This question came to me as I was reading threads on here about how important sex is in a relationship, dating double standards, various discussions with friends, etc. How long would you date someone you really liked before you’d expect sex to happen? At what point would the lack of sex be a problem? Would you date someone with whom you were happy and compatible in every way if they told you they wouldn’t/couldn’t have sex with you for the first 3 months of the relationship? 6 months? Would it make a difference either way if the obstacle to sex were a medical reason that would be resolved eventually? Or is dealing with that BS something you’d only put up with if you were already involved with the person?
Also, please tell me if you’re a man or a woman, and which gender you date. Thanks. This should be quite enlightening.
I think it is kind of unreasonable to set some sort of ‘standard’ when it comes to sex. Everybody has different comfort levels. I’ve known women that will jump a guy’s bones an hour after she meets him, while others wont even let a guy touch her for months on end. So it really varies according to both people’s own sex drive/comfort level.
What Incubus said. I’m sure the correct answer is in the manual somewhere, but I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. Anywhere from first date to five years, or so in my case.
“Would you date someone with whom you were happy and compatible in every way if they told you they wouldn’t/couldn’t have sex with you for the first 3 months of the relationship? Six months?”
I don’t think I’d be compatible with someone who laid down an arbitrary time limit before which she’d be unwilling to have sex. People are different, couples are different, relationships are different. If things just took that long before the time was right, OK. But to set an arbitrary time limit wouldn’t fly with me. “Would it make a difference either way if the obstacle to sex were a medical reason that would be resolved eventually?”
Yes, that would make a huge difference. I’d wait, if it looked like the relationship had promise.
I am a heterosexual female so if a man told me he didn’t want to have sex right away I would have to assume he was waiting for a rash to clear up. In which case I guess I would be wise to wait!
I don’t know that I’m at all comfortable with the idea of having some schedule for a relationship. I much prefer for them to be organic entities that evolve at their own pace. For some relationships, it might be a matter of weeks. For others it might be a matter of years. It just depends on the overall gestalt of that particular relationship.
I thought about this recently when an ex-coworker came in and I overheard her telling another coworker about her upcoming wedding to the guy she’d been dating for five years. Ex was saying how her teenagers from a previous marriage were against it and she didn’t feel she had to give them reasons, particularly since one reason was that she wanted to have sex.
I thought: Five years? And they haven’t had sex yet?
And then I thought: Marry someone you haven’t had sex with?
I mean, we are not talking about a virgin here, she’s been married before, obviously.
Well, none of my business, but I think, if it’s going to be that kind of relationship, the sex better happen within two years. I guess I just assumed they’d been having it off for most of the time they’d been dating (although I do see how this kind of thing could be hard to arrange, with teenage children around. Still…)
But, oddly, I think up to two years would have been okay. I’ll bet most people will say much sooner.
Well I was gonna say no, it’ll probably turn into a flirt thread. I see it already has.
I think everyone has a different check-list of requirements for dating, that’s why it’s so damned stressful. Some people put sex high on their list, other’s don’t.
… let’s see, this is the second date, we’ve been together for over 3 hours, no sex yet, BEEEEEEEP, time’s up, better dump this loser …
… or, hey we have fun together, the time and place for sex hasn’t really been appropriate yet, but I like this person, even if we never have sex I hope we can still be friends …
I wasn’t so much indicating that people would have a schedule, more wondering if people had some need to have sex in a relationship at the beginning. In high school, I’d date people for 6 months, 9 months, and there was no sex. But now, it seems like people have sex very close to the onset of the relationship and I was wondering if there was some expectation. I guess it was more like musing on whether people could still just “date” for a while before sleeping together, anymore. Maybe it’s just the people I hang out with, though.
I expect to be having sex in an ongoing relationship, and the idea of waiting months, let alone years, seems weird to me. That said, I don’t have a specific time frame (number of dates, number of weeks) in mind for when it happens, and would be a bit nonplussed if the guy did.
And, yes, obviously, if there were a medical reason for waiting, I’d wait.
Something a girl told me once might answer a bit your OP… we were just making out… not BF/GF. I knew she had recently given up on this guy she had been dating three weeks… her sister (my friend) had described the guy as quite interesting. I candidly asked her how come I was in bed with her in 1 week and that guy in 3 weeks got nothing. She said she felt more comfortable and excited with me… that he somehow was fun… but no sexually “right”.
I guess most people will want some level of comfort or excitement before having sex. Some people touch the right buttons… others don’t. Also if you’ve left another relatioship recently its very probable one might be more cautious.
I’ve had relationships that went extremely fast into sex… and things worked quite well. Brazilian men have this stupid notion that “quick” women are sluts or whatever. Hate that. Its quite common to see women crazy to start the sex part… but holding back… I even once told a female friend that she should hold back another week because she wasn’t too sure if the guy really liked her… :eek:
Like I said in my other thread… the sex is nice but can be delayed… but without cuddling, kissing and touching I can’t see how a relationship can work for too long.
I agree that people seem to be jumping into each other’s pants pretty quickly these days. It’s making it difficult for me to try getting back into dating, actually, because that pressure is there and I’m not like that. Sadly, a few guys decided not to call me back after a date or two after I made it clear that I wasn’t going home with them just yet. Maybe it’s just me, but I need a while to get comfortable with someone before I’ll hang my ankles over their ears in the backseat of a Chevy.
Most of my friends are of the mentality that it’s best to test out the chemistry early in the relationship. For them, often, “this new guy I’m seeing” actually means “this new guy I’m sleeping with while I find out if he has potential”. I don’t respect them any less for it, but that’s just not the way I operate. Apparently we’re a dying breed, Rubystreak!
Antigen, I am in a similar position to yours. I was in a very long relationship that broke up a couple of years ago, and after being out of the dating pool for like, 5 years, I have no idea what the expectations are anymore. When I was in my 20s, sex was pretty preliminary. Now, I just don’t know how I feel about it. I’m in my 30s now, and not feeling very casual about sex and love. I also have to admit that I’m pretty scared, when I really think about it, to get into that again. I had some sort of emotional armor when I was younger that I lack now, it seems. That makes me think it’s a good idea to wait on it, especially since my antidepressants obviate that insanely killer sex drive that I had a year ago before the meds. I can wait, so I should, is my feeling. Was wondering how that would go over with the average dating man these days. Is it foolish to think a man could wait a few months before getting any, especially when you’re making out, sleeping next to each other, etc? Because I will admit that I have this irrational fear of being a tease; I know some people withhold sex to gain power in a relationship, which is never my intention.
Oh, being a single woman in her 30s is such fun! :dubious:
As mentioned, it varies widely. IMO, sure it is possible to date for a prolonged period w/o carnal consummation, if both of us feel happy with the rate at which things are going. I can be happy with a slower or quicker climb in the level of expression of affection, as long as the feeling be mutual. However, someone who had a position that if by X time or after Y dates we MUST have got to point Z or they walk, well, I guess she’ll walk, what can I say.
And certainly I can accept and respect people who will hold out until marriage; Hilarity’s coworkers would not have shocked or puzzled me the least bit.
(Of course, in my society I am something of an anomalous male in that I usually will not be all in a big hurry to “kick it up another notch”, which is often misconstrued as a lack of interest.)
By Rubystreak :"* Is it foolish to think a man could wait a few months before getting any, especially **when you’re making out, sleeping next to each other, etc? ***" (bolding mine)
Now hold on here! When you asked about waiting, you didn’t say anything about sharing a bed while the wait was on. In my case, the wait would be over when you invited me to sleep with you. If there’s some medical problem, other actions can be taken.
