Unless you mistype nitwit: noxiousdouchebagwhorewannabe.
“Please feel free to run your team as you see fit. But please give me the same consideration.”
I thought I was being amusing! It requires a sarcastic tone.
And then run nekked through her team meeting.
Print out a side-by-side comparison of your team’s performance and hers. Then wrap this printout around your fist and punch her in the fucking teeth.
Sorry, not terribly vituperative, is it.
Create a fake user on Facebook, and befriend her. Make yourself a gorgeous, rich man, and tell her how she is your soul mate. Send her flowers at work. Tell her you have to meet her, and arrange for her to meet you at the train station (airport could work, but train station is traditional). Tell her to wear a yellow carnation so you’ll recognize her. Make the time “your train arrives” lunch time on the last Friday of the month.
That Friday call in sick. Wear a fake mustache, a seersucker suit, and a straw boater, and meet her at the train station. Speak with an accent. Wine her and dine her. Take her on a gondola ride. Point out the biplane overhead with the trailer that asks her to marry you. Produce a diamond ring.
Then beat her senseless with a tire iron.
You could go all Dr. Phil on her … “And how’s that working out for you?”
I’m typically a fan of brutal honesty, myself. Tell her that is the pettiest, stupidest complaint you have ever heard, and that you only bring in lunch when your team is exceeding both the productivity and the sales goals by a statistically significant margin. If you had people who weren’t meeting goals, you would follow her example of issuing write-ups. But you don’t, so she can suck it.
Is this the same twit you were nattering about a few months ago? The one that wanted to split up a fantastically productive team?
I lost track of that thread and am too lazy to find it again. How did that work out?
Take a dump on her desk. And then set it on fire.
You could put a Thurburian twist on it, and make sure she’s alone when you do it. Make sure you have an airtight alibi, though. That way when she files a complaint, she’ll look crazy, and they’ll haul her off to the funny farm.
And…
Tell her that you would be doing write-ups, but everyone is exceeding their goals. 
“If the lunches irritate you, I hope you never find out how much sex I’m having with all of them.”
When she’s leaving for the day, stop her in her car and offer her a pressed ham. Then moon her while pressing your buttcheeks against the window.
Then offer her a pressed ham with gravy.
Email her “But if I do things the way you do then my teams numbers will suck too.”
The very same twit. But I wasn’t NATTERING. I was BITCHING.
Oh, come on, passive-aggressive can be fun, too!
“Thank you very much for your email congratulating my team on exceeding our productivity goals. Of course I would be flattered if you chose to adopt some of my methods, and I wish you the best of luck in increasing your team’s productivity to match mine. Please feel free to email me whenever you need management tips - we’re a management TEAM, after all! :):):)”
You MUST include multiple smilies for maximum infuriation effect.
Invite the folks that she writes up to your lunches.
Of course, I’m not going to actually respond to her, as I hate her so that the only reason it doesn’t endanger my immortal soul is that I don’t have one. But if I were going to break my rule on never interacting with her unless absolutely necessary, I’d go with this one.
Or a big bell for every sale - “Another one for Skald’s team!”