Suppose you break off discussions of some serious topics (breaking up is a potential consequence of these discussions) with a boyfriend/girlfriend because their parent dies and you want to help and support them through that time. How long is a reasonable amount of time to wait before resuming them? Obviously, there is no right answer for everyone, but are there lengths of time that strike you as much too soon, should be sufficient for most, etc?
I would say it depends on how bad you think they would take it - and how close you were - and how good they were to you. If you think they can handle it - I would say 2 weeks is the minimum I’d wait. I think most people would think 6 weeks was more than enough time.
I am just guessing here and really have nothing other than my own feelings to go on.
First, do you want to have a rational conversation and really hopefully solve this issue, or do you just want out? (That’s a sincere question. There’s a time and place for both). Because it’s not just about “supporting” her. It’s about the fact that when a person’s whole life is turned upside down, they don’t makes the choices or have the perspective they would otherwise have. If, god forbid, my mom died, and then, god forbid, my husband wanted to address issues that might or might not lead to us breaking up–I would completely panic at the thought of losing him too. I would not be able to have long, thoughtful, boring talks about our relationship, I would just panic panic panic.
So it’s not just about what’s supportive, it’s about how effective it’s likely to be, and you need to know if you are really hoping to fix this–and how much time you are ready to put into that hope–or if you just want to start the doomsday clock.
Also, I think you have to take the nature of the relationship into account: “boyfriend/girlfriend” covers so much territory.
If two people are fairly seriously dating, but not all entangled into each others lives–don’t live together, still spend Christmas morning with their own families, have finances and personal possessions still totally separate, I dunno, two or three months?
But if two people are living together, own property together, have all their stuff mingled–if it would basically be a divorce to break up–then I would say six months at least before there’s any hope of a reasoned conversation. To have that kind of relationship fall apart is much, much harder, and for someone who has just lost a parent, having that threatened would be terrible.
I would like to have a rationale conversation about things, but am not overly optimistic about finding a solution that we would both be happy with. We don’t live together; it has always been a distance relationship where we traveled several hours to see the other. The distance was annoying, but we still did it; then it was nearly unbearable but we still did; solutions have come and gone, and we are still doing it, with no end in sight. Other issues have now compounded distance, with the result being we rarely see each other. There has been reluctance to talk about it on her part. I stopped pushing for a conversation on this when her father fell sick, about 3 months ago. He died two months ago.
Having just gone through this (the death of parents) I can tell you there is no amount of time. It’s not just a matter of grieving, but the matter of all the additional work that follows. Making arrangements for services, Getting the will to an attorney to get the necessary power or attorney documents. Getting enough death certificates. Settling the estate debts, making arrangements to sell the home, cars, stocks and finding all the little deposits and policies they had. Plus, trying to determine what has value and what doesn’t. Preparing information for the tax people. Not to mention all the worthless people who come out of the woodwork asking “What are you giving away?” It’s been 7 weeks for me and the headache is still a daily thing. And I have 2 daughters helping me with all this.
My advice, just be there, and be attentive to the ordeal your SO is going through. Otherwise, you’ll add another pressure to an already stressed person. You’ll know when the time is right.
^. That sounds very rough; sorry you’re going through that. In this case, that part at least is not so much of an issue – she is from a traditional Indian family and is the youngest daughter. Her older brothers are handling all of that.
There’s no way to put a definite timeline on this. When my mother died, I stayed depressed for about 9 months (there was other stuff going on, too) and wouldn’t have been in the best shape to make life-changing decisions.
On the other hand, I snapped back much more quickly when my father died, even though I had to handle closing his estate.
Yeah, I realize it’s impossible to put on a number on when someone will be feeling better.
I’m more looking for something like, “Even if she appears to be back to normal, if you don’t wait _________ amount of time, you’re an insensitive jerk.”
My instinct (which is not based on any real-world experience for me) is that you’ve already crossed that threshold. That is not to say that in this specific situation, it’s automatically the right time to have the discussion now. But two months seems like you’ve gone beyond a range where a rational person would say that you’re being insensitive purely based on the amount of time that has passed.
My ex gave me one month after my mother’s death before pressing me to sign the divorce papers he had drawn up. YMMV.
I take it this is an example of what not to do.
You would be exactly right.