I just had a birthday. I told everyone not to get me anything and I damn well meant it. Mostly they didn’t. I was as happy as can be. My girlfriend did end up getting tickets to an event for us but I didn’t find out about it until the day after my b-day. For the whole day, I didn’t think that she did get something and I didn’t care. More accurately, I didn’t even notice that she didn’t get anything.
Say “don’t get me anything” and then expecting something is immature passive-aggressive bullshit. It’s pretty simple. If don’t tell me one way or the other, I’ll assume that you want something. If you only want something small and you don’t want me to spend a lot of money, how about telling me just that for fuck sake? Basic, straightforward communication works so much better than mind reading.
You tell your husband not to get you anything, and when he doesn’t you get upset.
You seem to be in competition with your children over the amount of money they get as gifts. You and your husband combined got $250, unless you have your money and he has his? Ivylad and I got money for Christmas, less than our children, but we immediately pooled it and are planning to have a nice anniversary next month.
I think there’s more going on here than ignoring a birthday and not getting the same as your children do on Christmas.
Why would you lie? If you want something, say so. What in the world is the point of lying and saying you don’t and then getting mad when someone listens to you?
I’m sorry if you feel like your family lets you down on Christmas and your birthday, but I don’t think that’s particularly important. If they’re not loving and generous with you the other 363 days of the year, that is a real problem, but I wouldn’t get too upset about yesterday. Some people just don’t like doing the whole (expensive) gift exchange thing, and for them it’s a real struggle to appear thoughtful on big occasions, even if they’re generally very kind and empathic.
Your OP sounded just like something my friend would write. She starts weeks before any occasion getting ready to be mad at her husband for whatever he gets her. He is a clod about gifts but she knows it. If he does get her something it’s never good enough and she won’t graciously accept it and return it later. She will crab at him about it and never let him live it down. She will play games of “Don’t get me anything”, but be mad when no one does. No matter what he does he can’t win.
What did you say when you saw the cake? Nothing? You should have said “Yumm, you made me a cake, can I eat it all now or do I have to wait for candles?” How do you think they felt that you saw the cake and ignored it?
40 is an upsetting birthday to some people. Maybe they were worried that you were suddenly not happy about it.
I’m not saying he did the right thing about Christmas but usually both people in a marriage make a problem. Even if your contribution in this is just not making your wants known you could try to change things.
When my birthday is approaching I say what I want because it’s my birthday and I know that even if they all forget they want me to be happy. I think your husband and son wanted you to be happy so they made you a cake.
Your Christmas was bizarre but think back and try to remember if you said or did anything to explain it. Why don’t you calmly ask your husband why he didn’t get you a decent gift? I would be interested in his reply. You also could have suggested to your husband that you put your money together and do something fun. If you don’t speak up things will never change.
So your mad at him for not having telepathic powers. If any person, man or woman, says they want or don’t want something, they shouldn’t be surprised when their partner follows the instructions they were actually given. I hate this kind of game playing.
And I’m sorry but this
seems really off.
You need to learn real communication skills, which don’t involve him telepathically discerning that you meant the opposite of what you said, and don’t involve you placing so much weight on minute facial tics which may or may not really exist.
Yeah, I know at first blush the OP sounds like she’s the victim in a family full of insensitive shits. I also would bet a million dollars that there are about 25 salient points omitted from the narration that would explain quite a lot of it. There is more going on here than meets the eye; perhaps the husband really is an insensitive jerk that makes her life miserable – but if that’s the case, the problem goes much deeper than gift-giving details on holidays.
My husband and I have in the past received differing amounts for Christmas loot from a couple relatives. Believe it or not, this does not portend evil intentions on the part of our relatives, Every family is a titch different in the way they do things and their implications, and it doesn’t always mean what outsiders think it means. A cash-gift discrepancy doesn’t bother me in the least, because (1)our money is pooled/shared anyway; (2) the giving relative has had reasons (my mom knows that husband is the one that likes to carry cash, and I don’t; she also knows that I’d rather not take out money from the joint account if I can help it, just so he can have his carrying-cash; so she gives him a little more. That’s just one example. The other example I won’t go into here, but suffice to say there do exist valid and practical, non-hurtful reasons for it to occur.)
I will also add that, if I had, for example, a particularly distant, contentious, or non-communicative relationship with my mother-in-law, and, say, my MIL was a bit on the petty side with a view that her son could do no wrong, I could easily see husband getting a little more because Mother likes to dote on him, and me getting a token amount so I wouldn’t be totally excluded. If this were the case I think I’d roll my eyes and move on. My husband and I would have a good chuckle about it on the way home. [As luck would have it, I don’t have that sort of relationship with my MIL; but the point still stands, sometimes shit happens and it isn’t all about you being the victim]
Playing Devil’s Advocate, I bet the MIL didn’t intentionally snub the OP. She probably thought the $200 to their son would be for covering a family meal or a special night out for the Happy Couple. Then put $50 in an envelope just so they could hand something to each person, so that everyone could have something to open.
It probably would have worked out better if they’d either put the $250 in one envelope addressed to “OP and Husband”. That way it would be clearer that the grown-ups are getting a gift as a couple.
God I hate the gift giving holidays. It’s like an excuse to act entitled and get pissed off. There is really no way to get an even exchange in a gift’s value either monetary or sentimental. Do you guys remember that episode of The Office where they do secret santa and Michael goes out and buys an ipod and everyone gets mad at him for going over the money limit? How the hell was the husband supposed to know he was getting a digital camera and was supposed to get something equally as awesome. I don’t exchange presents with my family and friends because it’s fucking ridiculous to be put on the spot and forced to be thoughtful and generous. I buy things throughout the year for my loved ones and vice versa. That way I only buy things that really catch my eye and I know the other will like.
You got a cake on your birthday. How much more do you honestly expect as an adult? Why do you expect anything at all? We all survived another year, but you’re the only one that seems to think birthdays require having a pretty princess special day.
The money thing is fucked up. I would have flipped them the bird.
That’s pretty much how my grandparents would do it. They also broke it along gender lines, so the men/boys would get, say, $200, her daughter/my aunt would get $150, I would get $100 and my mom and my adopted femle cousin would get $50.
Why they had to go out of their way to show who “belonged” and who didn’t is beyond me. They were truly horrible people.
This is why my fiancee and I have been aiming for home-made gifts only. It’s more fun and you lose the “value” crap because everyone gets the same thing. Last year everyone got home made soap. This year it was sock monkeys and mini-sock monkeys for everyone’s pets. We are learning to knit for next year’s gifts. So next year… um, we’ll have strange stringy bits of stuff. (We suck at knitting.)
Otherwise, my SO’s family decided to forgo gift-giving altogether this year and instead they went to a charity and were assigned a “wish list” for a needy family who can’t afford presents at all. So her entire family chipped in to by these anonymous strangers everything on their list instead of buying anything for each other.
I’m back now, and read with great interest all of the replies. Most of you are right in what you say. Some of you are batshit insane, too.
The truth hurts, but I realize that it wasn’t right of me to say “Don’t worry about my birthday”, and then be hurt when nothing happened. What I was thinking was, I didn’t want anything extravagent because it’s not in the budget. What my husband heard it as was that it wasn’t a big deal to me, and to not make a fuss. I don’t feel that I need to be a birthday princess, that I’m 11, or that $200 needs to be spent or my life isn’t complete. It’s the feeling that those around me care enough to acknowledge a day that is special to me. Getting our son out of bed to sing happy birthday at 10:30 that night isn’t thoughtful - it’s crappy. Others may have a different opinion, but I feel that that shows a lack of concern for my feelings.
My husband and I have had our share of misunderstandings and tough times during our marriage. When things are going well, I don’t post to talk about that. It’s when I’m feeling bad and need to vent that the words come tumbling out. We will work this out. Things are not black and white - he’s not a complete asshole, and I’m not a greedy bitch. Anyone posting about how he must be ready to divorce me, or that I’m jealous of my own kids, is missing my point. I just want things to be fair.
My relationship with my MIL is OK. We’re not warm and fuzzy, but we get along fine. I may not be her child by birth, but I’m her son’s wife and the mother to her grandchildren. It would have been better if the $250 was given to us as a couple. Why split it up in that manner? How do you think our son feels? His sister got $200 and he got $100. My husband seems to think that was fine. It’s not fine by me - it’s wrong.
For one your daughter is older and maybe the grandparent felt she could use a little extra. Your son is only twelve so IMO a hundred is a lot.
The money she got could help with bills, the money your son got is strickly play money.
Maybe in the same sense that is why your husband got more. Maybe his mother looked at the $200 as bill/household money and your $50 was strickly for you as mad money.
I’m loving the “My kids haven’t gotten me anything” crowd…Who the hell do you think taught them to be the way they are?!?
Spend more time with your children- The end result will be that they understand love, caring, and will most likely not turn out to be self-centered jerks.
Yes, obviously your husband is a total asshole for taking you at your word rather than assuming that you were playing a men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus head game with him.
Where was that last thread about how men and women communicate again…
You’d hate my family. The under-18 grandkids get money from the grandparent (only one is left). The over 18s get nothing.
Everyone’s last gift is their graduation from high school, followed possibly by a graduation from college gift from the immediate family only.
I’m going to guess it has something to do with ‘I did what you said instead of reading your mind and now I’m in trouble.’
Except when it is.
My birthday hasn’t meant shit to me in about 20 years. I don’t want gifts. I have the impossible task of explaining it to That Guy because every other chick has played the stupid head game of ‘I don’t want anything (but if you actually get me nothing I’ll kill you.)’
What the heck are you talking about? That seems like a consistent tradition that is applied to everyone equally. While you are a “child” you get a specific gift, but only until you’re a “grown up”. If it’s consistent and applied to everyone equally, that’s fair. If I get a present from the age of 1-18, and my sister also go the same gift from the age of 1-18 – we each enjoyed 18 years of that gift. It’s like a rule that is applied to everyone equally.
I never said that a tradition applied equally to all family members is unfair and certainly wound’t “hate” your family for it (I don’t even know them!) It’s when the rules aren’t applied fairly to everyone and there are clear indications of favouritism being conveyed that I would be indignant. Like if my Grandpa gave me $100 and my sister only $50 because I was the male child, I’d be offended at the implication that she is considered of lesser importance. Or if granny gave me $200 as a gift in an envelope addressed to me and my fiancee, but only $100 addressed to my sister only because her same-sex partner “doesn’t count”. When people play games like that, it’s nasty.
And as I said in a later post, the OP’s MIL probably didn’t intend to be snubby. She probably figured “Well, the 18-year-old is out on her own now and has bills to pay, so I’ll give her $100 to help her out with the bills and $100 of fun money. The boy is 12 and lives at home, he’ll just get the fun money.” And she probably intended the $200-$250 to be for both her son and daughter-in-law, but figured it would be nice if each person got to have an envelope to open so split it up and may have done so with an old fashioned sense that the husband is in charge of the finances anyway…
I don’t think she meant to be mean, it was probably more that her execution was a little off.
It’s the gift giver’s money, and I don’t see why it has to be applied evenly.
My sister went to college, decided to get married, drop out her freshman year and start plopping out babies. She didn’t get much in the way of prezzies from dad. She found a new dad to take care of her.
My brother went to college, went into the sciences, got good grades and got $20K to help out.
Grave insult to my sister? I don’t think so. Dad’s an engineer and obviously values science and education over dropping out and having kids. His choice.
If my niece is mainly interested in being a Goth, wearing too much makeup and pissing off her parents and my nephew is intensely interested in dinosaurs and astronomy guess which one gets $40 and which one gets $200 for a new telescope, or some books?
My money, I decide. I’m not writing a $400 check made out to “your family” and let you decide how it gets spent. To be honest, I may not trust your judgement, or may figure you control most of the family money anyway. It doesn’t automatically mean I value you less.