I’d say a few weeks. I think I waited 6 weeks for my current partner to decide he wanted to “go there” with me. I was definitely puzzled and a bit irritated over the long wait, but I soldiered on because even if we weren’t going to do it we got along famously and would have ended up close friends.
I’m new to dating. With my first boyfriend (and eventual ex-husband), I waited about six months. But we were doing everything-but pretty instantly.
After my divorce, I went a bit crazy and had a series of casual sex encounters. Only one of which involved actual sex. I decided that oral sex counts as sex; it doesn’t matter if penetration happens or not. I also decided that I don’t want to have sex (of any kind) on the first date ever again.
My current boyfriend and I waited maybe two weeks/six dates before sex, but we made out and touched each other on the first date.
I don’t think I’d want to wait longer than a month, and only that long if the make out sessions were promising. Sex is extremely important to me right now. To the point that it’s my primary objective in dating.
I’ve been married for 13 years and for my wife, who was a virgin when we met, we waited almost five months before actual sex, though there was everything short of that after about the third date.
The girlfriend I had before that, it was three dates.
If I found myself back in the dating pool today, given that I am older, I would expect less of the game playing that went on in my teens and 20s and would expect sex by the 4th date, or not at all at that point unless there were unusual circumstance. That said, my tolerance for unusual circumstances would also be a lot less because that would likely be code for “I come with lots of baggage”. At this stage in my life, given the wonderful, beautiful, and decided normal wife I have now, I refuse to believe I’d ever date someone with any significant baggage, sexual or otherwise.
Just so it’s perfectly clear where I stand (beyond the smilie I used earlier), I understand the preference for “baggage”-free mates. Yet I was kind of gently poking at the “I have NO room in my life for ANY baggage from anyone!!” vibe that often dominates these threads, as it’s kind of an unrealistic standard. We all have SOME baggage and in a relationship we’ll end up sharing the carrying or (hopefully) jettisonning of part of it. From where I stand, waiting six months to recover trust is light weight and it may actually be precisely what it takes to work out the issue and move on; but Your Mileage May Vary.
We will not be dating.
To quote a line from RENT:
“I’m lookin’ for baggage that goes with mine!”
I agree that no baggage is unrealistic if you’re dating anyone older than, oh, four years old. What I want is baggage that isn’t overwhelming, that doesn’t create more angst than love. What I really don’t want, and have no place for in my life, is baggage that doesn’t go with mine. Terra1041 says s/he would rather never have sex at all. And that’s fine, really and honestly it is. But it’s baggage that doesn’t go with mine. It wouldn’t work for me, and better we be honest about that upfront and potentially have a great friendship, rather than trying to mingle our baggage and make each other miserable. Better we not date for months trying to work it out, and find two other people who have baggage that matches each of ours harmoniously.
Beautifully put!
The thing is if you were sleeping with guys too soon and that didn’t work out for you the lesson you should have taken from that is “i have bad taste in men”, but most women prefer to blame the sex than their choices.
We’ve dated before haven’t we?
Oral counts, you know. I don’t know why people think it doesn’t.
When I was single, I don’t think I’d have waited more than a month or so. Even then, I’d have to have really liked the girl. If religion was the reason, we’d have had a real compatibility problem.
I seem to recall people saying in another thread of mine that they’d feel hugely cheated if they were denied intercourse, though.
But there can be other reasons than religion. If I were single, I’d be disinclined to have PiV sex with any woman I could not see myself being connected to in perpetuity, and it can take a while to decide that. I’d not object to a six-month wait if that were necessary with a woman I found highly compelling and who found me compelling in return.
If I’ve stated in no uncertain terms, or otherwise made it completely clear, that I want to have sex with him, and we’ve had at least five dates, and he doesn’t want to at that point, I need to hear his reasons why not. Maybe they’re good reasons, maybe not. Yes, I can make allowances.
On the other hand, maybe I’m ambivalent myself or want to take my time deciding whether I want to be lovers or just friends, and I haven’t made any heavy moves on him nor has he made any on me, and in that case we can go a couple of months or about ten dates. At that point I would think we’ve probably both made up our minds one way or the other.
But usually I know a lot sooner than that and if he wants to, I will. I love sex. I try to stop myself from having sex too early in a relationship because things usually work out better if we know each other somewhat, but sometimes I can’t resist.
I’m in my 50s, heterosexual, and polyamorous.
A month or so, but in my experience it’s been much sooner.
From WhyNot:
“I agree that no baggage is unrealistic if you’re dating anyone older than, oh, four years old.”
Really? I know this is obviously an exaggeration but, I find it odd that people accept the fact that others have to bring baggage to a relationship, at least in terms of sex. I understand an older person may be divorced, have kids, etc., but if that is what is keeping you from having sex, that’s not normal in my opinion. If you’re a rape victim, had a relationship where your significant other was physically/emotionally abusive, etc., that sucks and I understand that too, but then I’d suggest counseling first rather than jumping right into dating again. Otherwise, you’ll send the relationship in the wrong direction because you’ll feel like you can’t have sex because you associate the act with negative feelings, and the other party who is interested will either give up, or dismiss it as a ‘just friends’ type of relationship and move on to a sexual relationship with someone else. I dated a rape victim once who had been attacked by her former boss, and it was not worth the headache in retrospect. I would theoretically date a divorcee, someone with kids, etc., but not someone who was physically, emotionally, or financially insecure at this stage in my life. If that person doesn’t have the confidence to have sex after a reasonable amount of time or otherwise provide a reason why, I’m not interested in being their psychologist to work them through their sexual and relationship issues.
This, minus having a boyfriend. There’s a difference between being interested in having sex with someone and being ready for it.
I think for me, if we haven’t gotten it on in the first month, it’s not going anywhere. I really do think that you don’t know a person till you’ve had pillowtalk.
And seen them with the stomach flu, but you can’t control the timeline for that.
You could always poison them for the same effect.
For me, it would be a couple of months. I have had enough casual sex and I’m just not interested in having sex with someone I don’t know well.
There’s no magic time for me. I just have to know someone fairly well and feel comfortable with them, and with the idea of really committing to a sexual relationship (and potential unplanned pregnancy!).
In both my relationships I’ve spent a lot of time with/even slept chastely next to the person for months before moving past kissing. I’ve never ‘dated’, I ‘hung out’ with people I knew already and things slowly progressed from there. I always have and still feel uncomfortable at the idea of having sex with someone I don’t know quite well. I was always asking myself hypothetical questions like ‘What if against the odds I got pregnant? What kind of babydaddy might he be?’ and searching for signs that he was crazy or obnoxious, before I really got involved. I am overly cautious and slow-moving in most aspects of my life. Sex the second time seeing each other alone for a few hours? No way, I can’t imagine I would even be tempted if it was the hottest person ever.
ETA: FWIW I had the same view in my teens (I only started dating age 19) that I do now, age 25. Different strokes.
This is just bizarre.
There’s just no way to know someone so well within two weeks that I know if I want to get serious about you. You can’t possibly know enough about me to know if you want to get serious about me, either. And I certainly can’t figure out if you’re ready to get serious about me if you haven’t figured it out yourself.
Sexual compatibility is very important to me, but so is emotional and intellectual compatibility. There’s no point in making myself vulnerable (emotionally, physically) to someone if I can’t tell whether or not they reciprocate my feelings (or even if they want to), or whether they plan to stick around after it’s done. I have a very high sex drive, it just doesn’t over-ride my emotional intimacy drive. Or my pragmatism.
I don’t have a timeline in mind. Usually kissing happens by the second date. Making out comes along at some point after that, and there’s a general progression of learning more about each other and getting more intimately involved. In the past, that progression got to sex around the end of the second month, although the most recent one took longer (not my doing though I did my best to respect his space, and he never did explain why).