“Allo, I iz Ali G”
It’s Hawaiian for “hello”. **
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Aw, crap. I thought that he was saying “Pa-hoi-hoi” like the lava. Some days I am a total Geo-Dork.
It seemed so irreverant.
I saw the thread title and thought “ahoy hoy!” And that was taken. Damn. OK, how about I yell at Ell for stealing my suggestion. Oh crap. That’s been done too. OK, how about I complain about someone complaining to Ell that my suggestion has been taken? Sweeeeeeeet.
Soooo, I wish…to complain!
Oh, and speaking of Monty Python (well, I am now so deal with it), how about answering your phone:
“Would you like to come upstairs?”
and when they pause in confusion, continue, “oh, have you called to arrange a holiday?”
I love it! How about this: you record “This is Richard” in your sex kitten voice and I’ll use it on my phone! Surrealism indeed! 
Ugly
You’re on.
Script me a message and I’ll be happy to comply.
I’m thinking something along the lines of “This is Richard. I’m … tied up at the moment implied smile but I’d love it if you left me a message. I’ll be sure to get with you as soon as I can.”
I’m minorly tempted to go ghetto speak, but my mom will yell at me. If its off the wall, but reasonably close to English, she’ll accept it. If its along the lines of “Hey!” “Whozdiz?” or “What?” she’ll get pissed.
(I’m leaning more and more toward “This is Richard” as the night wears on…i think I’m getting tired…)
I answer my cell “Robert Gruver”, but if I know who it is I will goof off with “Domino’s Pizza, can you hold?” and then hang up on them. Ahhhh… I love my friends.
With a hammer. <crunch>
Actually, if you get a call on a cell phone, it’s your nickel.
Do I take from this that you have to pay to receive calls on your mobile phone in the States? How does this make sense? In Ireland you only pay to make calls.
What’s wrong with a plain old “hello”…?
My cel phone is never used by anyone but me, and anyone who dials my number should be pretty clear on the concept that I will be the person answering it.
Yeah, in Europe i’s the person who MAKES the call that gets charged. Incoming calls are free (I love it here). So I actually get to say “It’s your Crown, start talking”.
PLUS, there’s the added bonus that 90% of the time, the caller’s name or number shows on the screen, so you know who’s coming on the line right away. This gives you a shortcut past the first two verbal exchanges.
ring/tweet/laadaadaa/whatever
“Hey, Jen, what’s up?”
“Just calling to see what the plan is for tonight. Are we still on for 7?”
“Yep.”
etc.
To answer the OP:
Answer by name. Like “Rick here”/“John speaking”
It’s short and formal without wrapping around too many words.
“Talk to me” is used considerably around my part of the world (direct translation).
Or the Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood greeting:
“WHO IZ IT?!!”
Most cell phones come with caller ID, so I guess I respond “Hi Sara” (unless Fred is calling) or whomever.
Otherwise a friendly “hello” works for me. I tend to dislike cutesy answering machine messages & such.
The two plans I’ve had do charge for incoming calls, though the first minute is free.
Charge, for INCOMING calls?!?
that takes the piss.
Answer your phone with ‘Whaddya want, come on, come on, this is costing me money!’
I answer mine with “You rang?” in a Lurch-esque type voice. Hey, works for me.
As an alternate, you can answer the same way I usually do:
I have Caller ID on my cell phone, so I usually tailor my responses to the nature of the call.
For some reason, when certain people call, I like firing off random Dune quotes.
“What are your orders, Piter?”
or “The Spice is Arrakis.”
I usually get some chuckles with Scream quotes:
“I wanna see what your insides look like!”
“I’ll gut you like a fish, you understand?”
With people I don’t know, I tend to prefer a disarming “What do you want, then?” Or simply, “Go ahead.”
I pretty much answer the phone with whatever pops into my head at the time.
One is to be ultra cool and say
‘Kirk here, go ahead Enterprise.’
or I sometimes just let out this expression as if I’m in the middle of doing a million important things and this call is taking me away from saving the world and say 'WHAT!?!?
It’s fun listening to the person apologize for bothering me.
My father-in-law’s answering machine used to say “What.”
Then he got complaints that it was too rude. Now it says “And?”
At our house, the usual late night greeting is “City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.” Or, since I apparently have one of those really perky voices like the ones used for automated systems…I like “The time is now…one…oh…seven. Temperature eighty four.” There’s usually a really confused pause after that…even though I always say a time that’s like six hours off. You should KNOW it’s not seven…eighty…three when you call me!
Also, I have a really juvenile sense of humor. “Is your computer running?..better go catch it!”
Corr
Since we have already cross-referenced threads, how 'bout Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
All you Eurodopers don’t seem to understand that, although Ma Bell was broken up someteen years ago, the Tri-Lateral Commission still actually runs our telecommunication system. It is only through their great and secret power that a charge can be levied against both caller and callee. It’s quite a racket, really.
Help me, I can’t breathe; I’m laughing too hard.
I answer my work cell phone (they have me on a leash. I cry myself to sleep at night.) with a quick “This is Joe,” which usually slurs into “Thizjo.” Odds are people think that it’s some slang for ‘hello’. Fortunately (?) the only people who call are cow orkers, so they know who they’re trying to reach anyway.
I consider a hammer at times, but in all honesty, I do like the little annoyance machine. (Its sooo cute!)
I sort of have caller ID, I get the number, but no name unless its been programmed in. (So unless its my house I would have to look it up to make the conection.)
Hmmm quotes… A quick run through Midsummer Nights Dream and Taming of the Shrew could be educational.
Thanks for all the ideas lovely people.