My parents are seperating...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

is what would have been the thread that I’d have started if I had known at the time. But no, they decided to keep it a secret for 4 months. So now I find out today.

Let’s leave aside how stupid I feel for not knowing thusfar.

So this is some crazy shit. After all, I can’t say I’m terribly surprised though. But they just finished building a crazy big new house. This decision was made, by the way, the last time they split up. Apparently my father loves his job more then he loves my mom, according to him.

So I don’t know what the fuck to make of this. Really the whole thing makes me nauseous. First I want to add that it kind of pisses me off that my Dad can’t love my mom. That really sucks and makes me think of if that’s the way he’s always felt? It sucks and it makes me feel terrible. But on the other hand, why should they pretend to love each other? The kids are all gone. Secondly, they’re both over 60. What the hell do they think they are going to do?

Plus this leads to all other kinds of questions. What they end up doing when they get older is now up in the air. My dad has moved out into a smaller apartment at the time, but what about my mom, financially? I don’t make any money to take care of either of them.

When I think back, they did seem to fight a lot when i was growing up. But I’ve always looked past that. They were never particularly affectionate. Now I’m thinking if this is going to happen to me. Am I going to be unable to love my wife? Again, nausea is what comes to mind.

But now it all sort of makes sense. And really that’s the sad thing. I didn’t have a bad childhood. I suppose it was okay in most respects, but now everything is up in the air.

Let’s not forget that I’ve also got other problems to deal with. I am financially strapped, and it would be nice to know that I could count on my Dad to bail me out if I needed it, but that is gone, I guess.

Does anyone here know much about this? It just makes me sad for the both of them really. They were married for 30+ years and I find out that it was love-less. Maybe we’d all have been better off if they had broken it off earlier? I have no idea.

I’m a bit worried about my Mom, but she said my Dad is taking care of her financially. I sure if there was a divorce then she’d do okay by way of alimony payments. She has a real good friend to take care of her, and she is spending a lot of time with my sister. That’s a good thing because they’ve always gotten along well.

But yeah this whole business stinks. It’d be one thing if they were younger, but what the hell are they going to do? Apparently they are in therapy, but after four months, what can even happen? And how am I supposed to feel about it even if they decide to get together? It is disgusting.

2

That sucks, Merkwurdigliebe. Seems to me that for now, you just need to let the news sink in; you’re clearly still in shock (for a lot of good reasons, from what I can tell).

I haven’t been through this experience, so I’m not sure I can give you helpful advice other than to take a deep breath and take each day at a time. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

Good luck!

GT

3

Thanks for the support.

I would say that I’m kind of in shock, but it doesn’t seem that great. In a way it kind of all makes sense now. I’m not against the idea of them separating, it’s just that it brings up a lot of problems. To learn that my Dad doesn’t love my Mom kind of hurts. But I can’t say that I’d prefer for him to stay with her and just lie to himself either. It’s just a bummer I guess. What the worst thing is that I won’t get to have that sort of rock to rely on. I think that’s what I will miss the most. I really notice how common it is for people to have parents who are together though, and I’m not in that crowd…

4

How so? They’re both the same people, they love you just the same, and they’ll treat you the same. You can still go to either one of them for any of the same emotional needs you ever did before.

It’s tough to come to the realization that things aren’t going to be the way you always thought they would be, but it’ll sink in and with every passing day, week, month, year … it will feel more natural. At the same time, it’s okay to mourn the loss of that reality. It’s the reality you lived with all your life and now it’s gone. It’s okay to feel sad.

I say this as a 30 year old, whose parents split when he was 8.

5
  1. You can’t make someone love someone. It doesn’t work that way. He may well have always felt that way; you said they stayed together for the children.
  2. Yes, it sucks.
  3. They shouldn’t have to pretend anything - if they stuck together for the sake of the kids and the kids are gone, why the heck should they force themselves to stay together now they have nothing in common at all?
  4. They could sell the honkin’ great house and get small apartments.

And in the end, it’s not your problem, it’s not your call, and it’s not up to you to solve it. All you can do is continue to love them both as your mom and dad and not get involved in their marriage… or lack thereof.

6

It’s not the end of the world.

Not at all.

My folks split when I was 14. I’m a happily married man at 47 (going on 11 years) and see no reason for that to change.

It was, in many ways the best thing that happened for everyone.

I didn’t see it coming at 14 (too engrossed with growing up) but now see what different people they are. It’s stunning. How they stayed together for as long as they did (27 years) I will never know.

Don’t automatically think that they don’t love each other. They just can’t live together. It’s a strange concept perhaps, but it happens.

I still see both of my parents. Communicate weekly. And we all get together for special occasions. They don’t hate each other by any means. But boy oh boy are they different from each other.

Understand that your parents splitting up has nothing to do with the future for you and your Wife. Focus on your life with your Wife. Your goals.

IMHO, it’s important to sometimes be ‘selfish’. If you don’t have your own house in order, you cannot help anyone else.

7

My parents should have been divorced long ago, if indeed they should have ever been married at all. I can’t ever remember them getting along or being affectionate. Well, once or twice when I was a kid, I found them sitting next to each other on the couch. As in, actually touching. And it freaked me out – not in the typical “Ew gross, my parents are kissing” way, but because it was such unusual behavior. NO affection ever. At ALL. No hand holding, no little kindnesses toward each other, no endearing nicknames, nothing. Just antagonism all the time.

Now, 40 years later, it’s all the same. What a waste of their lives, to be miserable for 40 years, just because . . . why? The embarrassment of a divorce? (Who cares what people say. It’s YOUR life, not theirs.) Inertia? (Get off your bum and do something if you don’t like your life. No one else is going to change it for you.) Money? (I’d rather be poor and happy than not-quite-as-poor and miserable.)

If my parents got a divorce, it would be a happy day, let me tell you. But it’ll never happen.

We kids definitely would have been better off if they’d divorced. My mom kicked my dad out of the house once for about six months, and it was so pleasant and peaceful without all the stress and tension. But then she let him back and we were back to status quo. Staying together “for the kids” isn’t always a great idea. Especially when the kids know full well what’s going on.

8

Well, I went through almost the exact same situation, except it wasn’t kept hidden for 4 months. Parents at or over 60, me at 30, just after a huge house renovation, felt really confused, never really saw it coming, etc.

What sucked the most was that it pretty much solidified the switch from child to parent. I still go to them for advice, but I feel like they’re leaning on me more now.

The good news is, you’ll get used to it. It’s been 4 years & I’m okay with it, though I worry about Mom. She needs to date, but she won’t. Dads seem to initiate these late life divorces, and seem to land on their feet quicker (obviously I don’t know if this is statistically true, but it was for my parents & one other couple I know). Don’t be surprised if you see some crazy behavior from him in the next couple of years. They tend to let loose a little bit after 30-some years of marriage.

You’re in a unique situation. If they’re “together for the kids” most parents divorce as soon as the children are out of the house. It seems like very few wait another dozen years after that to make the change.

PM me if you want.

9

Easier said than done, especially when they’re the ones who try very hard to involve you. It may not be your marriage, but it damn sure is your family.

10

Wow that’s interesting. May take you up on the PM if I get really worried about it.

The worst thing is though is that it completely changes the way I look at the way they were when I was a kid. Was their entire marriage a farce? That’s a huge part of my childhood that needs to be re-arranged in my mind. On the one hand things are better because it happened later and I am not a child, but on the other hand I have to completely look back and realize that things are so different.

Yeah, my dad bought a motorcycle already. I thought it was weird when he told me…Again! I didn’t put it together, but I guess I started to think something was up. I don’t know what the fuck my mom will do. But I do know that she is a very strong woman. Thats one of the most reassuring things about her. She’s got a really close friend nearyby and my sister, so I guess things will be okay for her. I don’t even know if she’ll date or not.

I guess what I mostly need is time to process everything. Yes I do feel kind of angry at my Dad. He did initiate it. What the hell is my 60+ year old mom supposed to do now? Ugh… I’m worried for her. My Dad will be fine being by himself for sure, but it’s my mom that I worry about :frowning: But luckily she’s got my sister (who has her own family now) so I know that she’ll be okay. They’ve always been close too.

The worst is my brother. He’s taken my Dad’s side apparently. He’s also the one who got really pissed off at my sister for putting her son on Adderall. He is basically into telling everyone in the family how to do things. Apparently at one point my Dad and my Mom had a fight about her drinking. My Dad is a recovered alcoholic for about 20 years or so, and they fought about her drinking. She doesn’t drink to excess or whatever, it’s just that he doesn’t get to drink at all. So my brother blames it on her, but my Dad doesn’t apparently. My brother’s a royal asshole.

I almost wish that maybe they had done it sooner…I’m sure that my life would be completely different as a result (and probably far less interesting) but still. I’m not going to get involved in any kind of politics between the two of them.

Well I do feel that it’s time to grow up though. It has been a huge thing knowing that they are gone like that. Ugh.

I’ll be fine though, I just need some time for it to sink in. It’s just a little hard to see your family fall apart like that.

11

It’s crazy how similar your thoughts are to the ones I was having at the time. My brother and I didn’t really take sides. We were both pissed at Dad for leaving her, and really pissed at Mom for driving him away (she rode his ass like a rented mule for years). Obviously, things weren’t quite that simple, but it made it easy for us not to feel too sorry for one more than the other. I worry more about Mom b/c she doesn’t have as much family and/or friends, but she’s doing alright.

I got engaged & married shortly afterward, and had a baby about a year ago (actually, it will be a year exactly in 5 hours), and she totally immersed herself in those events.

The worst part was not being able to identify myself as one of those lucky people who had a perfect family. I couldn’t identify with that part of myself anymore, and was really confused. My wife, who came from a severely dysfunctional household, was royally pissed. She kept saying “What happened to the all American family I was marrying into? You pulled a bait and switch!”

Hang in there.

12

Yeah, that’s exactly what’s screwed up about it… I always had that in the back of my mind. But now it’s gone…

13

My parents split up when I was 13ish, and since then I have worried that their failure to stay (or even be from the start, perhaps) in love with each other will also feature inevitably in my love life. But aside from some sad and desperate mistakes in my late teens/early twenties (mistakes I might have made regardless) I do not believe I’m fated to fail in love. It’s taking longer than I expected, but these days my parents’ failure just spurs me on to make better decisions for myself.

Right, now where are the women with whom I can find a profound and lifelong connection?..anyone? :dubious:

14

Your parents are about the same age as my aunt and uncle. Getting out of the house in the tiny village she shouldn’t have moved into in the first place and back to the flat in a prime location, with all her friends within walking distance, was a much-needed step in the long way out of depression, for my aunt.

They’ve been separated for over a year. He does pay alimony (in Spain that can be ordered in case of separation, too), although in their case the financial part of the split was handled in a more-or-less amicable fashion without judicial intervention. Well, as amicable as it can be given that Uncle has taken to raging against any and all women (as opposed to, only against his own) and to blaming feminism for the break up.

Last time we visited her, we found her in a fury. This is unusual; it’s also kind of good news as her usual state for several years had been a funk. Turns out that a friend had referred to my uncle as “your ex-husband.” “He’s still SO my husband! We’re separated, not divorced! The GALL of her!”

She still loves him, but it was her who called it off. She just can’t be with him and stay alive.

Hopefully things will work out well for all of you.

15

You know, the most angering thing about all of this is that a lot of parents seem to have the same relationship. My parents weren’t very affectionate, but they also didn’t get in a lot of fights. I mean, aren’t most parents who are married for 30+ years in the same boat? Why the hell can’t they just be like normal parents and just fucking deal with it. It makes me more angry at my Dad because he did it because he wants to be alone. My mom on the other hand…How is she supposed to get the attention that she needs? Maybe it will work out better and she can find a man that fulfills her needs better, but I am worried. It’s very hard to not be angry at my Dad about this.

But I guess the good side is that now I’ve realized that their marriage was flawed. I can strive to be better. I have to completely change my opinion of my father now. That’s the hard part. I have to try to avoid blaming him for this. But really it feels like selfishness on his part.

16

Wanting to finally be happy doesn’t strike me as selfish; on the contrary, it seems that your father has been being selfless for quite some time.

17

This is why I always wince when I hear about a couple “staying together for the children”. While my experience is probably not universal, I’ve found the younger the children are when you split up the better they take it. My parents split when I was four, and it was never a problem for me - it’s just how my family was, and I didn’t know that I was supposed to be upset about it. My brother (who was 8) had a slightly harder time but adjusted well enough. And my friends who were teenagers when their parents broke up had their entire worlds shattered.

I also feel pity for anyone who stays in a loveless marriage for decades for a reason like that. No one should have to spend their life being miserable.

18

Why should they? Their kids are grown and self-sufficient. Why stay together? So the kids don’t have to go to two houses at Christmas?

Your parents are individuals, not just parents. Why not be happy for them and trust that their decision is the right decision for them? They still love you. You can still love them.

19

Wow, I got a lot to say about this situation.

First off, Merk…don’t choose sides on who to be mad at…it only makes 2 of the 3 people hurt and resentful, and I guarantee you’ll be one of the hurt and resentful. You need to love and support both parents as if they’re still together, but living in separate quarters. That’s what “separation” is. This is an opportunity to isolate each spouse to see if space and time makes one long for the other. To see if there is still love and longing between them. They are not divorced at this point in time. If they are in counseling, then this would be an appropriate step to “double check” if divorce is the final option or a chance for EACH spouse to make changes in their lives to become more lovable towards each other…and when I say “make changes for each other”, I mean to openly choose to make changes, not forced to make changes for each other. The separation should be seen as a half-step towards divorce or a half-step back towards a renewed marriage.

Second…marriages stagnate when there is no passion or romance. The things your mom and dad did in the past to ignite it have probably not been done in quite some time. Love between couples NEED to have passion and romance. If it doesn’t happen, then the love between a couple will slowly leak away and will devolve into a “good friendship”, or “brother and sister” love instead of a loving marriage between two people. The time apart will help each parent reconnect with themselves, their interests/hobbies and hopefully help them find apart of themselves which made them attractive to each other in the first place. So, don’t totally despair over the separation just yet; just be glad they didn’t jump headfirst into divorce proceedings.

As for your dad initiating the separation…well, somebody had to do it. But one thing I KNOW for fact…there is no right or wrong spouse here. It’s two people making changes that affect each other negatively and as time passes on, spirals downward to create a rift between them that seems to be chasm to outsiders, but may be more or less petty issues and resentments that are swept under the rug where they become one large pile of issues that can kill romance and passion which in turn, drains love towards each other.

IANA Marriage Therapist, but this is from what I have read and heard while in counseling for my own issues in my marriage. At 22 years of marriage, I still can’t claim that I have a perfect marriage either, although I do want to make it better, and I have been considering separation as well in the last couple of years to see if we still have some longing for each other like we did 22 years ago.

Good Luck!

20

You know, I wouldn’t necessarily take what your dad said about not loving your mom as gospel. He’s going through a tough time right now, and might be engaging in a little revisionist history to make himself feel better.

But whether he loved your mom or not when you were a kid–that doesn’t change your experience of your childhood. It was what it was. Knowing a little bit more of the backstory doesn’t invalidate how perceived things.

As far as worrying about your mom being alone–well, of course it’s reasonable to worry, but remember, tons of women her age lose their husbands and they do just fine. Of course, they’re more likely to lose their husbands to death than divorce, but no matter. You seem to be assuming that she needs another man to be with. She doesn’t. My dad died a few years ago, and my mom’s female friends have become more important to her. There are a bunch of them who have been widowed, and interestingly, none of them terribly interested in finding another husband. As my mom said, “what do I want with some old coot?” :slight_smile:

Anyway, sorry to hear about your situation. It truly sucks. Hang in there, and we’re here to listen.