I did this when I was about 15 (only didn’t rip the screen and didn’t get caught)
My recommondations (as a parent of a 17 year old, if I let him live longer…):
“darling daughter” we love you dearly and it would be devestating if anything happened to you. I know that you thought you were completely safe, but think of these things:
we could have discovered you missing and called the police to report you being kidnapped.
some one could have broken into our house because you left access available.
If something had happened (to grandma etc.) we wouldn’t have been able to find you, and that would have been yet another thing to deal with.
If there’d been a fire, and you weren’t where we agreed to meet in that case, I’d have gone back into the house to look for you.
These are all possabilities (may be not probabiltities, but definately could happen). For every action there’s consequences. When you do well in school, you get rewarded. This sort of action gets a negative consequence.
She should pay for the repair of the screen.
Other punishments: a. loss of phone priveleges for short period of time - generally speaking a couple of days is sufficient to bring the point home - much more than that and the focus is on how mean you are vs. what they did to warrant it.
b. Grounding - again a shorter period of time has a bigger effect often two weekends (and especially since school is ending - if she has to miss the first ‘out of school parties’ because of this…
I also like to have a ‘written exercise’. Ask her to write how she would feel if she weren’t able to get in touch with you or your wife for a period of time.
Don’t send her to a private school as a punishment. If you’re going to send her to a private school, do it because you want her to go there. Not as punishment.
[li]Make her pay for the ripped screen.[/li][li]Ground her for a month, and if “John” is ever near the house again, it’s doubled.[/li][li]Since she likes being up at 3 A.M. so much, make it a nightly ritual for the next few weeks. Wake her up every day at 3 A.M. and make her go outside. Make her dance around and sing Army cadences while you spray her with a garden hose. Like that scene from An Officer and a Gentleman.[/li][/ul]
And to think, Mrs. Rastahomie is eager to have a baby. hee hee hee…
I’m a caretaker for my two preteen sisters. (I’m big on good parenting.)
Definetly go for the shorter grounding, enough to make a point but not so long they forget what they’re in for. You want to add a calm reasoned discussion on why you are so ticked off.
I was notorious for breaking curfew until my mom sat me down and said “It’s not a control measure or a leash, its a time when I know you are dead in a ditch and I should call the police.” When I understood it was a saftey measure that I apporved of I got much better. Madates from on high are ignorable, reasoned discussions that are logical you learn from and behave accordingly. Fight ignorance!
Brainstorm for solutions that are acceptable for every one involved. I never snuck out because I know my mom is a reasonable and smart person. If I couldn’t get her permission to go someplace it probably wasn’t a good idea to go anyway. She was very good about letting me go to places that I had made safe. (I could go to a party at James’s house where we knew the parents were home and had a phone number and a reasonable curfew. I couldn’t go clubbing half the state away until the driver of the hour decided to bring me home.)
The basics: Parents need to know where you are and when you’ll be back/check in. At 14 I’d add meeting who you are with and parents of the most common accomplices. Preferably have a place to hang out where you can be dropped off and picked up again. If every one is being reasonable, there are no reasons to lie or sneak around. (Much more fun to say “Bye Daddy! I’m off to Josh’s party! Remember to pick me up at 11:30!” then have to figure out a way in and out of the house in clothes you’d rather not get dirty.)
Have a talk, get some ground rules, listen to her side of it (that is very important) Hear what she is saying and respect her view. (You are still the parent, you still can veto the rave at the out of town hotel, but at least listen to how she would try to make it safe and why she wants to go.)
Oh, and are you sure you want to use school as a punishment? Is that really the attitude you want your children to have toward education? (“I like being dumb, cuz the only time I learned anything was when I did something wrong.”)
Very good suggestions I especially like the “what ifs” you used wring.
The reason I brought up the school is for this reason. She is going to be a freshman in High School next year. And I for one really don’t trust the public school system that much. And it is not all there fault lawyers and liberal parents have taken a way the ability for teachers to spank the bad ones. So you are sending your kids with bad kids they fear nothing.
But the school we were looking at sending her to didn’t have a drama department and she is really good at drama. So she begged me to let her go to high school.
I said ok but I want a change in your attitude, dress no more half shirt or anything or your going to private school. This was just two weeks ago and then wham this happens.
She called me at work a while a go and apologized. So I am going to think about that one a while. I was just really mad at the time ya know.
What I meant to say is that I will maybe let up on the private school thing. The ground stays at a month. For two reasons one it will really sink in not to do this again because next time it will be 2 months.
I love it when she is grounded. I know I am terrible but when the phone rings I get to say she is grounded and hang up on them when the 20 kids or so call every 20minutes, instead of, trying to hunt her down. I don’t have to take her everywhere one or two times a day. I don’t have to listen to her begging to go here begging to go there and then give her money on top of that. And the best of all I get to see and spend more time with her. I’m bad but I love it when she is grounded.
the ‘what ifs’ I used, came from similar discussion with my son, and frankly, several months later, he still refers to it, and understands (especially the 'if something had happened to your dear, beloved elderly grandpa and we didn’t know where/how to get in touch with you…)
The gounding thing - consider that since she’ll be out of school it’s more severe perhaps than other times - how about this as a comprimise (does she owe me or what)
Grounded for say, 2 weeks past school end. During that time, instead of getting to sleep in, she’ll get up at the regular time and have assignments either around the house or ‘community service’ (ie have her do cleaning for an elderly neighbor something like that?)
and call it ‘community service’, that by cavorting around at night, she actually ‘costs’ the community because of policing costs etc.
(I’m big on a multiple level of ‘consequences’)
(thought of another ‘what if’ - what if as she’s crawling in/out of the window a neighbor had seen her - she could have been arrested ! :eek: )
This reminded of an incident my mom told me about. Seems that when she was a teenager (this would have been late 1950s) she sneaked out of the house late one night with her sister and some friends. When they returned, they found that their beds had been made.
I don’t know what punishment Grandma administered in the morning, but I’m sure the apprehension factor was part of it.
WB, I think you should read wring’s post about 5 times - its the best parenting advice I’ve seen in a long time. No punishment is effective unless the punishee fully comprehends the reasons for it. And the reasons for you grounding your daughter aren’t that she broke the window, or disobeyed you - they are the reasons wring described. Make SURE she understands that.
Lots of us have been there. Convent school, convent school, convent school.
Seriously, the best thing to do, if you can, is to go with a fairly mild sanction (and a one month grounding strikes me as fairly mild) and impress on the young lady that the most precious thing she has is your trust. Just as soon as you quit trusting her, her life is going to become very difficult and maybe not all that pleasant. Convent school.
The problem, of course, is that if your daughter is grounded, somebody has to police the arrangement. That means that grounding punishes you as much, if not more, than it punishes her. Convent school. My now adult and self supporting daughters never believed I would do it either.
Again, let me reiterate that I don’t think she should be sent to a private school as punishment; I think she should be sent to a private school because of the reasons you stated. If she’s sent there as punishment she’ll just go in with a bad attitude and it will all be self-defeating.
How big of a city do you live in? They might have a local drama club for teens that isn’t connected to any school; kind-of a club for home-schooled kids or kids from private schools that don’t offer it. Ask around, it can’t hurt.
~Rastahomie, who intends to send his kids to private schools even if they don’t mis-behave.