder just what other stuff they don’t know. What other stuff am I going to have to talk this person through? And I’d be concerned about all the knowledge gaps waiting to be discovered accidentally (“No one ever told me you never flush a clogged toilet over and over again! How was I supposed to know that! And by the way, I used the good towels to clean up the mess. The washing machine will take care of that, right?”)
I dated a guy who was going on 40 and lived with his parents and it was everything you anticipated. Mom still did his laundry. He didn’t pay them rent (couldn’t afford it) and didn’t even mow the lawn for Dad (my asthma kicks up).
Smart guy, but wasn’t willing to make the compromises that would result in being independent - like moving to a different city for a job, or doing a job that was “beneath” him to get a foot in the door.
It took me a while to break it off with him - he was one of those guys who would show up with flowers and you’d think “well, NOW I can’t tell him to get lost”- but I knew quickly that it was going absolutely no where - I couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t mow the lawn and do their own laundry. I wasn’t going to be the next enabler.
It’s not hard to learn to use the machine.
It is hard to learn to take responsibility for actually doing the household laundry (and cooking, and shopping, and scheduling, and bills) when you are used to it magically being done for you. The shock of moving out for the first time is a pretty good crash course on maintaining a household in some minimally acceptable way. But moving directly from home to a partners household may not facilitate that learning.
Of course not every one is like that. But the world isn’t experiencing any shortage of men to date.
Laundry machine?
I knew one case like this where it seemed like the guy was really exploiting my friend. She had her own place, and he lived with his folks. He would spend Thursday or Friday night through Sunday mid-day with her and the rest of the week with them. She was broke–utterly, wretchedly broke. It wasn’t a choice for her: her family didn’t have resources, she certainly couldn’t stay with them.
I hated to watch them together. He got to a be a “white knight”, giving her gifts, gallantly paying for all their dates, etc., but on a day-to-day level, she was having to spend every minute counting her pennies and worrying if she could keep the lights on. He was significantly benefiting from having a second home where he could crash, have sex, play loud music, watch whatever on TV, but neither of them saw her contribution to the relationship–working her ass off to provide both of them a home–as the same as his, because she wasn’t “giving” him anything. His gifts were always discretionary–if he had unexpected expenses, he could cut back on the gifts and eating out–but hers were pretty much mandatory: you have to pay rent and buy groceries.
Basically, I think if he’d been sleeping at his parents 7 nights a weeks, he’d have moved out much sooner, but since her place was a release valve, it made living with his parents bearable–a huge benefit. Of course, he was able to save all kinds of money, when she never could, which just exacerbated the growing economic divide. He spent money on her–he was generous, even–but it was always spending his money on her, and left her feeling like the “taker” in the relationship.
That sounds a lot like many relationships, only the guy’s the one with the house and money. Would you be as critical if the gender roles were reversed? To me, bad guy equals bad guy, no matter his living conditions. Not living alone doesn’t point to a higher probability of being a bad guy. Focusing on that thing as a dealbreaker is, I think, a mistake.
It’s not about being embarassed. It’s more about where u expect to be and where u think u deserve to be…
My partner died about 6 weeks ago. I was her carer but she was the main financial earner. I’m currently having lots of problems establishing what I’m due from her estate. I asked my mum last week if she’d hire a van and take me and my belongings home. She refused because there’s no1 who can drive with any holidays from work at the moment and she’s not sure what I can take out of the house… Her suggestion was that I bag some clothes and come to her house. I don’t think that living in my mum’s house with a bag of clothes at 37 years old after all I’ve been through is appropriate and therefore it’s not something I’d even consider.
P.S. I’m not 37 yet. It’s my birthday in 9 mins lol
Well, here’s a bit more context for everyone. I’ve been offered a summer internship and conditional post-graduation job offer at Agnico-Eagle’s gold mine in Nunavut (look way up on a map of Canada) with a full-year equivalent salary of about $70,000 with room and board included. Obviously I can now easily afford to rent/purchase a property somewhere, but I’ve spoken with my parents and they’re keen to dissuade me from leaving Toronto.
Their arguments were that I’d encounter unfettered racism outside of the cosmopolitan metropolises of Toronto and Vancouver (I’m of Japanese descent), and that the family is rich enough not to need those small sums (i.e., I can expect a relatively large inheritance one day). IMHO, I think that they’re worried about who will take care of them when they’re older and so moving to a more affordable locale seems out of the question (even Alberta is a no-no). I’ve grown up with the notion that rebelling against one’s elders is unacceptable so I pretty much have to stay in Toronto.
An average graduate salary for someone in my position is about $50k gross here with ~20% taxes, but in my experience finding secure employment is quite hard nowadays. My other options are more education. I’ve gotten one or two PhD offers from some lesser-known universities with an offer of about $20-25k in annual stipends. However, I’m not enthusiastic about a 6-year commitment and limited earning potential after graduation. My parents are pressuring me to obtain a master’s or to attend law school. However, those are amazingly expensive even in Canada - about $60-120k. I obviously can’t afford that so I’d have to accept some monetary support from my parents for tuition as borrowing money is not acceptable in my family.
Given that I kind of have to stay in Toronto and have to tolerate the low salaries and high cost of living, it seems a no-brainer to try and save as much as possible to afford a house in the future.
To those who are wondering, my parents live in midtown near Yonge Street (around Eglinton). And someone who has moved out for 4 years for university obviously knows how to do laundry and has gotten used to cooking…
If you are Asian, the dynamic here is very different than us white North Americans. For most middle class and higher white North Americans you don’t want to live with your parents post college if you can avoid it, AND THEY DON’T WANT YOU THERE EITHER. They are looking forward to their own loud sex and walking around nekkid. For someone who is first or second generation Asian, its a different ballgame.
Can you ask yourself honestly- if money, parents, location, and everything else wasn’t a factor, what would you want to do with your life? What, above all, appeals to you?
Now you don’t have to follow that whim. Family dynamics and money are a reality. But you should keep it in mind. I know a lot of people from well-off traditional families who took the path of least resistance, and coasted through life knowing that they would never need for much as long as they did the right thing in their family. In general, they have not met good outcomes. There is a lot of wasted potential- and the frustration that comes with that- in people who don’t put at least some investment in what truly makes them happy.
One thing I’d think about is how old your parents are. I can understand that they will want to be near you when they are old, but that will presumably be a while from now. You may be able to get away for a while, and return to Toronto when you are more established. Remember that someone in your family at some point decided to move to an entirely new country, probably without a ton of support. A few years in the backwoods won’t be the end of the world, if it’s a smart move for your career and it’d make you happy.
I’m with Sven. Whoever moved your family from Japan probably faced a lot of resistance but decided to do what was best for them. It sounds like they didn’t make the worst decision ever with regards to your family.
First, I tend to agree with this as there are really good Thai restaurants in Edmonton.
Second, while they are trying to shelter you from any imagined harm, they are not doing you or themselves a favor.
Take the internship in Nunavut. For real. This would look awesome on your resume and you will get experience with a different culture that will be priceless, far beyond the salary you make.
But do reassure your parents that you will come back to Toronto when the internship is over. And then do so. But, seriously, take this internship. It is a fantastic opportunity in every way. And it’s an internship, not a job. So you will likely need to return when it is over anyway.
IMHO, you would be foolish to pass up that offer. The experience you’d gain would be invaluable in today’s job market. You can always move back to Toronto later - or (brace yourself) your parents could move to Nunavut if your stay in Nunavut turned into something more permanent.
Yes, I would have found it as objectionable if the genders were reversed, and I have not found that pattern to be more common. It’s been 30 years since girls lived at home until they married. And you seem to be missing the central point: having a space to be an adult is an expensive thing, and a person who takes that for granted–who doesn’t think it costs anyone else anything to “share” with them–is missing something.
Look at the OP: He keeps saying that paying his parents full market rent would be “subsidizing” them. I think what he means is that their current house payments are lower than current market rent, so they don’t “need” the money. He doesn’t really think of the space as having worth, he thinks of it as just sitting there, unused, for him to have. And I am sure, very sure, they really don’t mind sharing. But just because someone doesn’t mind sharing doesn’t mean they aren’t giving you a gift, and it needs to be respected as a significant gift. IME, people who live at home can really miss that. What you said: “Why can’t you just spend time at the girlfriends’ house? I don’t see the issue,” highlights that attitude.
Imagine if someone were like “Why do I need a car? I will use my parents, and then I will date girls with cars, so I can borrow theirs when I need one”. The issue is not the going car-free. If a person is genuinely willing to walk/bus/whatever to save money, that’s awesome. The issue is just assuming that since other people have already paid for the resource, the logical thing is to use theirs. It’s highly suggestive of an entitled attitude toward a lot of things.
Which isn’t to say there can’t be plenty of positive reasons for a person to still live with their parents. The obvious one is if a parent needs care, or is themselves in a financial situation where pooling resources is a good idea. And there are plenty of transitional periods when it might make sense. But the attitude of “Why shouldn’t I live with them? It’s free!” is irritating. It’s not “free”. It’s a gift.
In your position, weemart, there would be no stigma to living with your parents for a while. “My partner died, I had to move quickly, so I moved in with Mom for a few months” is a story told by an adult taking a rational approach to their situation.
But, yes… nobody plans for that, and my heart goes out to you. It’s the planned mooching that bothers people in this thread.
Yog, there’s no way you’re going to win this argument. While on a case-by-case basis there are definitely reasons for living with your parents, there comes a time (in America at least) when a young man is expected to get the f*** out of his mother’s home.
I lived with my parents for a couple of years, when I worked for the family business in Atlanta while still paying for 1/2 for Laura and I in Athens (Georgia, both cities.) I would “check in” on Monday night, after work, and “check out” Friday morning, leaving nothing but toiletries. Doing so saved 120 miles, daily, off my commute.