In a thread of mine I’m too lazy to seearch for, much less link too, someone opined that six months is too long to wait for sex in a dating relationship. I tend to disagree, but I’m strange.
So I ask you: how long is too long to wait for the first two-backed-beast making? Do you make any allowances for a person’s special circumstances?
No poll. I’d have to do all the options for gay and straight and bi and male and female and transsexual and frankly I can’t be bothered. You can mention that stuff if you want, but I for one don’t intend to insist.
If I had no further information, and assuming that we were seeing each other regularly (at least once a week), I’d find it really odd to wait 3 months. It’s just not my style. If the potential partner had a temporary medical condition preventing it, and I really liked him, I’d wait it out. If it was a long term medical condition preventing it, we’d need to have a talk about alternate forms of sexual connection and how we can both get our needs met within the constraints of his condition. If he had an emotional baggage, religious or moral reasons to wait, I’d probably decline and break it off, because that’s just too different from my process to make us compatible long term anyhow.
Honestly, it’s 2011. I never expect it on the first date - usually on the second. But if she still hasn’t put out by the third date I’m going to seriously doubt whether we’d ever be sexually compatible.
Seriously though, if both people are enjoying each other’s company and having fun dating or just hanging out together then that can go on as long as both parties are happy that way. Some of the most long lasting relationships don’t begin with official ‘dating’ but just spending time doing things.
When one of the people involved begins to wonder why they aren’t having sex and all of the doubts about the relationship that can involve, then you have waited too long.
If two adults are dating and attracted to each other there is simply no reason to wait for sex past 3-4 dates or a couple weeks. Anything longer simply screams of waiting for the sake of proving something, or punishing me for your past bad choices in men. If we’ve been dating a month and haven’t had sex i would assume something is obviously wrong or that she is simply not interested in me in that way and move on.
Different strokes for different folks, obviously. But I agree with several previous posters in that it shouldn’t take more than 2-4 “dates” max to figure out if you’re going to end up banging - you’ll probably be able to figure it out in the first 15 minutes half the time. If the answer is “no,” call it for what it is, say “let’s be friends,” move on. If the answer is “yes,” I see no point in delaying things.
The whole “I want to wait a really long time to make sure you really like me for who I am” bit has it’s place in high school, but by the time you’re in your 20’s it’s basically just like saying “I’ve dated a lot of assholes and I can’t judge character well enough to determine that you’re not another.”
I’d say anything past a month is asking too much. Now if you’ve found the person of your dreams and they wanted to wait six weeks, I could see making an exception. But beyond that, I think that amount of time is adequate to have a good relationship.
I’d say a couple of weeks, tops. Sexual compatibility to me is extremely important, and if we are not sexually compatible we will not be continuing an emotional relationship.
Supposing I were single again and I was NOT intending to wait until another marriage to get laid … 6 months would probably be the minimum amount of time I’d need to get to know a guy before getting into bed. This would effectively weed out about 98% of the available dating pool for me, I’m sure, but that’s ok. I’d be going for quality, anyway, not quantity. (If I wanted quantity, I’d skip the trouble of dating altogether and just troll on Craigslist.)
I realize sex is simply not that big of a deal to some people, but it is to me. For me, it’s not something to be done with just anyone I find attractive, just because I can. I had enough casual sex in my single days to know that I’m simply not cut out for it.
What’s wrong with that? If you’re a bad judge of character and you need a little more time than most to determine whether or not someone is a douchecanoe - why is admitting it and adjusting to it a bad thing? Sounds pretty smart to me.
Supposing I were single again and I was NOT intending to wait until another marriage to get laid … 6 months would probably be the minimum amount of time I’d need to get to know a guy before getting into bed. This would effectively weed out about 98% of the available dating pool for me, I’m sure, but that’s ok. I’d be going for quality, anyway, not quantity. (If I wanted quantity, I’d skip the trouble of dating altogether and just troll on Craigslist.)
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What makes you think that the remaining 2% is quality? Could just be the losers who have no other options or guys that have a very low sex drive. I am bailing on anyone who sets an arbitrary time limit. Makes me think they have issues. I’m 43. No time for games.
Haven’t you heard? That’s “baggage” and there is a quota of zero checked bags and only one small carry-on purse ;). Or at least that’s the vibe I get from other on-topic threads.
Loach’s first post has the best answer so far: no fixed time limit, up to whether the two persons’ comfort zones match.
And if the one person’s in too much of a hurry for the other, it’s actually better for the more patient if the more eager moves on along. People don’t need to feel under pressure for such a personal decision.
Funny thing is this has been on my mind. I’m in the middle of wondering the same thing with someone. I have had one date and many phone calls. Anticipating what might happen in the next couple of dates. Kind of unchartered water for me because most of those I have dated before I knew in one way or another before we dated and/or had sex.
Six months of dating seems like a crazy long time. I generally think things should start getting physical by the third or fourth date; if they weren’t I would start worrying a bit. Every situation and person is a bit different, but that’s my general feeling. I do prefer to err on the side of waiting longer than getting in the sack on the first or second date, but by about a month or six weeks, if something heavier than kissing ain’t happening and we’re steadily dating, it’s going to make me think a bit.
I suspect the answers here are very different for people who are dating vs those of us who are in committed relationships and thinking in the theoretical. I’ve been sleeping with the same man for over a decade. Whatever may have been true for a young version of me many years ago, for the person I am now, sex is something you do with someone you know well. The idea of getting naked in front of someone I’d spent only a few hours with is simply . . .bizarre. That’s not a judgmental statement. Intellectually, I don’t have any problem with sex and I can totally understand that everything looks different when you are otherwise celibate. But emotionally . . .oh vey. I am officially an old married woman. I can’t even imagine jumping into bed with someone I didn’t know well. It just sounds . . . awkward. But again, intellectually I totally understand that my view would be very different if I were actually single.
