How NOT To Be A Dumbass In The Workplace

In My Humble Opinion
1

It is getting near college graduation time, and I thought I would throw out one pearl of wisdom for those about to enter the workplace for the first time.

Do not, under any circumstances, piss off the boss’s secretary/personal assistant!

I have worked in many offices and see this all the time…people need to see The Boss and march right up to the Keeper Of The Gate and treat them like hired help. Sure, they are hired help, but woe be ye who think that is all they are.

This is the person who knows The Boss’s mood. They also have The Boss’s ear, despite what you may think.

Get on their wrong side and they will make an appointment for the time, and day of the week they know The Boss is cranky. Get on their bad side and you might have to wait a very long time to even get in the door. Get on their bad side and reports you turn in on time might not make it through the door on time. The list is endless.

However…get on the good side and…

“Honey…trust me, you do not want to talk to The Boss today…”
“Just a suggestion, but The Boss is going to be looking at expense accounts this afternoon…”
“The Boss is in a great mood…might be a good time to ask about that raise…”
That list is endless as well.

I know, for people who have been in the workplace a long time, this is nothing new…but for those just starting out, it never hurts to make some small talk, pay a compliment, flirt, smile, tell a joke - whatever. Making friends with The Boss’s secretary/personal assistant is ALWAYS a wise idea! By the way, this goes double if you are going there for the first time in a job interview!

Any other words of wisdom for our new work force?

2

People believe what they hear.

So don’t bitch. Not even a little bit, especially in the first year. If what they hear is that you are unhappy and overwhelmed by your job, they’ll believe you. Why would you lie?

3

BE gracious and friendly to ALL “the staff”, not just The Boss’s assistant. They’ll help you when you need to get something out the door at 5:00 p.m.

Be gracious and friendly to ALL the assistants of everyone you work with. They hang out together and gossip. If you get on one shitlist, you’ll end up on all the shitlists.

Learn how to use and troubleshoot the copier, the printer, and the fax machine. Add paper if needed, remove paper jams, etc. Don’t just walk away and pretend you don’t know there’s a problem.

Never, never, never cop an attitude with someone who has any say whatsoever in your advancement with the company, even if he or she is the biggest idiot you’ve ever met. That doesn’t mean you should let them screw up, you just need to learn how to tactfully tell them they’re screwing up and let them think they came up with the solution. This will absolutely suck but if you want to advance, you have to play the game. It would be nice if people were judged on the merits, but we’re not–in other words, office politics matter so learn how to play.

If you have a deadline, meet it. It’s just that simple. If there’s a problem with finishing the project, communicate with the person who gave you the project, don’t just hope they weren’t serious about the deadline.

Calendar everything–figure out a system that works for you and use it religiously. Your brain is not a system.

Be someone that people want to work with. If you have client contact, be responsive–call people back within 24 hours and if you say you’re going to get something to them or do something for them, do it. Internally, don’t bitch and moan. Either shut up and be privately miserable or get a new job–you’re bringing the rest of us down.

Learn how to say no and how to prioritize.

Never, never, never, never, never have more than 2 drinks at a company function. You never want to be the person everyone is talking about on Monday morning.

4

When your boss says he wants to see you immediately, what he really means is that he wants you to put on some pants and then see you immediately.

Yes, that was from experience.

5

Ahahahhaahahahhaa. You cannot just say that and leave. Tell the story about the time you left to see your boss without pants. Ahahaha.

6

Make friends with the janitorial staff. At my school, every Christmas the wife and I bake goodies for all the secretaries and custodial staff. And people wonder why my room is always cleaned and I always get my messages on time… :smiley:

7

Just by showing up to work on time and not calling out too often, you’ll probably become a favorite employee. You’d be amazed how rare this skill is. Add actually knowing what you’re doing and you’ll be in the top 5%. And it’s amazing what you can get away with when you’ve got good workplace karma.

Course this probably just applies to retail.

8

This is so amazingly true. I don’t even make cookies - I just say ‘hi’ and ‘thank you’ and make sure that they know that I know that they’re the Most Useful People Around. We’re one of the only labs in which the trash is always emptied and the floor got washed this winter. Our ordering always goes through quickly, as I’ve made a point of asking our ordering / accounting Guru’s exactly how they’d like me to do things. I love the staff around here - not a thing would ever get done without them.

9

Amen. In fact, make friends with him/her. Bring special treats. Do special favors. It’s the best alliance you can make.

10

Never just say you’ll do something, even little tasks that take a few hours of your time. Always say you’ll do something and when you’ll have it done by.

Naming a date gives you a chance to say you get things done on time. Hard to do if there are no deadlines.

If you can’t do it by the time you promised, let your boss know as soon as you do that you won’t make it, and give a new date. Even those 2-3 hour tasks that aren’t time critical. They’re almost always ok with a little delay as long as it’s not a surprise, communicating well on stuff like this gives you a great rep.

11

Along those lines, be realistic when someone asks you for an estimated time you’ll be done. It may sound impressive to promise something really soon, but if you have to keep pushing off the completion date you’ll look like an idiot who doesn’t know how to manage your time… and then they’ll start to wonder how well you’re doing the rest of your job.

Take the time to do the job right the first time. If you do actually finish up a task earlier than expected, go find your boss and ask what’s next. It will do wonders for people’s view of your efficiency, and they’ll be really pleased with your sense of responsibility and initiative.

12

Someone gave me this advice many years ago. I always follow it, and I’ve never regreted it.

The workplace is complicated enough. Adding stories of your personal life to the office gossip mill only makes things more difficult.

There’s no need to be secretive or mysterious. That can be counter productive too. If coworkers are nosey; keep it simple, gereral, and positve.

13

Pretty much, what I have learned over my first four years in the workplace can be narrowed down to two points:

  1. Work as hard as you can. Don’t kill yourself to the point where you will burn out and be useless, but don’t screw around and not get your work done, either. Find your balance so that you are able to complete your tasks accurately and in a timely fashion.

  2. Be the type of person YOU would like to work with. Be friendly, upbeat, and offer to help whenever you can. If you stay past 5 pm to help somebody out, when it’s your turn to stay late, they’ll likely be right by your side, too.

14

If you screw up (and believe me, it WILL happen), let you boss know right away. there’s no harm in admitting it - everyone botches something now and then. But when it happens, it is FAR better for the boss to hear it first from you than from someone else. Yeah, this oughta be common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people out there try to cover up their errors, so the repercussions end up being far worse that what they would’ve been had they admitted it as soon as it happened.

15

Amen to all of the above, but as I got older and saw more, I realized there’s a big truth in GMRyujin’s comment.

Simple, plain competence will get you where you want to go. I can’t emphasize this enough. It doesn’t mean brilliance; it doesn’t mean working 60-hour weeks; it doesn’t even mean talent.

It just means showing up for work, doing what you’re expected (if you can do more, that’s better), and being pleasant around your co-workers.

Do that, and you’re in the top 10 percentile.

16

Don’t ever piss off the IT staff!

One person at my office makes a habit of calling the IT staff (me) and demanding that I fix something right now because “what I’m doing is really important” (as opposed to whatever the rest of the staff is working on). I get to her office, and she says “Oh, I don’t have time for this right now”.

Guess how far down the pile her problem gets filed.

17

I’d say one of every 5 people we hired at the store lasted more than a month. Getting to work on time, showing up on the days you’re scheduled, and doing a decent job is way, way beyond some people. You don’t even have to be good at what you do to become valued.

18

In that vein, don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes when asked. One thing I’ll always remember was during an annual review that I was nervous about, because I’d made a few mistakes in the year. I got a very generous raise, and a glowing review, at the end of which my boss said, “One of the things I admire most in you is your ability to take responsibility for, and learn from, your mistakes.”
Getting defensive when confronted with a mistake of some sort serves no purpose.

19

I’m on custodial staff myself, and that really is true. I don’t expect you to blow me or anything, but treating me well will get you office/cube cleaned extra well.

20

Dude, flamingbananas is spot on. Cough up the story, you owe us.