Why bother at all?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

If you tell someone not to get you something and they don’t, its your own fault. I agree, guys shouldn’t ever believe that because so many girls don’t say what they mean but personally I’m against that whole thing.
I don’t do any of that fake polite crap, but the bright side is people know I mean what I say.

An x-mas story of my own to share:
my parents have enough money to buy a brand new car in cash but for reasons that mystify me, have gone without a car for the past 7 years. public transit is NOT efficient where we live either.
For Christmas one year I asked for some pots and pans and they saw an ad for some on sale at the mall across the street from my house. They asked me to go over and check them out (fine). Then they asked me to pay (yes, the were going to reimburse me) for them, bring them to their house so they could wrap them, and give them to me on Christmas.
I know its was easy for me to do this, I know they are my parents, but to me this sucked.

22

IMHO if you can get to where you can laugh (at least to yourself) about your in-laws’ pettiness and passive-aggressive behavior you will be better off. Try to remember that your anger is NOT hurting them one bit. It is raising YOUR blood pressure, stressing YOUR immune system, giving them free rent inside your head. Are you a worthy person? Of course you are! Do others not appreciate you? Their problem.

If you think you need to, make a comment when the gifts are stingy. Kid gets $200 and you get $50? How about, “Gee, I guess she’s worth four of me! Lucky kid!”

Myself, if my husband and one of my kids had actually baked me a cake, I’d have been ecstatic. That takes a lot more time and effort than going down to the jewelry store and buying some bauble or other.

The best joy is in seeing the happiness on someone else’s face when they enjoy your gift.

My husband used to gripe about the dumb gifts his mom gave him – cheesy polyester sweaters from K-Mart boxed up in old re-used boxes and wrapped with leftover and recycled paper, tied up with re-used ribbon. She was not poor, just wasn’t used to spending much money, having lived mostly through some very rough times. He would rant and rave about her stupid presents. One Christmas I pointed out to him that she probably didn’t love the presents he gave her that much either, although she was polite enough to pretend to be. What really gave her joy, and what would be the real gift to her, was to see him happy with the presents he received. He ranted back at me that the point of the holiday was to GET stuff, not to GIVE stuff. I told him I felt very sorry for him, then, because he was kind of missing out on a lot of pleasure, and the whole point of the day. He did not answer back, and I noticed in ensuing years he gradually started to adjust his attitude. Whether it was my words that did it or whether he just became more sensitive to these things as he got older I cannot say.

Children also go through phases where they are all about the getting and not about the giving. Obviously very little kids are mostly about receiving. But with the proper encouragement there comes an age when they can be taught about how much fun it is to get something nice for Daddy. The first time this happened, I had to sternly warn my husband that he was getting a gift that daughter #1 had picked out all by herself, and that he WOULD love it, and WOULD wear it to work (it was a necktie). Even if he hated it and took it off the minute he drove around the corner. Then later, during those awful teen years, it became a “I didn’t get what I really wanted” again. Now both are adults and again enjoy being able to please others.

In response to Cyn and Antie Pam: if you enjoy having a decorated Christmas tree, by all means go get one and decorate it. If the work of doing that is not worth it to you, well, then don’t. I have had some years when everybody else seemed too busy and/or too cranky to get involved, but dammit I like a decorated tree. I went and got it, brought it home, put it up, did the lights, did the ornaments, the whole thing. And I put out all the lights in the living room, plugged in the tree lights, lit some candles and I enyoyed it. Yeah, I would have liked it if somebody else enjoyed it with me, but that didn’t stop the pleasure I did have.

Sometimes you have to go out and find your own joy, you can’t wait for others to give it to you.

23

Oh, come one. That wasn’t the case. The kid had gone to bed already. The singing was an afterthought when hubby realized they were in the doghouse. He made a cake at least, but just so he could say he did the least he could do.

When I had a $0 budget, I made my fiancee dinner then got creative. Her b-day is in the spring and growing up she always wished she could swim on her birthday, but it was always too cold for her parents to open the pool. So I got a buddy to lend me keys to his condo’s pool. We got there, and she unwrapped her “present” (a towel from my linen closet) and she got to swim on her birthday. I didn’t spend a dime, but you can still do something special or thoughtful.

And what? Wouldn’t you wonder “WTF?” if granny handed out envelopes of cash and everyone got $100 or $200 except you? I’d be wondering what the hell I did to piss off granny.

24

I have the exact opposite problem. My family goes overboard with gifts. From my wife’s family they still make a big deal over birthdays. It can be tiring to try and get the perfect gift several times a year. We are in our forties, can we just drop the birthdays?

25

I agree with the people who say that you’ve got to speak up to get what you want. For many years, I have been disappointed on my birthday and some of it was my own fault. I too have been guilty of saying “oh don’t do a thing, just treat it like any other day” and then getting pissed when people did exactly that.

It’s now that I realize you DO have to make your needs clearly known. I have been evaluating and researching the different methods we have of communicating in relationships. It’s amazing how many times we don’t understand each other whether it’s within our families, at work, friendships,etc.

purple haze I hope you take some time and treat yourself well. Then figure out what you need to do so that others treat you well too.

p.s. When did Christmas get so sucky?

26

This bears repeating.

27

So let me get this straight. You told the hubby to not get you anything and he didnt. And you’re complaining. First mistake.

Then you act insulted that someone gave their **son ** money and nice boots, their **grandkids ** a lot of cash, but only gave you half? Second mistake.

Your poor husband. You gave him a mixed message. If he gets you something, you’re pissed that he spent the rent money. If he doesn’t get you anything, you’re pissed because he did what you told him. Tell me, please, how he was supposed to know?

Not only that, but you then get jealous of your own kids!! Jeez, you want your MIL to put a pile of Santa presents right next to your kids’ pile too, so you don’t feel left out? I have news for you- you ARE less of a family member than the woman’s SON and GRANDKIDS. What makes you think you’re as special as the person that lived in her womb, and his offspring? Blood is thicker than water. By your logic, she should be handing out $200 to the mailman so he doesn’t feel like he’s less of a family member.

No wonder you’re pouting. You’re sad when people behave normally.

28

We’ve been broke so long, and I’ve had so many birthdays forgotten and no presents for me under the tree on Christmas that I’ve almost become immune to it.

The worst Christmas was when the only presents I got were things my kids had made in school and a small, plastic gizmo from my mom for holding onto nails while you hammer them into the wall. Nothing at all from my husband, and he didn’t take our small children out to shop at all. So the next year, after whining to my best friend about it (I had broken down in tears the year before when she told me all the gifts she had gotten from her husband) I bought myself a locket that she and I had admired at a store months before. I put it into a cute little gift bag, with a tag that said “to Kittenblue From Bestfriend” and placed it under the tree a few days before Christmas. When the husband asked about it, I told him it was from BestFriend, she had given it to me at a wives’ group party, and that I wasn’t planning on opening it until Christmas Day, so that I would have something to open. (bear in mind that common practice is to open such gifts at the party). Best Friend was leaving town for the holiday, and I thought my plan was foolproof…I’d at least have a gift to open, and I could pretend someone else had bought it.

So you can imagine my consternation when, on her way out of town, BestFriend stopped by our door to drop off my Christmas gift…and my husband opened the door! After she left, I had to admit to him that the gift under the tree was something I’d bought for myself. He did buy me some small thing that year, though I can’t remember what. We did discuss that he had to help the children learn about giving by taking them out to shop for me…though I don’t remember if that happened.

What I do remember most about that year is what I got from my friend. She had gone to the store to look for the locket I had admired. She couldn’t find it (because I had already bought it) so she bought me one very,very similar. Not only did she remember from months before what locket I had liked best, but she did her best to find me something she thought I would like just as well, in a similar style, because she didn’t want me to be sad again at Christmas. And even though we have drifted apart over the past 17 years, I still think of her with fondness every time I wear that lovely, inexpensive piece of jewelry. Thank you,Vicki, for your kindness during a rough time in my life. Your gift has lasted much longer than you could have possibly planned.

29

Charming.

30

So you got him a camera, and he got you, essentially, nothing.

He’s a thoughtless, insensitive dick, and if in your position, I would take back the camera and keep it for myself.

31

Maybe in your bizarro world that is how normal people act. My wife is as part of my family as any of my brothers/sisters or parents. In fact she is even a bigger part since I spend more time with her then with them. I love my family and they love me–but if they treated my wife like this, they would be the ones to get the boot.

She is the one raising my daughter, and when that my daughter gets married, my future son in law will be part of this family too. I can’t even imagine marrying into a family where you aren’t welcome and treated as part of the family.

I feel sorry for your SO if you truly believe what you wrote above.

32

Does that mean that adopted children should get $50 while “blood” children get $200?

The OP is married to the son; the mailman isn’t. Bit of a difference, there.

33

Assuming your husband isn’t psychic, you need to tell him what you actually want. “Don’t spend any money on me” is meant to mean something else? Why play head games like that when odds are fairly decent he won’t decode the secret message to your liking? Unless you like creating opportunities to be mad a people like my mother does, I can’t see how you thought telling him that was going to turn out well.

Money’s tight. Say “I know my birthday’s coming up, but I’d feel guilty if we spent a lot on something frivolous. I could really use [insert something practical]/instead of buying a bunch of things, I’d really like [something inexpensive you’d like].”

Or say “Since money’s tight, I’d rather we do something as a family rather than spending a lot of money. On my birthday can we go to [museum, aquarium, beach, mountains, other location you can go to that won’t cost much, or you might even get passes to from your library]. Spending time with you guys is the best gift I can ask for.”

*Anything * but “don’t get me anything”!

As for his family, have you also made them think you don’t want a big deal made of gifts? Asked them not to spend too much on you or any of those other polite lies? I’ve noticed that if you say the same thing to enough people, they eventually begin to believe you…

34

Please, please, please don’t ever get married.

35

If you are wondering why you don’t get laid…

36

Ya know, as a pretty insensitive and clueless guy, even *I * know that “don’t get me anything for my 40th birthday” is not the *literal truth * from whatever diety you may believe in. Jesus fucking christ you have to be a complete and total narcissitic dorkwad to believe that someone wants absolutely zero on their birthday. Sheesh, money’s tight can translate into 10 honey-do’s, back rubs, or whatever.

sorry you’re in this boat. I’ve had missed birthdays, and treated like a 3rd class citizen by my father, step mother and assorted asshat step siblings. So, feel the pain.

37

Yeah, that’s all well and good and snide, but she didn’t ask for a big deal. Some small degree of effort is, I hope, all that’s required in that situation. It wasn’t fair of purple haze to send mixed messages, but despite what she said her husband should know her well enough to understand her feelings about birthdays, and not to forget about the whole thing. Skimping on the Christmas gift shortly thereafter really isn’t a good move if you think about it for a couple of seconds.

I don’t know what it’s like to raise a family on a budget and I don’t know the particulars of purple haze’s situation. But come on. He should know enough not to do this once, and he should certainly know enough not to do it twice. M&Ms, a toothbrush, gum and deodorant for Christmas? Did he do all his shopping at the counter before he left a 7-11?

38

Sorry for your pains. A husband that you’ve been with for apparently over 18 years should know you well enough to know that when you told him not to spend money on you, you didn’t mean it.

As for me, I’ve told my whole family not to get me anything for my birthdays and Christmas for years. This year they finally got the message and I got exactly what I wanted for my birthday (Dec. 17) and for Christmas… nothing.

39

:eek: Holy shit! Where are you from that this is considered by any stetch to be “normal” behavior?

If anyone were to make a grand gesture saying my wife and the mother of my children was somehow of lesser value as a family member… I would consider it an insult to my whole family. My fiancee has already been embraced as a member of my blood family. The wedding hasn’t even happened yet and my parents feel they’ve gained a daughter and treat her as such. We are treated as equals.

To say that a daughter-in-law is comparable to the mailman is one of the most apalling, backwards, and seriously messed up things I’ve heard in a long time. She is family, not a civil servant who walks past your house once in awhile.

ETA: Please, please do NOT ever get married.

40

Your husband should have offered to pool your money gifts from his mom and use it to buy something you both want but that you want more.

The in-law gift was a slam. Normal in-laws give one amount of money to the couple and give each child the same amount.