You’re hired! 
An ornery, permanently pissed off chihuahua that snaps at, barks at and bites anybody who comes near me. Tu quiero Taco Bell?
I think I would be a civet. After years of rich bastards scraping my asshole raw I could finally take my revenge. (guess where that $300 per oz coffee you’re drinking came from)
I also found this inordinately funny. I like the part about his eye wandering about (not his eyes). That makes it so much more realistic.
“I think I’d be a human. I’d be interesting to see what the other side feels like.”
This is easy. A star-bellied sneech. Duh.
Or maybe a pangolin. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna be a pangolin.
“Well, Sir, I wouldn’t want to be a dog - I can aready lick my own balls. Wanna see?”
mm
Jump up onto the desk and start making monkey noises, start throwing papers all over the room, throw things at people over the cubicle walls, and generally make a nuisance of yourself.
Sit back down, make eye contact, smile engagingly, and say, “I’m sorry; what was the question again?”
Octpi do too have ink ,or most do, the deep sea ones have let their well run dry. Here’s a muy cool photo of one in action. I did learn in looking for a cite, that the ink also contains an eye irritant. One more handy skill to have around the office!
A crab.
Not the ocean kind.
A crab louse.
For you see, then I would not need look afar for bliss. I would be welcomed into the thriving community that infests you even now! I would be just another happy member of the herd that forever dwells in your pubic hair! “Oh” you say “I shall shave and get that shampoo from the doctor.” Rubbish! For one, you are far too lazy to go through the procedure of cleaning and laundering everything in your apartment. For another, with your massive libido and low standards, you know it would be days at most before you are re-infected. Yes, a crab. I can hear them calling, calling, gently from your underwear. Ahh, too think of the bliss of always being that close to you- no longer needing to watch you through binoculars or comb through your garbage to feel close to you.
To sum up, a crab.
Or if I can’t be that then I’d like to be a Jackelope.
I always wanted to be a goose. But recently I found out that they might be greasy. So now I don’t know anymore.
Bwahahaha! This contest is over! Give that man the five thousand dollars!
-Crying With Laughter Clam
Not even in the same league with that answer…'scuse me while I wipe off my keyboard…
But anyway, my poor pick would be a Diaper Boss.
Full of shit and all over your ass.
“Calling, calling gently from your underwear.” There are indeed some world-class writers on this board.
A snake.
On a plane.
The only thing that would make this any funnier is to start singing:
Why do crabs cause itching there
And make you scratch in your pubic hair?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
A beagle enhanced with radioactive powers that lurks in the depths of Lake Spafford, waiting for the right moment to snatch a wandering child who gets close to the water to pet the duckies – could easily be mistaken for a dingo.
Incidentally the animal I might want to be.
My other answer :
So you’re saying I needn’t have the brain of a human, or even have opposable thumbs, to do this job?
A shark with a friggin’ laser beam attached to my head.
A crab. Not the pubic kind, the ocean kind. Cause when the hopelessness of this job devours me, I want melted butter to be involved.
[hijack]Why are manhole covers round? Because manholes are round! If the covers weren’t round, they wouldn’t fit![/hijack]