Ask the girl with bipolar disorder

In My Humble Opinion
1

Seeing as how us Dopers are a crazy lot, I’ve seen a lot of threads on mental illness. Specifically, I’ve seen people ask what it is like to live with a mental illness. Since I’ve been struggling a lot, and it helps to talk about it, I’ll offer myself up to answer some questions.

Let’s start with some history. Depression runs in my family. I’ve dealt with these feelings for as long as I can remember, although things seem to be getting more intense. I have not been diagnosed (well, I’ve been diagnosed as depressed after a two minute doctor’s visit) but it’s pretty glaringly obvious. I fit the DSM-III criteria perfectly. I sought treatment once, which led to a prescription of Celexa, which I did not take because the side effects were severely affecting my performance in school. I recieved extremely poor psychiatric help from my school, and pretty much gave up on getting help from there. Right now I don’t have health insurance or money to pay for help, so I’m trying to battle this on my own.

What is it like? Mostly like I’m on drugs, all the time. I’m either in complete ecstatic bliss, or I’m hiding in bed with the covers over my head. I’m rarely “clear headed” and not consumed by some random emotion. My mood cycle pretty rapidly, and I can go from one end to the other in a day- although it seems like I hit highs twice a month or so and fill in the rest with lows and a few days of transition.

The good times are amazing. It’s a true euphoria. I feel like I can feel the very atoms of the universe buzzing with energy. Every song on the radio is mysteriously my new favorite song (I can’t tell you how confusing it is to think “Wow, this is the most perfect song ever! How could I not have noticed before”, only to do it again when the next song comes on). I can rearrange the furniture, paint, call old friends, walk a few miles, dye my hair and sew a new dress in the course of a day. Sometimes it goes a bit too far and I get nervous and irritable. In general I’m pretty tense- it’s really the only way I can work. I do lots of pacing, and stuff. If it’s really bad, I go on sensory overload and everything gets to bright and loud- migraine style, which sucks. But mostly my highs are nearly orgasmically pleasent euphoria.

The lows are just like anyone’s lows. Ceaseless crying- sometimes for days on end. I’ll wake up crying and cry right through my day- bus rides, classes, errands and all. I’ve even figured out how to cry in my sleep. Lots of hiding in bed not answering the phone. A complete lack of motivation- especially if it is something that will help me. And an amazing ability to see everything in the most negative night possible. I feel a lot of hollow despair. The kind of feeling you get when somebody you love dies.

And here comes the fun part. I’ve been keeping an online journal for the last couple months, partly to keep up my writing skills (which I’d love feedback on- please!) and partly to record how I’ve been feeling. I like to think it’s a good read and gives good first person insight into this disorder, so please check it out. Here it is…

Ask away.

2

Are you more creative/able to express yourself better creatively while on one of your highs?

What is the best/worst thing you have done during one of your highs?

Sorry if those questions are too nosey…

3

Does anyone in your family notice your behavior?
Kudo’s to you for taking a hard step in life and confronting a situation head on rather than ignoring it and hoping it will pass.

Now, onto the questions:

What about teachers, friends and relatives, do they notice your behavior?

If you are in CA, can you qualify for…errr…whatiscalled…Medi-Cal?
Or maybe there is a clinic in the area that you could go to?

And, off topic, color me shocked to learn you are a teenager.

I thought you were in your twenties.

Either you whippersnappers are getting smarter, younger or I was just a clueless, room temperature level sheltered slack jawed teen.

4

Thanks a bunch! I’ve always wondered what it feels like to be bipolar. This is a brave move for someone - people are extremely reluctant to speak of their own mental illnesses (which many of us have).

I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and am now on Effexor XR for it. This med saves my life, I declare. I was such a danger to myself before it.

I really, really hope you can get some help. Doesn’t sound like fun.

WRS

5

Another bipolar checking in to help a bit here.

A couple of general things from my perspective. The highs can get a bit psychotic. People do tend to notice, all the really cool things I start tend to end unfinished as the concentration level cannot be sustained by any one thing for any period of time. I was once found directing traffic in my bathrobe - because that is what I thought I ought to be doing.

The lows can be terrifying for oneself (although people tell me they dread my highs even more).

Electro-convulsive therapy was a goodie for the lows. I do not wish to debate anything except to say - it worked for me. Regular medication keeps things, if not exactly stable then at least more than without them.

Holding down a job can be tough - but somehow most of us manage at least partially.

Do people notice? You bet they do - especially during the more psychotic episodes, which can happen on both highs and lows. I am in my 30s now, but during my teens when this first manifested I was sent to all sorts of counsellors without any effect. Why? At that time nobody thought mental illness, they thought merely behavioural issues. Diagnosed much later, after an extremely psychotic break during a manic episode.

Creatively the highs are incredible. I write my best music whilst that way, which makes it difficult to medicate sometimes. You want to feel that good. But the downside of the ups; spending all your moeny and taking loans you cannot pay back. Sometimes…you forget to do simple things like wash. It can be tough like that.

6

Wow, you both are the extreme cases, or close enough as I can tell.

I used to have extreme mood shifts that lasted days or weeks. My parents commented on this all the time. Oddly enough I don’t remember them being anything like this, and they no longer effect me as bad as they did at one time. I still get a bit of mania now and again, which is very amazing. I feel on top of the world, I have all these ideas, my brain seems to work on double time at an efficient rate, creativety flows from my fingertips and cannot be contained. I feel intelligent, confident, responsible, and I get an overwhelming feeling of importance, delusions of granduer I suppose.

I don’t get moods where I cry or hide in bed, but it can get close. I feel dirty and yucky no matter how much I brush my teeth or bathe. I don’t like looking at people in the eye, I feel terribly ugly, and my personality seems abrasive and I feel like the most useless person on the planet. I don’t cry but I get cranky and tend to be confrontational. I suppose sometimes it shows in my posting on here. I am a grade A asshole during these times. Strange that I used to get depressed at my lows, and now I get pissy and angry at the world and myself.
Sometimes these switch from day to day, and othertimes they last up to a month. Never taken drugs, therapy or any other forms of treatment, but I don’t think I have it that bad at all. Probably just borderline BP.

7

I am more creative while in an up mood. The creative work I do (making films) requires an almost superhuman energy, for short periods of time. I’m one of the few people that is can take all that take the stress of spending thousands of dollers, barely eating or sleeping for days, handling the lives of dozens of people, dealing with the endless disasters found on any shoot and still feeling (and making everyone else feel) like I can do it all just long enough to get the movie made.

I guess my other art (I draw, paint, write…in fact, I do almost everything that won’t lead to a paying job) is driven by the general intensity of my moods rather than the specific mood. I draw a lot when I am down and do lots of of repetative cross hatching and detailed patterns. It keeps me calm. I do think my art would be affected if I wasn’t like this

Hmmmm…The best things I’ve done while on a high would probably be making a documentary video that I was supposed to spend three months on in the course of a weekend, involveing coordinating tons of people and about ten locations, and having it turn out spectacular. Other than school work I can’t think of anything great I’ve acheived on a high. It just feels really really good.

8

Hey even sven, those paid type jobs are for the sane folk out there, not us :wink:

Notice, I am a musician…lol. And thanks for starting this thread BTW, I have wondered about it for a while but lacked the courage

Epithemeus, there are flavours of bipolar, namely Bipolar I and Bipolar II. There ups and downs vary in these, and of course in each individual.

9

Did I say I’m a teenager blush, I’m 22. But I’ll accept the compliments anyway. Thanks.

I’m pretty secretive from my family for some reason. They’ve noticed I’ve been depressed in the past, but probably don’t know the extent to which it goes. I know they are all pretty depressed, too. Generally I avoid the whole subject area because it’s somehow more painful if my family is involved.

My friends pretty much have to notice. But they arn’t the most stable bunch themselves. Some of them have a clear idea of what is happening, and some of them probably just think “oh, Sven’s having a bad day again”. My boyfriend bears the brunt of things and I can’t believe his infinate patience sometimes. I know I’d have a hard time putting up with me.

I’ve looked in to a few county health programs and medical, but I don’t seem to qualify for anything. Even with health insurance, generally only about five visits the phsychiatrist are covered. I’m pretty sure I need a lot more help than that.

10

WeRSauron, thanks. It helps to talk about things, because my friends are sick of hearing about it =).

I hope I get help, too. It seems like whenever I’m good enough to seek help, the doctors don’t see what is wrong and I feel like I’m going to feel okay forever. Thats part of the reason for the journal.

I’ve got a lot of opinions of drugs. Treating bipolar disorder is a completely different animal than depression. And unfortunately a lot more important, too. It can be progressive. It has been in me. If I’m this bad at 22 I’m pretty scared of getting older. Many of the drugs out there for this problem are pretty clumsy hammers. Lithium scares the heck out of me because it has been proven to dull the intellect. I know there are some other drugs and I have not research those as much. But we still don’t have a drug that goes “this is it, this fixes it”. Only a bunch of stuff that for some reason seems to make people get bet.

Bipolars have a notorious reptuation for going off their meds. It’s scary to lose something that has always been so intergrel to your soul. And drugs do affect your intellect, art, and general way of life. Many bipolar people would rather feel misery than feel dulled. So while I hope for help, it’s not like drugs are the magic bullet that they can be for depression

I know I could use some therapy, if just to learn how to channel my feelings away from harmful activities.

11

Drugs do affect you indeed. My own experiences with Lithium were…unpleasant to say the least. This was followed by Tegretol, which was better, but still not great, and finally with Sodium Valproate - which was a vast improvement without the crazy side effects.

That and various anti-depressants and anti-psychotics as needed. I have got my p-doc to the pioint where we medicate minimally, in order to keep the creative process working, and I now have relatively few ‘out there’ episodes. Yes I have lost a fair bit because of this, but gained as well.

Tough call, and of course…YMMV

12

UnwrittenNocturne, thank you for sharing. I’ve lost complete touch with reality for a few days on a low, but never on a high. The biggest danger is when I start thinking that everything has too little meaning, or too much. Sometimes when on a high I look at a single object I start thinking about it’s past, the past of the materials it is made of of, the entire history of human progress that lead up to that object- and it starts freaking me out because it feels like all these objects are mocking me with their long and arbitrary pasts.

Holding down a job has been hard for me. I’ve already quit more than my share- some of them rather spectacularly. I know I am just plain not capable of the typical 9-5 grind. Oddly, I was extremely successful in college. Grad school is starting to seem like the only option for me. As for now I’m broke, rent is due in fifteen days and I don’t have it, and I’m scared to death of my future and embarrased about my lack of ability to even support myself in a small way.

13

Bipolar here too - my biggest problem has been fighting that evil siren alcohol…doesn’t mix well with moods and meds oh but what a lovely time I have with it when manic. Of course everyone who loves me absolutely hates me when I am manic and drunk and everyone in the bar adores me but then that is a different subject entirely now isn’t it?

Let’s see to answer questions asked…

Am I more creative? Absolutely. At the beginning of a manic phase (hypo-mania but not true mania) I am good at writing, short stories or erotica, as mania progresses I have a harder time developing completel thoughts so I am better suited for artwork. Particularly anything involving color theory. My eye colr color seems acute at this stage.

Do other’s notice my behavior. I am unusual. Probably because I am older (almost 36) I am an expert at masking my symptoms. Rarely does anyone see anything. I even his my diagnosis from my therapist for a long time. I may be simmering inside or spiraling but on the outside I may just seem preoccupied. At the same time, rarely does anyone know the true me. Only a handful of people.

Best things? Actually there are things that I like about it. I have discussed this with others with the same diagnosis. I feel things and see things in a different and sometimes more intense way that I think I wouldn’t necessarily trade. I think that is what is best. Life is just more intense.

Worst?..well, it is rarely the same for very long, it always changes. If it’s good, it probably won’t be for long and I tend to wear those I love out quickly.

The worst thing I have done is to hurt my relationships and those around me a lot…when I am manic I am really hard to live with. I party like a rock star and no one can keep up with me and I don’t value those who love me. I don’t care if they love me and don’t care if I lose them. That is the worse thing I have done.

14

even sven Mail me if it ever gets too much OK.

15

SO even seven are you on any drugs at all and are you self medicating?

16

No drugs. I can’t afford them nor doc to prescribe them even if i did have my mind made up to take them.

I won’t say that I drink too much alcohol, I can barely keep enough down to drink too much. But I drink alone too often. I tend to look for little ways to self-destruct to ward off the big ones. Sometimes I have a lot of fun. But often it’s just a way to get me crying and asleep instead of pacing up and down the house for a few hours and then breaking down spectacularly and not be able to sleep. It’s a wierd feeling- like I just don’t know what to do with myself or how I can face the rest of the night. Alcohol is just one of the many moderately self-destructive ways I know to get past that paralyzing feeling. I know it’s a bad scene, but it seems better than the alternatives.

Caffeine, strangely, often triggers euphoria. I’m a big fan of coffee.

Other than that and a couple extremely rare jaunts into the world of less legal drugs, I’m fairly drug free.

17

I hear that drinking alone thing, and I do agree it tends to help ward off the bigger downers a bit. Despite being a depressant in its own right, it tends (for me anyway) to get some stuff out, I cry, feel lousy and wake up somewhat better. Cathartic in a way.

18

Well it is good that you don’t drink to excess and the hardest drug you are into is caffeine. A word of advice - when I was yonger I avoided psyche drugs for the same reasons you do. One things I wasn’t prepared for is that left untreated my disorder got worse with time. I have hurt a lot of people and wasted a lot of years floundering and simply living in pain and frustration. There are drugs available that won’t leave you sedated. I am on Topomax and I don’t feel druggy at all. And if you need drugs there are ways to get medicated. I am not saying that you will definitely have the same experiences but it is some thing to consider that no one bothered to tell me. It is subtle and happened so gradually I almost didn’t notice Until I looked back and compared the severity of my illnesss between the ages of say 15, 22, 25, 30, and now…and I realized it just gets worse. I have screwed up a lot of things and the really fucked up thing is… I thook my family and the people I love right down that road with me. OUCH. No turning back now, all I can do is try and make the rest of it better. I hope it works out better for you.

Caffeine - yeah I tend to mix caffeine and alcohol…and psyche drugs --very strange buzz indeed.

19

Strange buzz: Caffeine with Chlorpromazine (we know this one as Thorazine) - yeah heavily psychotic that time…

20

Sounds pretty weird…damn up and (can’t describe it as down…more like a severe left) Did you hate it?