My sister told me of a funeral she recently attended. A couple had been married 50 years, and the wife died and was cremated. At the memorial, the husband said some words to the effect of, “The best day of my wife was when x gave me this ring, and now I give it back to her.” Whereupon he took off his ring and placed it in the urn with the cremains.
That struck me as somewhat odd. If I were in a similar situation, I would think that I - or perhaps one of my kids - might wish my wedding ring as a keepsake. No idea if they intend to scatter or keep the ashes. While I might stop wearing my ring at some point, a week or so after my wife’s death seems pretty quick.
So what do you think. If you are in a committed relationship in which you and your partner wear rings, and your partner dies, do you take off the ring? And if so, how soon?
Me, I’m in my mid-60s, married 40 years. The only reason I’d stop wearing my ring is if I decided I wanted to start dating at some point. If I did, I wouldn’t want the wedding ring to be the first thing to discuss with prospective dates. I’ve heard of some folk who move their ring from their left to their right hand, so I guess that would be an option. But I gotta say, at my age and after 40 years of marriage, if my wife died, I’m not sure I’d feel a desire to date anytime soon.
I think everyone is different. I can’t even predict how I’d act in such a situation. I wouldn’t necessarily wait until I wanted to date again (if I ever did). I think I’d take it off when I felt like the initial mourning period had passed. I have no idea how long that would take.
While I am pretty sure I would not do the same, I think it’s a sweet gesture. As for me, my wife still lives on, but I can’t imagine taking my ring off at any point. I mean, yeah, I take it off when I’m going to be getting messy, but as soon as my hands are clean, I put it back on. I think this is a highly personal thing, though, and I wouldn’t judge anybody’s choices.
“With this ring, I do wed, til death do us part.” Seems like he fulfilled his part of the bargain.
I would keep my ring longer but everyone grieves in their own way.
I had a former professor who did estate planning professionally. He said that jewelry caused more anguish and fighting among descendants than anything else. His advice was to just bury the jewelry with the dead.
It probably won’t hamper any discussion because keeping that ring on the left hand will cause most to think that you are still married and cause them to look elsewhere. I say switch the ring to the other hand or wear it on a chain around your neck.
We don’t all grieve the same way, while I probably wouldn’t place my ring with my dead wife, I don’t find it unusual that someone else might. I can’t remember the last time I wore my ring, but I’d probably put it on for my wife’s funeral, and once finished I’d take it off. The purpose of a funeral is for the living to formally say goodbye to the deceased. When my spouse passes, the marriage is over, so the ring comes off.
When my grandfather died not only did she keep the ring on, it wasn’t possible to take it off. Whenever she had surgery they would have to tape over it instead of removing it, which was standard. Eventually, she gave them permission to cut it off, but she wore it between 15 and 20 years.
Agree w @Tired_and_Cranky & @Odesio. The ring and the marriage it represents has served its purpose when the spouse has died and the memorial ceremony(ies) are over.
My late wife and I had different custom designed diamond wedding rings; neither were simple bands. As she got sicker & lost weight she stopped wearing hers what turned out to be about 2 years before she died. Because if she did wear it, it’d probably fall off unnoticed. Yes, we could have had it resized, but by then she was about done with most trappings of normal life. It’s not like we didn’t know we were married.
Of course I wore my ring to the very end of her life. But it was also the sort of ring that got taken off every night or when doing messy or dangerous stuff. It was not like a band installed at the wedding only to be removed by an undertaker.
After she died I stopped wearing mine. I had thought about putting it on a chain around my neck, but that never quite came together. I was still working and was also concerned about it becoming a hassle with TSA every day.
A month or two later I had it resized to fit my left pinky. I don’t wear it there every day, but I do many days. It’s a tangible reminder of who she was and what she meant to me. It’s also a darn nice looking man’s ring, wedding or no.
At the same time, I’m single and still plenty young enough to be wanting a GF. So the idea of wearing that wedding ring as a wedding ring on the wedding finger seemed wrong / inappropriate. Both back then when I was first dating and now 4 years (!) later. It would definitely send the wrong signal to any woman who’d be assuming I was just another garden variety clueless cheating husband too dumb to remove the obvious evidence.
My current GF, and a serious one, knows exactly what that ring was, is, and now represents. And has no problem with it; in fact she thinks it’s a sign of good character. Honor the memory, but don’t live in the past.
Some here may be surprised or even appalled by this story, but this is what has worked for me.
I assume folk have seen Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Larry’s wife wants to renew their vows saying, “into eternity.” And Larry said, “I thought it was til death do us part.”
When my sister told me the story, I asked if his girlfriend was in the back row at the memorial!
My sister took her wedding rings from 3 previous marriages and had them made into a nugget looking pendant. I think it’s awful looking. She found one of her “diamonds” was fake. That pissed her off for two years.
Her last husband died. She still wears those rings, 10-11 years out.
For me, at 64 and married 24 years (wife version 2.0; version 1.0 lasted 12 years), it’d be at least months before I take my ring off. I might eventually date or otherwise get involved, and at this point in time I think hypothetically that I would, but in the actual scenario where she has passed away, I’m not so sure how I’d feel.
Mrs. Cretin and I are 79 and 75, have been a couple (and best friends) for 56 years. If she goes first I’m never taking the ring off; I know her well enough to say the same would apply to her.
Which raises a point. Beyond personal preferences there are a couple of distinctly separate, but sorta correlated, objective facts about any given case:
How many years were you married or a pre-married committed couple before somebody died?
How old is the survivor now?
I’ll suggest the range of common answers will vary hugely between the lifelong into elderhood relationships such as @TreacherousCretin just above versus someone losing a spouse at e.g. age 35 after 3 years of marriage & 8 of relationship.
Congratulations to @TreacherousCretin for doing it right and not gaving bad fortune interrupt it early.
