After getting out of a crappy relationship with a 36 yr old guy, (I am 61), I realize theres probably a point where the age difference is too wide.
My ex was with me because I showed an interest, and because hes disabled, almost never goes anywhere and can’t really meet people.
I was used, and hopefully I will learn my lesson.
But what is too much of a difference?
I ask because its never the same with old men, young women. Women are valued for being fertile, even subconsciously.
Edited to add, everyone tells me I look about 48.
I’m 61 & my gf is 68, so that narrows it down to between 7 and 25 !
(we’ve been together ~30 years)
In the context of your OP (and presuming we’re talking about consenting adults), age is just a single factor among a great many that should probably be considered.
Unless you’re very concerned about peer pressure (“what your family will think/say”), I’m not sure there’s a delta that, inherently, crosses some line.
I think the difference is less important the older the younger partner is. For example, it seems more “off” to me for a 40 yr old to be with a 20, but a 70 with a 50 seems much less so.
As a VERY general rule, I think any age difference over 20 suggests some questions. But, of course, it all comes down to what the partners feel they are getting out of the relationship.
You seem to be speaking of hetero couples. I don’t really perceive any difference between whether the man or woman is older. Brigette Macron is 24 years older than her hubby. That seems somewhat skeezy to me since they met when she was a teacher and he was 15. But whatever makes them happy.
I should’ve mentioned that I was referring to male/female couples, as the old fashioned, but built into our evolutionary genes to prefer fertile females, presides.
Why do you think the age matters? People exactly your own age can also use and abuse you.
Its more that if he had met a lot of women, he wouldn’t have chosen one who was old enough to be his mother.
And he Didn’t choose me.
Half your age plus seven is the minimum age. Maximum is your age minus 7 then doubled.
Okay, it’s not really that clear cut, but as someone who violated the rule and it didn’t work out, age difference was definitely part of it. Experience and expectations in life matter a lot in the long run.
I think when the gap is too large is when a couple does not share the same cultural touchstones. As @Dinsdale said I don’t think sex or gender makeup matters. It’s when you don’t share similar memories of bands you liked, TV shows, movies, where were you when (X) event happened, etc.
When I had a long-term relationship end in my 20s I was briefly flirting with a much younger girl at a gym I joined (she:19 / me:27). It was nice to have someone so young and attractive seemingly attracted to me so soon after my breakup, but talking to her, mentioning bands I liked and having her say “who?” or mentioning things that I remembered well that she didn’t, I realized it would not work out. There was no bridging the age gap.
ETA:
Yeah, this too. As in my example, a 19 year old wants to do stuff like go to loud clubs and dance all night, and at 27, coming out of a serious relationship, I was already well beyond having any interest in that stuff.
When I was 18 and 19, I was dating a woman who was 14 years older than me. My parents were, not surprisingly, not happy about it, but they never did anything like trying to forbid me from seeing her. The relationship didn’t last, for a whole bunch of reasons, including this one:
She and I shared some interests, but not only did she grow up in a different era from me, but she also simply had far more in the way of life experiences. It was certainly fun for a time, but it wasn’t likely to work out as a long-term thing.
The biggest age differences for me were with a woman 18 years my senior, and with another woman 16 years my junior. For the second one, this song was fairly appropriate:
If both parties like classical music, I don’t see what the problem is. Or if they are employed in the same field. Or have the same hobbies. Heck, if a younger person sees a “sugar daddy” and the old fogey just wants some “arm candy”, that could be fine as well. Maybe one sees a “teacher” and the other a “student.” No problem.
A lot of folk in their 20s and 30s might not want to hear this, but very often they just aren’t as “mature” as most folk in their 40s-50s who have bought houses, several cars, had various jobs/promotions, raised kids… I see such an difference in “life experience” a potential issue.
One issue I could imagine is the difference in physical ability, if either enjoys athletic activities which they wish to share with their partner. Another one is if all of their friends are of their own ages. But if the older has young friends and the younger old friends, that would likely ease things.
But age is just a number. If you both find each other attractive - or the relationship worthwhile for sufficient other reasons, and are fine with the fact that the older will likely predecease the younger, then age simply isn’t an issue.
I’m 61. My kids are all in their 30s. If my wife died/left me tomorrow, I could imagine dating someone in her 40s. Besides the fact that I’m not sure where I would MEET women younger than that, I’m not sure how much we would have in common. And I don’t know what a woman that young would see in ME! I’m in pretty good shape and pretty active for my age, but I most DEFINITELY am not as fit and active as I was in my 40s.
My greatest age difference was a 29 yr old woman when I was 21. She seemed considerably older than my friends and me who had mostly just graduated undergrad. I’m pretty sure she was simply in it for the sex - which was fine with me!
The largest gap I did as an ongoing relationship was a 17-year difference. I was 35 she was 52. We had other problems that doomed the relationship; age wasn’t a major issue. We were together about 3 years. Next largest was a 15-year gap and took place when I was considerably younger, being 21 when she was 36 (and 25 when she was 40). The experience difference in particular was occasionally a problem. I didn’t have the years of having “done relationship”. I was immature in various ways, although perhaps not in the ways typically associated with 21 year old people. We’re still friends and exchange telephone calls occasionally.
I wouldn’t call either relationship a mistake or wish I hadn’t gotten involved with them.
I’ll agree with the chorus that it’s more about the delta in interests and in energy than anything else. There are certainly no “rules”, only tendencies.
I could see a 10 year gap between e.g. 35 & 45 being no big deal, but that same 10 year delta between 20 & 30 or 70 & 80 being far larger and more ominous. Albeit for different reasons.
Story time:
I’m now 63. My first wife died last year when I was 62. We started out the same age when we were married 30+ years ago, but by the time the cancer had finished with her she was, practically speaking, about 90.
So in a way I got to practice living with someone my age, someone 10 years older, and eventually someone 25+ years older and very late in their life. It is very hard to be married to someone who’s becoming infirm for any reason while you’re not, and that includes ordinary aging.
One of the lessons I took from my experience was that I did not want an LTR with a significantly younger woman. As a then-62yo in excellent shape w many objectively desirable features, I figured I was fully competitive for at least some of the 40-something women. But to get into an LTR with one was to set a time bomb ticking. For all the good decades of togetherness I had with my wife, it was still a great effort to attend faithfully to her as our relationship morphed from husband and wife to caregiver and patient. Which left damn near nothing for me emotionally or recreationally in the last year or two.
Asking some 20-year younger woman I might meet now to sign up for that duty in maybe just 10 or 15 years seemed … unwise and unfair. Unfair to her and unwise as she might choose to run rather than stay once my going got tough.
I decided it’d be smarter to have any LTR be close to my own age. That’s still no guarantee we’ll age similarly or avoid chronic severe disease or premature disability. But ISTM the deck is stacked as much in our mutual favor as possible when we’re nearly the same age. I can’t ask her to be there for me if there’s no practical chance I’ll be there for her. Or if I’m unwilling to be there for her.
My new wife’s age is 4 months different from mine. That close wasn’t a goal exactly, but it was an outcome of the decision to “shop” only near my own year group. One I hope will pay dividends in similar interests & stamina now and a similar trajectory later.
Ursula LeGuin wrote a great essay on younger man/older woman relationships, sparked by her mother, Theodora Kroeber, remarrying a man some 35 years younger, after Alfred died. I can’t find it, and I read it so long ago that I may have garbled it, but I do remember her point that older men marrying much younger women is so common as to excite no comment, although older women observing it will privately sneer, just as men will privately be envious. But an older woman paired up with a much younger man is so rare that heads will turn. It is women who will be rather envious, and perhaps speculative. It’s hard for me to imagine what men think about it.
Anyway, she recommended it.
Life experience apparently does matter. With my recent ex, he’s had a comfy life; lived with his parents til he was about 27, a few relationships. Meanwhile, I’ve had more, was homeless, lived with an addict, saw my son die.
Some 30somethings can be mature, but he was not.
I’m reminded of the actor Tony Randall who, at 75, married someone who was 25. He was 77 and 78 when he fathered children with her.
It worked for them!
.
Of course, he didn’t live to see them grow up.
That’s a risk for anyone who becomes a parent at any age, but at his age it’s practically a certainty.
I’m 45, and in a dedicated relationship with a woman who’s 30, almost 31. The age gap does have some effect on things, from getting cultural references both ways, to differences in life experience (e.g., I have already done my share of kid-making, she is basically entering the stage of life to consider it (but not interested)). This being my first relationship with much any age gap, I can see both sides of the coin, to some extent.
When we first met years back, she had reached the common goalposts that I consider basic to being an adult, such as living on her own, having entered the worklife, and been in a serious relationship.
We have highly compatible interests and goals re: where to live and how, and perhaps most importantly, we share a similar sense of humour. She is the sexy nerd I’ve always wanted. Her early 30’s energy, sexual and otherwise, has definitely rubbed off on me some, which I cherish. She has expressed appreciating my somewhat age-related wisdom (heh), perspective and knowhow.
I must admit LSLGuy’s narrative of his experiences with (premature) aging does give me pause.
At 45, I’ve definitely lost some physical ability compared to my early thirties, the age where my partner is at now. I get sore from doing menial stuff that didn’t affect me before, I can’t brush off lack of sleep / food like I used to, I have to grunt coming off positions I managed perfectly silently before. And having some older friends, I know full well I ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
One thing that helps my partner relate is she has started to experience the first sprinklings of “old age” herself: “What the hell is this lower back pain?”, “How come my stomach is all upset after a night out?” etc.
Yeah, the first thing I thought was that it didn’t work so well for the kids.