The golden rule is not to take sides. You don’t need to know what happened between them and you probably wouldn’t understand a lot of it, anyway…it’s probably a case of “you had to be there” to understand.
Borrowing from Mrs. Doubtfire and paraphrasing a bit, if it turns out that they don’t love each other any more, that doesn’t mean they don’t love YOU. Remember that.
Hang in there!
They should stay together so you can still have this comforting illusion that everything is stable and ok?
They are not ok together. I feel for both your parents and for you and your sibs. It’s going to be tough. But as long as they don’t try to use you as a messenger and as long as you don’t put yourself in the middle, things can and will work out. Your mom will be fine–she’s a 60+ year old woman–if she hasn’t learned how to cope with Life via raising 3 kids and being married, nothing you can do or say will help her now. I bet she ends up being the stronger one, after the dust has settled.
I think what pains you most (and it is very understandable) is the loss of the illusion and the reconfiguring you have to do now. Something you took for granted is gone. You need to adjust (not saying this is easy and I don’t mean this dismissively).
I hope you find some peace. Please don’t choose sides: that will end badly for all concerned. Perhaps if you say (privately) to both of them something along the lines of “I’m sorry this has happened. I hope you are all right.” and then set some limits as to what each can say about the other to you, it might help.
Just wanted to add that you have my sympathy and understanding . The same thing is happening with my parents right now. Married for 34 years, getting a divorce sometime this year. If I say anymore about it just now I’ll just get angry. Angrier.
Thanks for the kind words everyone.
Just to let you know that things are a bit better now. I’m not terribly shocked like I was before. It still sucks to think about it, but at the very least I do get to have the benefit of time having passed. I’m not terribly angry right now, and I’m trying hard not to blame it on my Dad. I’m sure there’s other things that I don’t know. I’ve already told my Dad that I don’t particularly care to hear their sides of the story.
But yeah it does look like it’s going to end up as a divorce. I think they’ve been going to a therapist. When I asked my dad if they were getting a divorce he said, “it looks that way” so I take that to mean it’s a yes. I guess if they somehow get back together, then I’ll be pleasantly surprised.
It’s crazy because I guess they’ve kept their dysfunction hidden all of these years. I mean my parents weren’t so lovey-dovey, but who is? They never really fought for a long time. But again they could have started up again after I left the house.
Anyway, it’s not a terrible thing now. I’m okay with it I guess. I don’t feel like going home anytime soon though…
Glad you’re feeling better!
But this concerns me:
Why do you think they were hiding anything? Accept the possibility that their marriage satisfied both of them for many years, but that things have changed and now they want something else.
People do change. It’s confusing and it can be hurtful, and it makes us reluctant to trust people, but it’s one of those things that we have to acknowledge. I hate to see you think that their relationship was a fraud, because most likely it wasn’t.
Its bad but at least they’re both still alive and you can still see them both.
You most probably dont know the full story of their marriage and the stresses that went with it and probably will never know as its their business and no others,not even their families.
They may have stayed together for many years past the true marriage breakdown even if they were both making each other unhappy out of various duties to family or other concerns,so let them have their happiness now.
If the seperation is an emotional glitch then they will soon find this out and always have the chance to reconcile but I would expect this to be very unlikely going by what you say.
Sometimes divorce is the best option for happiness,my own particular parents are both dead now but I grew up with a psycho headcase,sadistic,alcoholic father who would use extreme violence after drinking several times a week on us kids and our mum.
We got used to the sound of her screaming while we quivered in bed terrified that we were going to be next.
He would have undoubtedly killed her in the end eventually but luckily for us he died of T.B. when I was twelve.
Different from your own situation I know but we prayed for our mum to leave him but we always knew that he’d track her down if she did.
In case anyones wondering I’m not looking for sympathy here or feeling sorry for myself it was just part of life,many people lived through the Blitz,we survived our parents and I’ve never once felt compelled to mug old people as a result of my childhood.
So yes its a shock to you now but you WILL get used to it,try not to let your present hurt show too much to them as they themselves are going through a difficult time and they may feel pressured into returning to a situation that made them unhappy or their feelings will be made worse by having the guilt of upsetting you on top of the other stresses.
They’ve given up one hell of a lot of their lives nurturing you now its your turn to be brave and to reassure and support THEM emotionally.
Let them have THEIR chance at happiness after all this time.
And sixty years old in this day and age does not necessarily equate with being physically helpless and being mentally deficient.