So, after being disappointed on your birthday, you essentially told your husband AGAIN “don’t get me anything.” And then he doesn’t get you anything, surprise, surprise.
This morning my husband and I opened our stockings. I got him a memory card for his camera, a thing to use his I-Pod in the car, socks (yawn, but needed) and some treats and candy. He got me some deodorant, a toothbrush, a bag of M&M’s and a pack of gum.
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I also think if this is what you get when money’s tight I’d love to be your husband when money’s good. He must get mountains of toys.
Personally, I think you overbought and when your husband didn’t match your insanity (which he has no idea about because you told him “don’t get me anything”) you got mad.
Except in all of your examples, that’s exactly what it means. Saying you don’t trust someone’s judgment, that they pop out babies, that they wear too much makeup, etc. means you value them less. It simply does.
I don’t value them less as people or as parts of my family but I am free to make judgments about how much of my money I want to give them and also make judgments about where I think the money’s going to get spent.
Please don’t confuse me with my “father” though, because he’s not actually my father and I never got anything from him. My brother and sister got what he decided they should get, but I was never part of it. I got a really good sense of my relative worth there.
But a daughter who found a husband to pay the bills is different than a son who’s racking up huge student loans and making his own way in the world.
Well, in all fairness, it doesn’t sound like levdrakon is referring to a family holiday, but rather specific “merit gifts” the kind you get as a reward for a more specific accomplishment.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing for “awards of merit” type gifts. Like my parents bought got my sister a (used) car as a gift after she graduated university, to help her out as she was starting on a career path. But that was a gift for her specific accomplishment and NOT part of a “family holiday”. She got it for her graduation, her special day, and it was clear that if I graduated they would bust their hump to help me out somehow too (maybe not a car, but something). They weren’t playing favourites, she worked hard, and it was more of a reward in recognition of that. Their generosity in no way reflected on what they thought of me.
When it’s Christmas, it’s a family holiday, and that kind of display is out of place, unless it’s really, really clear that someone is getting an extra-special gift in recognition of a special achievement or an event. It’s Christmas and you are giving your beloved three children their gifts. If you give two of them bicycles and the the third gets a whistle, the third kid will probably feel slighted, and hurt, and think “What did I do wrong?” At Christmastime it’s celebrating the whole family and a disparity in gifts, is more likely to make the “lesser giftee” feel less valued as a family member.
I don’t play that game. Ever. I am not the Amazing Kreskin. When I say I don’t want anything, that means exactly what it says. When someone says that to me, I take them at their word.
You sound like the lunatic character Rosie Perez plays in White Men Can’t Jump:
Don’t ask for the water if you want something else. Tell it straight. You’ll be much happier if you do. Quit bitching in the meantime.
If life were fair, your husband’s understanding of the words that came out of your mouth, and his actions subsequent thereto, would have been correct.
And, by “correct,” I mean “his doing what you said would not have earned him this level of passive-aggressive bitchitude,” not “he would have bought you the proper presents you telepathically indicated to him.”
I’m an engineer too, but I’m also wise enough to grasp that college isn’t for everyone. Valuing science and education doesn’t preclude valuing raising a family.
I don’t disagree with this:
but it is sending a value judgment message to give differing amounts.
Katriona: Yeesh. How lovely.
Am I missing something? Was that in this thread somewhere?
That little smile you think you see creeping on to hubbies face after situations like your birthday?
he’s laughing to himself because it’s absolutely ludicrous to be angry at somebody after specifically stating that because your budget is tight don’t get anything, which at that is much stronger that simply “oh I don’t need anything”. The fact that you worded it so strong and then were outright upset is silly. Admittedly, if I were you I woulda been disappointed, perhaps, that all I got was a simple cake and barely any recognition, but you can’t be upset like that. The smile? because I’d put money that it’s a habit of yours to pull this “suddenly upset when somebody has the temerity to do what you say” card. You should be ecstatic that he listens and respects what you tell him, and start saying things in a more direct manner so he can take what you say at face value.
He might also be sadly laughing at himself for getting in to a relationship with somebody who still pulls that stuff. Mature, married people in relationships don’t need those kinds of “read my mind” games anymore.
As to the grandmother thing, I’m inclined to think, perhaps, that she could have been somewhat more equal, but I still wouldn’t have been outraged about it shrug.
I too think there’s a lot more going on here than just a missed birthday and some lousy Christmas presents. I had a miserable birthday this year, too, and I think you need to what I needed to do - to look at the gift occasions in your life and see what you’re missing, and how to get what you need emotionally. Do you want your daughter to call you? Tell her you want that (don’t expect her to think of it on her own). Do you want a cake and nice dinner and celebration on your birthday? Find a way to make it happen. Do your husband and son show their love and respect other ways throughout the year? I’d give them more of a pass at birthdays and Christmas then.
The gift money thing was strange to me, too. My husband and I are usually given money as a couple, and it’s usually the same amount if it’s to each of us individually. That said, you can’t tell anyone what to give as a gift, and as Desiderata says,
You got $50 - go buy yourself something nice. And when your next birthday and Christmas come around, make sure your messages to family members are clear - “My birthday is on Friday, and I would like to go out for dinner for it. I would like X, Y or Z as a gift. I would really appreciate our daughter calling me after dinner, and I would really appreciate you asking her to do so.” etc.
My ex-boyfriend was horrible about this sort of thing, so perhaps I’m prejudiced in the OP’s favor, but the thing about gifts/birthdays/holidays isn’t the freakin’ gift itself.
It REALLY IS the thought that counts.
Couldn’t her husband have gotten her a card? The ones you can find ANYWHERE that say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you!” Couldn’t he have given it to her the morning of her birthday? That would’ve cost three bucks, at the most? What’s with the whole cake-and-wake-the-kid-up routine at 10:30 at night? That’s obviously an afterthought.
You don’t have to spend money to make someone feel special. And it’s the “feeling special” part that you want; the gift, if you get one, if it’s cool, is just gravy. It’s, “Hey, I thought of you.” Not, “Hey, I finally remembered you…um…let’s wake the kid up to sing to you…”
And deodorant? WHO GIVES DEODORANT AS A GIFT?
I dunno. I’ve had some crappy birthdays and some great birthdays, and some great Christmases and some awful ones…and they never had much to do with the loot people gave me or didn’t give me. One of my favorite Valentine’s gifts ever was a big huge card with a tiny stuffed panda on top of it. Hey, look, you thought of me. You went to the trouble to make me feel special, and I didn’t have to make you do it.
That’s all I ever really want. Maybe I’m mis-reading the OP but it sounds like that’s all she really wants, too.
At home we grew up using “Santa lists” for any occasion.
Your birthday/Christmas/whatever is coming up and you see some CDs you’d like to buy? Well, the store isn’t likely to run out, is it? Instead of buying them, put them in The List. A couple weeks before the actual date, The Relatives ask for The List and you give it to them. Like bridal lists, they allow the gift-givers to pool money (if there’s something that would be too much for one person’s budget but ok if they do pool), make sure you don’t get three of the same, and if they see something that spells Your Name they can go ahead and buy it, but if they haven’t had one of those revelations they can just pick something from The List. Usually we’ll give something “big” and something “small” (say, an expensive, carved hardwood box for my brother who loves carved boxes - full of his favourite and cheap candy).
SiL’s family doesn’t do that and it’s reaaaaaaally complicated gift-giving hereabouts. Her best friend picked up the List idea from us and now does it, but SiL doesn’t :smack: I never know what to buy for her… God, she’s been with my brother for 15 years and we haven’t spent more than 40 hours together in a room that wasn’t full of people or a setting that wasn’t artificially merry, she doesn’t do email, how am I supposed to know what the hell does she want?
Yes, that’s what I was trying to say. Let’s face it, there is usually emotion behind gift-giving. When I cross-stitch something for my mom that takes months and give it to her for her birthday, it’s not the cost of materials that matters - it’s the time and love that goes into something created just for her. When my daughter gives me a book for Christmas, it’s not just about the book - it’s about our mutual love of reading, and the fact that she knows what I would enjoy the most.
I’m feeling relieved that Christmas is over now. My daughter did tell me today that she told her dad before Christmas I had bought him something to open, and he might want to have something to exchange. He chose not to, and can’t be surprised when I feel hurt. We DID talk about exchanging gifts, and DID agree to do so. I also DID say that I wanted to fix up the kitchen, and us working together on that project would be something I want. The rest is a matter of interpretation. To make no other effort other than the promise of going to Home Depot or Lowe’s with me to get light fixtures sometime in the future is just wrong. I see this as an example of actions speaking louder than words.
All of you guys chiming in to say that I’m a whiny, pain in the ass that says one thing and means another, you have GOT to be kidding me. It’s not about the money. We may have been on a strict budget the month of my birthday, but that doesn’t mean that you do absolutely nothing. It was my 40th birthday. You have your opinion and I have mine, but I’m not posting to some online forum and criticizing YOU for your opinions. If you don’t agree with me, that’s no reason to call me names.
We’ve been together for over 20 years - it’s not too hard for him to “read my mind”. Assuming that he has no idea that I would want at least a card and a paperback book is idiotic. Come on, now. I’m the one that organizes the parties for everyone else; even in the leanest of years, cake, singing, dinner at home, and a few small packages are a family tradition. The reason I even posted about this is because it’s not normal behavior.
Now, my husband and I need to talk about this soon. Now is not the time, but soon.
purplehaze, I was sad to see what a snarkfest ensued after your post. While I understand that it might be better not to say “don’t get me anything,” almost all men know what that REALLY means – “don’t get me anything big.” Even if they don’t, there’s a lot more to a birthday than getting you something. It’s making you feel special – it’s bringing you breakfast in bed - -it’s saying, “Nope! you don’t wash dishes today, it’s your birthday,” It’s giving you a massage, it’s whatever. It’s a lot of things that don’t cost any money. And obviously there are deeper issues and obviously you deal with a mate who is less than supportive. I feel for you and I hope things go better. I’m with you.
OK, I should have said most men, in my experience, know what that means. Thank you. However, I DID acknowledge that it might be better not to say ‘don’t get me anything,’", if you recall. I felt it unnecessary to continue bludgeoning that particular horse, as has been done in this thread. I felt it necessary to lend support with what, in my experience, is a true statement. The point of my post was that there are many free ways to show appreciation of a person on her birthday, without getting her anything, and I am sorry she didn’t get that.
Again, this has been said in the thread, ad nauseum. I doubt she needed to hear it again. I was lending support, commiserating–maybe you don’t relate to, desire, or give that sort of support. I stand by it.
This is a completely erroneous assumption and is the cause of much avoidable friction in relationships. Men are not that deep. We don’t look for subtext in what women say to us. We take them at their word. We hear “Don’t get me anything,” and we assume we’re off the hook.
I believe this kind of thing happens with more than just presents. Women expect men to be able to decode their communications while men just take them literally. This has happened with my wife many times. For example, it took me like ten years to figure out that when she asked me if I was hungry, she was telling me that she was hungry. There have been million other little things like that where she claims to have told me something when I thought she was saying the complete opposite. Another example (which I think most men figure out within a year or two) is that “do whatever you want. I don’t care” actually means “if you do this, you will pay.”
I think that sometimes women thnk that men are deliberately misreading or ignoring signals just to be dicks when the reality is that the poor slob never had any idea there was a signal in the first place. Assuming that a guy understands “what you really mean” is a huge mistake. There’s a better than even chance that those signals are sailing right over our heads like a Rex Grossman pass.
