On the OP, over 40 years now. Our love for the family member who has officially been diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality far outweighs the inconvenience to us. She sees a therapist weekly and a psychopharmacologist monthly, and follows her medication schedule. It’s far more difficult for her than it is for us.
I don’t accept the premise of “bad people.” Or evil for that matter. There’s just a lot of beliefs that make sense to some people and not others. In my experience, even the most annoying and selfish asshole has a motive that makes sense to him. I think it’s intellectually lazy to believe someone’s motive is no more than, “Mmmmuahahaha! Ima do some badness today!” I won’t convince you of that,** CM** but I’ve done some pretty messed up stuff while delusional that seemed pretty sensible at the time. It’s natural to avoid irritants, but it’s useful to study them as well.
As for OP, my question is, how long before you get tired of people running away from you? Doesn’t have to be like that. It’s your brainorgan, you’re ahead of the game because you know it’s broke. Study yourself, medicate if you have to, and most importantly accept the past and learn from it. Its your disease, if you dont beat it, it will beat you.
PM me if you want. I lost a lot to it and have found ways to manage it. It doesn’t have to be terminal.
(bolding mine)
I could just hug you a thousand times for this.
My Mom had Borderline Personality Disorder, and we had a rough go of it. I mean, I won’t sugar coat it, she was abusive when I was growing up. I don’t know why, I could just never see her as the monster others saw, always assuming the worst of intentions. She did some awful things but behind those awful things there was so much pain. Just immense pain. And she had so much love in her as well. I do not suggest that anyone tolerate abuse - I certainly didn’t, and taking some time away from her was probably the best thing either of us could have done at that stage in my life. But I never thought she was a bad person. It’s been a painful push-pull as we’ve worked out our own boundaries and new relationship patterns and all of our family relationships have been redefined. Now she is actively pursuing treatment, and facing all this pain has been so difficult for her, but she keeps going and getting healthier and better, and I am so proud of her for that. It makes a tremendous difference when someone is willing to get help.
I’m trying not to get too emotionally involved in this thread, but I wish people had more empathy for the mentally ill. I mean, I’m batshit crazy myself, and happen to think I’m worth knowing.
This is a well formed and thoughtful response. Thank you.. I was not diagnosed until age 40. Until then “clinically depressed and bouts of substance abuse” was the shelf I was left on. I was never a burden on the state, have always worked, occasionally have seen success in my art though mostly failure. Medications work for a year or two then stop. I don’t have classic mania - but the lows are so bad I withdraw from everyone until they pass and THIS is where I think my illness causes the most problem. I can not be counted on. Present, fun, lively, interesting one day and out of touch for 2 weeks. I hate being bipolar. Even alcoholics have a better chance of long term management. I’m ashamed of myself and the inconsistent friend, sister, employee and daughter I have become.
Thank you for responding.
Well, yeah, I think a lot of people’s motivations get oversimplified to just “evil.” But I also think certain types of people do exist who really do get satisfaction simply out of hurting people… and that is how I define “evil.”
Tell me how these were not bad people:
John Wayne Gacy
Ted Bundy
Jeffrey Dahmer
Adam Lanza
Cho Seung-Hui
etc…
I’m so happy to hear that your mom is getting healthier, and I hope that means that you’ve been able to start re-building a relationship with her. (I’m not trying to say that I think you should, just that for your sake I hope that’s happening, if you want it to and it’s good for you.) I think your perspective on your upbringing and your mom is amazing. And granted, I only know you a little through a message board, but you are definitely worth knowing. For what it’s worth. 
I have been with my girlfriend 17 years now and she is Bi-polar. I do get sick of it as we have been to hell and back many many times. But we have such a good time together when things are good it seems to make it tolerable. I admit I have cheated and had affairs when she has been hospitalized or in some recovery home or jail but I always go back when she comes home. I figure I am probably sick in my own way but my sickness is more socialy acceptable.
I’m so sorry. I can relate - I’m not bipolar, but I have significant mental health issues including depression, and I do the same thing and feel the exact same way about myself. I wish I had something more comforting or helpful to say, but unfortunately, I don’t. Just that I understand and feel for you and wish you the very best.
I admit I have a really hard time with this. I have gotten much, much better over the years. I even understand depression to an extent that I never did before, and know that there’s just no magic wand, and that I am insanely lucky to have been born with the bood chemistry I was.
But I can not shake the feeling that lots of times, people could do something to better themselves and they just do not. They prefer to be miserable, to wallow in it. And I try to root these feelings out of me, but then I see the behavior all over again, and again wince and again I find myself thinking it.
I just read two awesome books by Wally Lamb. One was “She’s Come Undone” about chronic depression. Throughout the book, while I felt sorry for the girl and followed her story with interest and without contempt, there were times I wanted to grab her and shake her for the stupid decisions she made. And it’s hard to shake that feeling. I had to remind myself over and over again that she was a) a teenager and b) chronicly depressed. Then she went into a facility and she took years to get better, and while I was happy for her, I still couldn’t help but feel - how nice for you. Not all of us have that luxury. Every day people with mental illnesses have to get up and go to work.
The other book was “I Know This Much is True” which was about the twin brother of a paranoid schizophrenic. The paranoid brother - Thomas - completely and utterly ruined his sane brother’s life, with the care, and the craziness, and the guilt, and the anguish. And I had a very difficult time sympathizing with Thomas on any level. I sympathized plenty with his brother, who was as angry as could be.
Both books, however, were very good, and a wonderful look into mental illness. I highly advise people to read them.
I definitely think you are worth knowing. And I feel for you. And I think lots of mentally ill people are worth knowing.
But I would definitely lose my patience with a bipolar person in real life (not saying you are.) I would be reminded too much of my mother. And I dont agree that everyone is mentally ill to some extent, as has been said, and I don’t think every bit of bad behavior can be attributed to mental illness. Some people are cruel. Some people are hard. And some people are just unthinking and hurt people without realizing it. None of these are mentally ill people.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to write an essay here. You are heard. I do listen, as do other people. I promise to continue trying to understand…but it won’t always be 100%.
For me it would depend very much on the individual’s level of self-awareness and willingness to take personal responsibility. If someone treats me or others badly, I would eventually have to distance myself for my own mental health.
You say you are inconsistent and not keeping in touch with people. When someone “disappears,” others wonder and worry, and eventually tire of feeling abandoned and as if they are not important enough to the person to keep in touch with. Maybe there are ways you can work around this so they understand not to take it personally.
That’s helpful for me. Thank you.
How old am I now, 36? The bipolar parent has actually almost always been the more stable parent (the other parent is depressive & has paranoid personality disorder). Medication that works for the person, and is taken without fail makes a huge difference, though I’m aware not everyone is lucky enough to find the right meds.
this right here, beautiful post!!
MLS Great Sun Jester, and some others also have excellent things to say.
Crafterman? has a simple idea that makes him comfortable and the hell with facts.
My stepson is bipolar. As others have stated, it is exhausting to live with such a person. The highs are OK-he can be very pleasant and nice…but the “lows” are terrible-the screaming, immaturity, and self-centered behavior more than makes up for the highs. Fortunately, this kid lives far away from us. But I fear for his future-he has already lost some good jobs because of this, and he refuses medication (he claims it “turns him into a zombie”). But as long as he behaves this way, there is really nothing we can do.
This idea that mentally ill people would be okay if they would just take medication is not realistic. Medication that is used to “treat” mental illness has the potential for major side effects, and doctors use little more than trial and error to figure out the best possible dosages and combinations of drugs in an often-futile quest to improve quality of life. Feeling like a zombie is a big deal, and someone’s choice not to take drugs that have this affect does not equate to their situation being voluntary.
Not sure about the “bad” part, but IMO there sure is no shortage of folk on either end of the couch eager to portray character shortcomings as treatable and compensable pathologies. Open the DSM at random. ODD, PTSD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc…
Yes, there are many many folk who are profoundly impaired by such conditions. If you are one of those folk, you truly have my sympathy.
But IMO there are many more who are relying on such designations as an excuse.
I guess about 35 years? My sister has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, among various other psychological issues. In her it has manifested itself as pathological lying, stealing from family members (and others), all kinds of other manipulative behavior and refusal to acknowledge, let alone accept responsibility for her actions, even when caught red-handed, and most recently a run-in with the criminal justice system for which she is still on probation (and is damn lucky she’s not serving time). Medication has helped her in the past, I think, but throughout her life she has consistently refused to address her issues, via medication or otherwise. It’s frustrating beyond words to deal with her.
I finally threw in the towel after some of our wedding gifts went missing during a period when she was the only person who reasonably had access to them. She is no longer allowed in my home. I understand she has at least one mental illness, if not several, but hey, biology isn’t destiny, and I am really sick and tired of putting up with her crap. The only reason I bother speaking to her at all anymore is because I feel sorry for my little nephew, who doesn’t have the greatest parental role models.
Well yeah, you can be bad AND crazy at the same time. It’s not mutually exclusive. No one said that being mentally ill is an excuse for being a douchebag.
Actually, all of the above WERE diagnosed with severe disorders at one time or another. Doesn’t mean they weren’t evil, but getting off on hurting others is actually one of the major components of anti-social disorder, or sociopathy.
I understand what you’re saying. It truly is a battle and there is no cure, only treatment. As if the episodes are migraines and you take medicine to lessen the “pain.” I’ve been with my fiancé for over four years now, been engaged for three because of the turbulent relationship we have had. We love each other incredibly, but at about 2 years we broke up and both got into some crazy stuff. I won’t go I to detail about that, but we learned a lot over the years and after a month of being apart we tried again and were much more “stable” I guess you could say just by being very well-educated on meds, our moods, and learning how to cope with stress. When I first met my fiancé, I didn’t know he was bipolar. I found out his friend told him if I knew is run from him. That wasn’t the case. I was there for him even when he would disappear for days or binge on alcohol, get in trouble with dui’s. I think I spent too much time trying to “fix” him instead of help him and also take care of me too. To answer your question, people no matter what will always get tired of others that cause them pain or confuse them. But the ones that stick around truly care and learn to cope with the illness. That’s my experience. Hope all is well!
I used to attend DBPA meetings (Depression Bi-Polar Alliance). I’m part of the Depression camp. Usually about 75% of the attenders identified themselves as a Bi-Polar. A few others were spouses or relatives of Bi-Polars wishing to learn more about the disease and how to cope with their loved ones.
Usually, the meetings are civil, but there’s been some crazy moments, and not in a fun way crazy. One member was a cancer survivor who was extremely angry when another of our group committed suicide. She fought through cancer, but the other girl had no life-threatening illness and had everything going for her. How dare she think her suffering was worse than everybody else’s?
Another woman came in late one meeting, VERY upset, announced she had a crisis, and asked what she should do about it. We recommended she go to a “safe place” (the hospital) but she vehemently refused. She did not want to get strapped up and drugged. Whenever we asked for more details, she’d always respond with “Hello, I’m sick!” but still would not consider the hospital.
I eventually got up, went over to her, and said “Hey, let’s go out and destroy stuff. Get it out of your system.” I just wanted to get her out of the meeting. She was upsetting a whole room of Bi-Polars, and that never turns out well. She didn’t cotton to that idea either. Eventually, somebody called 911, and the paramedics turned out to be highly trained in crisis management. They managed to calm her down and arrange for her boyfriend to pick her up. I heard the bf only had one arm. It wouldn’t surprise me if she had torn it off.
So to answer the OP’s question, I don’t know. You can’t always blame your behavior on lack of mental health insurance. Sometimes life deals you blows that have nothing to do with your illness. It’s also hard to summon the discipline you need to control yourself. The mental health field is still not an exact science, as there’s little evidence of cause & effect, and the criteria changes every few years. You can attend support meetings and vent your frustrations, and maybe get an idea of how to cope from other sufferers.
You could try mapping out a plan. Think about the times you’ve lost control in the past. Learn to recognize such situations and implement a way to stop yourself before things get worse. If you think you’re about to lose it, stop what you’re doing, and take at least ten slow deep breaths. Relieve yourself of tension. Say to yourself, “I can fix this.” It may not stop the bad situation, but it will at least keep it from getting completely out of control.