My response would be something like the following–delivered as rapid-fire as I can, without waiting for, or listening to replies.
Does it have to be a real animal?
Can it be mythical?
How about fictional?
Maybe something presumed to exist on at least one of the nearly infinite planets in the Universe?
Could it be extinct?
Must I be multicellular?
Does it have to be diurnal (or nocturnal if I get the night shift)?
Should it be native to the habitat where I was born or, alternatively, where the job will be?
Are sterile crossbreeds acceptible?
Would it have to be something that can be house-trained?
Will I get a better health plan if I’m an endangered species?
Are your facilities Aquatic-species accessible?
If I was symbiotic would my life-partner get benefits?
Does the lunch room cater to ungulates?
Do you have a policy barring discrimination against parasites?
I’ve heard that some scientists consider slime molds as animals–What does your corporate philosophy say on this important issue?
And what about viruses–I mean I’m not even sure that they qualify as living but if they are they would be animals, right?
And if they haven’t had me dragged out of the building by then…
Awww, screw it!! Just make me a platypus.
No, a cormorant.
No, a sea otter.
No, the other kind of otter. (What do you call that?)
No, an impala.
No…et cetera…ad infinitum.
Because then I’d have an excuse to do a Peter Griffin-esque cover of the first few bars of Rock Lobster for no particular reason…
I was going to say “A Liger… because it’s pretty much my favourite animal”, but someone beat me to it (and added Computer Hacking and Bo Staff Skillz as well. Bastard! )
What about The Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri Lanka?
“I am the Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri Lanka! I am Very Scary!”
Better yet, Hypnotoad!
Why?
Because Everybody Loves Hypnotoad! (even if the show has been going downhill since the third season… )
I swear to God, I have been asked this question. I was about 18 years old. It wasn’t a job interview but some sort of college orientation group thing, where we were all sitting around the floor in a circle. It was supposed to be a “getting to know each other” sort of question. Most of the other 18-year-olds said they’d like to be a dolphin, or a seagull, or something.
I was already in a very unhappy place, because (to my surprise) one of the other participants in the group was my very first boyfriend, who had recently dumped me, and whom I had been avoiding with the sweaty intensity of an insecure adolescent ever since. I was not in the mood.
So when it way my turn, I said I would like to be one of those strange fish that lives deep in the ocean where there’s never any light, and their teeth are so huge that they can’t even close their mouths. Someone asked me why, and I said, “Because I hate this question.”
Everyone laughed, including the ex. I’m sure they all came away with the impression that I was snotty and defensive. So I guess it was probably a good “getting to know you” question after all.
Actually, I’ve been kicking this around in the back of my head for a few days, and I wish I remembered the line the “Candidates” repeated in the original The Manchurian Candidate. Then I’d start rocking to and fro in my chair, repeating the line over and over again with a glazed look in my eyes. . .
Tripler
Or I could chant “I hate Angela Lansbury. Yes mother, I hate Angela Lansbury.”
“Which Animal? Ooooh, Alan Price I think, he was the most talented. No, wait, Eric Burdon, he was a complete lunatic and that must have been fun. Oh no I know, Chas Chandler 'cause he went on to discover Hendrix. Oh hang on, how about … too old for this job, did you say? Thanks for your time …”
I was at the Battle of the Bands yesterday, and I’m sure I saw a few unexplainable ripples… also wish the Stanford band had used that inflatable raft they brought, perhaps our creature would have finially appeared.
Can fly,
breathe fire,
sleeps on a pile of gold,
sharp teeth and claws,
scale armor,
holds damsels for ransom,
can make pearls, like oysters,
diverse investment portfolio,
looks classy smoking a cigarette holder (unlike foxes, which just look gay),
pick BBQ flavored boogies,
etc.
)