How is dating different in your 30s than in your 20s?

In My Humble Opinion
21

[QUOTE=Grossbottom]
Very generally speaking, the fruit that is woman will never taste better than in the years between 25 and 30. Those are the ripe years, the perfection years… I’m 33 and I would trade every woman I ever knew in my 20s if I could just do the early 30s again.
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I think you might want to couch your sweeping generalizations in the fact that you’re speaking from the point of view of a very young man who has not one glimmer of a clue about what delights await you among considerably older women.

They just keep tasting better and better. I have no expectation that this trend will ever stop, but then I’m only 51.

22

34
Great job (that I’m actually happy doing), good income.
Did well with stock options so I have a good nest egg.
Pretty good looking (or so I’m told)

Been single for 2 yrs now. 30’s women ARE looking for stable guys they can build a future with. The problem is that seems to be all they’re looking for. I would just like to meet someone that is actually interested in ME as well and not just the fact that those first 4 lines are true.

I constantly meet women that mentally check off the “stability with upward mobility” box and are ready to jump in. I wish they would take some time to get to know me. Otherwise I think they’re shallow and are just doing some sort of bastardized job interviewing.

23

I didn’t start dating my wife until we were both in our 30s. In my experience, both men and women in their 20s don’t seem completely formed (I know I wasn’t). What I mean is that people in their 20s still had this generic quality. Everyone was listening to the same music, going to the same things, talking about the same crap. In the 30s, people start being themselves more.

When you get to your 30s, that’s when the person is more real somehow. There seems to be less nonsense in your 30s. Maybe it’s me, but when I hit my 30s I felt it was finally okay to be who I wanted to be; alot of the relationship drama of the 20s turned out to be just a bunch of histrionic bullshit. I didn’t much enjoy dating in my 20s, partly because I wasn’t good at it; but in my 30s I relaxed somehow and enjoyed it more. That’s just me, though.

24

Hey, I know it came off as harsh…but that was my experience.

I found a good woman…and married her…but I had to go through MANY MANY MANY to find her.

Yes, I’m from MN and that may have something to do with it. I don’t have that much experience eslewhere.

I did not meet a single, childless woman in her 30’s in that 2 years that wasn’t nuts in a major way or remotely attractive…I’m sorry if that offends.

Single Mom’s? They seemed MUCH more sane…normal even :slight_smile: However, as Jcorre experienced (and I was/am doing pretty well myself) that was all they seemed to want. They wanted a guy that could support them, would love, raise and support their current children, and had no desire to have more children.

Many were into duty/responsibility/etc, and I understand that. But if you’re not fun and by being involved with you I will help shoulder your heavy burden…what’s in it for me? There has to be an upside…and most of these single moms did not understand that.

I found and married a single mom (she’s great!) and helped shoulder her burden…but she is FUN! Something the other single mom’s I dated didn’t seem to understand.

25

[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck]
Hey, I know it came off as harsh…but that was my experience.

I found a good woman…and married her…but I had to go through MANY MANY MANY to find her.

Yes, I’m from MN and that may have something to do with it. I don’t have that much experience eslewhere.

I did not meet a single, childless woman in her 30’s in that 2 years that wasn’t nuts in a major way or remotely attractive…I’m sorry if that offends.

Single Mom’s? They seemed MUCH more sane…normal even :slight_smile: However, as Jcorre experienced (and I was/am doing pretty well myself) that was all they seemed to want. They wanted a guy that could support them, would love, raise and support their current children, and had no desire to have more children.

Many were into duty/responsibility/etc, and I understand that. But if you’re not fun and by being involved with you I will help shoulder your heavy burden…what’s in it for me? There has to be an upside…and most of these single moms did not understand that.

I found and married a single mom (she’s great!) and helped shoulder her burden…but she is FUN! Something the other single mom’s I dated didn’t seem to understand.
[/QUOTE]
In the two years since my divorce (I have kids, though I don’t have primary custody of them) I’ve discovered that my potential dating pool is pretty much restricted to single mothers. I didn’t start out that way; I originally set out to play the field, but my dating experiences have consistently steered me towards single moms and away from non-moms.

I guess it boils down to this: my dating pool is “unattached women between the ages of 26 and 40.” Women from that group who don’t have any kids fall into one of two categories: women who want kids, and women who don’t. Women in that age range who want kids tend to have a bit of urgency about it. That won’t work with me, because I already have four kids and am unsure whether or not I want more - and if I do want more, it ain’t gonna be right away. OTOH, women in that age range who don’t want kids often don’t like them or understand (or want) the impact that kids have on your life. That won’t work with me either, since my kids are going to be a big part of my life, especially for the next 15 years or so.

Single or divorced moms, on the other hand, have a lot of common reference points with me. They’ve been forced to make someone else’s happiness and well-being the focus of their life. They seem to share my impatience with some of the games never-married, childless people my age seem to relish. (Sometimes to excess - the opposite side of that coin is that sometimes they want to get serious too fast!)

I’m sure there are exceptions to those tendencies, but I sure haven’t had dinner with any of them in the past two years. :smiley:

26

The world must be quite different back in the States. In Tokyo there are many, many, many good looking women in their 30s and 40s who don’t have kids, are not nuts and don’t have issues.

27

[QUOTE=TokyoPlayer]
The world must be quite different back in the States. In Tokyo there are many, many, many good looking women in their 30s and 40s who don’t have kids, are not nuts and don’t have issues.
[/QUOTE]
:: checks prices on tickets to Tokyo ::

I think English-speaking Canada can be considered an adjunct of the States for this purpose. I do not know what French-speaking Canada is like for this. But I have found that single women in their thirties and forties are few and far between here. Maybe I’m just hanging out in the wrong locations (my workplace, for example).

28

Wow. Just wow. I don’t seem to live in the same universe as many of you.

I was usually single and a student, into my mid-30s. My appearance is just fine. I am not abusive or a drunk, and I play fair in relationships. I drive well. I have never declared bankruptcy. I’m an excellent cook. My living areas are generally sufficiently clean. It’s generally affirmed that other than being something of a know-it-all I’m a good catch. I write high-quality love poems. I am attentive and listen well. I’ve worked consistently since I was 15, though I never made more than $20,000 a year when I was a teacher and early career counselor. Am I “fun”? I can’t evaluate that. I think so, but it depends what you mean by “fun.” I don’t have kids but had no strong opinion about whether the people I got involved with did. I do not feel threatened by other people in a dating pool, regardless of their age or sex.

Nonetheless, I was generally single. I wasn’t holding out for somebody rich, but I was holding out for somebody nice. In my mid-30s, right after I finished my doctorate, I began seeing a woman in my profession. At that time I did not have a professional job, my training having just ended. While looked for something reasonable, I worked retail at a Hickory Farms, which impressed her family because I wasn’t too snooty to do “honest work.” She did not demand that I have a good income before we got involved.

When we first began dating, I was struck by how easy, calm, and reasonable the relationship was. She is attractive and very kind, and our values are very similar (including our shared value of voluntarism and providing pro bono professional services rather than making every cent we could). We have been together for 10 years and in the spring will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. Lizard, my advice is to try to meet people in general through your mutual interests. Even if there isn’t an obviously straight, unmarried woman in an interest group (hiking, book club, whatever), there may be people there whose judgment you come to trust who know a woman who would be a good match for you.

29

I agree with msmith537 that a lot of it is regional. I know quite a few women here who didn’t get married until they were 30 or so and waited a few years to have kids. Hell, out of my friends, I’m considered to have married young having done so at the age of 26 although we’ve put off having kids.

I think that the reason is that a lot of people spend their twenties and early thirties finishing their educations and getting started in a career. It always strikes me as unusual to meet someone who is 24 and already is married with kids.

30

I’m married now. Waaaaay more complicated.

31

[QUOTE=Caffeine.addict]
I agree with msmith537 that a lot of it is regional. I know quite a few women here who didn’t get married until they were 30 or so and waited a few years to have kids. Hell, out of my friends, I’m considered to have married young having done so at the age of 26 although we’ve put off having kids.

I think that the reason is that a lot of people spend their twenties and early thirties finishing their educations and getting started in a career. It always strikes me as unusual to meet someone who is 24 and already is married with kids.
[/QUOTE]

Wow…comments like this really make me wonder.

If you’re female, 24 and don’t have kids yet…you are in the minority around here.

It really must be regional.

32

Blinking, I’m female, 26, no kids, and no desire for kids. Want to see how big this ‘minority’ really is?

33

Do you live in an urban or rural area, Lionne? I agree that it’s definitely a regional thing. I live in North Carolina, and most of my girlfiends were married by 26, though few have had children yet. All of went to college, and most of us went to grad school, but people do tend to marry and have kids earlier outside of big urban centers.

Lizard, I’m 29 and married, so not quite in the demographic you’re looking at, but I’d say the main thing that’s changed between now and my early 20s is that I have a lot less time for nonsense. A guy who’s in the process of finding himself is no longer at all appealing. You have a plan, you have goals, and you’re working towards them, so that would be a huge point in your favor. And I’m not going to lie–I do want kids, sooner rather than later, and I wouldn’t get involved with a guy who didn’t feel the same way. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

34

[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck]
It really must be regional.
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Are you surrounded by Starbucks and Buttfuckers?

35

The superficial bullshit you have to put up with in your 20s is replaced with…deadly serious bullshit.

36

[QUOTE=BlinkingDuck]
Wow…comments like this really make me wonder.

If you’re female, 24 and don’t have kids yet…you are in the minority around here.

It really must be regional.
[/QUOTE]

Clearly.

My GFs college friends all settled in Pennsylvania and married their college sweethearts a few years out of school. Most are divorced now though. My friends all settled in NYC and got married much later. There are many reasons why. Not the least of which it can be a lot of fun to be single or at least unmarried with no kids in a big city. Would you rather be racing home to Westchester on Metro North to take care of a couple of screaming kids or go have dinner and drinks at Buddakan with some friends?

37

Lionne lives in MN?

38

I am no longer in my 30s, but I can tell you the exact nature of how the two decades differed. My 20s were filled with unprecedented failure. My 30s were filled with unprecedented success. The reason? Two months (to the day) after I turned 30, I made the decision that the way things were going were wholly unacceptable. I decided to take charge of the situation.

Now 45 (and staring down the barrel of 46), I’m back in the same situation.

I’m sure that will come as a shock to most of you.

39

Since I got married at 19 ::wince:: I didn’t date in my 20s, but after divorcing at 35, I did date.

IME, the men I dated had biological clocks that ticked every bit as loudly as women’s are rumored to tick. Since I had two children already in their teens, I was not at all interested in having more children–while I didn’t mind if the guy had kids of his own, and I didn’t mind if they were small or grown, I sure wasn’t signing up to have additional children.

And that was a show stopper for almost everyone I dated. In fact I started feeling really flawed because I knew I didn’t want any more children. I also didn’t want someone to be a dad to my own sons, since my ex is a fantastic father. And I didn’t need someone to support me, I was doing that on my own. But the kids issue ended up torpedoing almost every single relationship.

FWIW, I am in the Midwest and I’m guessing this area is more about family and children than elsewhere.

40

[QUOTE=Contrary]
And that was a show stopper for almost everyone I dated. In fact I started feeling really flawed because I knew I didn’t want any more children. I also didn’t want someone to be a dad to my own sons, since my ex is a fantastic father. And I didn’t need someone to support me, I was doing that on my own. But the kids issue ended up torpedoing almost every single relationship.
[/QUOTE]

Are you me?

I don’t want to have any more children. I also don’t want to deal with anyone else’s small children (older kids are okay). Sorry if that sounds heartless, but mine is sixteen. I’m almost done, and I’m not signing up for another dozen years of this crap. I’m not looking for anyone to be “fatherly” toward my kid, because again, she’s almost sixteen. Just try it buddy, she’s likely to dopeslap you. I’m sure as hell not looking for anyone to save me from single motherhood, because it’s what I chose.