Facing an impending layoff in January, I was thinking that since there’s a plethora of fools out there, I might as well be the one to separate them from their money.
So I’ve gone to my 6’7", boney, black coworker and worked out a deal. He’ll play a Haitian voodoo witch doctor and I’ll play a skeptic scientist. We’ll put up some ads on Craigslist and maybe a website offering a service where we’ll exorcise ghost from your house. He’ll be all “There is evil lurking here.” and I’ll be like “No way. My EMP meter isn’t picking up anything.” We’ll throw in some marked-up incense, incantations, potions, seances, and do some spell-casting mumbo jumbo.
Then, poof! Your house is ghost-free (results not guaranteed)! That’ll be $xx, please.
There are 140 million births per year and 525,000 minutes per year, and if there’s a sucker born every minute, then that means 1/267 of the population are suckers. That’s, like, 2000 suckers within driving distance. If 1/100th of them pay me $100, then that’s $2,000 I can make from my services. Does that sound about right to you guys?
How else can I increase revenue? Do some palm readings or something?
You should be very careful throwing the word “witch doctor” around gratuitously. I don’t care if you think people are fools for their beliefs, but I think it’s fair to point out that the history of slandering Vodou specifically goes hand in hand with racism against blacks, as does the term “witch doctor,” as does the tendency to portray African-Americans as more susceptible to belief in the supernatural / more in tune with the spirit world.
Voodoo is a religion comparable to any other, a syncretic blend of Catholicism and African traditional religions. Its religious practitioners are usually known as “priests” and “priestesses” in English, or “houngan / mambo” (Kreyol, spelling variable). Black people are inherently neither more nor less prone to supernatural and religious beliefs than white people; it is all very much dependent on the cultural milieu. (Subcultures denied access to power / control / security do have that tendency, but again, it’s cultural, not inherent.)
Uh huh…I don’t follow. What’s any of that have to do with tricking people into giving me their money? I can’t exactly ask my milquetoast, short coworkers to play the role of “exotic religion practicioner”, now can I? I mean, jeez, Greg can’t act to save his life!
So are you saying I should bill him as a “voodoo priest” instead? Do you think that would sell better?
Sounds like it would be a blast, but it won’t work, because clever, fun, easy-seeming moneymaking schemes never do. Now, the decidedly unfun pyramid schemes can work, but only if you start one from scratch.
Maybe you could set up a ghostbuster training pyramid scheme. Sell a foolproof business plan to idiots that you claim will enable them to make a ton of dough by scamming other suckers into paying them to do imaginary spiritual house disinfections. Once they realize they’ve been had, sell them the training to set up their own ghostbuster training schools, and cut you in for a percentage.
As long as you can make suckers think that they will be able to defraud the general public, they will not figure out that you are screwing them until after you have all of their money. Can’t scam an honest man and all that.
(Pretending this is not destined for MPSIMS) I’m questioning the need for an “exotic religion practitioner” full stop. You’re at the research stage of your business plan, and you should know that your clientele will be mostly (a) ignorant of Vodou or (b) not. Group B will see through Greg in a heartbeat. There are more effective means of reaching Group A.
If your model relies on a Mulder-and-Scully setup, you’d do better to cast Greg or Milquetoast Mary as a Spiritualist, a Neopagan, or just someone into the New Age movement. Greg won’t need to fake an accent, and you two can switch roles when you get bored.
Greg’s the milquetoast Trekkie that can’t act. [Name withheld] is the towering, creepy-when-he-wants-to-be black guy. But I see your point. Perhaps group A would respond better to a woman using crystals?
Thing is, I can’t find anyone that does this and posts their prices online, so I don’t know what to charge. What do you think people would pay to get their house cleansed?
I believe this kind of job exists in Japan, or at least I could see it existing. Superstitions abound over here, although how much the average person believes in them I am sadly not so sure yet.
As for the States? Hmmm… you might eek out a living in some of the more woo-prone parts of the country. Otherwise, I’m not seein’ it.
I’m not sure the target customer for this kind business, ie. an idiot, is sophisticated enough to tell an actual exotic religious official from a guy in a funny hat who’s just winging it. It would be surprising if their view of the diversity of religious practices was more complex than “My church” vs. “All them funny foriegn churches”. Still not convinced it’s a money-maker, though.
I realize (or at least, I hope) that this is just something you typed up when you were bored. If you’re serious about it, realize that you’re asking us for advice on how best to con gullible people out of their money. I have moral problems with issuing advice under the circumstances.
Moral judgments aside, your time would be better spent job-searching.
I think you could make a killing, Chessie. Americans are *stoopid *for the supernatural, and the harder it is to prove, the easier it should be to sell; you just need a hook.
If you’re really up for it, and have convinced your conscience to take a powder, you could very easily don the trappings of a faith healer and set up shop pretty much anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line; there’s a butt-load of money in them thar hills, and a never-ending supply of the gullible ready to give their last penny for the promise of an afterlife-everlasting and a blessed end to their toils, and if you’re charismatic enough, there’s talk of willing virginhood, ripe for the picking.
Meh. Semi-serious. Make a living at it? No. Make $50 on a Saturday night? Well, I can think of worse ways to do that.
And it’s not a con. It’s merely leveraging the people’s beliefs, however ridiculous they may be, into paying me for a service. It’s no different than crystal healing, palm reading, psychic predictions, ghost tours, stage magic, or aura cleansing. It’s not like I’m taking their money and running. I would actually perform a service. I really would come to their house and do a little dance.
If there really are ghosts, who’s to say that my method won’t work? If they’re just imagining things, who’s to say I won’t put an end to their troubled thoughts?
Really, I don’t see the harm. Seriously. Do you think differently?
IME, you can only make money from things other people A) won’t do or B) can’t do. I figure this is A. People either think it’s too scary, too unconscionable, or they’re too lazy to try it.
Speaking as a professional spiritual advisor it’s gong to take more than just woo woo to make your business successful. First off you have to put in some serious research. You must study both scholarly historical texts on the subject and waded your way through pop culture’s interpretations. For example, you have to read Calumet, Crowley, and the latest teen vampire pulp to deal with the client who think their teenager daughter is in danger of being possessed because she read Stephanie Myer’s Twilight books. Most people that hire spiritual advisors are not as ignorant of the occult as in the past. Someone looking for a “Haitian voodoo doctor” to exorcise their house is going to have at least read Wiki’s entry on the subject, so you and your partner must have the basics down cold for when questions are asked. Pop open some basic psychology books and marketing texts and consider an acting class or two to polish improve skills.
