Here’s the deal. I’m 24, she’s 35. We’ve talked on the phone a lot (we originally met online) met once in person, and each found the other tolerable. We’re going out for dinner this weekend. She has three teenaged kids, whereas I just got out of college last year.
She doesn’t seem to think I’m immature; in fact she said I’m the smartest person she’s met in this town (it’s a small, rural town). She seems to be supporting her family okay herself, so she isn’t just looking for a wallet.
I guess I’m posting this because I’m still not sure exactly WHAT she’s looking for. Obviously, she needs something that she thinks I can give her, because she said she thought I would add to her life. If she were 25 I’d say she needed a fuck buddy. That seems like too crude a term to use in reference to her though. I think sex is definitely on her mind, but she doesn’t want an ignorant “local yokel,” who doesn’t have a job or IQ bigger than his shoe size.
I guess it just feels a little strange. I like her, and I think she likes me. But this is the first time I can remember going into something where I knew it probably wouldn’t be long term. She needs a lover who meets her standards, and so do I. So far, we seem to be satisfied with each other, although we haven’t done anything more than kiss. So why do I feel so odd? Not “bad,” just odd.
I don’t expect any serious answers. I just wondered what other Dopers might have to say about similar situations they’ve seen or experienced.
Well, Lizard, not that I think you want relationship advice from me …but I think you should just go with it for now. You two seem to be getting along well, why analyze why, why, why? Just have a good time. She’s old enough to make her own decisions and old enough to know what she wants. Apparently, she wants you.
I’m 37 and my SO is 45. The age difference isn’t an issue at all. We enjoy each other’s company, have lots of interests in common (our interests may coincide but our likes and dislikes greatly diverge - it makes for interesting times), have a wonderful sex life, all in all, we’re very happy together. I hope your relationship works out as well as mine has.
I met a woman on Saturday, and had a lot of fun talking with her. She’s 29 (I’m 23) and has 3 kids, the oldest of which is 8.
I don’t think she was really considering starting anything with me, but I did get her number. Haven’t been able to call yet though, since the stupid phone company hasn’t hooked up service in my new place yet.
Anyway, I did do some thinking, and I’m just not ready to deal with kids as part of a relationship. If not for that, I’d be excited out of my mind to have met this woman. Maybe that makes me shallow or something, I don’t know.
Heck, I’m the last person to take relationship advice from anyway. I just wanted to share my mini-story.
I’m 45, my SO, soon to be husband, is 36. My son is grown and out on his own. My SO has an 11-year-old daughter that lives with him. The age difference has never crossed my mind. Our life experiences are such that he is much more mature than his age, and I’m ready for my second childhood. It’s more what you have in common and share than it is in a number. I do think that the older you are, the age difference matters less. Since you are still very young, I’d say she’s just interested in you as a companion. Take it as it comes and just enjoy it.
I see Lizard being played by Joey Lawrence, and Older Woman by Annie Potts. Can I be the (even older) wisecracking neighbor, who comes by to offer wise, witty advice to Annie while we sip Maxwell House International Coffees?
First, don’t consider her ‘an older woman’. See her as a person with needs & wants, goals, Etc.
Women are touchy about their age, so referring to this lady as an older woman can’t possible score big with her self esteem.
Just tell her alot how beautiful & young she looks & youll do just fine. 35 is prime time sexually for women, especially those who had kids as their pelvic muscles have been reborn, so to speak, by having children.
I don’t know, how do you go about dating a woman your own age? Start there.
Or you could just delight in her as a person and enjoy your time with her. As a friend, lover, human being who you click with sort of thing.
Stressing about age in a relationship is so useless. Stress about abuse, differences in lifestyles or temperment, or even decorating opinions, but if it works as a relationship who cares when the people were born? (Baring the usual legal limit, but under certain circumstances even that I’ll grin at.)
You’re both adults but you need to sit down and think with
the big head about why a 35 year old woman would be interested in a serious relationship with a 24 year old man. For better or worse you are at significantly different places in your maturity and life experience cycles. I’m 43 as of four days ago and while I might be physically attracted to a 25 year old woman(in all honesty a “girl” to me) having had numerous conversations with 25 year olds they are (to me), no matter how intelligent, lacking in life experience and philosophical depth to the extent that relationship with them could not be satisfying except pehaps on a purely physical level.
If the gender roles were reversed and a 35 year old man was interested in pursuing a relationship with a 24 year old woman the usual considerations would be that he was looking for a more nubile hardbody than the run of the mill 30ish to 40 year old women that would normally be in his pond and in truth also looking for someone without kids or emotional/ attitudinal baggage that would look up to him as a mentor or sorts and whom he could control more than someone his own age. These situations often end badly when the 24 year old grows up and decides she does not need a controlling “daddy” to direct her life (although that’s what attracted her to him in the first place) and they split, often with now fatherless kids in the wake.
When an older woman takes a younger lover there is often an overtone (as with the previously cited older man scenario) of a desire to be able to control and direct the relationship. Does any of these issues apply to your situation and would you be comfortable in that relationship? Only you can answer that question.
You also need to be realistic about making children. At thirty five and with three children already this may not be on her radar screen as a desirable scenario. If you are OK with that at 24 (and you may well be) then no worries but you need to clarify this before beginning the realtionship. I would also urge you to be very careful about birth control. Unless her tubes are tied she could easily have additional children and women entering new relationships often change their mind about not having kids if they become deeply attached to the man.
You are both (nominally) grownups. Have fun just don’t get careless and make kids in a casual relationship that you are not prepared to raise.
Her tubes are tied, and this is one reason she was originally apprehensive about me. I guess other guys walked away from her once they found out. Plus, two of her kids are mixed race, and to some people around here that does matter, although not to me.
Anyway, I agree about differences in maturity, etc. But this is moot in our case. She had her kids quite young, and has done nothing but raise them ever since. I’ve actually been around more and had more of a broad range of experiences than she has. She even said she didn’t feel like she was really living. How I could help THAT, I don’t know. I’m not a social wunderkind myself.
A few years ago, I was involved with a woman who was 10 years older than me. She had two kids, and also a husband (which is irrelevant now). Her tubes were tied, and she was convinced that I would eventually leave her for a woman still able to bear children. I tried to explain to her that her daughters would be enough to satisfy any
“paternal urges” I would have, but I never succeeded.
She was so convinced I would want my own children, in fact, that she ultimately chose to stay with her husband than with me. That wasn’t the only, or even the prime reason, but it was a reason.
Of course, now I’m engaged to an older woman, and the age has never been an issue. It’s all about maturity.
I admit that I have turned into an insatiable sex fiend since my 30th birthday (many moons ago) without signs of remission, but I have to ask for a cite on that comment.
Lizard - I have dated guys much younger and guys much older and would be lying if I said that there isn’t a lot of differences between the two groups, some good, some bad. I have yet to find the perfect man at ANY age and if I did, why would want him? Imperfect is much more interesting. The only determining factor in who I want to spend time with is the type of person he is, not how many years he’s been alive.
Diane, I went to college before the Internet was even around. We read books, how would I ever cite something from the 70’s? Well, I guess I can give it a shot.
The pubococcygeus muscle is like any other muscle. The stronger it is, the stronger the response–in this case
orgasm.
(ka´gul) specific exercises named after Dr. Arnold H. Kegel, a gynecologist
who first developed the exercises to strengthen the pelvic-vaginal muscles
as a means of controlling stress incontinence in women. He later learned
from patients who had been performing the exercises that strengthening of
the pubococcygeus muscle, a sphincteric muscle that surrounds the vagina,
also improved feminine sexual response and contributed to the attainment of
orgasm.
A third area in which the Kegel exercises are important is in pregnancy
and childbirth. The exercises strengthen the pelvic floor and therefore are
helpful in reducing discomfort and congestion during pregnancy and in
providing support for the pelvic organs before and after birth. During delivery
the mother who has developed good tone and conscious control over the
pubococcygeus muscle is able to release the muscle and thereby facilitate
the passage of the infant through the birth canal."
So it appears women who have been able to control this muscle from having children are able to use it to get more orgasms-y later.
(Now if only I could figure out how to get hard returns out of my pastes)
…but I think you should just go with it for now. You two seem to be getting along well, why analyze why, why, why? Just have a good time. She’s old enough to make her own decisions and old enough to know what she wants. Apparently, she wants you.