Going to school or getting helped for a short time are totally different than people who have good jobs and mooch.
I had a coworker who lived with his parents well into his 30s. He always had a new car, nice clothes, and plenty of bar money. He moved out once, to take a very high paying job cross country, but was back within a year after racking up about 15k in credit card debt. At that point, he moved back in with his parents and they payed of the debts. Thats a loser. About the only thing to his credit is that about a year later, he woke up and realized this, actually saved money for a few months and bought a house.
Like I said before, I may not pay rent, but in exchange I work for my parents doing the bookkeeping for their bail bonding company, while working my own full-time job. I also do a lot of housework, care for our animals, and cook my own meals (I do my own grocery shopping and pay for my own food). I’m certainly not bragging about the fact that I live with them, but it does help me immensely. I don’t want to go into my marriage with the huge debt that I carry, nor do I want to increase that debt with high student loans (I’ll still be getting loans to pay for much of my schooling, but this way, I can minimize those amounts). And I was against the idea from the beginning - it was my parents who really wanted me to move in. I would have gotten my own apartment down here if they hadn’t convinced me.
But I am certainly not sponging or mooching. And I certainly don’t spend my money on things I shouldn’t be - the most I’ve bought recently is a Farscape DVD. The majority of my money goes towards my bills so that I can move out and live debt-free.
I know people down here who may live on their own, but they’ve never done anything exciting in their life. They go to their jobs, they come home, they have their own place, but they’ve never been outside of their own hometown. These are the people who may look down on me for living with my parents, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences that I’ve had living in NYC and traveling around the country for their lives. If I had to do it again, I’d do the exact same thing (although I’d pay off my bills sooner).
I think what you are doing is smart and shows discipline. Once I went to college I never spent more than three or four weeks with either of my parents. I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there and have my own life. I think there is absolutely no problem doing what you have described. I think it shows a measure of wisdom and maturity. It would be a different story if your parents were struggling financially. Many young adults get help from their affluent parents. I see nothing wrong with parents helping their kids out financially. Families support one another.
Now my mom lives with me. She is older and has had some health issues. This isn’t the way I expected my future to turn out but I didn’t feel I had a choice. I felt obligated. I get some strange looks or comments from a few people. And oh well. You do what you have to do. Sometimes your life isn’t all about meeting the expectations of your social group.
I don’t really understand this sentiment- is it a bias you carry because of your brother? Why does the place I live matter so much?
It makes me wonder about all these women who would not date a guy that lives with his parents-would they date a guy with a crackhead for a roomate? Or a guy with a dead-end job? How about a guy that lives in a van down by the river ? I mean geez, I had no idea how much my place of residence mattered!
This makes me very sad. I have a good relationship with most of my family, have the most generous mother in the world and do everything I can to repay her generosity but to many people this is all interpreted as personal flaws.
My thirtysomething brother is still living at home with our parents. He has his own room, comes and goes as he pleases, tosses in a fair share of the utilities, and generally helps out around the house. He is also a college graduate with a successful white-collar job, and is not by any means unambitious.
My folks are slightly concerned that he hasn’t any real interest in dating, but other than that, they don’t have a problem with it. I figure, as long as everyone is happy, what’s the harm? It does help me relax a little knowing that he’s around to help them untangle a confusing letter or get the VCR working for them (my folks are neither techno- nor English-saavy).
I still live with my parents and yes, I have a job and have graduated from university. I don’t feel like I’m mooching off them since I do pay rent, help with the grocery bills and help clean up the house. I have the same issue with my mother invading my privacy. She thinks she needs to know everything about me and I’m not very revealing about people getting into my life period when I’m not ready to open up.
However, I still live with my parents because it saves me money so I can pay off my student loans (went to college/university twice!) and so I can still keep my horse. The cost of living here is so ridiculous, you need to find a roommate if you want to live decently around here.
There are definite advantages but since I’m paying rent, I don’t feel like I’m taking advantage of the situation. I love my parents and I hate that they pry into my lack of “dating” and wanting me to get “married” but they have supported me regardless. I think they worry more about me spending more time with my dog and horse than with people actually.
rjung, your brother reminds me of my uncle, who still lives with my grandfather. My uncle is also a professional, works his butt off and takes care of my grandfather.
Both my grandparents were in poor health for much of their later lives, and my uncle did a lot to take care of them. When my grandmother passed away, my uncle was the only family member close by to keep my grandfather company. Personally, I view his contribution as an investment in life- his parents took care of him for the first part of his life, so he returned the favor by taking care of them in their latter life.
Ava, it sounds to me as if you’re doing the best that you can to be responsible and get where you need to go. Like I said, I’ve got no beef with that; you’re contributing to the household you live in and there’s never anything wrong with that.
My concern with the OP is that these anonymous “asshats” who are mocking him are most likely girls who don’t take him seriously. He’s got the car, he’s got the spare cash, he’s in college, he’s legal to drink, etc., and yet b/c he’s living at home I guarantee that women (or men, if that’s his gig) aren’t taking him seriously. Who else would be irritating him enough to post about it? His friends? They’re probably just envious that he’s got more spare funds than they do, and anyway it’s your friends’ job to razz you. And nobody at 22 gives a rat’s ass what “old people” think of him.
It’s got to be girls.
And my point is that you don’t get to have it all. You don’t get to live at home b/c it’s convenient and affordable, or for whatever reason, and then dictate to other people what they think of you for doing so. You’re free to do it, and we’re all free to think what we like about it. And it may not be fair, but a lot of women–myself included–wouldn’t date a guy who’s got nowhere to go at last call but his parents’ house. It just isn’t something I can envision myself doing. It’s a little hard to relate to somebody who’s never had to pay their own rent, and frankly I don’t want to worry about waking up Mom.
I don’t have any money saved, but that’s ok. I’ve worked hard, put myself through college, and lived on my own since I was 19. The pride I take in doing it myself far outweighs any money I could save by living off someone else.
Short list of requirements for dating a guy:
Lives on his own
Has a job
Has a car
I don’t know what your dating situation is but anybody that refuses to date you based on this sole factor is probably not a person you would want to get involved with anyway. Living with a parent or parents does present a dating/relationship issue that must be handled. Handle it.
As for flaws, well, people are really good at spotting the flaws in others. We are all flawed. You would be wise to focus on growing as a person, considering flaws, strengths, and progressing through your life. And, if it really bothers you tremendously, I suppose you could drop out of school and get your own apartment, bills, and find the constraints that will be presented in that situation. However, if you stick it out, suck it up, and bulid your future, maybe you will get yourself situated so that you will be capable of helping your parents and doing the same thing for your very own kids.
Where in the OP did I mention that I had cash to spare? Practically all my money goes towards paying off the loan for my car, insurance for driving said car, gas, etc.
Just because I don’t pay rent doesn’t mean I don’t have the same kind of obligations other people do. I’m trying to get on my feet financially. And frankly, living on my own just * isn’t as important* as finishing my education. My education is my #1 priority.
I thionk we are missing a key bit of information here. If you’re 22 and going to school full-time, then it’s Ok to live at home, although most of your peers don’t. They live in dorms or apartments and work to pay the bills (or Mom and Dad take care of it if they’re lucky).
The question is: When do you plan on moving out? If the answer is not “The day I graduate” then that is the problem right there. Just as strong, good women don’t t want the guy in the van or the loser with the dead-end job, they also don’t want teh guy who lacks independance. Even worse is the “Mama’s boy”.
Once you have the education, then it’s time to get out and make your own way in life. You can make them proud of you and repay them for their generosity in many ways - continuing to live under the same roof and having them do your laundry is not one of those ways.
It is not a character flaw to love your parents. What is is an inability or unwillingness to cut the umbilical cord and live independantly. The women here who say they won’t date a guy who lives at home are reacting to that part of your character, rightly or wrongly. You may not be one of those people, but most in your situation are, and they are betting on the favorites, not the longshots.
Of course, the standard disclaimers apply - If your parents are disabled or need care in the home, or if your situation is temporary, etc. all apply.
I live with my parents for two reasons: I’m going to school, and can’t get a job that would pay me enough so I could afford to rent a place. I live in LA County, and businesses are moving out of here like rats abandoning a stricken ship. Business taxes are simply too outrageous, and as a result the only available jobs left(that I would be qualified for) are low wage positions, and with rent costs easily as high as $600-700/mo for a studio apartment, it would not be possible for me to continue going to school AND live on my own.
I was forced into that position once already, and it just led to a total stagnation of my life. At least living with my parents means I can progress with far less worries.
Lamar Mundane I plan on moving out as soon as I get a full-time job after I graduate. What some people don’t seem to get is that I do have ambition. Its not as if I never pondered the concept of living on my own before.
Knowing no other details about someone, I guess I automatically have a bias against an able-bodied job holder living with their parents simply because, for whatever reason, independence is an important value to me, as is other values like honesty, integrity, dependability, etc.* Someone who lives at home when they don’t have to (there’s been some excellent reasons posted so far for staying with your parents) is not someone I admire.
Others may not hold this particular value, and they are probably the ones that you’ll end up dating.
PoorYorick, right now I make about $800 a month from both jobs combined. My car payment is $500/month, insurance is $180/month. The rest goes toward gas and other necessities.
My husband was 27, recently divorced, and living at home when we met. I was 29. It never occurred to me to consider his living arrangement odd or disturbing. I thought it was great that he was (and is) that close to his parents. I had too many friends who refused to even contact their families.
Granted, that arrangement didn’t last long - he and I eloped after 4 weeks. But a few months later when I had surgery, we stayed with his folks so his mom could help look after me. And some years later when we were between houses (sold one before we could close on the one we bought) we stayed with them again for a few weeks.
In fact, before I was married and before I bought my first house, I lived with my grandparents for several months.
I kinda always thought that’s what family was about…
I’m glad to hear that your have ambition and plan on making it on your own soon, but I can’t let this go - $500 a month car payment? Holy shit, you’re a full time student living at home and you’re driving a Mercedes?
