I couldn’t figure out which forum to post this in, and figured the patrons of this one might have something interesting to say on the subject.
I’m dating an older woman; she’s 41, I’m 30. (I’m male.) And so far, this is the most incredibly terrific relationship I’ve ever had. We get along great in and out of bed; we like the same jokes, Buffalo '66, Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, etc. So why am I so certain it’s going to end dreadfully?
There are certain lifestyle differences: I live in a rented bachelor-dump, she owns a gigantic house; I have a dog, she has the kids every other weekend; I “go to work,” she owns the business and is legally responsible for it…
So I’m hoping there are other dopers who’ve had this experience and have something helpful/insightful/experienced to say about it…
You’re asking opinions, so this belongs in IMHO. Given the title of the thread and the context of the forum, I thought this thread would be about older woman/younger man couples in books and movies.
I haven’t been in your situation, so I can’t add the Voice of Experience. But if you can work together and are willing to invest the time and effort it’ll take, then those differences you mentioned won’t matter one bit.
Probably you just realize that in 9 years she will be 50. I dated an older woman for a while, in fact it was my first ‘real’ relationship. She was only 8 years older than me, but whenever I thought about the possibility of a long-term relationship I kept thinking about how old she would be at various points in my life.
My wife is older than me, but not by much - only 15 months. I can deal with that.
My best friend is 45; his wife is 10 years older. From out here, they seem like the happiest couple I’ve ever known. She’s youthful and he’s always been more mature than his years. His step-children are not much younger than him, and the whole family is extremely cool and fun.
It isn’t such a far-fetched relationship. Heck, if he were 10 years older, it wouldn’t seem unusual at all. Women tend to live longer than men, I think, so it sort of makes sense for the woman in a relationship to be older than the man. My ex is 8 years older than me, and our age difference wasn’t a problem. In fact, one of the reasons we split up is that she was so damned silly and immature.
On the other hand, MrsO is 14 years younger than me, and we’re happy too. I just have to take good care of myself so that I won’t die too much sooner than she will. I know, it’s a morbid thought.
In both my marriages, age was only a small factor. The older person has had more time to accumulate experiences. That can threaten the younger person, but it doesn’t have to be a problem, if both partners are aware and sensitive. I think when two people really connect, age becomes less of an issue.
My husband is 10 years younger than I am. I make more money, too. Neither of those seem to matter. He provides support in a lot of ways, and financial support is a minor part of the relationship. He also treats me better than anyone else I’ve ever known. We are pretty much preposterously happy, all the time.
Mark one more vote for “Age ain’t nuthin but a number.”
My ex was 21 when we met. I was 34. We split up when he was 23. Like so the song says “baby, sometimes love just aint enough”.
He got offered a dream job when he graduated from college. How could I hold him back from that? A 36 year old single mom of three? I’m not at liberty to go to Japan.
He went.
The relationship was generally a good one, on and off over about five years. But in the end, I found I wanted to marry and have a family. She was OK with the marriage part, but had two teenage sons and couldn’t have any more children.
I think that was, in large measure, why we broke up, although the more immediate cause was just that we fought a lot more as time went on, and I couldn’t deal with the constant conflict.
I like them both, but I will say I have a weakness for younger men. It’s weird that the guys that I attract are usually five to ten years younger than me, and I am almost thirty.
I won’t say I don’t like older men, but if I am looking for something long term I will date an older one most definately. If I am looking for well, ummm, you know, the younger guys can rock my world.
I"m 37, my SO (female) is 45. The difference hasn’t bothered either of us a bit. We share interests, communicate well, have a scorching sex life, are completely different in some way, completely complimentary in others. Everything just fits and it works. That’s it in a nutshell. Age has never been an issue.
First off, get rid of this “in X years she’ll be n and I’ll be m” hooey. As time goes on, the age difference becomes less significant. Ten years difference when you’re 20 is a lot more noticable than when you’re 60.
Houses, kids, type of job are all issues in a relationship regardless of ages. Don’t think of these as being age related at all.
The having kids issue is significant for most people. Get that resolved early or you’ll regret it bigtime. Again, can also be an issue for same age people.
Of the 6 sibs in my HM&O family, 4 married much older people. Stuff happens.
For the most part, I dated younger guys, but it just sorta happened that way - I never specifically sought them based on age. My husband is 3 years younger, and I have male friends who are as much as 15 years younger. I have no idea why it works out that way.
If I was unattached right now, I can think of one man who’d most definitely be in my sights - and he’s 13 years younger. Age as nothing to do with it, tho - it’s all a matter of personality and interests and compatibility. And hormones…
I am 25, and I have a 14-year old student who is absolutely precious. Because he’s in a fully-grown man’s body, I have to constantly remind myself of his age. Hands off. No questions. No ifs, ands, or buts. I would never be able to live with myself if I ever crossed that boundary. Not just because I’m his teacher, but because he’s 14. If he were 20, and I were 31, I might feel differently, but he’s not, and I’m not.
Of course, his immaturity and complete naivete about the world help in the quelling of any possible feelings for him .
If all those issues are sorted out, and you are both happy, then what’s the problem? As long as you’re not hurting anyone and not breaking the law (but I guess that’s your problem if you are), then good for you!
When RickQ and I met here at the SDMB, I resisted takng him seriously because of our age difference. He is 25 and I am (gulp!) 41. You can do the math; that’s a big difference. I am also more educated (he has a bachelor’s, I have a Ph.D.), more established in my career, and make more money than he does. I really thought those things mattered.
They don’t.
What might have mattered is our how we felt about children. I have never wanted them and frankly think I am beyond the age to change my mind. He decided that having children wasn’t a priority for him, either, so that was settled.
Other than that, I think that, depending on the people involved, age differences are like any other differences–you talk them out, compromise, find a way. If you and the woman you are dating are compatible, don’t let the numbers scare you.
Rick and I are obnoxiously happy and plan to marry in July. I hope things work out as well for you.
Funny, now that you mention it. I think in AZ if you are under 18, you can marry with parental permission, and under 16 needs a court order, but you can still marry.
However, I’m not sure what the laws are governing actual sexual relations where one person is a minor and one is not.
Great help, all of you; thanks. (No sarcasm intended.) She’s been out of town for a week, returning Tuesday, and I feel a lot more secure about the whole thing now. I don’t see issues of maturity arising–I met some of her friends, who assumed I was a young-looking 40-year-old (actually I’m a young-looking 30-year-old; maybe her friends can’t see very well)–and my plan is to play full out.
Actually that’s always my plan, not that it’s always a good one. I sometimes end up “milking a cow with a crowbar.”
Re: Dating people underage. Why would anyone want to? When I was 29, I briefly dated a 19-year-old, and you know what? I have NOTHING to say to a 19-year-old. “So, uh, how 'bout them Sidestreet Boys? What? Oh.”
And, to respond to the obvious question about that little fling, at this point in my life I like women who are a little more experienced in, um, “saucy antics.” Not that I’m Warren Beatty or anything.
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