How Important Is This To You?

In My Humble Opinion
21

As I said in my OP, Hallmark didn’t have to have anything to do with it. I would have been happy with a Post-It. And/or a handwritten acknowledgement of any kind. Just some kind of proof that he remembered that birthdays (in particular) are important to me. I never wanted a Big Huge Gift. Or even a “present” of any kind.

Just a freakin’ note. Seriously. How hard is that?

As ZipperJJ said, he always remembered what I liked in bed. It’s not like he had this horribly faulty memory about everything. He knew how I liked my burgers, how much sauce I liked on my pasta, how hot I liked my showers, etc.

And he always kept every card he was ever given. Even if it was just a little note. Ergo, he valued the sentiment and the thought.

So my point is, it’s not like he didn’t get it.

Looking back, I have only two conclusions.

a.) He just didn’t care enough, in eight years, to take me seriously when I said this was something that mattered to me. He forgot because it didn’t matter to him.

b.) He did know, and this was his passive-aggressive way of “punishing” me for various things about which he never had the balls to confront me.

I’m kinda inclined to believe b.) more than anything else. He even kinda said as much, in one of our post-breakup “conversations” that ended in a screaming match. I realize that what he said, as much as what I said, was in the “heat of the moment” and not to be taken to heart, per se…but it bothered me more than I can really verbalize that somebody you love could be that devious. Like, “I know this matters to her, and so I’m going to purposely ignore it.” Rather than raise the issues that were really bothering him, he chose to upset and disapppoint me, silently, and never explain why. Til it was far too late.

I’m sorry, but if your SO tells you repeatedly that something very quick and easy and free would make him/her very happy, and you choose repeatedly to ignore his/her feelings on the matter…I dunno what to think of that. If you’re that angry, bring up the issues bothering you, or leave. Or both.

Eventually, I did.

And yet I still wonder why anybody who is that angry at me would stay with me for as long as he did.

22

Forgive me, but I think that misses Pliny’s point.

You may not call the god “Hallmark”. You may just call it “hand written note”. Same god. For me, the ideal relationship entails each partner deriving his happiness from the other. In other words, “I am made happy by your happiness”.

You are on a quest to be happy (pleased, satisfied, whatever word you insist upon). But your quest is a futile one, because the only way you can be happy is to see to the happiness of your mate. “But I gave him cards/gifts/things/notes!” Yeah. But see, he ain’t you.

This concept is more heady than it seems at first, and given your response to Pliny, you might not get it at all. Still, there may be someone out there to whom it makes sense, and it is for them that I write it.

23

I’m a bit confused. So I stated very clearly what would make me happy, and I didn’t get it, and yet I should be happy anyway? Because it made my “mate” happy to ignore my request for a specific type of…happiness?

I don’t care that “he ain’t me.” Never said he was. I did a great many things to make him happy, even if they made no sense to me. If I wanted only to make myself happy, I’d have been single for those eight years I mentioned. Being one half of a couple means taking somebody else’s feelings and emotions and happiness into account. Otherwise you might as well live alone.

So, IOW, the phrase “I am made happy by your happiness” has no real relevance to me or my OP, because it appears you’re saying that by ignoring what would make me happy, he found happiness. And that’s all that should count.

Are you serious?

24

Okay, I get not sending cards. But you’ve *returned * cards other people have sent you? Wow.

To answer the OP, I would be upset if my partner never got me Christmas or birthday gifts. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive, just something to show he was thinking of me.

25

Audrey, I have to admit - I was spending some time thinking about this before writing an answer - then I’d write something and preview it and change it - it wasn’t going at all the way some of the other responses were and sometimes I think I’m a bit of an idiot and don’t necessarily think quite right, but THANK GOD - you said EXACTLY what I was thinking.

B. I truly do think it’s B. That’s exactly how one of my ex boyfriends used to behave, right down to the sometimes he’d remember, sometimes he wouldn’t. And he kept every note I had ever given HIM, too.

It’s B. It’s passive aggressive bullshit behavior, manipulative as hell, cruel, and frankly, utter crap to do that to another person, but I too think it’s B.

PS - Hugs - I sent you an email back a few months ago when you first mentioned the breakup - I’m sorry for your pain, and hope you’re doing well. :slight_smile:

26

First of all, she isn’t you! What makes a relationship healthy, and good and whole for you might not be so for anyone else but your SO.

Secondly, your logic cuts both ways. Clearly, the OP’s boyfriend failed horribly to do what you propose, why can’t you see that? She went on to explain that, based on what he said, he’d been passively aggressively not giving her what she needed ON PURPOSE because there were things that were bothering him that he wasn’t adult enough to discuss. That isn’t the OP’s fault, and it isn’t her problem. Maybe you should take your heady little self away from the keyboard and back to the thinking chair to ponder these things? :dubious:

27

Audrey, I apologize to you and withdraw my advice.

28

I think that guy sounds like a jerk. What would it have hurt him to do a few little things like that if it made you happy? I’m sure you did things for him that he liked.

It seems like guys are always on one side of this and the ladies on the other. They don’t get why it’s important to us and we don’t get why there has to be any explanation other than we like to get little gifts and cards and such.

29

From what I can tell, you were open and honest about communicating your expectations and what would make you happy. You didn’t play the game of keeping quiet and then running a guilt trip on him because he doesn’t celebrate the way you do. A partner should want to make you happy, especially if you didn’t expect anything extravagant that would compromise your finances, etc.

And if you weren’t comfortable with gifts and he went overboard, presumably that could be communicated and worked out as well.

30

I like getting cards and gifts when they mean something.

To you, any sentiment means something. You let him know that. So I think he was kinda a jerk. He knew it was something you liked, but he ignored that fact.

For me, I just like the idea that someone went out of their way a little bit to get me a card or a gift. They went to the Hallmark store and picked out a card, for me. Especially when they write me a funny note. If you know me, you know I like funny notes. Mom knows I still love Snoopy, so she always gets me a Snoopy card.

With gifts, I just ask for a little thought. If you know me enough to get me a gift, you should have an idea of something I might like. Like this year, my friends and I did Secret Santa. I got my friend a Black Knight doll from the Holy Grail because she and I always quote that movie and the doll was funny because you could rip the arms and legs off. She loved it. My friend got me a talking Brian from Family Guy because he knows Brian is my favorite on that show. It was five bucks maybe, and I freaking love it. I’m not always hoping for the perfect gift, just a gift that means something. A basket of generic bath products means nothing to me if you know me at all - I don’t use that stuff.

My ex always got me gifts on the appropriate gift giving days, but he never seemed to get anything I liked. I do not like stuffed animals. But he always got me a stuffed animal. I always went out of my way to find old video games for him on Ebay and stuff because he loved video games. Or I got him nice clothes because he hated clothes shopping for himself. It sounds bad to say, but I felt ungrateful for the gifts he gave because he put no real thought into them. I’d rather he bought me a carton of smokes or a case of beer in those instances instead - at least he knew I liked that stuff. Or he would get me flowers. I remember telling him I really didn’t like flowers. He just got the generic ‘duh’ girl gifts and I think he knew me better than that.

So I am behind you on this one, girl. Relationships take compromise and thoughtfulness to work. You end up doing things you might not really want to do to please the other person. And asking for something as simple as a damn card is nothing. It’s not like you were asking him to pick out ‘omg the perfect gift’ or anything expensive or difficult to acquire. I really don’t understand how some guys just don’t get it. Or some girls, for that matter. If you love someone, I think you’d want to sometimes show that love in ways other than just words, ya know? Seeing their face light up from a card or gift is the best thing.

31

I am definitely on the bad end of this stick.

I never got Christmas presents growing up. Or on time, or with a lot of to do. To start with, I’m not Christian, and my parents only started the whole Christmas thing to help us fit into (northern, rural) Quebec. So, prezzies sometimes got to us on Dec. 27 for sales and whatnot.

Same with birthdays. We got something but it wasn’t big. My parents are just not really into presents. They’re very, very generous people but a “day of huge celebration” is not their thing, ya know? My parents used to tell me that all the money they were not spending on gifts went into the college pot (they didn’t lie about that one)

So I’m one of those horrible gift-givers. I give cash as wedding presents, often give presents late and other such thoughtless actions.

I think of myself as pretty generous, pay for dinner often blahblahblah. But I’m super-bad on the gifts and it has landed me in hot water with a few of my boyfriends.

I’ve improved on birthday, and will generally make a big deal of birthday, but forget everything else (Christmas, anniversaries, Valentines, Easter whatthehellever). If a guy wants that from me, he needs to let me know. I simply wasn’t brought up in a presenty household.

32

I will pony up after being chided for it, though. I mean, seriously, you can just schedule gifts into Lotus Notes, not that hard. My sis is the opposite of me (despite having been raised in the same household) and Lotus just sent me a little reminder that it’s my 1-week deadline to call her to crow about the upcoming birthday (cuz she gets upset if I don’t do a 1 week crowdown). I’ve also Lotused in a shopping expedition for her.

It’s pretty easy to do the same thing with one of those handheldy thingamabobs.

So, it’s the not caring about what someone tells you is important to them that I think is the asshole maneuver. If someone tells me X is super-important to them and it goes beyond the range of what I’m capable of producing or think is reasonable, I usually just say sayonara. I know most people got more gifts than I did growing up, so I think it’s reasonable when they ask me to remember about stuff like that.

OTOH, I can’t do the daily notes of lurve and whatnot.

33

Okay, I haven’t read the rest of the thread because I have been in similar situations.

I LOVE to give people presents. Dunno why. I love it. But I also love to receive them. It’s not because I like stuff. I hate the fact that my life is cluttered with stuff - but a gift means that someone was thinking about me, when I wasn’t with them. It’s the same when I give someone else a gift - it’s kind of like saying “I think about you when you’re not here - you’re important to me.”

So while my boyfriend and I exchange holiday presents (NO Valentines day presents, but Christmas and birthdays) we try to make it a habit to get stuff for each other for no reason other than love.

When we first got together, though - it wasn’t like that. This was back when I was a little hesitant about the relationship and not very assertive. We talked that over and now we’re where we’re at.

So…to me, it’s important, as a way of showing that I’m in their thoughts when I’m not around. A way of showing I’m important in their world - and a way of showing they’re important in mine.

Sorry if this didn’t come out right. I’m very tired.

~Tasha

34

My mother once was angry at me for over 12 years. Furious describes it better. It was over what we might call a “theological issue”, came up one day that one of the foremost Catholic theologians had come for coffee, his opinion was that I’d been right “your daughter had better theology at age 5 than most of my seminar students at 25”. She still took several years to get over it, but sheesh, I still remember how amazed I was at finding out she was still mad over that.

Some people don’t just hold grudges, they embrace them and make love to them.

35

Indeed.

36

Sweet, sweet love, even. I married the son of a woman who can have a passionate, fulfilling sexual relationship with a grudge that exceeds the great love affairs of literature, history, and porn. Really. It’s like an Olympic sport with her.

Anyway, moving on.

After reading what the OP had to say, I’m of the opinion her ex was just an asshole.

Granted, not all people do the gift/sentiment thing on Christmas and birthdays and what-have-you. However, if one has someone they care about who’s made it clear that they, in particular, desire and appreciate such gifts/sentiments on such occasions, it behooves one to accomdate that person. Not because of the Hallmark Quest To Commercialize All Holidays, but because the gesture will make the person you care about happy.

I participate in rituals I don’t understand to make my husband happy (watching pro wrestling on TV, for example - he loves it, and other than the scantily clad men, I don’t understand it at all), hence it behooves him to particpate in rituals he may or may not understand to make me happy (vaccuuming, for example - or in the case of the OP, remembering her birthday with a note). It’s a fair exchange. Sounds like the OP’s ex wasn’t interested in the exchange - just in having it all his own way. That’s a crappy way to treat someone you profess to love.