I think we paid around $3500. Wedding ceremony was at the city greenhouse (actually a nice venue here in Cleveland, and perfect if you want an “outdoor” wedding but it happens to rain). Wedding reception was at a local Chinese restaurant and was the most expensive component since it was a traditional 11 course banquet (my wife is Chinese). With the cash gifts, I think we about broke even.
That’s kind of how I feel about the gifts vs. money debate. I was 3 weeks short of 41 when we got married, so I had been living on my own for 2 decades and definitely had the basics. On one hand, there were definitely some household things we wanted to upgrade (much of our housewares were a motley collection of IKEA and hand-me-downs). On the other, we also wanted to save up a down payment for a condo. So we made a smallish registry, and if anyone asked what our preference was (one of my aunts did), we told them that we would also gladly accept contributions to our down payment fund. We got several unsolicited checks, including two very generous ones from the in-laws and Tom_Scud’s brother and sister-in-law that gave us a nice head start toward the down payment.
Honestly, conceptually either household gifts or cash are intended to help the couple start off their household, and I don’t have a problem with either one. And if people are going to give physical gifts, they might as well be something the couple is actually going to use, so registries are very pragmatic.
Yeah, same thing here, more-or-less. I was in my late 30s when we got married, and, well, we just didn’t need anything from a wedding registry. There was no point in us putting up a bunch of stuff only to return it. So we had no registry, and people could just feel free to come, but almost everyone knows the routine and brings an envelope. (I do believe we had a registry for our bridal shower, which was more-or-less insisted upon us; we weren’t particularly interested in having a shower.) To be clear, neither of us gave a damn about gifts – we could afford our wedding fine – but sure as heck my mom was “so, how much did so & so give you so I know how much to give them at their wedding, etc.” To which the answer was “I don’t know (I didn’t) and it’s none of your business.)”
Been through that too, and wouldn’t participate. I think cash gifts are fine because people don’t need extra toasters or towels. The amount of the cash gift should be at least $0, but less than that is rather classless.
That was sarcasm. Note the phrase ‘social media etiquette’. I’ve seen various gripes at spouses-to-be demands for cash gifts to cover their costs and complaints about being asked to, and I think the practice is horrific. Guests need never feel they have to pay a cover charge.
And that is exactly what to do.
And if you’re there as friends of their parents or their siblings and you don’t really know the bride and groom, you bring money so they can buy something they want, instead of something random you picked out.
Ours (in 85) was probably around $15k in today’s dollars (based on what we contributed to our kids for their recent weddings). Nothing crazy elaborate, but probably 150-200 guests w/ reception held at a golf club. Open bar and live band. My wife’s parents were getting divorced at the time, and MIL wanted my wife to have a wedding similar to the one they paid for for her sister the year prior. We were young and inexperienced, and didn’t think it through carefully enough.
It ended up being an enormous hassle for various reasons, and we greatly regretted allowing her mom to have so much input. We wish we had held a much smaller event in a VFW hall or something - but keeping the open bar and band! 
Lived together for a year, married in 80, still together. Best guess is low end of the “1000” range (probably 1500 or so). Ceremony in a small church, went to a motel 50 miles away for a 2 day honeymoon, then back to work for both of us.
Interesting. I grew up in a working class family and the standard is that you’d get housewarming type gifts and maybe some cash, and there are sometimes events at the reception where you’re supposed to give more cash. My husband’s Italian grandparents gave us a really nice set of dishes, crystal and silverware most of which we still have and use 20 years later. Hilariously all the cousins get the same thing with the same pattern even recently so we have joked about stealing each other’s dinnerware when one of them gets broken.
But the grandparents also gave us $17,000 in cash which was an oddly specific amount I presume from my husband’s trust. I assume all the grandkids get something like that when they get married. His grandparents have always insisted on 100% equal distribution among their 26 grandkids. We used it to pay off my debt and I basically got a clean slate financially. I really did change my habits after that.
Today’s weddings in this big Italian family, you usually pay for something on the registry and then contribute something for a specific honeymoon, I guess it’s like a honeymoon registry. I typically spend maybe $100-150 on these weddings and that’s what I can afford, but I rest assured knowing these kids are not going to have a struggle getting started if I don’t fork over a certain amount of dollars. I appreciate the registry especially in this case because I have no fucking idea what gifts to give rich people. At his uncle’s last wedding there was no registry and I think I got them jellybeans in a nice container. Like I’ve had to resort to some weird things. So give me a registry any day.
Yup. This far into the relationship I’m mostly over the culture shock but it took a long time to adjust, and once we moved closer and seeing them became regular rather than occasional, that required more adjustment as well. It helps that my husband is rather ambivalent about his extended family, and his Dad was kind of the odd independent one, so I’ve never been told to suck it up or anything. But there are a fair number of people who are decent and interesting and I’m glad their kids are growing up with mine. The drawbacks are real, but I’ve also found things to genuinely admire.
I have never been to a wedding where gifts were given. I’m only half Italian but the southern Italian tradition of la busta is prevalent. A bridal shower isn’t necessary or universal but that’s where you would get a physical gift. I’m getting married in a month. We are not starting out. I have all the kitchen gadgets and trinkets I need. If you want to give a gift there will be a box for the envelopes. I expect there to be zero items given beyond cash. That is all I have ever given at a wedding I’ve attended and I’ve never been out of place.
As to the original question, I have no idea what we paid back in 1999. Probably somewhere around $10,000. At the time my wife was very good at budgeting and cutting corners so our decent sized wedding wasn’t outrageously expensive. It wasn’t until latter she started spending money like a drunken sailor.
As for our upcoming wedding, I’ll let you know when it’s all done. There are some costs that I didn’t have before. Like I’m spending thousands for my daughters to stay at the hotel for the weekend. If we are including the cost of the rings then that’s already up around $15,000 for the three. It’s being held at a nice place on the ocean for about 80 people.
Congratulations!
Um… not to pry or anything, but how many people are getting married at this event?
My WAG:
Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Wedding ring
What year was this? That might have been the limit that was exempt from Federal gift tax in that year.
Yes in that I’m counting the engagement ring that has been on her finger for over a year.
Well it was $17k rounded down. It was a specific amount with odd dollars and cents. The note that came with it said they’d been saving it for him.
This is actually typical for them, I’m not sure how they get these amounts but we’ve gotten other checks with unusually specific amounts, and I think it comes down to a certain round number divided by 26 grandchildren. When I say they kept things equal, I mean to the penny.
$40. We got married at the courthouse.
We got married in a registry office during Covid with all of 4 guests, and held a barbecue for friends in our garden later (had to be outdoors), which we ended up delaying for a week because we all got suspicious colds. It was probably under £500 total; some friends who got married the same year spent more on just their flowers. Seemed pointless making a big fuss when we’d already been together for 15 years.
The night before our wedding at the courthouse, my wife broke a glass washing dishes and needed stitches. I had to take her to the ER in a snow storm, if you add the deductible for that visit, the whole thing probably cost $150.
Ny wedding probably cost less because it was in 1975. The cake was $80, the dress about the same. But the dress was nicer because the labor to make it was a gift. Then we paid a fee to the church, the organist and the minister, and these were modest. The invitations were printed at cost, band since the flowers were used for church the next days, the florist, who was a member of the congregation, sold them at cost. Punch, nuts, and mints, no big dinner. We had a great time. Wish that part had lasted.