In my experience – first serious relationship, two months. Current serious relationship, about a month and a half, but I’d known him a bit for a couple of months before we started dating.
I don’t have an absolute timeframe, but if there had been a medical reason to wait with either of them, fine. If there’d been some other reason, it’d have depended on precisely what and why, but it might have been all right. If I’d run into somebody who had the three date rule, forget it, no more dates.
I never dated, in that American " I’m having dinner with someone I met in a bar, I’ll call him if I like him" kind of way. All the people I have had relationships with have been friends, or friends of friends. I would never have a relationship with someone I didn’t know as a friend or a friend of someone I know and trust. Because of that, getting physical with them was probably the first sign that the relationship was going onto a different level.
Setting some arbitrary rules and regs doesn’t help, doing what feels right at the time works best.
If you’re comfortable and they’re comfortable, who cares if it’s the first date or the first anniversary?
The longest I’ve ever waited to have sex was one month, but that was mostly due to logistics issues (he worked nights). Whether I’d be willing to wait longer would depend on the reason I was waiting: if the guy is into it but just wants to get to know me better first (or isn’t ready to agree to be monogomous yet), I can wait. I can’t imagine imposing any kind of deadline, but after a month or two I would definitely be getting antsy unless I knew the “problem” was temporary and/or being worked on.
Some of this is speculation: I’ve not yet had a relationship where the guy wanted to wait longer for sex than I did. Thank og.
With the exception of deliberate one-night-stands I wouldn’t sleep with a guy on the first/second date, but if we get to a third/fourth date and the chemistry is right I see no reason to wait. I always make it clear, though, that for me sex = monogomy. If we start sleeping together but the relationship isn’t serious he can date other women, but I don’t want him to be sleeping with anyone else. Some people don’t make that distinction, but I do.
Like others have said, there is a difference between “can’t” and “won’t,” and arbitrary deadlines turn me off.
Now YOU hold on… you mean you couldn’t sleep in bed and snuggle someone without screwing them? Especially if it was clear that no sex was going to happen, and you agreed to stay over anyway? I mean, let’s assume the people involved are communicating with each other and the terms of the overnight were discussed in advance. Under those circumstances, you wouldn’t sleep over and be close with someone unless sex were a given? I would think that building up an intimacy through such events would naturally lead to sex, and everyone would feel good about it. But this is exactly the kind of info I wanted-- men who get into a horizontal position with a woman for any reason think that mean sex. As I suspected…
Some people feel that they want to wait until marriage, regardless of whether they have been married before. Perhaps your co-worker didn’t want to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage. It’s not virginity that is the issue for such people.
Err, sorry to interrupt, but I don’t think that I could sleep in bed and snuggle someone without screwing him. Or at least trying to. I don’t think I would ever agree to the circumstances you propose: if I’m spending the night with someone I’m dating but he doesn’t want to have sex, I’ll be on the couch. I just don’t have that kind of willpower around someone I’m attracted to, especially as hands tend to wander while “snuggling.”
That said, of course there are special circumstances: if my man is sick or upset and just needs to be comforted, I’m certainly capable of holding him through the night without messing around, if that’s what he wants/needs. But it sounds like you’re talking about regularly sleeping/snuggling with someone without having sex, and that’s what I don’t think I could do.
I don’t think it’s really fair for you to say that “men who get into a horizontal position with a woman for any reason think that mean sex” before you give any of them a chance to reply to your proposed scenario (or say that they simply wouldn’t agree to it, like me).
Well if you made it clear that you don’t want sex yet… but you’re fine sleeping beside him… I’d say its ok. Never slept beside a girl like that… Just don’t let a man wait longer than a month or two…
Hey, **Rubystreak, **I’m a straight male. I’ve had sex on the first date in some cases, after a couple dates in others, and, believe it or not, never in one relationship because of her religious convictions (but we did pretty much everything but). It all came down to the individual, what I felt about her, what she felt about me, and what we both felt about the situation. Factors like individual choice, religion, and ethnic identity all come into play, I suspect, so I don’t know that there’s an easy generalization to make about people. I can say, though, that while I absolutely enjoy sex, it doesn’t have to be the defining purpose of a date or relationship. And, the older I get, the more I want to be attracted to a woman for reasons other than the promise or likelihood of sex. After a while, the act for the sake of the act gets pretty unsatisfying.
Misnomer covered a lot of what I would have said. Look, I know myself. If someone makes it clear that sex is a total NO-NO for now, I’m NOT going to agree to stay over and sleep in her bed with her. That’s too much torture. I’d rather get a room and see her tomorrow.
If she wants to snuggle on the couch for an evening and watch TV, cool. That’s a totally different scene.
I’d wait as long as it takes. If i really cared about her, sex wouldn’t mean anything, being with her and going at her pace is what I’d do(and have done). If she’s worth waiting for, then wait. I’m not 20 anymore, and thinking of only of that, I’m older and realize there’s other things that are just as enjoyable. that all being said, yes, I like sex, actually love it! But I’d rather be with someone i care about for a long time than forcing something when I’m/she’s not ready.
I’m a female, dating a male and agree completely. I started sleeping with my current S.O. a couple weeks into our relationship (we knew each other for a year and a half prior to dating though, so it’s not like we’d just met). I think how long people wait depends on so many factors no standard can really be given. Any longer than a month though, and I think I’d be getting a little antsy.
I’ve tried on a number of occasions to just sleep in bed with my S.O. to no avail. We always end up having sex. We’ve just got a lot of chemistry and I’m very attracted to him. If we’re both physically capable and I’m laying right next to him, not having sex would be like torture. I’d just as soon not have him spend the night if we were both feeling healthy and happy but for some reason, couldn’t have sex.
So in your estimation, month or two is the max acceptable wait time for sex to begin? Would you dump a girl you really liked if she didn’t put out after 2 months? Would you ask her when she was going to put out? How would you broach the subject? What response besides jumping your bones would be acceptable? Inquiring minds want to know.
In my best relationships, we’ve felt a strong connection right off the bat and ended up having sex rather quickly (first or second date). That’s not to say that I would have to have sex within a certain number of dates. At this point in my life (31), I’d rather wait to have sex until I felt that connection than have sex without it. But at the same time, if I dated someone for over a month and we still hadn’t had sex, I’d assume that meant we either weren’t connecting or didn’t have the same attitudes toward sex and break it off.
Of course,this is all moot as I’m married to an amazing woman.
I’m a straight woman.
Since I started having adult relationships, as opposed to the nervous giggly types that I started off with, I don’t really see the point in not having sex if you’re both attracted to each other. Whenever it happens depends on when the right moment arrives but I’d find it very weird to be dating a guy for over a month without sleeping with them.
However, if there was a medical reason and I liked the guy, then of course I’d wait.
I've never been in this situation... the closest I've been to this situation was after a GF had an operation and wouldn't be able to have sex for close to 2 months. I just accepted it. Closed off my horny brain department... and we still had fun, etc... Naturally close to the deadline we were getting itchy and desperate... but fine.
But assuming I were in this situation… it would depend a lot on the reasons why. In my mind if you’re with someone you love/like/trust/want to be together… then you naturally want to have sex and cuddling with them. If your not having sex and you have the pre-requisites… then I have to assume she doesn’t love/like/trust me. Of course it can be something else… shyness, etc… but after 1-2 months I would have figured which it was. (this may vary if you have infrequent dates… or don’t have much contact during the week for example… a very intense week is worth more than a slow month.)
There are other ways of breaking the ice too… from blowjobs to heavy petting. No one has to have sex in X time… but if she is very excited… all “wet”… and still denying sex for no apparent health or pre-warned religious reason (if she is from some sort of wacko religious group she should have been open about it…), I’d not only feel very frustrated… but also used. Would you still hang around someone who doesn’t love/like/trust you ? Then they must be using you IMO.
Now back to your question about how to broach the subject. I’m not a “talking to solve things” … but if I clearly feel that the attraction part is working… she is getting terribly excited and all… (just make sure your not the culprit first… maybe your a lousy BF or a bad lover ?) then I would feel “right” about asking it outright… "Don’t you feel excited ? “Do you want sex ?” “Why don’t you trust me” ? “How can I help change this?” Ask about it gently… maybe she has some horrible rape story in her past… or a lousy ex-boyfriend.
I think sex is a very important ingredient in a healthy person's life and is 100% natural... if someone is not having sex AND they have a SO they are comfortable with... then they either aren't feeling real attraction... or they have serious issues with health or with their SO. Its one thing to play "hard to get" or to warm up slowly... its another to not communicate or trust.
Straight single guy, 34. I can’t speak for other guys, but I’m in a similar sort of frame of mind to you and have similar feelings. And, yes, I could sleep next to a girl, make out and not have sex for months. I know because I’ve done it (willingly). It was no problem. This may make me a freak, but I don’t care. I also have a fear of being dumped for failing to deliver soon enough and I have in fact been dumped supposedly for other reasons when failure to put out may have been the unofficial one. My expectation, which may not accord with reality, is that most people (male or female) are expecting sex within weeks if not days of the start of a relationship, which is pretty much always sooner than I’m usually ready for it. So… I hear you, sister.
Female, 20, straight and semi-freshly single, only had the sex once with my then-boyfriend (we’d been together for a year).
At this point, I don’t think I want to have sex unless it’s someone I’ve known for many months… or at least long enough to know that he’s not a liar. Sex is actually pretty scary to me, or maybe it’s just the fact that I can be a bit of a hypochondriac. But like I’ve said a couple times before… in one ear, you hear, “wear a condom and it’ll be fine,” while in the other you’re getting, “even if you use a condom, you’ll still get AIDS.”
I don’t know, my opinion right this second (and it does change fairly frequently) is that I want to first have a relationship, /then/ have the sex, if only for health reasons. Something tells me I won’t be having a boyfriend again any time soon 'cause of this.
Do remember that many of the posts here are people much older than yourself… so they have overcome certain barriers related to sex. Men your age might be just as “uptight” as you are… I once was myself. Once you feel confident be honest about it with the guy your dating… he might be just like you.
If I were you I would certainly do something about feeling “dirty” or “hypocondriac” about sex. Naturally diseases are a concern… but precaution can take care of most. After 3 months dating and supposedly having been faithful both you and your BF can get AIDs tests… and still use condoms. If you worry too much you’ll just make it worse… AIDs is relatively rare and your behaviour seems very low risk.
You mentioned that men can be “liars” and so forth… and that is understandable… but at some point you must stop thinking what the Guy wants… and what you want. Will you deny yourself good and loving sex because maybe the guy isn’t as commited as you are ? Things take time and evolve naturally into a more solid relationship. Sex can help that process… not necessarily its the “end” objective.
