How many relationships are like this?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Inspired by this thread.

QuickSilver:
Well, my long term relationship = lots of appologizing by me and not much forgiving by her. I was trying to make peace even when I knew I was fully in the right.

AngelicGemma:
He apologises, even when it’s my fault.

Bricker:
I broke up with a relatively serious girlfriend for precisely that reason… she NEEDED to fight. I’d stay calm, try to work though the issue at hand; she’d get even more furious. She couldn’t stand it. And so, naturally, she’d rachet up the hysterics.

Geobabe:
My husband pisses me off sometimes, but it’s rarely anything worth fighting over. I say something to him, he apologizes, the matter is resolved. I understand that he didn’t mean to piss me off, so once I’ve made him aware of it, that’s usually enough.

serious lark:
My husband’s parents (as I understand it) had a relationship where his dad would essentially do anything to placate his mom, and taught my husband to “just take it” when his mom went squirrely and/or ridiculously demanding.

Fuji Kitakyusho:
Rule #1: When you screw up, apologize.
Rule #2: When she screws up, apologize
It seems that in a lot of relationships, the woman gets upset easily, and the man simply apologizes, even if he thinks he is right, just to keep the peace.

I’m curious as to how common these types of relationships are.

Are they as common as the opposite scenario? (i.e. man gets upset easily and woman has to always apologize and placate)

Are they more common/less common?

What have been your experiences, both in relationships you have been in and in the relationships of your friends?

2

I have been in past relationships similar to the one described by Bricker.

I’m very familiar with a relationship (relatives) where, as you describe it, “the man simply apologizes, even if he thinks he is right, just to keep the peace.”

Note: I don’t think the realtionship described by Bricker fits with your other examples. Staying calm and discussing the issue is not the same as apologizing even when you think you’re right.

Note2: IMO, the ability to calmly/logically discuss issues (without loud arguing/fighting) does not guarantee that those issues will be resolved. I’ve been in one long term relationship (with another lawyer) where we discussed issues at length. Most of the time, we were able to do so in a rational way. Didn’t mean the problems under discussion got solved.

3

Mrs. Mercotan and myself: We both assume that the other is a competent, fully functioning adult who has the best interests of the relationship, the family, and of each other in mind, no matter what we’re doing. I expect she had a rational reason for doing whatever she did, and she extends me the same courtesy, so we don’t fight much, and don’t have to apologize too much. I don’t think we apologize just to “keep the peace”. We also tend to keep our mouths shut in the first place, rather than have to eat our words later.

Of course, we’ve been practicing this together for over 30 years now, and we’re pretty good at it. But it took work.

Friends: One couple we know has a guy who tends to apologize to keep the peace. Another couple has the female member doing the same thing.

People are the problem, it would seem. But then they’re the solution too, aren’t they? :smiley:

4

I really didn’t make it at all clear in my post in that thread that he’s not always the one apologizing. I piss him off sometimes too, and it works exactly the same in reverse. It’s just the nature of human relationships that sometimes you’re going to do something that aggravates the other person, usually without meaning to, and we keep the air clear by mentioning it rather than keeping it bottled up. This is part of the reason we don’t fight very much, because we deal with the little stuff when it crops up, and neither of us is keeping score.

5

It is the opposite way in my parents’ “relationship”: dad’s the overdemanding, needy, flying-off-the-handle one, mom’s the placating mediator who gives in just so he won’t make any waves. It’s no healthier than the reversed situation, and I think it’s just as common. It’s just not fashionable for women to be doormats now, so they don’t admit it.

6

Ok.

We have both apologized to keep the peace, at times. This is part of growing up, and since we spent most of our 20’s together, we did a lot of growing up together.

Usually, one person is a little more temperamental. In our relationship, that’s me. Used to be I’d fly off the handle pretty quickly, but then I was always the one to apologize first, too. Quick to anger, quick to get over it.

Now we are both fairly even-tempered, with me still being a tiny bit more high-strung & aggressive than he is. I assume after another ten years have gone by we may even switch places! :slight_smile: