Dating: how do I overcome the stigma of being in my 40s?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m in the dating pool, and I am having difficulty meeting women. I believe that part of this difficulty is because I have just turned 40: it seems to me that men over the age of 40 are perceived as being Significantly Older and therefore undesireable*.

My question: what can I do to improve myself and make myself more attractive, in order to compensate for this?

The obvious answer is to make a lot more money than I am now, and acquire expensive toys. But that is not an option in the near-term future. I am working on getting into better physical shape, but that’s going to take a while.

What else can I do? Buy better clothes? Learn to dance? I’m already taking French… :slight_smile:

I must admit that I’ve had more success meeting women over 40 than under.

[sub]*Interestingly, a number of people I’ve talked to said that there is not such a stigma against older men in Europe. Could this be a result of North America’s marketing emphasis on youth?[/sub]

2

How old these women that consider you “significantly older?”

3

First thing, if the above was not tongue in cheek, I’d suggest looking for a better caliber of woman. There are those of us who aren’t into all the “trappings” as you’ve described them - we prefer real, honest, good, truthful, caring PEOPLE - not their “stuff”.

AS a woman, I wouldn’t date a man under 40. I’m in my 30’s. Perhaps it’s not your age - maybe you’re not looking in the right places?

4

Why aren’t you interested in the over-40 women? Perhaps you’re trying to market yourself to the wrong crowd.

StG

5

I’m 33, my SO is 51. If there’s a stigma about older men, I guess I missed the memo. I think old guys are hot.:slight_smile:

6

Stigma? Date people who are also in their forties.

And don’t stigmatise women who are older than you by refusing to date them on principle.

7

My advice would be: don’t try to date women in their 20s. I think that’s where the stigma, if it really exists, comes from. I’m in my mid-30s. I’d be happy to meet someone who’s 40ish and established in their life. I banned 20-somethings from my dating pool a couple years ago.

To improve yourself and make yourself more attractive:
• Make sure you don’t live with your mother.
• Make sure you’re not 300 pounds overweight and that you bathe daily.
• Make sure you’re a good conversationalist and don’t turn everything to yourself.
• If you were married at one time, do not talk about the ex all the time. Do not bring up former relationships within the first three dates.
• Think about your “target market” – exactly who are you looking for? Then go hang out where those people do… When you find women with similar interests, it’s much easier to break the ice and start a good conversation.
• Focus on making new friends and forget about sex. Then, just before you get stuck in the Friend Zone, make your big move.
• Finally, examine your own standards. 30-40 year old women rarely look like Victoria’s Secret models. Some of us do, but your odds of finding one… Are you looking to get laid with some 20-yo hottie? If that’s your goal, then maybe you do need to acquire some expensive toys. Preferably the vibrating kind! (heh)

The “obvious” answer of “making a lot more money… and acquire expensive toys…”

:sigh:

Do you seriously think that’s important? Maybe to a 20-ish year old, but to someone your own age, that should be totally irrelevant.

Anecdote: recently I was e-mailing with a potential dating candidate I “met” through an online dating service. In his second e-mail to me, he made a point to tell me what model Mercedes he drove. I asked him why he felt the need to point that out, as if I give a damn what he drives. I never did get a satisfactory answer out of him – he’s a lawyer, which might contribute to his evasiveness. Needless to say, he never got a face to face meeting. I really hate the assumption that all single women care about is material excess.

My point here, is just be yourself. Assuming you’re intelligent, fun or funny, hold down a steady job and don’t live with your mommy, you should have no problem. With any woman you meet, when you decide you might be interested in dating, try to focus on her – not yourself. Ask her questions about herself to show her that you are interested in *who she is[/]. Try to avoid sending the message that the only thing you are interested in is getting laid.

And, what’s so wrong with women over 40?

8

Ahh, another 40 year old man who thinks he should be a babe magnet for teenagers and twenty year olds.
:smiley:
What’s wrong wih the the women your own age?
Why do you think they are too old for you?
And given that you do think 40 year old women are too old for you, a 40 year old man, why would you imagine that anyone significantly younger than you wouldn’t tar you with the same brush as you use?

9

Argghh. I wasn’t clear enough. Sorry. I am NOT looking for a ‘twenty-year-old hottie’–and the female stereotypes flogged by the media are far from the top of my list of desireability.

My desired age range is between 30 and 50. LunaSea, the women who consider me to be Significantly Older were in their early thirties.

But I’m also wondering about children. My impression is that it’s dangerous for women in their forties to have children. If I’m wrong, please enlighten me, and I can stop worrying about that.

Perhaps I should look for a woman who already has kids…

Last weekend I had a date with a very attractive 43-year-old. But, as usual, there was no ‘click’, and I expect I’ll never see her again. :frowning: The remarks about expensive toys are just pent-up frustration…

10

Hmmm. Are 30-something women actually telling you that you’re too old for them? Or is this just something you’re assuming because it didn’t work out? Also, keep in mind that sometimes people find any old excuse to avoid another date, usually because they don’t feel the “click” you referred to.

11

Well, there are an awful lot of women on Lavalife who are in their mid-thirties, and specify 40 as too old. So it never even gets to the dating stage.

12

Give it a try. Us single moms can have tons of trouble finding quality guys who are willing to even look twice once they hear about the kiddos. It could be a mutually beneficial arrangement.

13

Sit down and write some funny and arrogant comebacks to the age question. The age thing is a filter, once you have gotten past that wall, it shouldn’t be an issue.

14

Heck, most guys aren’t even worth a damn till they reach 40. Many women will back me up on that. I think if you broaden your horizons a little (more than online matchmaking), you might find women who appreciate what a 40 year old man has to offer.

An Arky

Who’s 40 btw…

15

Broaden my horizons, how, An Arky?

16

Hey here’s a novel concept…LIE!!!

Yeah…we guys sometimes mislead about a lot of stuff. Age, money, careers, whatever.

A general rule of thumb is that your ideal woman should be half your age plus 7 years. ie at 18, you should date someone who is 16. At 30 - 22, at 40 - 27. This helps account for the fact that women mature faster than men (mentally and physically).
Just my observation, but it seems that as people get older, dating becomes less about fun and hanging out with someone and having sex with them to a desparate search to “find someone” before they reach some arbitrary age cutoff.

17

I never saw that formula as the way to find the age of an ‘ideal’ woman, msmith537; I saw it as the lower age limit. I looked at it as a shorthand for reducing the likelihood of cultural differences between the members of a potential couple. And I’m quite aware that it may work in the other direction as well.

But I won’t lie about it. Yeah, I’m older, balding, and I’ve got a spare tire. Deal with it. Would you want to go out with a liar?

18

Blech. I’m 30 and I can’t even imagine dating a 22-year-old woman. Never mind the fact that any 22-year-old would run a mile on finding out I was divorced anyway.

Sunspace, just look at it as the French would, that you are a 29-year-old with eleven years’ experience.

19

msmith537, lying is absolutely the worst thing to do. The truth about your age or career is going to come out eventually…and then you look ten times worse for having lied about it.

And as for the desperate search to find someone before an arbitrary age cutoff…I sense that too, and it’s certainly a shame. There are people in their 20s who seem far more mature than their years, and people in their 30s and 40s who are still emotionally stunted. Age is just not a concrete determinant of character. Neither is money or career, for that matter.

20

I was always significantly creeped out by older guys. Then, at 29, I married a guy 12 years older. We’re still happy! For me, when it was the right person and right setting I really didn’t have the misgivings.

I think meeting someone older is more comfortable if you meet in a mixed group of friends of various ages. When I met an older man in a bar/dating scene, it was much more off-putting. Any indication that he was interested in me because of my youth was the kiss of death.

It seems like 35-40+ year old single moms would be a good “target market,” since it sounds like you like kids. Maybe help coach a sports team or tutor or something. Not necessarily to hit on women you meet directly, but to expand your network.

This last piece of advice is based on my husband and I meeting at church. Whatever you believe, find a community that shares your beliefs and be part of it. If you’re Christian, that’s easy, it’s church. But there are also Unitarian, Ethical Culture, and other groups. For me, it is the fact that in these communities you spend time talking about beliefs and values at a non-superficial level that makes the difference. It’s hard to make that connection and build trust over small talk like sports, movies and music.