I am sitting in my chair at work trying to stay here and not leave. I am writing this trying to focus my thoughts and achieve some clarity. Every noise is consuming me. I sit in the middle of a large are with half cubes that you can look over while sitting down. There are no barriers between me and the sound of everyone here. I can’t seem to not listen to all of it. Patterns are overwheming me. When I look at the woodgrain, I can’t help but loose myself in it.
I’ve been out for several monthes with intermittent time of a few days back at a time. My employer has really good Short term disability benifits, but I have been pushing it in the eyes of my supervisors I am sure. I don’t want to leave again (plus I will be at 60% of my normal pay.) First it was chronic derpression. Then I started having panic attacks several years ago. Now my Doctor thinks the anxiety is an atypical form of bipolar. Yay!
My legs are shaking- that is better than my whole body shaking, which used to happen for monthes at at time. AAARRGHHHH. I’ve tried going into a “huddle room” (read- very tiny break room) and calling friend on a cell phone. that helped for a bit. I have a new therapist I am seeing at 2:00 PM (EST) today, and then I have to come back to work. If I can just make it till then.
I am begining to think it would be better if I just commited suicide. (IMPORTANT NOTE: I do not have a plan, I am not going to do this, I will discuss this with my therapists, I’ve been there before and I know the dreill) This worries the hell out of me. I’ve been hospitatlized before- many times and I don’t want to go there again.
Is this what “rapid cycling” is like? I’m having depression followed by anxiety followed by way too much energy and then getting it all mixed up. Last night I was laughing while behind the wheel drivign home- for no reason- I haven’t done that in years. God bless it , I can’t loose my job this is the best job I’ve ever had!
Ok this is working a little bit and I really have rambled more than enough anyway. Oh well I’m going to try to go back to working again. Anyone who actually made it this far feel free to share your thoughts if you have anything helpfull, please share.
Are you taking some form of mood stabilizers? I’m not bipolar, but I took lithium for a while during the worst of my “nervous breakdown” time, and it helped. Don’t get so caught up in the diagnosis, just keep trying different things until you find something that works. Bipolar is actually a pretty good diagnosis to have if you respond well to the typical meds for it.
Meds, Boy I could tell you about the med i’ve taken. I am on several now, this time trying mood stabalizers along with meds to combat the depression and keep the anxiety undre control- Lamictal, Tegrital and Seroquil. Also Clonnipan at night if I need it in order to calm down to sleep (I don’t take the clonnipan very often.
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Thansk for the input.
For the last four years, I have been going through this. I was officially diagnosed bipolar in September (though it was suspected for a couple of years before that).
For two years, I felt that I was crazy, that life was miserable, and that it would never get better. I tried every therapy my doctors threw at me and nothing worked.
In October, they finally put me on lithium. Now I feel (mostly) normal again.
There is hope.
I should also add that I am studying for my Psy.D. (doctor of psychology), so I can talk to you about this from a couple of different levels.
I’d be happy to talk to you about this in emails, or here. Either way.
Please do not hurt yourself. Believe me, I’ve been down the “everyone would be better off if I were dead” road, and it’s just not true.
Talk to me (us). You will find that there are a lot of people out there who have been there, too. There is a lot of comfort to be found in that.
I am going to post this now so you will see it right away. I am going to add a longer post shortly.
Sounds to me like you’re having a mixed episode. You at least have manic feelings, but you are also considering suicide and have been chronically depressed, which is what leads me to this (tentative) diagnosis.
I have had mixed episodes before. They are the least fun form that bipolar disorder takes. Many bipolar people (OK, me and Kay Redfield Jamison) say that mixed episodes are when they feel the most suicidal.
Fortunately, they do not last forever.
Some questions:
Do you have someone close to you who you can confide in? Who can keep an eye on you? This is really important. My mom did this when I was in your condition. It was uncomfortable to ask her, but I did it anyway. This can be a lifesaver for a person in your situation–literally.
Do you have a psychiatrist (an M.D. who specializes in psychiatry)? Do you have a therapist (a Ph.D, Psy.D, or a counselor with a master’s degree)? If you have either, you need to call them and make it clear that you are having an emergency. They can help you.
Your health is the most important thing.
I am on long-term disability for bipolar disorder (from the job I did at the time I got sick–I was an attorney). My doctors told me to quit working and go on LTD 18 months before I did so. I insisted I couldn’t because I had massive bills piled up–student loans, credit card debt, etc.
Eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore. My doctors told me I would not get better until I quit. So I did.
I still have massive debt. I worry about money all the time. I only make 60% of my former pay, and it’s not enough to cover all the bills.
But I am surviving. I’ve been doing it for 9 months now. And giving my full attention to recovery has made things so much better.
Given the fact that you are having manic symptoms, s/he is right.
Classic manic symptom. Happened to me.
Good, you have a therapist. Now you need a psychiatrist. DO NOT attempt to make due with your regular doctor. Atypical bipolar disorder is tricky to treat–you need a specialist.
Get a recommendation from your therapist today.
Have you ever tried partial hospitalization? That’s what I did (twice) and it was WONDERFUL. A life-saver. I can relate my experience if you’re interested.
No, that’s classic mixed episode. You have manic and depressive symptoms all at once. One minute you’re up, and the next you’re down–right? One minute OK-ish, or distracted, or hyper, and the next ready to shoot yourself in the head–right? Or similar?
Yeah, my mania came out most when I was alone in the car, at the wheel. Not good. Try to avoid operating a motor vehicle as much as possible. You can make reckless choices.
This is going to be a tough one. It took me 2 years to realize the truth of the following statement:
You have to put your health first. Getting over a full-blown attack of bipolar disorder is a full-time job. If you don’t make it your number one priority, things get worse, not better.
You have to trust that you will be able to rebuild a happy job life when you are better.
OK, here’s where I do something I don’t really believe in doing. I’m going to give you medical advice over the Internet.
You need a psychiatrist, and you need lithium.
Do not wait another day. I recommend the following:
Ask your therapist for a recommendation for a psychiatrist’s name. Then, call and make an appointment from his/her office TODAY.
You will not be able to get in to see that psychiatrist right away. But you cannot wait to start meds. So, pick one of the following:
a. Go to your family doctor and ask for lithium.
b. Go to the emergency room and ask for lithium.
c. Get an immediate referral from your therapist to partial hospital and ask your psychiatrist there for lithium.
Couple of explanations:
Partial hospital is a Monday through Friday program. You go from about 9-4, and go home at night. Typically, it consists of group therapy, daily visits with a psychiatrist monitoring your meds, and educational programs designed to help you manage crisis and understand your illness. My experiences with partial hospital were downright wonderful.
Lithium is the gold standard for treating bipolar disorder. Meaning, it is still the best medication anyone has to offer. There are newer medications out there. Sometimes, those work better for a patient. But the biggest number of people are helped the most by lithium. I personally take a combination of lithium, Lamictal (another mood stabilizer), and Wellbutrin. Lithium was the magic bullet for me (and so many others).
Like I said, feel free to email with any questions, or post here. I will be watching both.
Lamictal does not have antimanic properties. Seroquel does, but not as much as lithium. Seroquel is also highly sedating.
Please talk to your doc about lithium. Some do not want to prescribe it because of side effects. Some simply believe the hype about newer drugs.
Lithium is something that any competent psychiatrist would try in your case, especially if newer options like Tegretol, Lamictal, and Seroquel aren’t working.
I actually have Psychiatrist, and he has not put me on lithium. I think he may be tryin the more “modern” mode stabalizers first, because I have had a lot of problems with side effects from medicines, so he may worry about putting me on lithium. He acually took me off of Wellbutrin, because he thought the wellbutrin might be agravating my anxiety. Thanks for the advice, and I will reply to your longer response when I have time- I need to try to do some work while I am here…
Could be. Or it could be a “mixed episode” which is what I’m prone to in a bipolar cycle – where you experience the mania and depression at the same time. It’s hard to describe, although one of the best descriptions I’ve read did a good job describing it as “despairing anxiety”. I kind of thought of it more like “anxiety and depression after 17 cups of espresso”.
I’ve also had the feeling you descibe: While I was NOT suicidal, I thought that anything that would bring relief from that miserable energized state would be welcome. As you metnioned of your own state, I was also not in any genuine way suicidal, nor did I have plans to injure myself. It was just that the intensity of a mixed episode was way too much to bear and extremely exhausting. So if a doctor had said that the only option to get relief was euthanasia I probably would’ve said “Whatever you think is best, doc!”
As my therapist pointed out, there is a huge difference between feeling so bad you wished you were dead, and actually wanting to destroy yourself. One was about relief of extremely unpleasant symptoms, the other was an actual suicidal thought. Still not good. It really sucked to lie in bed at night getting to sleep only by reassuring myself “It’s okay, I’ll be dead soon. No one can feel this bad and live.”
Oh, I’m so sorry if you are cycling rapidly or having a mixed episode. The mixed episodes SU-UCK! Oh, they suck, they suck, they suck! I could deal with the depression – so heavy if felt like the lead blanket they put on you at the dentists. And even though I found the hypomanic “I-can’t-turn-myself-off” feeling to be really distressing at times, I could deal with it. But the mixed epsidoes - UGH!
Yeah, I had a lot of trouble with side-effects, too. I have some with the lithium, too.
Still, it’s totally worth it. Completely. It gave me my life back.
I tend to get aggressive about saying “try lithium” because so many doctors are so reluctant to consider it. This is usually for reasons that aren’t very good ones. Which are:
Lithium can be toxic in high doses. Meaning patients can use it to commit suicide. Meaning, psychiatrists are afraid you’ll kill yourself, and your family will sue.
Docs are bombarded by drug companies that insist their newer meds are better. These claims are usually based on the idea that new meds have fewer side effects. The problems with this are:
a. Often, these new meds are not as effective in treating bipolar disorder.
b. Often, there just isn’t enough research about the new meds to know what the side effects are going to be.
Lithium has a (somewhat) bad reputation because the side effects can be serious. However:
a. A lot of those side effects happen at high dose levels, and these days, docs usually work hard to use the lowest possible dose.
b. Lithium is the most effective mood stabilizer for the largest number of bipolar people.
No one from the drug companies is out there pushing lithium because it is off-patent. It is not a moneymaker for drug companies. A month’s worth of my Lamictal costs $180. A month of Seroquel was $200. A month’s worth of my lithium costs $30.
Frankly, you may go through what I went through–two years of trying different medications, most of them making you more miserable, not less. It’s common. You need to do your very best to hang on through what is probably going to be a rough time for awhile. Hopefully, it won’t be too long. Eventually, they will find what works for you.
I finally came to the conclusion that I had to start doing my own research on meds and making my own demands on what treatments to try. I highly recommend this route.
Question: would you say you have more issues with mania or depression? Or is it about even?
This, I can totally believe. There was one time I was lying on my bathroom floor and I had a very lucid moment when I thought “Wow - now I understand why mixed episodes are so dangerous. I can totally see how someone desperate for relief could just suddenly want to end it because they just can’t take it anymore.” It’s a really, undescribably awful feeling.
Rapid cycling is defined as having four mood cycles per year (i.e., manic to depressive to manic to depressive) or more. The cycles are measured in weeks.
If you’re cycling many times per day, you’re having a mixed episode.
Depression- definatly depression (since I was in the 5th grade.) Looking back I can see incidents that were probably mania from way back, but they were much fewer and far between. I actually did well on antideprssants for a while and even off of them for a long time, until my sister suicided one year to the day before 9/11 ( there is a thread here somewhere with me lammenting my derpression) the depression came back and with it anxiety/ panic attacks and these “mixed” epsiodes as they are appparently called. I’ve have had some periods I guess I could call mania, but never for very long.
I don’t know that I’ve ever really had a hypomania episode, other than maybe when I was a teenager and i thought I was a powerful psychic and eventyally came to believe that I was possesed.
During my first fully manic episode, I thought I saw Dick Cheney following me around in a maroon SUV. And I kept seeing George W. Bush out of the corner of my eye, glaring at me.
Yeah, that was early October 2004…I got banned from watching election coverage by my psychiatrist.
I guess I hsould also mention that I have been hospitalized (and partial hospitalized) sevral times for derpression ( and suicide attmepts) but the bi-polar diagnosis is new. I it possible to have derpession that turns into bi-polar (or where the metephorical pendulum is heavily wighted towards one side?)
Hypomania is downright seductive. Just the feeling of “bigness”: Colours more colourful, sounds more saturated. I swear to Og, sometimes it felt like my field of vision increased on the periphery so I could see more. I described it to a person once saying “Imagine you have an electric guitar. Without plugging it in, you can still strum the chords and hear it. But then you plug it into your amp… and you hear the hum of the electricity, so you just know that when you hit that chord it’s gonna be big. That electric hum… that is what hypomania is like.”
Mania could be fun, in a shits-n-giggles kind of way, but people can’t understand me because I talk way too fast. After awhile I get exhausted, but still can’t sit still. And for me, if it lasted too long it could end up manifesting itself as “beligerence and rage”. Very rare for me though. I’ve always bounced between hypomania and mixed episodes when in a cycle. Mania is uncommon for me.
Some people can sit at one end of the spectrum more than the other. It can make bipolar disorder more difficult to diagnose, unless something weird happens. For example, my firends wife was diagnosed with “depression”, and they gave her anti-depressants. Totally messed her up. Launched her into a really bad manic episode. Whereupon the doctors said “Oh… oops.”
I on the other hand very rarely suffer from straight depression. Almost not there at all for me. I’m either hypomanic or in a mixed state. The depression only comes as part of my mixed episode (and rarely lasts on it’s own for more than a week). I’ve never had extended periods of dperession only.
However, as Q.N. pointed out, “depression” can manifest itself differently for some people. I tend to be simply “calm” and generally nonplussed. So say someone close to me died, I might be pretty much non-reactive at all as if it was no big deal. Like I’m Spock. My emotions are more “turned off” than “sad”. Closer to apathy.
