What is so bad about living with your parents?

The BBQ Pit
41

But you see, that’s exactly what it means. You cannot sit there and say you know what it’s like to make your own way and that you have the same obligations as other people when you’re still living with Mommy and Daddy. Because you don’t. You don’t know what it’s like to not know where next months rent is going to come from, or how you’re going to pay for groceries or how that electric bill is gonna get paid, all the while keeping up with your full time job and studies. To say you do is insulting to those of us who really do know what it’s like to put ourselves through school, while on our own.

I’m not getting down on you for living at home, please don’t misunderstand me. I’m getting down on you for living at home and then complaining that girls may not want to date you because of this fact (which I do believe the OP is really about now). You can’t have it both ways. Like it or not, it’s not “cool” to live with your parents while you’re in college. Smart, yes. Cool, no. That’s just the way it is.

You asked a question: what’s wrong with living at home. You got answers. If you don’t like those answers, well, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not going to make them any less true, or make girls magically think you’re super cool and fight over you.

You’re living your life in a way that gives you an advatage: you’re saving money. To have this advantage you have to make a sacrifice: you may not be seen as “prime” dating material. Your social life may suffer a bit. You’d be making opposite sacrifices if you chose to live away from home: you wouldn’t be able to save money.

You want the best of both worlds, but unfortunately, that isn’t the way the world works. Sorry to break it to you.

42

I knew someone was going to comment on how much I sink into car payment/insurance. Actually, no, I don’t drive a Mercedes. I drive a 2000 Ford Focus. I don’t have to pay that much at a time, but if I do I’ll have it paid off 8 months from now. And I’ll be debt free. The insurance cost is because I was in a car accident last April.

The car accident set me back in a way. I had to get another car, and threw all of my savings into the down payment so I could pay the car off as soon as possible. I imagine once that gets done, I could share an apartment with someone.

Everyone on this thread has good points. You’ve really made me question my own situation. Honestly, I shouldn’t be pissed about this at all. Who cares what people think about me? I guess I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should.

43

Goddamn. Buy a cheaper car. $500 a month? That can easily pay rent if you were to get a roomate. It appears to me that perhaps your priorities are a little off balance, IMHO.

44

lezlers, you are right, I can’t have it both ways, and the problem with me was that I couldn’t see that- I was taking the criticisms as a personal attack. You are correct in that I DO have to make some sacrifices.

I suppose there’s nothing else left to say about the matter.

45

I just read your post about the car. That cements it.

You’re making the choice to sink all of your money into your car to get it paid off. That’s great, I wish I had that option. That also means that you’ve got to right to complain that “all of my money is going into my car payment.” You’re choosing to put all of your money into your car payment. So why are you complaining about it?

:confused:

46

I once dated a 30-something guy who lived in his parents’ basement. He was not a student and had a full time job. When we first met, he told me his living arrangements were “temporary.” Okay. I was cool with that.

Not long after that, I started really taking a look at his surroundings and realized that he seemed a little more firmly entrenched in the basement that say a temporary situation might appear. I asked him how long he’d been living there.

“Six years”

Now, at the time I was 21 and also living with my mom. I was also working full time at three temp jobs. I could not wait until I had enough money to move to Florida (Had a roommate and a job lined up – just needed cash to travel). That was 12 years ago. I see that guy about once a year and he still lives with his mom, assumably in her basement.

Here’s why I won’t be dating anyone who lives with their parents and why I’m echoing what Indygrrrl said: I worked very very hard to put myself through school. Then I worked hard to pay off the school loans. When I had crappy jobs that didn’t pay enough to make the rent, I’d go get another crappy job to supplement my income. I worked very hard to pay off the loan on my car. I paid off my credit cards. I just bought my first house a couple weeks ago. Everything I have, I worked my ass off for.

If I were to date a guy who hasn’t had to work his ass off to put the roof over his own head, pay for his own college degree, etc., etc., that tells me that he really hasn’t learned those Real Life skills necessary to take care of himself and his own personal business. If you have to move home every time your car breaks down, something is wrong, maybe with your career choices, maybe with your budgeting skills, I dunno.

I am a very independent person. I expect my life partner to be as well. I will not find myself in a relationship where I have to teach my SO how to do his own damn laundry because his mother did it for him until he was 42. I will not teach some guy how to pay his bills on time and I will not marry someone with a wrecked credit record. I have worked too hard to keep my own nose clean and pay off my bills and to learn all those skills by myself, only to date some loser who’s used to having someone else take care of things for him.

To sum up, I am not going to finish raising someone else’s son for them. I expect to fall in love with, and marry, a grownup.

47

I don’t see anything wrong with living with your parents. It was only a couple generations ago that this became at all unusual. The truth is that most of us have built in social support systems- our families. I think that as a society if we spent more time helping each other out like that instead of frantically pushing each other away, we’d be a lot better off. I was brought up to think that families help each other. They help each other when they are young and starting out, they help each other when they are old, and they help each other when somebody needs a roof over their head. I can’t see a single thing wrong with that. Since when did we begin to value “independence” at the costs of our own loved ones?

That said, I wouldn’t live with my parents. Too nosy. It’d drive me nuts within seconds.

48

Didn’t read your previous post before I posted that last one, although it’s still legitimate.

Guess there’s no point in keeping this discussion up.

49

Incubus, if it would make you feel any better, I always thought it was OK to be in your early twenties, going to school, and living at home. Hell, poverty is something to be proud of, then. Working your way up through adversity, ad astra per aspera, and all that.

Now, if you’re forty . . . :slight_smile:

I was 32 when I moved in my grandmother’s house to go to graduate school. But, then, I pretty much had already kissed any social life goodby for the duration, anyway.

50

Although I must say, I agree completely with Dogzilla

You’ve described my whole attitude on the matter very succinctly.

51

Don’t worry about what people think. I know that’s easier said than done (and I should take my own advice:D), but you’re doing what’s best for you. You’re in college. Your parents don’t mind that you’re living with them, so finish school and then go out on your own.

Aside from this and a short period after I finished college, I haven’t lived with my parents full-time since I was eighteen. I came home for summers and holidays, but for the most part, I stayed at school. I’ve worked ever since I was sixteen, sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time. I lived in NYC on my own for four years and loved it. I’ve travelled all around the country and I’ve seen a lot of things I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. I have a car payment now because I can’t get along without a car around here, but it’s only $160 a month (I drive a no-frills Kia Rio - the most luxurious thing it has is a CD player because I don’t listen to the radio, but other than that, no power anything, standard, no cruise control, etc.). I do take trips to visit friends and my boyfriend, but I’m learning how to plan those trips and save the money I need before I take them.

I’ll be out of this house in about four months because I need my own space, but for now, my parents like having me here and I enjoy their company. Aside from a few little thing, we’re getting to know each other as adults and friends, and I like that. I probably have a stronger relationship with my parents than most people. That’s not intended to be smug, but I am happy with that. In my family, and that includes my extended family, we are all there for each other, no questions asked. I’ve had cousins who’ve lived with us, my aunt offered me room and board if I wanted to move down to Florida until I got on my feet, and if something happens to one of us, the rest of the family will drop everything and come to their aid. I’m not the only cousin who’s lived with her parents while older (one cousin lived with her parents at the same age I am while going back to school for the same thing), and I’m sure I won’t be the last. But that’s just how my family is. When my boyfriend and I buy a house, if I have a relative who needs a place to stay, they will be more than welcome to come stay until they get back on their feet (in fact, I’ve done this with friends before). I’m proud to have a very generous family, and I feel like it’s the least I can do to pass that generosity onto my own friends and family.

So what I’m saying is don’t feel guilty about living with your parents, but make sure they know that you appreciate it. If that means buying groceries, doing chores around the house, whatever - help out. I’m sure you already do, but it’s always good to do something to show them how appreciative you are.

Ava

52

Holy shit, you guys are kiliing Incubus here. He is 22, goes to school, works two jobs, and is paying his bills. He has the advantage of having someone help him out. Big freaking deal. If an opprotunity is there, he should take it. Instead of wasting his money on bars, like lots of 22 year olds, he is using the money to pay for his car and his school. Just because some of you walked up hill both ways to school in 8 feet of snow with no shoes doesn’t mean he has to. He’s actually smart to take advantage of this while he can.

That said, Incubus, at 22, your time of being a student living at home is just about over. Once you hit 23 or 24, it does give off the impression of a loser or mamma’s boy. It sucks, but thats the way it is. Pay off that car, work your ass off in the summer, and find a room mate, or stop caring what people think and accept thats the appearance it give off to some.

53

I think there’s an unfair bias against men who live with their parents, as opposed to women who do. I’m 21 and living with my parents, and I know many other young women my age who do the same. The only ones I know who’ve moved out either hate their parents or got married. My girlfriend is two years older and Chinese descent, and I’m not sure her parents would even let her move out until she finished school and had a secure job.

54

I moved a thousand miles from home when I started graduate school. My stipend was low and I was reduced to eating crackers for lunch. One of the undergrads in my lab used to laugh at me for this, and I would always tell him that not everyone had a mother at home, cooking roast beef and lasagna, pressing his clothes, cleaning his room… Like someone said before me, it’s hard to take someone seriously if they live at home. I automatically think “clueless child” when I think of an able-bodied person living with able-bodied parents, even if they are “helping out”.

I know a girl who’s 24 years old and doesn’t want to live on her own. She “helps” her mother out by paying the cable bill and running errands. Sorry, but that’s pathetic. Even if her mother enjoys her company, an adult should want to be independent. I think living with her mother has held her back. She doesn’t have a checking account or a credit card, and she can’t drive. These things aren’t normal.

I would have to live my parents too if I was paying $500 a month on a car. But my parents would be pissed off if I came to them with this rationale. Why should my hefty car payment inconvenience them? If you had to live on your own, Incubus, I’m sure you would have made a wiser decision. I think that’s why most people aren’t going to sympathize, unfortunately.

55

I’d like to clarify that my mom doesn’t cook, and doesn’t do my laundry, since a lot of people seem to be bringing that up… Heck, she hasn’t done those things for me since I was a teenager. But I do get to stay rent-free, and I know that’s a gift from them to me and not my sacred right.

56

Good point. I also have a checkbook, pay all of my own bills, and drive. In fact, I cook for my mom sometimes because she and I like the same kinds of food - and she likes the recipes I make. I still run my own life.

I think there’s a big difference between people who move in or live with their parents in order to better themselves, and those who move in because they don’t want to better themselves. And there are a few people not making the distinction here. It seems to me that the majority of us here are of the ‘better ourselves’ camp.

Ava

57

Adults live with their parents for all sorts of reasons. Yes, some are lazy user scum, but many are not, and no adult who lives at home should be automatically assumed to be lazy user scum. Staying at home does not necessarily mean that someone is not learning life skills. It does not mean that they are draining the resources of their parents, or that they don’t do their own laundry.

I moved out in my early twenties. I lived in a succession of nasty apartments, occasionally with dubious roommates, never worked less than two jobs, and racked up quite a student loan debt. So what? Does that give me the right to feel superior to people who actually like their parents enough to stay home? Of course not. I’m not jealous of folks who are able to avoid running themselves into debt while not lowering their standard of living. More power to them.

I’d be interested to hear the opinions of both sides here on situations more akin to Bricker’s family. If it is a sign of weakness to live with parents in one’s twenties or thirties, what does it mean to move in with grown children? Would you consider that, or would you prefer an independent living/nursing home situation? Conversely, would you take in/move in with a relative in failing health or look for other alternatives?

58

Usually when parents move in with their children, they are debilatated in some way. And often times, parents in this situation are not very employable because of this and their age, so financially they are unable to live on their own. If my parents were in this situation (and I had room), I would let them live with me.

I wouldn’t like it, however, if my parents asked if they could live with me just because I had the room and they didn’t want to shell out the money (which they have or easily obtain) for their own place. I love my parents but I believe in independence–mine and theirs. But because I love and respect them, I would let them live with me. That’s what family is for.

I don’t think Incubus is one of those types who views his living situation as a permanent one, and he’s probably not a freeloader. I think that’s where he differs from the people I’ve encountered who live at home.

59

Sounds like a properly filial son to me. Heck, in East Asia it’s normal for an unmarried son to stay at home and take care of the folks. Of course, it should be the elder son (looks at Rjung), but, eh, you can’t have everything.

60

No one is giving him a hard time for living at home. People are simply answering the question he himself asked, why people give him a hard time, presumably, women, and why women may not want to date him due to this fact. He asked a question and he’s getting answers.