A couple of weeks ago my boyfriend’s ex from long ago came into town. She is all that I have heard about since. Mundane details, embarassing stories, etc., etc.
Now, to me, I find it, I guess, disrepectful to talk about my exes too much. Yes, there were good ones and bad ones. But I like to keep it to myself.
So I was wondering how often in your relationship does ‘the ex’ get talked about.
And… If you’re the one bringing it up, why? If you’re the one hearing it all the time, how does it make you feel when he/she brings it up?
Rarely, I have no interest in talking about either of them. My SO mentioned his quite a bit when we first started dating, (to be fair he was only 20 and all his previous relationships had been 4ish months or less) and I made it clear that I didn’t care to hear about them. It stopped shortly thereafter.
My husband is on a bowling team with two of mine. We all get along, and occasionally will reminisce, but it’s all pretty high level. No talk of past sex lives, current bedroom activities, and other sensitive stuff. That’s just common sense…
My husband and I talked about our exes a bit when we were first getting to know one another… it’s not like either of us had a ton of relationships before we met at age 18, but we felt those experiences inevitably would impact how we approached our new relationship.
Now, the subject comes up every once in a while, maybe as pillow talk or when we’re having one of our conversations about the past. It’s not really a big deal, about as important as all the other random crap we talk about. There isn’t any excessive talk about exes by any means. I’m thinking maybe once every few months I might mention an ex. Maybe even once every six months. Usually it’s not flattering speech, and the conversation begins, ‘‘That reminds me of this thing X did that really pissed me off once.’’
I think there is such thing as talking about the exes too much. I’ve had more than one relationship derailed by dudes that just weren’t ready to be dating someone else. The tone he’s using is also really relevant. Is he giving anecdotes in a sort of wistful, reminiscing way? I could see how that would get irritating, and might suggest he is having second thoughts. If it bugs you, I’d strongly suggest confronting him about it. It could be totally innocent, but there’s no sense stewing about it. If it really hurts your feelings, say something.
My husband talked about his ex a lot when we started going out. They’d been separated for just a few months. The talk tapered off over a year or so.
I didn’t mind – maybe because he had nothing good to say about her. I did ask him not to badmouth her in front of his son, who was just 13 at the time. And he didn’t, at least not when I was around them.
I’m a male with a 2-year long current relationship.
I have two exes who I see, one on a very regular basis (we’re still good friends, and she’s my tap dance teacher).
I guess I just don’t dwell too much on talking about times when we were dating. But, if we’re talking about, say, theater, I might talk about when Kate and I went to NYC and saw Little Shop. No intimate details of the relationship, but I don’t censor myself to pretend that it didn’t happen.
My girlfriend made it crystal clear that she didn’t like hearing about my exes, so I don’t talk about them. I also told her that if she talks about hers while insisting I can’t talk about mine, its incredibly hypocritical. So we avoid the topic.
Not a lot, but when there’s a context for whatever the story is. Since we’re both friends with our exes and each other’s, it’s not really emotionally loaded.
I think my SO and I put alot of effort into being painfully honest and open. For example if I were with someone who couldn’t provide a positive trait of an ex if asked, surely they’d be hiding something. Like most I reckon day to day conversation doesn’t bring the topic up, but I don’t feel uncomfortable asking a cuirous question or chatting about my past.
Rarely. When I had been dating my SO for about a year, I mentioned that I was having lunch with ex’s mom (by mom’s name.) SO said, “Who?” and I said, “Kristine’s mom.”
SO told me to never say Kristine’s name again. :dubious: SO knew Kristine when K and I were living together - they took some grad school classes together and commuted together.
This past Sunday, I took ex’s mom out to brunch for her 78th birthday, since Kristine now lives three states away. SO said, “That’s so nice you stay in touch with Kristine’s mom.” :smack:
Kristine is a minor topic when Mom and I get together every couple of months. I like mom and feel that it’s not much work on my part to mow her lawn or shovel her walks once in awhile for a 78 year old lady… I don’t talk about my SO to mom - she wishes K and I had stayed together (K left town.)
Both his and mine pop up occasionally in conversation… “At the apartment X and I lived at, X occurred,” or “Yes, I’ve been there once, X and I went there years ago…”
It’s generally anecdotal and brief. I don’t mind it at all, and he doesn’t appear to either. The same way you’d mention anybody if their presence in a story was required to tell the story.
She did send him a Christmas card…one of those mass photo-cards you print at Walgreens with a picture of the dog they owned together and the printed words “Merry Christmas from Ex and Ex-Dog”…which I thought was a bit odd. I don’t send my ex Christmas cards, nor have I received any.
My SO shrugged and said “she’s kind of crazy,” and that was the end of it.
Honestly my opinion is that your ex is bound to come up in conversation occasionally, and I see no point in pretending that you’ve never had a relationship til the current one. Like your life was a blank slate til then. I don’t think it’s productive to discuss the ex in any kind of detail, obviously, but if their name pops up in a story or anecdote, who cares?
My husband was fairly recently divorced when we met, and in the beginning, I was morbidly curious about his ex as well as his past. (For those who don’t know, he and I only dated 4 weeks before eloping 24+ years ago.) Even tho I never met his first wife, in the early years, I was jealous of her, but all of that passed. In fact, a couple of years ago, he googled her and called her (she lives about 3000 miles away) and honestly, I didn’t care. And with his curiosity satisfied, he’s never mentioned her again.
Almost 20 years ago, an ex-girlfriend of his called - I answered the phone and gave him the message. When he talked to her, he said he got the feeling she was looking to hook up, talking about how unhappy her marriage was and all. She called a couple more times, but he just ignored her, and she went away.
As for me, I hardly have any ex-boyfriends worth discussing, since I didn’t start dating till I was almost 20, and I only had a couple of semi-serious relationships. I am currently in touch with my very first bf - he found me via Classmates and we IM maybe a couple times a week. Our conversations are very mundane, and my husband occasionally reads over my shoulder. Honestly, this guy, while holding the honor as “First Boyfriend” is no longer the person I knew (and I expect he would say the same about me.) If we were to have our first meeting now, we’d never connect like we did in 1973. So I don’t think my spousal unit is bothered.
Anyway, to address the OP, we’ve occasionally talked about our past “loves” but mostly when something that happened to us reminded us of an experience in the deep, dark past. I don’t think either of us has mentioned an ex wistfully or regretfully.
We rarely talk about them, there’s not much point. At the moment, an ex of mine from many years ago has been texting me - usually for relationship advice. I have mentioned to 'im indoors that I’m getting texts from Wayne but it’s not a problem since he and I have been “ex” for such a long time.
Two of his exes are good friends of his, and by extension, have also become good friends of mine. There’s an unspoken rule that we don’t discuss him amongst the three of us, except for the occasional fond teasing about some of his quirks (like his lifelong love affair with chicken soup). Same goes with the handful of exes that I’m still on good terms with… he’ll happily sit down and have a beer with them, and it’s all good.
Given this, it’s pretty hard to avoid any mentions of the exes, so we just make sure we leave out the gory details - basically, if you’d be uncomfortable telling a particular anecdote to your grandmother, it’s probably best not discussed with the SO.
It almost never comes up with us. No particular reason, except maybe that we’ve been together 15 years, and any exes aren’t terribly relevant anymore. I did get kind of sick of hearing his ex-fiancee’s name when we first got together, because every time I admired something of his, it turns out SHE gave it to him. Gah!
We’ve only been together a few years, and had a lifetime of exes before that. It would be silly to think the topic would never come up. However, there is a big difference between accumulated baggage, and garbage.
We don’t even know where one of his is, thank goodness. As long as she isn’t within a hundred miles, fine by me.
Another is a problem only when she crosses the line, which she can’t seem to help herself from doing. Often. Not a big deal between the two of us, but aggravating.
He knows mine, the ones that counted at all, anyway.
None of them count now.
We neither mind talking about or mentioning any.
Full disclosure when we first met.
Do not allow ourselves to use them for spite, comparisons, or entertainment.
My gf often brings up her exes in conversation but its mostly the recent ones. Initially I barely noticed because it never really seemed like a big deal but then she started to censor me when I brought up my exes.
The main difference between our recollections is that I am still very good friends with two of my exes since we all grew up together. She is only on good terms with one and they don’t really talk much.
On the rare occasion my exes come up in conversation the topic is usually something that happened outside of our dating experience. I shared a prom limo and house with the two exes that I still talk to and I went to college with one and worked for 6 yrs with the other. I only bring up stuff that is relevant to whatever the conversation is.
I only see a problem with it if the S.O. is talking about past sexual experiences or something else equally inappropriate. Otherwise, its no big deal. It is stupid to pretend years of your life did not happen to keep someone else from getting upset over nothing. It is very difficult to find a blank slate to date.
I did ask him not to badmouth her in front of his son, who was just 13 at the time. And he didn’t, at least not when I was around them.