There seems to be a social stigma about people who live with their parents. This really bothers me, because many people live with their parents for a logical reason, its not that they are inept at living by thesmelves.
Take me for example. I am 22 years old and live with my parents. Most of my friends live on their own. Why don’t I? Cost. I live in the Bay Area in California, and while rent is going down in places, my current situation makes it impossible for me to move out of my parents house. I work two part-time jobs and am a full-time student. What I make from working goes towards paying off my car and my education. The way I view it is a matter of priority: The car helps me get to work/school, school helps me get a better job in the future, a better job means I could afford to live on my own.
A lot of asshats don’t seem to see it that way. They think I live at home because I’m lazy, or because I’m a momma’s boy. If by ‘momma’s boy’ they mean that I love my mom, and have a good relationship with her (unlike a lot of people it seems) than that is true, though I am not by any means lazy. I’ve said it before, if I could live on my own I would, but right now its just not feasable.
I have an Aunt who, from about 18 to 35, kept bouncing from my grandparent’s house to her own place and back again. Why? Because she moved out when she wasn’t really financially able to. Every now and then some financial catastrophe would befall her (car accident, injury, etc) and she would have to move back to her parents because she couldn’t really afford to live on her own due to being unable to accumulate savings/safety net. She eventually went back to school, got married, and her situation stabilized greatly. See, if I were to move out, I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I might have to move back home. I’d rather spend a bit more time in the nest and be 100% sure I could financially handle myself in the real world, then move out before I am ready because of social stimgas about living with your parents.
I have no idea what the problem is either. I’m 26, and I wish I could still live with my parents. I could save a ton of money, and have company instead of being alone all the time.
The basic idea is that, the older a person is who still lives with their parents, the more likely it is that they are not…ambitious, basically. It’s the picture of someone who can’t hold down a decent job.
Well, I think the underlying idea behind the stigma is that, at 18 or 21, a person should start setting up his own household…he should be financially independent and preparing to raise a family of his own.
So the stereotype is that someone who still lives with their parents has failed at that.
I don’t see any problem with your situation, Incubus. In fact, I applaud your having your priorities straight. You are actively working on your education, have your own car, and are also responsible enough to be working to pay for these things yourself. You already have a good groundwork for the maturity and level of responsibility it takes to live on your own and probably won’t be weighed down with gobs of debt and wondering if you can handle working for a living.
Personally, I don’t live with my folks because, A) I have a family of my own. B) I don’t really like them. And C) They threw me out.
An interesting observation in priority is my best friend. Right now, I would like to move out, but can’t because I’m still going to school. My best friend has his own apartment, would like to go to school, but can’t afford to. I know some people can balance these two things out, but both my friend and I can only afford to do one or the other. I made the decision to live at home and go to college. He moved out after High school but is seriously re-evaluating his current career and envies me going to school. So in a way, my friend DOES have his own place, but he’s no better off than I am because he really wants to go to college.
There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents if you have not got the financial resources to live on your own. Even people in their 30s have had to move with the folks after losing their jobs these days.
Now if you’re still living with the parents as an overweight, Star Trek obsessed, 39-year-old virgin who works for minimum wage at the local Blockbuster, then you might come in for criticism.
Me thinks he doth protest too much. I was living with my parents at 22. But I didn’t go around crowing about it.
No, there isn’t much wrong with it, but it very much depends on how you live there. Is home a hotel/laundry/bank/fast food cafe/personal service that caters for your every whim, or are you practicing at least some of those “standing on your own two feet” real world skills you claim you’re learning?
I moved into my grandmother’s house went I went to graduate school because I couldn’t afford to pay for my own place and tuition at the same time. I’m still grateful to her; but for her, I wouldn’t have an advanced degree now.
However, I do admit that when I hear about a 20 or 30-something living with his or her parents, I picture my friend’s son, who’s 30 years old. He has an OK job (28K a year, maybe), but if he didn’t live at home, he wouldn’t be able to afford all the CD’s and snazzy clothes. Oh, and he doesn’t have to buy his own food or wash his own laundry. I have no respect for him.
Again, I know this isn’t the situation for all, or even most, people who live with their parents. Sometimes they just need a temporary safety net. But I admit that my first impression isn’t a good one when I hear that someone still lives with their parents.
(By the way, I started dating my wife when I was living with my Grandmother. I told her straight out that no, I’m not “helping out” my grandmother. She was helping me out.)
My wonderful parents were kind enough to take me AND a one year old in after I thought I knew better than anybody and married an asshole.
I was left in a lot of debt due to my ex and I had a child to support on my own.
There is absolutely no way I would have been able to afford rent, plus day care, plus my car payment, plus insurance, etc.
I honestly do not know what I would have done if my parents didn’t say we could come live with them.
I had been on my own since I was 18 and it was definitely an adjustment moving back home but I am so very fortunate that they let me.
I stayed there a little over a year until I could get back on my feet and handle things on my own again.
Enjoy spending quality time with your folks and thank them by helping out around the house and not treating it like a hotel. Finish up school as quickly as you can. Get that job and get your own place.
Once you’re in your 20s, your parents don’t owe you anything, money wise. Most people would even put that back at 18. So if you’re 22, still living at home, and not paying fair market value for rent, electricity, laundry service, food, etc, then you are mooching off of your parents for the amount difference between what you are paying them and the fair market value. If you are paying the FMV, then you could likely live on your own for close to the same amount, negating the “saving money” factor.
So if you tell me that you’re still living at home to “save money”, I’m going to assume that you’re mooching off of the kindness of your parents. And I at least expect you to feel bad about it, and not go bragging about how smart you are to be doing so.
i realize that “mooching” is a necessity in certain situations. I’m not saying that everybody who’s ever done it is a bad person. I’m just saying that people who do it should realize that they’re lucky and not act like it’s their right or something, or get offended at any stigmas associated with it.
I moved out when I was 18 as well. Of course, my stepdad was a major asshole at the time and neither of us couldn’t wait for me to move out. I moved into the dorms (in a local school, yes, I was that desperate to no longer live with my parents) and had to live at home for the 6 week spring break. I barely made it. I knew then that I could never live at home again. I think if you get along with your parents, and it’ll save you money, more power to you. I live in the Bay Area too, so I understand. I always had roomates and took longer than usual to finish school due to working full time to pay my bills and tuiton.
Who are you getting the stigma from? Is it from girls you want to date? That, I can totally understand. I’m sorry, but I would never date a guy who lived with his parents. That’s just too weird for me. Forget spending the night or anything. I can just imagine running into mommy in the hallway the next morning. I know I know, you can always stay at the girls apartment, but still. The thought is there and it’s not exactly a turn on.
There’s just something about a guy who lives at home. I may get flamed for this, but it does bring immediately to mind a vision of the unambitious, lazy 30 year old trekkie living in his parents basement. It’s a stereotype and very seldom true, but it’s there anyhow. It’s one of the drawbacks to the convienence of living at home. shrug
Well, my wife and I sold our house and moved in with my mom just recently.
There’s more to the story: we are building a house, which won’t be ready until the spring, and when it’s ready, my mom will move in with us. She’s lost her sight (macular degeneration) and can no longer live by herself. Our previous home had neither bedroom or full bath on the first floor, and this was a necessity if my mom were to live there – she can’t do stairs so well either, having recently had a hip replacement. This is why we’re building instead of buying again: we needed a big enough place for our growing family, and one that also had an “in-law” suite on the first floor that included both a bedroom and full bath.
So there’s a good reason for it… but right now, I live with my mom!
The problem with this attitude is, what if your parents don’t mind semi-supporting you, or even like it? I get frustrated because I know many people my age (of whom I am insanely jealous) from upper-middle-class backgrounds, whose parents have been happy to help them in all sorts of ways above and beyond feeding and clothing them until their 18th birthday. Most of them had college (private, not just State U) 100% paid for, so they have no loan payments. The parents of the girl I most recently dated were paying her rent while she went to grad school, as well as providing a car for her (i.e., it was hers to drive, but owned and insured by her dad.) I’ve heard of people’s parents helping them with the down payment on their first house. The list goes on. Apparently, this sort of thing is more common than I had previously thought. I think that if your parents have the means and are willing, there’s nothing wrong with taking advantage of your situation. I’m not saying I think such people shouldn’t consider themselves lucky, just that there shouldn’t be any stigma attached to what they’re doing.
My dad, on the other hand, has always subscribed to the “I can’t wait until I don’t have to support kids anymore” school of thought. Thanks, Dad, way to make us feel loved. I know you never have made a lot of money, but you didn’t have to SAY things like that. Note to self, and any other future parents: never make your kids feel like a burden. Even if you think they are, just keep your mouth shut.
I do live with my parents, I am grateful for it, and they were actually the ones who convinced me to do it. I’d been living in NYC for four years when I decided that my planned career track wasn’t going as scheduled. So I decided to get my teaching certification. As there’s a good program right in my hometown, my parents offered for me to move in and pay off my credit card bills (my own fault - living in NYC was expensive). In exchange for rent and board, I basically do much of the bookkeeping for their second business (bail bonding) and help around the house as much as possible. It’s not an ideal situation in that I’m used to coming and going without telling anyone where I’m going or what I’m doing, but in terms of paying off my credit cards and saving money for my wedding next year, it’s working out well. We have a few issues with my mother not realizing that if it’s in my room, she does NOT have permission to go through it under the pretense of cleaning (like the time she cleaned out my night table drawer and found the ‘toys’ I play with at my boyfriend’s house), and that although it’s their house, I still need my privacy. That’s an issue we’re working on, but I hope to be out of the house soon enough that it’s NOT an issue.
More than likely, I’ll move out in the fall - that was my plan all along. I’ll have spent less than a year in the house with my parents. I’m grateful for the help, but I need my own space and privacy. If it weren’t for the money issues, I wouldn’t be doing this.
Incubus I had posted a long response and then my computer crashed. I guess my brother in law will have to wait for another occasion to be pitted.
The answer I had to your OP, though, was that it isn’t a problem if you live with your parents usually. The stigma comes if you are taking advantage of it.
Like I said, I’ll be mentioning my brother in law sometime soon.:wally
Incubus, your being a full-time student, IMHO, is a very different matter from a grown adult with a job living at home. Being a full time student is a step towards FUTURE independence. I think most people would agree it’s quite normal and logical.
Then that’s their choice, and you can accept or refuse their generosity as is your choice. But if you accept your offer:
a) don’t go around saying “I’m living at home to save money” like it’s your right to do so. Your parents are letting you stay home.
b) If you want to live at home (rather than “have” to, or “no other reasonable choice than to”), then you will come across as somebody who’s willing to sacrifice personal freedom for increased financial comfort. There is stigma in that.
I think that if you are going to school and your parents want to help you out by providing a place to live, that is wonderful. By the same token if you have undergone a recent financial disaster, divorce or have been widowed you may need the safety net to get back up on your feet.
For those if us that have a good relationship with family, that’s what we are there for, help and support when needed.
I met and dated my husband while he was living at home and going to school.
This debate reminds me of my brother. My 27-year-old brother with the Master’s degree in piano performance who’s never once managed to buy his own vehicle, pay his own rent, or live his own life.
And that’s because he’s freakin’ lazy. A user. Always has been, probably always will be. :shrug: What can you do?
It would be unfair for me to assume that you’re the same way, Incubus, or to mock you for making a decision that makes both you and your parents happy and gets you where you’d like to go.
But OTOH, I don’t take people who still live at home as seriously; perhaps that isn’t fair either, but I just don’t. I don’t disagree with the advantages, but I don’t think it’s something to brag about. And if you’re not contributing towards rent, doing your own laundry, cooking your own meals, etc., you’re not doing yourself any favors.
And this is just me, but I’d never date a guy who was still living at home.
Thanks, Dad, way to make us feel loved. I know you never have made a lot of money, but you didn’t have to SAY things like that. Note to self, and any other future parents: never make your kids feel like a burden. Even if you think they are, just keep your mouth shut.