How old were you when your parents divorced?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I was six. The thing that screwed me up the most was that my parents never fought. I don’t mean they never fought in front of me, I mean they (almost) never fought, period. I’ve verified this through both parents - it’s not my memory playing rosy colored tricks on me. Repression of feelings, especially anger, was the order of the day - and my whole childhood. It’s made it very hard for me to deal with confrontation and anger in the rest of the world. With therapy, I’ve made progress - I no longer need to go to the bathroom and throw up if a couple I don’t know is arguing at another table in the restaurant.

Just before the divorce, they had the one shouting argument of their 14 year marriage. Unfortunately, the argument was triggered by a lie I told my mother involving the woman my father was (unbeknownst to me) having an affair with. Because this was the only fight, and it preceded the divorce announcement by a matter of weeks, of course I blamed myself in a much more direct and logically supportable way than most kids can.

[QUOTE=Leaffan]
I don’t want to hijack this, really, but reading these stories is exactly why I feel the need to continue in a less-than-perfect relationship for the sake of an 8 and 9 year old. My personal decisions right now could affect the lives of 2 other humans forever. I think I’ll take my lumps and persever. (There’s no fighting or anything, just not much of anything really.)
[/QUOTE]

Based on my own experiences and those I’ve witnessed, I have to agree. I have a lot of respect for you for seeing this and acting for the best interest of your children. There’s a continuum of unhappiness in a marriage, and I think that anything from mild annoyance to indifference should give a great deal of effort to staying together for the kids. Persistent unhappiness to outright abuse should probably not, as those things are harder on the kids than a divorce might be.

22

I was 11. A few months later, my dad remarried the woman he had been having an affair with. They stayed together until he died a few years ago, and while it was a bad scene at the time, it was probably for the best. My mom has never remarried (by choice).

23

[QUOTE=Leaffan]
I don’t want to hijack this, really, but reading these stories is exactly why I feel the need to continue in a less-than-perfect relationship for the sake of an 8 and 9 year old. My personal decisions right now could affect the lives of 2 other humans forever. I think I’ll take my lumps and persever. (There’s no fighting or anything, just not much of anything really.)
[/QUOTE]

And that’s pretty much where I am right now as well. My life sucks (that is, my relationship/romantic/sex life sucks), but there are all those hidden and not so hidden costs to divorce. And so I bide my time–and watch my life pass. (sorry to sound so bitter, but sitting on a picket fence is not pleasant).

24

33

They had been married for close to 40 years. It was a little unusual, to say the least. In my observations, most folks tend to divorce when they children are either young, or just out of the house.

25

[QUOTE=SnakesCatLady]
I was 4 when my parents divorced in 1965. My father did try to get custody of me, which was unsuccessful. He then decided he “couldn’t be a part-time parent” so I haven’t seen him since I was 8 or heard from him since I was 17. I did get a nice card from my two half-brothers when my mother passed away in 1988. I have no idea if my dad is still alive or not, and really don’t care.
[/QUOTE]

Heh…my ex had the same take on custody. Only he said “Sorry, I don’t pay for children I don’t live with.”

26

[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
8 when they separated, 14 when the divorce became final. Between those times, a whole lot of Sturm and Drang, false accusations, nastiness about money, affairs, using the 5 kids as weapons and tools against each other and against each parent, pulling in other family members, triangulation, manipulation, threats, physical harm, petty crime, and emotional/verbal abuse.

I’m sorry, what was the question again?

I was completely devastated by the separation, but by the time the divorce was final, I was too cynical to care. I have no idea to this day why it took 6 years (although this was before no fault divorce), all I know is that it colored my childhood much more than my sibliings. It sort of WAS my childhood, really. Before age 8-sentimentalized, nostalgic bliss (in my very rose colored memory), after age 8, not enough food or no food in the house, weeping, drinking, shouting, physical fights, thievery, you name it.

I felt the ramification of all this for many years, and still feel it somewhat today. I am adult enough to realize that past events don’t have to dictate future paths, but there is a small part of me that will not trust, does not trust.

Looking back, it is obvious that divorce was the answer. To that, all I can say is that when I was 21, my parents re-marrried–each other. They haven’t learned much by the lesson.
[/QUOTE]

Wow… Just, wow. I would think this would be the worst, being just 8 (so innocent), having it drag out for six years, then having them get back together! Damn it! That pisses me off. Not the getting back together part, but, well, you konw. . .

27

[QUOTE=WhyNot]

Based on my own experiences and those I’ve witnessed, I have to agree. I have a lot of respect for you for seeing this and acting for the best interest of your children. There’s a continuum of unhappiness in a marriage, and I think that anything from mild annoyance to indifference should give a great deal of effort to staying together for the kids. Persistent unhappiness to outright abuse should probably not, as those things are harder on the kids than a divorce might be.
[/QUOTE]

The most screwed up, violent, and generally abusive family lives I have ever witnessed come from homes where the parents “stayed together for the children.” Some relationships that may have contained only passive indifference, develop into full-blown hatred. A lot of people seem to subconsciously blame their kids for their unhappiness, or else the unhappiness just bleeds into the rest of the family.

28

[QUOTE=Leaffan]
I don’t want to hijack this, really, but reading these stories is exactly why I feel the need to continue in a less-than-perfect relationship for the sake of an 8 and 9 year old. My personal decisions right now could affect the lives of 2 other humans forever.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, to me, there’s not much more scary than knowing this, and worse, knowing how you affect those lives is not 100% in your control. There are two people in a relationship, and just so much unpredictability.

29

Oh, I will say that my parents’ divorce had a really good side effect: my sister and I are far more devoted to our marriages than we might have been. Don’t get me wrong - we’re not in Donna Reed territory (to think of it is to laugh), but it’s more that we embrace our family ties than try to shake them off.

30

My parents divorced when I was in my early 20s. They used to fight fairly regularly, for as long as I can remember. Well, not “fight”. More like my mom would accuse my dad of something, usually something absurd like cutting the brakelines on her car, and everyone would walk on eggshells for a week. My older sister says she can vaguely remember a time when they were together and didn’t fight.

Their divorce was nearly simultaneous with my going off to college, which really affected me. When I got homesick I’d realize that there was no longer a home to be sick for - the parents were split up and they’d sold our house and everything was different here and there. I wish they had split up when I was much, much younger.

31

[QUOTE=Capatalist Lion Tamer]
The most screwed up, violent, and generally abusive family lives I have ever witnessed come from homes where the parents “stayed together for the children.” Some relationships that may have contained only passive indifference, develop into full-blown hatred. A lot of people seem to subconsciously blame their kids for their unhappiness, or else the unhappiness just bleeds into the rest of the family.
[/QUOTE]

And I believe I already stated that those marriages with “hatred” should probably be severed, didn’t I? At least, I’d place that closer to the “persistent unhappiness” end of the spectrum. And I know I put “abuse” over there in the “okay to get divorced with kids” category. So why are you addressing me like we’re disagreeing?

For every anecdote you can give me about indifference turning into hatred, I can match it with one about indifference turning back into love. My point is simply that boredom and indifference themselves are shitty reasons to do a divorce to a kid. **Leaffan **said outright that there was “no fighting or anything”, and that seemed to be a big part of his, in my opinion, laudable decision to remain married.

32

[QUOTE=WhyNot]
And I believe I already stated that those marriages with “hatred” should probably be severed, didn’t I? At least, I’d place that closer to the “persistent unhappiness” end of the spectrum. And I know I put “abuse” over there in the “okay to get divorced with kids” category. So why are you addressing me like we’re disagreeing?
[/QUOTE]

I’m not. I was agreeing with you.

33

[QUOTE=Capatalist Lion Tamer]
I’m not. I was agreeing with you.
[/QUOTE]

Oh.

Way to take the wind out of a girl’s sails there, bub! :smiley:

But thanks for clarifying. And now back to our regularly scheduled thread!

34

I was 14 and wished it would have been sooner. The timing was really horrible for me because everything went to absolute hell until I walked out the door at 18 and never looked back although my mother comes to visit a few times a year and I have seen my father in the past 5 years. I get some satisfaction in that I got to control the timing of their divorce. My father was up to something very strange when he was supposed to keep me and my brothers twice a week at night well my mother took masters classees.

One night, the phone rang and I answered on the cordless phone the same time I picked up. A woman’s voice came on and I moved into a closet to listen and took notes. After the call, my father told us that the police called and the alarm had gone off at our store and he had to leave for a while. When my mother got home, I broke the news to her and she kicked him out for good that night although that was hardly the first affair.

He was also an alcoholic and it turned out a cocaine addict for a while. I became the man of the house right away and my mother found a crappy little car that I could use to do errands and take care of my brothers even though I was 14 (I got my license at 15 so it wasn’t a shocking sin in Louisiana). The carnage of the next 4 years can never be repaired and I had to have my father arrested for stealing from our house once although nothing ever came of it.

35

I was 20. It was kinda weird, my parents never fought but my mom came over one day (I was living in an apt in town) and told me my dad had moved out. IT was tough at first but both my parents are with people who suit them better now so I guess it worked out. I don’t really know if it’s affected me. I don’t really trust men but I was always a little odd anyway.

36

I was 12. I had figured out that dad had a new lady in his life; I’d been a Dear Abby reader for quite some time and he was doing the things Dear Abby said signalled an affair - secret phone calls, getting all spiffed up to go out for an afternoon, etc.

I wasn’t surprised because dad and mom fought a fair bit - usually over money. Mom didn’t seem to be very good at not spending money we didn’t have (not for necessities but for stuff that was really not needed). He left the next year and, to me, it was a big relief because the fights ended and I could watch movies instead of hockey on Saturday nights. At the time, I guess my mom was seeing a psych and she had me go talk to him once, where he pronounced me ‘remarkably well-adjusted’ and that was the end of that.

My mom was already full into menopause (she wasn’t young when she had me) - I don’t know if that explains her issues or not, but as I saw it, she was hard to get along with and not responsible with money which is what drove dad nuts.

Dad stayed with my stepmom until death did them part and they were devoted to each other the whole time. I lived with my mom and then on my own. Dad and my stepmom lived in town and I saw them regularly until I was 18, when they retired to England. They came back to Canada some years later and I saw them often. Mom died not long after they came back - she pined for dad and never even dated. I think, though, she had a romanticized idea of men and him. She was never the happiest of people. Now I realize that her own youth (alcoholic dad, mentally ill mom) must’ve done a number on her and that she was likely chronically depressed - at least from the time of menopause if not before.

I didn’t like my stepmom much at first but I wasn’t rude to her - just frosty. She was very British and wasn’t what you’d call warm or lighthearted. Still, she was affectionate in her way and, while we butted heads (she hated cats!), I think she liked my then-spouse better than her own son, and generally was ok so I grew fond of her. And she seemed to be good for dad, so that earned her points. Dad was a good guy - I only saw him drunk once, he didn’t hit mom or me, no drug problems or money problems or anything bad, really, and he’d had a rotten youth too so I thought it was good that he found my stepmom.

I guess the divorce affected me in that I have made it a point to be good with money and to be able to make my own way in the world and I try very hard not to be unreasonable. As for my relationships, I seem to have a knack for attracting guys who have issues with self-esteem (which, at first, are well hidden) who, I guess, subconsciously expect me to boost theirs because I’m a strong person. Because I try hard not to be judgmental, I didn’t follow my gut when it told me ‘run for the hills’ when I saw some aspects of these guys. I also figured I was being too picky and so dropped some of my requirements to accept them. That was a mistake.

I’ve done a lot of reflection and realize where I’ve made my mistakes in the past and I’m wary now, mostly of my own judgement. I haven’t written off the possibility of another relationship by any means but I am not going to be as willing to drop the ‘necessary qualities’ from my list and I definitely am going with my gut henceforth because it’s always right.

37

I was 21; my parents didn’t quite make it to their 25th wedding anniversary. I didn’t see it coming, but then I’d mostly been away at college the previous three years, and at the time, I was pretty well wrapped up in my own confusions.

They each got remarried within the next few years; their respective second marriages have now lasted longer than their marriage to each other. It’s hard to believe they thought they were compatible in the first place.

[QUOTE=Leaffan]
I don’t want to hijack this, really, but reading these stories is exactly why I feel the need to continue in a less-than-perfect relationship for the sake of an 8 and 9 year old. My personal decisions right now could affect the lives of 2 other humans forever. I think I’ll take my lumps and persever. (There’s no fighting or anything, just not much of anything really.)
[/QUOTE]
There are many kinds and degrees of less-than-perfect relationships, of course, so it kinda depends on what sort of less-than-perfect it is. In sixteen years of marriage, there’ve been times when it’s been wonderful, and other times when I wondered if it made any sense at all, so I am very much attuned to the value of persevering, working together to deal with the problems in the marrage, and finding ways to make it work for both parties.

But one thing that I’d have to think of if we had kids is, “what sort of example of marriage is this setting for them?” An abusive marriage is obviously nothing to stay with for sake of the kids, but also (assuming a breakup wouldn’t lead to destitution) I wouldn’t stay with a marriage that was “just not much of anything really” for their sake, unless I had reason to hope that that was only a temporary situation, and I was trying to work together with my spouse to get our marriage out of that state. I wouldn’t want my children growing up with the idea that getting married was to doom oneself to a life of lifelessness.

38

I was 20 when they finally gave up. But the last 5 years were pretty miserable. No fighting or anything, but they obviously weren’t happy and there was tension. As far as I can tell, it has had no effect on me. My brother was younger (17 at the time of the divorce), and oblivious to the tension and unhappiness, so he was shocked, whereas I was relieved. It may have had more effect on him, because he refuses absolutely to consider a divorce no matter how unhappy he may be.

39

I was in my 20s. I had graduated college and my sister was starting college, so it was like “Okay, they’re gone, let’s stop this sham.”

I think my mother had been unhappy for a long time, but my dad was willing to stay if she’d been willing to stay. She wasn’t, so they "separated " by her moving out of the bedroom and neither one having to check in with the other until the divorce was final about a year later. Christmas was very odd…we celebrated it at home, but my parents didn’t get gifts for each other. It was very strained.

She pulled some unnecessary vindictive shit on my dad that I’ve never forgiven her for (he wasn’t fighting the divorce, he gave her everything she asked for) and I haven’t spoken to her since. My dad is now in a long term relationship with a woman who is my kid’s grandma, for all intents and purposes. Neither one feel the need to marry, so they’re “shacking up,” but my dad is very happy and I think his lady is good for him. She’s certainly been a wonderful person and loves my kids as if they were her own grandkids (which they are, just not via the gene pool.)

40

I was about nine or so when my parents stopped sleeping in the same bedroom. My mom said it was because my dad snored to much. About a year later, my parents told me they were getting a divorce. My dad moved out of the spare bedroom and into a cabin up in the mountains. My mom started dating a lawyer. My dad discovered that living by himself up in the mountains was basically driving him insane, and my mom discovered that trying to raise a pre-teen by herself was doing the same, so she invited him to move back into the spare bedroom. While she was still dating the lawyer. This lasted for about two years, and then they remarried and started sleeping in the same bedroom again. I got to be my dad’s best man at their second wedding.

They’re still together today, fifteen years later.