How soon is too soon to move in?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m surprised nobody else has brought this up yet, but how are you at making big decisions? Do you wait a long time to make them and then regret them? Do you make them early/quickly and end up modifying them later? Do you set up pro-con lists, and how much do you fall for new friends/life experiences/food/a religion/a new house/etc? How many nights do you spend at each other’s places - and where are you more comfortable? Why? Have you seen him clip his toenails? Are you or he a slob, the other a neatfreak? What are your views on money and groceries - do you buy organic everything and he buys store-brand jelly? Does he wear custom-shirts and you wal-mart?

If either of you have a history of making decisions very early and then regretting them or changing them, or are both inexperienced at big decisions, I’d say that’s a warning flag. Timelines are irrelevant; it’s entirely about your comfort and how well you truly know the person.

Alice the Goon is half right - yes, studies do show that. However, the explanation is much more intricate: many of the couples who stay married and didn’t live together before marriage are people from religious backgrounds where it would be impossible to get divorced, despite their best interests. Another reason is lower-income folks tend not to be married (time, initial cost) and rather cohabitate for several years and raise children together, and then part ways. Another issue is the fact that (young) people are discussing less about the future and where they’re going before they move in together; with the cost of living being what it is, people jump to save money before they think out the legal and emotional ramifications. Are you thinking of the move to save money? Save time? Save “hassle”? Or because you want to entirely blend your lives together?

I can really clearly see this issue from both sides - when we came into the relationship, JulianSorel and I were both against moving in together before becoming engaged (the point you knew you were getting married). However, engagement isn’t yet appropriate for us just yet (family, money), so therefore for the time being we happily cohabitate. But before we moved in this summer, we knew we were getting engaged to in X amount of time, married in X number of years, that this is permanent. Over the summer one of his best friends moved in with his girlfriend, and is in the polar opposite position that we’re in - she pressured him to move out of the city, away from a place near his friends and his work and into a lower-middle class suburb where she’d just bought a house. He pays her rent (and is not on the deed), and for all the sweat equity he puts into the house and the part of her mortgage he essentially pays he gets nothing out of. At a recent wedding we attended, she confessed to me she’d forgotten to take her pill, and begged me not to tell him. So basically, she’s white trash, which is insanely bizarre, as the rest of us are setting up to be or already are white collar professionals.

If you do proceed, both of your names MUST be on the lease, you must decide that IF you break up, one of you will take the responsibility of being the one to move out (and will split the extra rent or something for the remainder of the lease, etc), and you must seriously talk about what this means. If to him it merely means he wants to be close to you, that’s all it is. But if you see it as marriage down the road (or, worse, if he “maybe” sees it as marriage, and you “definitely” see it as marriage) and he does not, you should seriously check the whole idea at the door.

22

I de facto moved in three days after our first date, though I kept giving my old roommate my half of the rent for the next six months or so, and I could have gone back there if I’d needed to. That said, if I could have gotten out of my rent obligations, I probably would have. However, I was also in college: if the whole thing had blown up in my face and I"d had to walk away from all my worldly possessions, we are talking about a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff. Thirteen years later we are still together, and we’ve been married since 2000.

I moved in so quickly because he worked nights and I didn’t like my roommate. Personally, I knew I could live comfortably with him within a few days. That rapid simpatico is why we are together, really–because it never was a lot of work to be together, there never were a lot of compromises, because we tend to agree on what is reasonable and expected. If it’s like that with the two of you–if it just seems pathetically easy and your wondering if that means you should be waiting for the other shoe to drop, don’t. Sometimes it really is simple, when both people are kind and sincere and see things the same way.

23

I had a long response all written out then pressed something and it dissapeared. Damn it! I’ll try to re-post from memory…

While I don’t tend to make major decisions impusively, I am a somewhat impatient person. I’ve lived with 2 men. The first was out of necessity. My college roommate was moving out, I needed a place to live and didn’t want to live with a stranger. It was a horrible situation and not one I’d ever want to repeat. However, I knew at the time I made the decision it was a bad one.

The second man I lived with I moved in with after 7 months. We ended up engaged and although the relationship didn’t end up working out, I don’t regret living with him.

As it stands now, we spend every night together, alternating between his place and mine. We both have cats, so a “de facto” residence is not feasible. He’s OCD neat and I’m messy but we both know about that and fortuantely, he actually ENJOYS cleaning. Weirdo.

I think it boils down to this, like one poster said above, sometimes you “just know.” Although I’ve been engaged before, I never was able to see myself marrying that man. I “just knew” I wouldn’t, even though I was in love with him. This one I know. I know I’m going to end up living with him and most likely married to him so in a way I want to just cut the crap and get down to it. It’s like when you want to do something, and you know you’re GOING to do it, waiting “just to be sure” can get maddening.

I’ve been in 2 other serious relationships other than the cohabitation partners and never lived with them, because although I was with them for a couple years each, I knew deep down it wasn’t going to be permanent so I refused to take that step, despite a fair amount of pressure from them both. I never got to the point where I “knew” much less to the point where I had any desire to live with either of them. The fact that I WANT to live with him makes waiting to actually do it a very frustrating thing.

FWIW, he’s on the same page too, we’ve talked about it. We’re both in this “we know we want to do it, we’re ready to do it, but it just seems so FAST!” stage. We’ve also both secretely looked at places without the other one knowing (although we’ve broken down and told the other.)

24

As I said, I am jaded and skeptical. However, the phrase, “I just know” has come back to bite me in the ass many a time. Maybe it’ll work out and maybe it won’t. Like any relationship, it’s a crap shoot. Do have a safety net, though, in case it doesn’t and you won’t be stuck. And for og’s sakes don’t get pregnant, which seems to happen more often than not to the people I know that move in together.

25

There is no hard and fast rule. And honestly, relationships are kind of a crap shoot anyway. There is probably an equal chance it will or won’t work out no matter what you do.

But what is the rush?

These are good feelings you are feeling right now. Sit back. Enjoy them. This is the most exhilarating part of being in love, and if things work out you may never go through this stage again. Enjoy those shivers of anticipation before you lover knocks on your door. Savor those stolen nights together in unfamiliar beds. Have fun with that rush of showing up to work in yesterday’s clothes. Ignore all the signals telling you “hurry hurry hurry!” This is the sweetness of life! Bask in it!

But also, keep something for yourself. Keep up your friendships. Keep up your hobbies. Keep up your ability to enjoy time with yourself. Keep your own space to reflect in. It’s so easy to let everything else fade away when you are so crazy in love. But really, it’s better to make sure you keep yourself a little bit grounded before you start building a life together. You want a solid foundation. Having your own physical space will help you do this.

As you know, in time the rush will wear off and something deeper will set in. Your lives will start to fall into the same rhythms- not all mashed up and squeezed together like it is now- but just naturally in tune. That is the time to move things to the next step.

You’re you going anywhere, he’s not going anywhere. You’ve got all the time in the world.

On a practical note, do make sure you have a well-planned out back-up plan. I’ve known too many people who have dragged out fading relationships for years past their expirations date simply because it’s so easy to keep things going another day, another month, another year and so complicated to untangle from something so set. What a waste of time and youth!

26

Mr. Wonderland moved in on our third date. Or, specifically, he just refused to leave. We were married about a week ago so I guess anything after the 2nd date is ok as far as I’m concerned.

27

One old-time (derogatory) term for shacking up was “playing house,” and I feel it gets at an aspect of the situation that can cause problems down the road. Deciding to move in together can (for people who care about marriage, kids, permanence) be a proxy or stalling method (without expressly intending) to put off the Big Decision. IME, women (who observationally, when they get into a serious relationship, are often the more impatient ones about moving it along and who biologically have an incentive to do so) can get hosed by cohabitation, as it allows the stereotypical commitment-phobe guy (and they do exist), or the guy who’s just not as on-board with marriage/kids plans as the girl may be, to say: “What’s the big rush, nothing would really change, we’re already living together.”

I had an SO with whom cohabitation would have caused her family’s heads to explode, and who really wasn’t okay with even spending the night at my place much, etc. She made it very clear that once she got a ring, those inconveniences would vanish right away. Manipulative? Yes but really no, just straightforward, and the fact that playing house was not an option certainly, in my case, made me more seriously (and earlier on) evaluate in detail my future intentions toward her, so there would be no risk of wasting years of her life. On balance, I’m glad she took that line and glad I didn’t pressure her to bend it.

28

Set a wedding date first. And not some far-off wedding date as in June 5, 2012, either … more like June 5, 2010.

I’m not a fan of shacking anyway – but if you’re gonna do it, you need to be smart about it. I can’t see giving up your place (or moving him into your place) unless there are fairly solid plans to make this thing permanent in the near future.

In short – anything before a ring is too soon. IMHO.

Now with that said – it’s too soon to be thinking about a ring. Enjoy this time in your relationship. Have fun with it! But for the love of God don’t make any major decisions – you are literally not in your right mind right now. You are experiencing an altered state of consciousness that will wear off in a year or two. Until then, enjoy those crazy feelings and have fun, but don’t go making drastic changes just yet :slight_smile:

29

I’ve probably got everyone beat, since Brainiac4 moved in BEFORE our first date. I think we started living together (with sex and everything) in January and decided to make our first date February 14th so we’d only have one Romantic Day of Obligation.

We had known each other for eleven years previously, and had been best friends for the previous three or so - so it wasn’t really THAT sudden. We figured that moving in would either blow things up fast and get it over with, or there wasn’t any reason to delay. We’ve been married fourteen years now.

So sometime between “what are you waiting for” and “eleven years.”

30

I wish I could believe in that. Life’s so fucking short.

31

Do you have an exit strategy? Could you sit down and negotiate one?

If you can’t imagine forming an exit strategy, that one might be needed, that a time might come when this could matter, then I’m going to say it’s too early.

If you can sit down and negotiate a reality based exit strategy, (who pays what, how much notice, who gets the couch, etc), in earnest without giggling and making light, you’re probably good to go.

32

If you take the plunge, get a place with two bedrooms (and, if you can afford it, two bathrooms), even if you end up sleeping together in one. It will do you a world of good.

Also, what will you do if your cats don’t get along?

33

Then there is the old joke:

What does a Lesbian bring on her first date?

A U-Haul.
(Lesbians are sort of known for moving in together REALLY quickly.)

34

Definately. I’ve moved on average of every 2 years for the better portion of my life. I can get out of a lease and find a place in record time, had to do it before, can definately do it again. Not to mention, I never enter a lease longer than 6 months, always month to month if I can find it.

As for the cats, I don’t know. We’ve already talked about what kind of place we’d have to get, and rents are so cheap right now with a double income we can easily afford a house big enough for the cats to live in their respective quarters…

35

Word.

36

You said you’re on the same page - but just about moving in early, that you knew you were never “going” to marry your former fiancee. That’s fine…but is he on the same page about marriage as you are? Have you specifically asked yourself what you want, and then asked him if it’s the same/what he wants? Have you given a dry run in the cats meeting each other? elbows has fantastic advice, IMHO.

37

Second date. The joke references “second date” because the follow up to “a U-haul” is “what does a gay man bring to a second date?”

38

@lindsay_bluth:

What’s the difference between what you are doing now, and being engaged? Didn’t you define being engaged as the point when you knew for sure you were getting married?

If you are where I think you are, I’d call you secretly engaged without a ring.

39

BigT, I guess the only true difference is the ring is all. I know people who say they’re going to get married, are living together, and then break up (before becoming truly engaged).

Our views also changed from the initial “we have to be engaged, ring and all, to move in together” to “we’ve discussed when we’ll get hitched and engaged and we’re already spending every night together, so let’s make it permanent”.

Also, we’ll have a party once we’re engaged, and will be allowed to share a bedroom when we visit my parents (a very big plus). :stuck_out_tongue:

40

I was pressured to move in with a guy (who made a lot more than I did) when I was single. I was living on my own in a little flat that I rented for less than $150 a month! NO WAY was I going to give up that sweet deal and move in with someone who wanted to play house. (that’s what weekends are for!). If it didn’t work out, I would be up shit creek without a paddle; my low-paying job didn’t enable me to pay $500 for an actual apartment, and I would have slit my wrists before crawling back to my parents house. So yeah, have an exit plan.