I’ve got two coworkers. One is really really sick, and the other is really really pregnant (she’s delivering tomorrow). Today it seemed like all everyone could talk about was the two of them. There were sad and happy emotions everywhere.
All day I’ve been wondering if I’m the only one who doesn’t feel anything. I’m neither worried about the sick coworker, nor excited for the pregnant coworker. I like the two okay, yet I’m not feeling anything. I signed the card for the sick coworker and I chit-chatted with my boss about the pregnant coworker. But I stayed out of the breakroom today so that I wouldn’t have to talk about either.
What’s worse, I think people sense my detachment, even when I’m saying all the right things. I’m embarrassed by this, but I don’t know what to do. Other than to stay away until the conversation goes to something neutral.
Unless either of them were my friend in addition to co-worker, I’d be pretty much behaving like you are.
I think what I fake most is interest. I’m not even a little interested in the vast majority of non-work-related conversation, “joking,” socializing, events, whatever in a work setting. In fact I sort of resent that I’m “supposed” to be even marginally interested in co-workers except to whatever extent is necessary for us all to satisfactorily perform our work.
I guess “interest” isn’t an emotion. So we could say it’s sort of a fake “friendliness”.
Earlier today I was toying with the idea of starting a thread titled “things you are trying hard to care about.” this thread is kind of close to that though.
I would say that sometime in my 30’s I started thinking more about this. For example. When they would list the names in a plane crash I started making it a point to read the name and age and give a little thought to each one. I was always a little ashamed of myself for not feeling anything. I think I have developed a bit more empathy where I genuinely feel good or bad about what has ahappened to a friend or sometimes casual aquaintence. It doesn’t stay with me long but long enough to feel I am not faking it anymore.
I don’t get too worked up about killer earthquakes thousands of miles away, for example. I mean, I know it’s horrendous and all, but apart from reading the news and feeling a tad bad for the people, I don’t get all sad and emotional.
Celebrity deaths are pretty much the same for me. Although Leonard Nimoy, Johnny Carson, and John Lennon made me sad. I don’t think I’ve cared much about many others. (ETA: George Harrison made me sad too.)
When it’s coworkers? Like I said, I empathize. I won’t lose any sleep though. I used to work with complete and genuine friends, and still am friends with them today, but in my current job I really don’t care much. We’re all just cogs in the wheel. But I empathize.
I’m afraid I don’t have the time nor energy for fake emotions, so WYSIWYG. That said, I like most of my co-workers and enjoy our social exchanges at work. There is no pressure on me to take part in conversations I’m not interested in, or care about situations that don’t move me. In our break room, some people chat, some read a book or newspaper, and some actually flop down for a nap. I usually work on a crossword and make idle chat with any friends nearby.
If anything, I fake not having emotions. I work hard to keep my anger from being visible to others, and much of this involves suppressing it in myself.
Interesting question. I am pretty isolated outside of work, so work becomes social time to some extent, but a superficial extent. I am friendly and interested at the time, and I don’t feel it’s fake, but when I leave for the day it’s rare that I think much more about it. If it’s something terrible (a co-worker’s husband died suddenly, another’s son was killed in a car crash) I will have residual emotions outside of work.
Generally, it’s small town so I need to remain friendly and agreeable because I will see these people in other contexts!
I never fake emotions. Sometimes I do act politely when the situation calls for it, like saying a polite, “I’m sorry” when something bad happens, or “I hope everything works out” if someone is going through a difficult time. But I’m not faking an emotion, just saying the appropriate thing.
I’m generally an emotional person, but I don’t feel a deep personal connection to most of my co-workers. For those who are genuine friends, I get emotional about their lives, but for those who aren’t, it’s enough just to say the right words, without having to fake emotions I don’t feel.
I spend enough time trying not to show the emotions I do feel (at least in work situations). I don’t have time to try to fake ones I don’t feel.
I’ve noticed that coworkers are always ready to sympathetically discuss it when one of them has surgery, suffers an accident, etc. Just about every one of life’s usual setbacks is an open discussion topic for the break room. Except one.
That one being when one of them loses his or her job. They shut right the fuck up on that one.
As for the situations described in the OP: The level to which I just don’t “get” the squee associated with babby, engagements, weddings, and even anti-squee of cancer & funeral news could probably land me n Asperger’s diagnosis. I’m not a sociopath, and gawd knows I’m the opposite of unemotional. If it’s any consolation, monstro, you and I at least have this in common. I used to try to fake it and emote appropriately to the situation, but people can sense it somehow. As a remedy I’ve simply come clean with my coworkers and told them (when nothing else is going on) that I care intellectually, and to please not take my nonreaction as indifference. Seems to work.
What I do continue to fake very often is emotional neutrality–regardless of the situation my brain sprays emotion juice that makes me feel stuff without stimulus (super happy, sad, terrified, etc. for no good reason). I’ve learned to keep that locked down.
It’s hard to say. On the one hand, if someone tells me they fell last night and hit their head, I’ll say “I’m so sorry!” and I’ll mean it, but I don’t really feel anything but mild concern. On the other hand I’m empathetic to the point of being an emotional sponge, which is very unpleasant for me. So to protect myself, I resist getting emotionally involved in others’ suffering.
I had the discomfiting experience a few months ago of dropping some work off at a sick coworker’s house and discovering she had made a half-hearted attempt at suicide the night before. I sat with her for awhile and we talked about it, depression, her emotional situation, etc. And while I empathized with her a great deal and was horrified to learn she was in so much pain as to try to end her life, I remained calm during my time with her. It wasn’t until I had returned to work and walked to my office that I realized I was shaking and full of anxiety over her. I had just shut my feelings off when I was with her.
When it comes to baby and wedding showers and such, I really don’t care on an emotional level, but I give enthusiastic congratulations out of regard for my coworker or friend.
I have acquaintances who self-identify as “empath,” which my cynical, uncaring heart translates into “I want everyone to really, really care about me just as much as I (claim to) really, really care about them!”
I really care about most people and do whatever I can to help them when I can. But I am also not very emotionally involved at all. I’m sure I am acting pretty much like monstro but it doesn’t trouble me that I am only being pragmatic rather than emotionally motivated.
For example. A young woman at work has cancer and has lost all her hair due to chemo. She sometimes comes around near where I work and although I have previously had nothing to do with her I now chat with her when she is around. She seems to enjoy having a “stranger” to vent to that isn’t afraid to mention the obvious. As a former nurse this isn’t at all daunting but I know people tend not to talk to the ill and suffering, so I try to.
Recently my mother died and I was somewhat surprised at how little effected I was by that however a couple of years ago I had a cancer scare and friends marveled at how relaxed I was about the whole thing.
Now in each of these cases I am aware of the emotional impact and feel the odd wave of it hitting me but, just like a real wave, it passes and I get back to simply acting. Most people seem to believe that I am a really loving, caring guy because all they see are my actions and all they hear are my words and they don’t know that these things are not being driven by my emotions.
I think it’s perfectly normal to feel sort of emotionally detached in a lot of cases. As this thread demonstrates (I know, skewed data), people don’t always have the genuine feels on the level they expect of themselves. This, IMO, is not because something is wrong with the non-feeler, but because of our culture. The expectation is set from an early age that we’re all on stage and the show is a melodrama. When we fail to act sufficiently, that’s our problem.
I have a legendary BS meter, and I can tell you, those loving, kind, caring people you’re interacting with? Quite a lot of it is BS. As the Bible says, you can usually tell by their fruit. There’s a lot to be potentially gained by being that person, and people take advantage of that.
Honestly, I think most people would prefer a sincere “You have my condolences” and then being left the hell alone than some big production, which comes off as attention seeking and self-serving.
I don’t know that I consider deliberate emotional body language/expression to be “fake”. I have to deliberately smile at people–it’s not an instinctive thing at all for me. But I do genuinely want to communicate “I see you, I like you, we share some sort of connection” and the way to do that is a smile as you pass by in the hall. The emotion/intent is real, but the expression is a careful, practiced thing, not a spontaneous reaction. But I don’t think it’s fake.
I also exaggerate my emotional reactions to my kids, especially the positive ones. They learn better if and when they know I am proud, or impressed, or amused, or excited about them or the content. I do feel all those things, but perhaps not to the point that it would come out on my face/words/body language if I didn’t deliberately chose to. But, again, the emotions are there. It’s just I take care to communicate them. Does that make it “fake”?
As another example, I don’t cry very often–not nearly as often as most women. But I don’t think I feel less sadness (or anger or frustration). It’s just not how my body reacts.
Are you saying if someone is let go at your workplace that’s not the hot topic among coworkers for the next day or two? Because my experience has been the opposite.
If I had a problem or issue I don’t want false sympathy, I prefer advice and trying to fix the issue. Therefore I try to show people I care by showing I have given their issue thought, or I have experience with it I share. To me this is the ultimate in caring and giving a shit, but I can tell others want sympathy.