Why bother at all?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My birthday was last October. I turned 40. At the time, out 18 y.o. daughter wasn’t living at home, so it was my husband and I and 12 y.o. son living at home.

What did I get for my birthday? Nothing. No card. No gifts. Nada. I finally started crying at around 10:30 and my husband was like “What’s wrong”? Duh. He had made a cake and frosted it, and then just left it sitting on the kitchen table. No candles, just a cake. I got into the shower to try and calm down, and then he knocked on the door.

“What are you doing?”

I’m taking a shower".

Well, get down here! We’re waiting for you."
So, I finish up, go downstairs, and there is my husband and son (who had been made to get up after he fell asleep) and they light the candles and sing to me. No card. No gifts. That was it.

On the one hand, I had told him that our budget was tight and not to spend anything on me. OK, this part is important to any guy that is reading this right now. DON’T LISTEN TO TALK LIKE THAT. AT LEAST BUY SOMETHING. A book. An inexpensive piece of costume jewelry. A DVD, or something having to do with a hobby your wife enjoys. If there’s not a lot of money in the budget, figure something out.

I was very, very hurt by this. You would think that talking about how I was excited to be 40 would have triggered some random thoughts of doing something special in some member of my family. Nope. No call from my daughter. My husband didn’t even take our son out so he could buy be something. I fucking hate him sometimes. Husband, not son obviously.

So, here we are. Christmas. I told him that I would really like to fix the kitchen up, and that would be a nice gift from him - help me with the work, and we could buy new light fixtures and all. It’s cool.

So, we open our gifts last night. I got him a digital camera and some p.j.'s to wear. He got me a DVD that I found for myself at Target and threw in our shopping cart. Holiday Inn, in case you were wondering.

The kids got some money from their grandma and bought gifts for my husband and I. They got my husband some boots that cost $90 and a watch that cost $45. I got a book, a wallet, some socks, a cell phone holder, and a top-up card. That was nice.

This morning my husband and I opened our stockings. I got him a memory card for his camera, a thing to use his I-Pod in the car, socks (yawn, but needed) and some treats and candy. He got me some deodorant, a toothbrush, a bag of M&M’s and a pack of gum.

At the in-law family party, his mom passed out envelopes - very surprising. I got $50. Our son got $100. Our daughter got $200, and my husband got $200. What was that all about? When my parents give money, it’s all the same. Am I a third class member of the family?

After my birthday, I told my husband that it really hurt my feelings. Here’s the rub. It seems like when I feel bad, he gets this hardly noticeable tiny little smile. I can see it in the shape of his mouth. So today, he goes “Is there something you want to say to me?” “Nope”. there it was - that barely noticeable quirk at the corner of his mouth.

We just had a conversation about the whole money thing. He doesn’t really see my point of view, and said things like “OK then, I’ll call my mom and tell her to do things evenly from now on”. I called him on that comment, telling him that he obvoiusly wasn’t going to do that, so why say it?

2

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. -Dave Barry

3

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect a big deal to be made of your birthday and/or Christmas if it’s important to you, and you’ve communicated that to your husband in the past. If he didn’t know, I’d cut him some slack- some men just don’t get it. But if you’ve told him how important it is to you and that it makes you feel loved and important and he still doesn’t try, you have every right to be pissed.

My contention right now is with my best friend. This is the second Christmas in a row that I’ve invited him over and he’s blown me off to do other things, and didn’t even have the nerve to call me or even answer the phone to let me know he wasn’t coming until one fucking o’clock in the afternoon. I told him there won’t be a third time, and this is going to be where we part ways. I’m tired of coming last. He doesn’t get it, either.

4

Your family doesn’t sound very nice. I’d use another word for what I think they are, but this isn’t the pit. It’s perfectly understandable why you’d want to have equal presents for Xmas. I don’t know about the birthday thing, but I can see why you’d be mad at your husband for this stuff.

You should go out and buy yourself some nice, equally expensive, things after Xmas is over. Then you can get what you want without having to rely on anyone else.

(I’m disappointed this year too, but fuckit. The holidays always suck.)

5

This really freaks me out. Whether it is actually true or whether you think it’s true, it indicates there is really something very seriously wrong with your relationship. This doesn’t really have to do with gift-giving at all IMHO.

(And ftr, I always get 50% less money from my grandparents-in-law, but I think of it as their funny little way of telling their grandson that he is important, not their way of telling me that I am not important.)

6

Um… is this like that IMHO thread in which if you offer someone a snack and they say “No.” you’re still actually supposed to keep asking them? Because if you told me not to get you anything for your birthday, I’d respect your wishes.

But the disparity in the gift giving does seem… well… I won’t say “mean-spirited” but it sounds like your family is taking you for granted. Like they think you’ll just be fine with any old thing.

Next year get yourself something you’d really like by digging into your budget for their gifts. You don’t need to tell them about it all passive-aggressively or anything. Just privately get yourself something special that you can enjoy, and when they’re dickheads with their gifts to you, you can have your own little smile knowing that you did indeed get something you really liked for Christmas.

7

Hell no.

“Don’t spend anything on me” means, “Don’t spend anything on me.” It CAN mean, “Some little thing will be squealed over and get you a big fat kiss because of how thoughtful you are,” but that’s all.

“Our budget is tight; don’t spend anything on me” means, “Don’t spend anything on me.”
If you’re having a panic attack because people are doing what you said, you need to reevaluate what you tell people. Because, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but- people tend to take the words coming out of your mouth as having the meanings attributed to them by every other speaker of that language, not the individual speaker.

“40, not 14,” sounds harsh, but has a grain of truth in it.

8

I’d recommend taking responsibility for your own happiness rather than sitting around waiting for other people to do it.

9

I’m sorry. Your family sucks. My birthday is in October, too. Wanting to feel valued by your family, especially by your husband, is not too much to wish for. I’ve also been feeling “why bother?” and didn’t decorate for Christmas at all. No tree and wrapped my family’s gifts and put them straight in the trunk of my car. I got my son and daughter one gift each. I got my husband two and left them wrapped and in the livingroom in the corner where the tree usually goes. I didn’t shop for, pay for and wrap his family’s gifts this year. My 21 year old daughter worried that I was cheating myself out of my usual joy in the season but I think I made a good decision. I don’t feel like all I do is unappreciated because I didn’t do anything. As of noon Christmas Day, I haven’t received a gift from my 17 year old son, my daughter or my husband.

10

I don’t know, it kind of seems to me that the whole family is trying to passive-aggressively send you a message that it doesn’t like you.
You know your husband better than we do. Do you think he’s angling for a divorce?

11

This is good advice as well.

But MIL handing out cash and getting $50 when the 12-year-old gets $100? Sheesh! That’s not a nice message. Taking responsibility for your own happiness is one thing, but that disparity is almost an insult.

Next year, I’d tell the hubby, “My birthday is coming up. Maybe we should discuss our plans. Will I need to take time off from work?” That’ll freak him out. He’ll start wondering if you’re expecting a trip or something, and will definitely let him know you expect something damn special!

There is a huge difference between “don’t spend” and “don’t make a fuss.” You have to be really clear what you communicate. If an evening home with the family pampering you is what you want, then say “Don’t spend any money on me this year. It would be enough to stay home with you all making me dinner or something.”

12

Your husband and family sound pretty insensitive and I’m sorry that you feel unloved. It’s a horrible situation to be in and you can’t really make a big deal out of it without seeming whiney or self-absorbed but you can help yourself by not telling people to not get you anything and expect them to then actually get you something. I probably would (and have) but that’s just because I’m that kind of person. A lot of people aren’t and it’s stupid to expect otherwise. You brought that particular scenario on yourself.

13

I’m actually going to guess that the weird little smile really means “Uh-oh. I’ve done something and I’m in the dog house.” and when she doesn’t blow a gasket when given the opportunity, he’s got the little smirk because he knows he’s still in shit and is trying to look pleasant while still feeling like an ass.

Like when my fiancee got pissed with me, and I asked “Is there anything I can do?” (while knowing it’s too late to do anything) I bet I had a weirdo squidgy expression on my face too.

I’m going to guess it’s his “uncertain but still trying to look apporachable” face. He knows he’s in shit.

14

Nevermind, wrong forum.

15

Aside from the “Don’t get me anything. Why didn’t you get me anything?” stuff which drives me up the freaking wall, I understand and sympathize.

Most years, my husband gives wonderful gifts. One year, though I didn’t want it at all, he gave me a Playstation. For our anniversary. Gah.

Anyway, it sounds like everyone is pretty much taking you for granted, and there are few feelings so disheartening as feeling like your happiness doesn’t really matter to the people who are supposed to love you.

16

I don’t have any answers. I think part of the problem is that in most families, like the tee-shirt says, “If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.”

I rebelled one year, when the kids were in their teens. I was particularly tired of being in charge of getting the Christmas tree. Seattle, cold and rainy, heading down to Chubby & Tubby to find a presentable yet cheap tree, putting it in the car, hauling it inside, putting it in the stand, decorating the son of a bitch, keeping it watered. And then taking it down.

So one year I grabbed a magazine. I think it was Better Homes and Gardens. I folded each page down toward the inside fold, paper-clipped the front and back covers together, and set the thing down on the coffee table with a red ribbon on top. Try it sometime – it has a tree shape, if nothing else.

Everybody says “What’s that?” “It’s the tree. If you want something else, you’ll need to pick it up yourselves.”

It’s too bad that most families depend on wives/moms to make the holidays (and birthdays) special, but they do. It’s up to us to adjust our attitudes and make the best of it. Or not.

17

[Reading the OP]

I would never behave like your husband. No matter how tight money was, I’d do something. Just my nature, I guess.

But then, I don’t have to worry about it. :smiley:

18

Oh no. The OP had a son and husband standing with a cake waiting to sing to her.

Big deal.

If you want the OP to feel loved it better have at least a $200 price tag on it.

i know the type.

19

Although not ideal, this Christmas does seem to be an improvement over last Christmas when your husband was yelling at you. Christmas does seem to be a time of great contention in your household. If he hasn’t yelled from that time until now, I think he’s doing pretty well, considering. Most people don’t shed bad habits that easily.

And I don’t know what the smile is about, but maybe it’s just his way of reminding himself not to yell?

20

2 things: 1. I know exactly how you feel, being much in the same boat myself. and 2. I think his family has definitely sent you a message, and I don’t think he knows he’s “in shit”; I think he’s laughing at you on some level. Seems to me that you need to sit down and talk to him at a time that is not so close to the holidays.

But I also think that saying, “don’t get me anything” is setting yourself up for your birthday scenario. Sadly, there are people (I’ve met some women like this) who will just grab any excuse to NOT show their affection or appreciation… I see nothing wrong with saying something like, "money is tight, but I’d like a little something to recognize this day (bday, Xmas). What I truly HATE (and have had to do for 20 years because apparently The Husband knows me no better now than the day we married, in point of fact, he is lazy and doesn’t want to be bothered with getting me anything-that message comes through loud and clear, especially when he goes out Xmas Eve and doesn’t bother to wrap it) is making a list or just telling him what gift to buy me.
Why the hell should I do that? What a waste of time. So much for the surprise factor in gift giving. Hate that. At this point, I’d rather not get anything at all.

The inlaw thingy is typical–it’s ridiculous and petty as hell. I’m sorry you’ve had a crappy holiday. I once got a pair of size 5 Calvin Klein black, sandal, sheer, control top pantyhose from my MIL, the same year my husband got a leather coat. I don’t wear pantyhose, black hose or size 5… I vow that when I am a MIL, I will never pull the shit that I see so many older women do to younger ones, but that’s another thread.

I don’t think guys should get a pass on this–what woman gets a pass? Think about her, what you know about her, what you think she’d like.