…or, “My Week At Work at Penetrex”.
Monday: At work. All is well. Phone rings. Answer phone. Situation unfolds. Follow Official Penetrex Policy regarding “How To Handle This Situation”. Situation handled, customer happy. Life is good and feelin’ groovy about job well done. Nose back to grindstone and movin’ on to next job.
Tuesday: Policy on “How To Handle This Situation” is changed by The Powers That Be at HQ. Letter goes out from management to all locations informing staff of new change.
Wednesday: Middle manager-type bossman (MMTB) makes me sign a statement acknowledging new policy change and my agreement to follow new policy on “How To Handle This Situation”. I (stupidly) sign statement.
Thursday: TPTB@HQ review my recorded telephone conversation* from Monday. Procedure I followed does not match new policy and is deemed to be “failure to comply with new policy”.
Friday
(part 1): (Almost the end of my shift.) Must have “sit-down” with MMTBossman and I get a “talking-to” for not following the new change of policy. Explain to MMTB (sarcastically, but with bit of upset tone) that I’m basically “getting a ticket for running a green light because by the time the cop saw the light it was red” after-the-fact-type violation. He agrees but says there’s nothing we can do. Tells me I must sign letter accepting “consequences” due to non-compliance**. I take letter and say “yeah, okay.” Meanwhile…
(Part 2): Sarcastic conversation continues. MMTB keeps laughing at my funny-but-harsh comments about Non-existent Appeal Process (as stated in handbook it’s every employee’s right to appeal and all appeals will be considered, but unofficial statement from Higher Level Bossman and TPTB@HQ is that they don’t care and appeals are never really considered - All staff members know this to be true from past experiences). He’s having a good time (because he’s 20 minutes away from a week’s vacation and his daughter is home from college) and thinks it’s all good fun but the more I talk the more ticked I’m getting. He says I need to sign the letter and just accept the reprimand and make no appeal. I say something like “so you expect me to just lie back and take it in the ass and smile?” MMTB laughs and says, “Yeah, just like the rest of us.” I say “Well, could you at least give me some lube?” MMTB keeps laughing. Meanwhile…
(Part 3): Then he gives me the “Lumberg" request: “Oh, by the way – I’m going to need you to come in early on Sunday too.” (I was already working the weekend, but shift is now moved from 11 AM to 8 AM.) I say something like “Jesus, man. If you’re going to keep f**king me like this, at least you could kiss my neck and pull my hair, okay?” He is still laughing. He says, “Just take the letter and put it back on my desk on Sunday. Mm-Kay? Have a good weekend!” and he’s out the door. Meanwhile…
(Part 4): I am steadily getting closer and closer to Pulp Fiction-type MF’ing TNT mode. I go back to my desk (with unsigned reprimand) and I’m out the door as well. I head directly across the street to the Adult MegaPleXXX store (the real name of the store). Had a very detailed conversation with the very polite lady at the counter who explained in great detail about why they no longer carry the 5-gallon buckets of KY jelly (a story for another time about why and how I know they used to). She was nice enough to give me an empty box from one of their display cases. I went back to work on Saturday and stewed and bitched to all. Everybody agreed and told their own tales of woe. Sunday I went back to work and made my sign.
Now I’m just waiting to hear what the rest of the managers say. That is, if they even notice.
Yeah, I’m in uber-immature child mode, but I don’t care. And I’m still not signing that. Now I’ve got to go – Gotta get Aerosmith tickets – The Big Event of the Summer!
Anybody else need help with their TPS reports? Because I think I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands pretty soon.
…to be continued…
*= All phone calls are recorded.
**=The consequences are not trivial. This basically takes me out of the running for the carrot-type promotion that they’ve been dangling in front of me for two months.
