Answering the Telephone

reading through this thread, I’ve been inspired to know what your favorite phone greeting is?

Lady Ice starts the ball rolling with:
Ernie’s Mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

and I’ll add:
Joe’s taxidermy, you snuf 'em, we stuff 'em

Wanda’s Escort Service
You’ll love them!

I always give my full name. Forename, surname, and everybody knows whom he/she had caught.

I used to answer " House of Insanity - Ward 3B"
It kept the phone compony in business as people used to hang up and ring again thinking they had the wrong number.
My wife put a stop to me answering the phone in a manner which may be construed as abusive, so now I just pick up the phone and say “YEA”

I just scream “What do you want now???”

Depends who is calling:

  • if I know the person, it’s a standard “hello”, “hey”, “hiya, sweetie”, or “what now?!”, depending on the level and state of the relationship.

  • if it’s a telemarketer (“Unknown Caller”), it’s “Hello…hello…hello” etc. while they are talking, as if I cannot hear them. One of my few joys in life.

Jim’s bait and ammo…

This is Jim the Master Baiter…

(Sounding depressed)

Baskin Robins; what flavor?

Before I got caller ID I used to answer all calls with “I am not interested in buying anything!”, now with Caller ID, I just immediately ask for that person. Example:

phone: Ring, ring
caller ID: Bob Smith is calling
me picking up phone: “Is Bob Smith there please?”

I always get about a 5 second pause as people try to figure it out.

I have Caller ID in my dorm room, and I don’t answer if I don’t recognize the number (any in-state number whose first three digits are neither the campus code or my sister’s town, I know is probably for my roommate, and I either pass the phone to her or let the voicemail pick it up). If it’s a family member, I pick up the phone and say “Are you giving me money?” before they even say “hi.” If it’s a friend, I pick it up and say “I’m not here, leave a message.” Since that’s actually my voicemail message, too, I can fool people sometimes.

I pretty much just say, “hello”. If at work, I say, “This is Sunshine”.

My hubby, if he knows it’s me calling, will sometimes answer the phone saying, “Chuck’s pizzeria. Chuck speaking.” But his name’s not Chuck. He thinks this is incredibly funny but I just sort of chuckle.

One time, many years ago when I worked at an appliance parts & repair store, he called in and I happened to answer the phone. Recognizing my voice, he decided to be funny and started using this horrible Asian-guy accent (which I totally fell for even though it was obvious in hindsight) He was yelling at me, saying, “I need part! I want part! Need part vacuum!” so I’m trying to help this “customer” and asking him what kind of vacuum, what kind of part, etc, and he says, “Red part! I need red part! Red!” and I’m going, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any red parts…” and trying to be nice to this “customer” who is obviously out of his mind and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
After a few minutes he couldn’t help but start cracking up and my first thought was, “Thank god this isn’t a real customer!” and then cracked up myself.
Anyway, this was like 5 years ago and he still calls me and does that. I’ll answer my phone at work and the woman in the next cube just hears me saying, “No, I’m sorry sir…we don’t have any red parts.” She must think I’m nuts, because my company doesn’t sell anything so there’s no reason for someone to be calling me asking for parts.

Hope you all enjoyed that little glimpse into Mr. Sunshine’s demented sense of humor.

Sunshine, your hubby and Mr. Rilch oughta hook up!

“Hello, Calvin speaking. I’d like to order a large anchovy pizza.”


“Oh, I’m sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye!..I try to make everyone’s day a little more surreal.”

I’m boring. At work, I say “Hello, this is Cranky!” but that’s as interesting as it gets. And no, I use my real name, not Cranky.

My husband often answers our home phone “Meier Industries International” like we’re some multinational conglomerate.

For many years I answered the by picking up and saying “Speak!”, but it upset my grandparents so I stopped doing that. Now sometimes if I see on the Caller ID that it’s someone I know, I’ll answer with “Live sex show sir/madam?” or “Thank you come again!”. For the SO, it’s “Hello my gorgeous hunk of burning love”. Awwww yeah.

“Duffy’s Tavern, where the elite meet to eat. Duffy ain’t here. Oh, hello Duffy.”

Home: “Hello?”
Work: “Plnnr”

Alexander Graham Bell supposedly answered by saying “Ahoy! Ahoy!” He invented the damn thing, he got first dibs at the protocol.

Side note: that’s why Mr. Burns says, “Ahoy-hoy” when he’s on the phone. It’s a joke that he’s so old, he was around when the phone was invented. (And obviously missed the change in protocol)

I will, at work, occasionally answer the phone with the greeting “I told you never to call me here.” But that’s only if I know who’s calling (our phones will display the caller’s name if they’re calling from an inside extension).

Since I am the telecommunications manager for my company, I’m ALWAYS on the phone. When Verizon calls me about my accounts (for whatever reason), I always pick it up and say “what did you screw up now”…that always holds them for a few minutes. If it’s someone in the office, I’ll pick up and say “are you taking me to lunch today”…always throws them off, especially if they haven’t even thought about lunch. At home, I LOVE to mess with telemarketers. I’ll answer the phone, and as soon as I hear “this is ______ with AT&T (or whoever)”, a HUGE smile will cross my face. Its playtime!! I’ll listen to the little speech…then I’ll ask questions as if I’m interested; “really? whats the rate to (fill in foreign country)…I call there ALL the time”, or “can I get 3 calling cards too” and “how much is a toll free number”. When they get that “excited to make a sale” tone, and say “so can we switch you over today”, I always say “I work for (fill in long distance company here) and get free phone service, I don’t think so”. I’ve had several telemarketers hang up on me when I did that. And the number of calls I get has seriously dropped.

My answering machine USED to say “Leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you…if I feel like it.”
Did I get flamed. Irate, scolding messages from all my friends and family and a lot of “Umm, uh,” from various strangers. I didn’t think it was THAT extreme of a message.
When I answer, I say “Hello?”.
My SO uses a cutesy muppet voice “Ha-row?”

For the longest time I would answer the phone.
“You’ve reached 555-1212. We don’t have a machine so at the tone you’ll be speaking to a live person. BEEEP.”
Drove my Sister mad.

Small pleasures.