How much do you value social intelligence?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I define social intelligence as the ability to read cues, signals, body language and tone of voice of both others and yourself. The ability to navigate social situations by knowing the best way to respond, to detect insincerity, and being able to manipulate your own outward appearance to others is also a big part of it.

Personally, I view having a high social intelligence is very valueable in the real world. At least on the internet, some of the more common complaints/questions/challenges people seem to pose involve reading signals, socializing, etc. Now this could simply be selection bias (people who are socially awkward being more likely to ask for help/complain/vent on the internet vs people who are not ‘book smart’) or it could just be that social intelligence is much harder to develop than other kinds of intelligence. Navigating human interaction reminds me a lot of frustrations with the English language; often inconsistent, aspects that seem incredibly arbitrary and redundant, easy to pick up bad habits, difficult to perfect for many). Its an abstract skill you can’t simply develop by memorizing a lot of facts, and its usage and benefits can be much more subtle than being a good programmer, for example.

My wife has a tremendous amount of social intelligence, and it seems to benefit her in a lot of ways. In High School/College/Work she is very good at understanding what it is her teacher/supervisor/etc really wants/expects. My best friend is a very hard worker, but he burned himself out in his old IT job running around in circles chasing his tail trying to please his supervisors. My wife, in contrast, devoted her energies very efficiently at her job, putting the bulk of her effort on the things in her work that really mattered and abandoning the things that had no bearing/benefit to her task, happiness, and career. She seemed to ‘get’ people very quickly, and is very good at reading their intent. If she was ever interested enough in it, she’d probably be a great poker player because she is amazing at reading a person’s facial cues.

Things like Job interviews are one of her biggest strengths, and she’s never been unemployed since starting work in her early teens. She strongly believes that how you present yourself to someone along with your attitude goes a long way toward success, since even if you are some undiscovered genius you may not get very far with it if you can’t explain it well to people. While some people are obsessed with being ‘right’ about something, she’s more interested in getting people to accept that she’s right, which fosters a great deal of trust from her peers.

I brag about her a lot here, and I’ll own that, because I’m very proud of her and she’s had an extremely positive influence on my life. Simply observing how she interacts with people has improved the way I interact with people and I’m a lot better with patience, controlling my body language, tone of voice, etc. Sometimes making small improvements yields a lot of positive feedback from others (people taking you more seriously, more interested in what you have to say, more respectful of your boundaries). I took my own improvements and used it to better my relationship with my family, and now the relationship I have with my mom and brother (which over the years was the source of much griping on the SDMB) has improved tremendously.

For me, I value social intelligence because I feel like it can offset other weaknesses far more than having a ‘vulcan’ way of thinking and taking everything literally.

2

There’s your answer. If there is a better one, I’d certainly love to hear it.

3

I don’t think I have any social intelligence at all. I know that most people have what the OP is describing, but I’m like a blind person trying to understand color.

4

I’m not sure how to answer this. Yes, it is undeniably valuable. It’s hard to accomplish anything in life without the assistance of other people. You can be a total genius and fail to be understood or supported. On the other hand, you don’t come up with the theory of relativity just because everyone likes you.

To me it’s a little like asking how much I value chainsaws. For cutting down trees, they’re invaluable. For building furniture, not so much. If you have to go from a tree to a rocking chair, you’re going to need many different tools and they’re all quite important.

5

How does one get their social intelligence evaluated? E.g. is there some sort of test or program you can do that pops out a quantitative “Social Intelligence Quotient” score, or is social intelligence a qualitative thing only?

6

I noticed that people that struggle with it seem to try to take the opposite approach- avoid having to work/interact with others, and isolate themselves to the point the internet is their primary means of interaction. To me, this seems like MORE work.

While people like to vent, I see a very common gripe on the SDMB some variant of "a big meanie at work/family/etc. I often wonder how beneficial developing better boundaries would be for these folks. The people that often seem surrounded by inconsiderate assholes also have the hardest time really telling people “no”.

7

I know it can be a bit of a catch 22 sometimes…sort of like confidence (if you don’t know what having it is like, how do you build it? I think the key is to work in baby steps, practice with people close to you, and listen to feedback.

Sort of like riding a bike, it’s much easier to learn and develop when you are young. Also like knowing how to ride a bike, not knowing later in life can be embarrassing which makes it harder to learn.

And no, it’s not explicitly quantifiable, which is why I think people who think very linearly and literally struggle with it.

8

There is value in all intelligences (intellgenci!). A community needs all types to function well. If you’ve got nothing but alpha males and queen bees, you end up with an unworkable dynamic. Same as if you’ve got nothing but shy retiring types. A mix is ideal.

I don’t care if a person is socially inept as long as they are good at something that I need help with. If you know statistics like the back of your hand and you’re halfway approachable and somewhat easy-going, I don’t care that you’re socially awkward. And there are instances when being socially inhibited is advantageous. Like, it’s the day before a deadline and we’re scrambling to finish up something really important, but accounting is having a party downstairs. The breakroom is constantly full of people who are great with social skills. But they often do subpar work because they spend more time worrying about office drama than what they’ve been paid to do. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

9

Social intelligences are great. I pluralize on purpose, because I think that there are a lot of different kinds of social intelligence.

For example, I’m real good with kids: I can understand them, I can comunicate with them, on most subjects pretty effectively. I’ve had co-workers who were much better than me at certain aspects of this communication, though, and I learn from them.

I’m pretty good with close friends and family: I’m aware of boundaries and can easily keep from crossing them, I don’t create drama, I listen well.

I’m fine at public speaking: I’m vibrant and funny and eloquent.

But I’m lousy at dating and flirting. Parties are hard for me. I’m crap at small talk a lot of the time. I have a lot of trouble telling when folks I don’t know well are being sarcastic. Several times a year I have an interaction with a some casual acquaintance or another that leaves me feeling bewildered and vaguely humiliated. I don’t make friends easily, and when a casual acquaintance or a co-worker annoys me, I’m crap at hiding that.

I’m very glad I’m good at the things I’m good at, but I wish I were better at the things I’m bad at. There’s really no advantage to how snippy I get with people who annoy me, and being bad at parties is a serious disadvantage, and so on.

10

I believe thyat the key to high social intelligence is not focusing on ourselves and simply being keenly aware of those who surround us and our surroundings in general. I lack writing skills and verbal skill but have managed pretty well in life because of my social skills. I do poorly at social gatherings but do well in sales and other one on one type interactions. I am really not sure if social skill would be the correct term here or not.

11

It’s the skill set of the future workplace.

With computers doing so much mental work (and this is only increasing) and machines doing so much physical work, the ability to get along and lead is far more important than ever. I would not want to grow up today thinking that being an introverted math expert is the key to my future - once somebody figures out how to program computers to derive proofs (for example), you’re f-ed. And if nobody likes you, you’re f-ed².

12

The fact that you recognize your strengths and weaknesses is a sign that you are intelligent. In my experience, people who have a high assessment of their abilities in anything tend to be unable to see how they are actually inept. I’m sure there’s a fancy psychological term for this and I just don’t know it.

I also believe that we can be our own worse critic. I may not like going to parties or doing the nebulous “let’s hang out!” thing, but this doesn’t mean I don’t have good social skills. Not any more than not liking MS Access means I’m not technologically savvy. But I used to believe this because of the way I was taught to view “social skills”. I’m actually not that bad with dealing with people as individuals. But I am pragmatic and serious. I can chit-chat with the best of them, but I’m not going to chit-chat the day away. Not when there is stuff to do. More social types can talk and talk and talk. I’m just not like this. But this isn’t a deficit of skill. I don’t need to “practice” anything or apologize. I may not be excellent in all areas, but I’m good enough. And it sounds like you are too.

13

I don’t have much to add on social intelligence. I feel as if I fit this description well, but it’s been something I’ve always been not something I learned. I’ve also been told from many people that I’m empathetic and I think this helps.

My only real reason to post was to say: Awwww, Incubus. I think it’s sweet that you brag about your wife. It’s endearing to know that you think so highly of her. :slight_smile: She sounds amazing and lucky.

14

You have a strange conception of work. I assure you this is pretty easy.

I must say that there is quite a bit a truth to this statement. I no I don’t say ‘no’ nearly as often as I should. You’d think Ild have gotten that down at 2.

15

I value social skills quite highly. One of the biggest problems with sharpening your social skills is that you are practicing on your real life.

If you want to learn how to better socially interact with your superiors, you can talk to them more often. However, if you aren’t particularly apt to begin with, you will botch your attempts and separate yourself from your superiors.

Therefore, it is terribly important that you use each social situation as a learning experience, and thoroughly analyze it afterwards.

It is also important to utilize unimportant social situations to sharpen your skills.

I remember as a kid my parents encouraging me to complete purchases at the store and generally chit-chat with clerks to understand interaction at that level.

In my best estimation this is why early education is so important - you are learning from a very young age to be fluent in communication with your peers. If it is true that learning foreign languages is much easier at a young age then the same is probably true of general communication skills.

16

The difficulty with social intelligence is that it’s difficult to know when you lack it if you’re unfortunate enough to lack it.

If you’re slow with math, unable to grasp language very well, or have deficient spatial skills, it’s very easy to diagnose yourself. You see your blunders clearly. No one has to tell you what is plainly obvious.

But if you lack the self-awareness necessary to know when you’re coming across poorly, it’s unlikely you’re going to figure that out on your own.

Which is kind of cool, because it means the social dopes who pat themselves on the back for being “people persons” endlessly entertain those of us who know what they are too blind to see.

17

Unless, of course, you’re another one of those social dopes and are patting yourself on the back.

Which I suppose is inevitable because there will always be people more sociable than you and they will notice those quirky things that you do. :smack:

18

I value it highly, as a person without much. I remember at age 20 when I happened to be with my 16-yr-old brother and his friends, I took his cues to me without question (he’d always explain later). At least I was clueful enough to know when he was clueing me, without our working it out beforehand.

Not that there’s anything wrong with working out the cues beforehand. My college freshman roommate and I used the signal at the beginning of The Sting to signal when it was time to leave the other alone with his girlfriend. His gf eventually remarked at how great my timing was, and she laughed when he told her our system.

That said, intelligence is not necessarily wisdom. Some people read others astutely, but then do stupid things with the knowledge. I think I’m in the opposite category: I’m a bit thick, but I know it, I deal with it, and I minimize the drama, so I’m usually happy and get along with people. Plus I’m pretty good at faking it: people who don’t know me well often don’t realize how dense I am.

It shouldn’t take a genius to figure it out, but you’re right, many don’t. Perhaps because they never get graded. How many of us turned in math tests we thought we aced but didn’t? (My guess: around here, not too many, but you get the idea!)

19

Yes. The latest gee-gaw is “Emotional Intelligence” and if you Google it you can take the tests.

And you with the face “Read the book we gave you, Sheldon!” :stuck_out_tongue:

20

Because social situations are so complex and ego protection is important for a healthy psyche, we have a tendency to externalize the cause of failed social interactions. Like, if someone gets mad at us, we’ll try to write them off as crazy or stupid or menstrual before we blame ourselves. And I think this is healthy in moderation, because blaming yourself for every social misfire leads to depression and social anxiety.

But it would be nice if there was a way for a person to get an objective assessment on how they fair socially. I think people rate their social abilities on how many friends they have, not realizing that friends are wonderful in tolerating all kinds of annoying quirks (especially if they have them too). And also not realizing that the social skills one uses to acquire friends are not the same ones they use to work well with others professionally. For instance, knowing how to make friends is great, but if you’re an office gossip or a sanctimonious tattle-tale, you’re not going to be anyone’s favorite coworker. Even the most self-aware person wouldn’t know they suffer from these impairments unless someone sat them down and told them so. And most of us can’t be so frank because we lack the tact need to convey this information gently. So yeah, it’s not easy.

Which is why I like being around people who are compassionate. If there’s a “soft” skill out there that I value more than anything else, it’s that one.