Living together: how soon is too soon?

In My Humble Opinion
1

It’s happened. I met this guy. We’ve been seeing each other for about six weeks, and I don’t think either of us have ever been happier. It’s at the point where it’s difficult to talk about our feelings for each other without sounding like a sappy 1970’s love song, and nauseating any unsuspecting bystanders.

We’ve talked about moving in together, and we’re both scared by the prospect, but we’re both sure it’s what we want to do. We just don’t want to do it too soon Extending the dating period wouldn’t be a bad thing; we have a ton of fun seeing each other on weekends, and talking during the week.

Which is the problem; because of our vastly different schedules, and our distance across town from each other, we only get to see each other two days a week or so. So the prospect of cohabitation is definitely alluring.

So, on to the OP question. How soon is too soon? How long did you date your SO before moving in together? What would you have done differently? What tips do you have on making it work? I’ve never done this before; I never really thought I’d be eager to move in with anybody. And I want to make sure it goes as well as possible.

2

When he/she shows up to the first date driving a U-Haul trailer and with pets and houseplants in tow, it’s too soon.

3

IMHO, six weeks seems awfully fast. When you’re in the beginning of a relationship, you’re likely to be up on cloud-nine–and likely to make some not-so-sensible decisions.

But then, I don’t know you. Some additional info might help us help you. Or they might just be some things you want to consider (Feel free not to answer any of these):

How old are you both?

What is your financial situation? His?

Past relationships? Are either of you on the rebound?

Have you met his family?

Um. Yes, I am nosy. Why do you ask? :wink:

I don’t know if I’m really one to talk on this, though. I always swore I wouldn’t live with someone before marriage, but here I am. My living situation at home got to be so unbearable (I had the Roommate From Hell plus TWO Great Dane Puppies), that I just gradually moved in with my sweetie. BUT, I do still have a room at my old place and pay some rent there, so if things go bad with my SO, I have a place ready to go. I’ve also made sure we’ve kept our finances completely separate. Just in case.

FTR, we had been going out about a year & a half when I “moved in.”

4

Well, Mr. Seawitch and I were living together within the first month. That was a couple of years ago, and I’ve never been in a better relationship.

It really depends on the two of you. Many times it’s bad to move to fast, sometimes a leap of faith is required. What do YOU think is right?

5

I moved in with Mr. Jeeves after we had been dating for about 6 weeks, and we have been togethor 2.5 years, so I definately feel it can work. But you need to be absolutely sure that you are ready for this.

More Questions

Is one of you messy and the other a neatfreak?

Is there anything about his apartment that bugs the heck out of you that he would be bringing with him?

Would you be moving into his place, your place, or getting a new place together?

 Bottom line is, if you feel that you are both ready for this stage, then take it.

Best of luck!

Jeeves

6

Good questions all. Thanks for your input on this.

Currently, we’re not thinking we’ll be able to move in together before April or May at the earliest, really. So, about six months or so into the relationship. I should have been clearer about that in the OP. We just want to start making plans as soon as possible.

As to the questions…

I’m 36; he’s 24. Yeah, I know.

We’re both doing okay financially; good jobs, bills under control, no major debts. And we both have good landlord references.

At least four monts each since previous relationships.

I haven’t met his family yet, but he’s met mine, and they get along famously. Mom refers to him as a ‘keeper’.

I’m a bit sloppier than he is, but he’s currently living with a roommate that makes me look like Martha Stewart, and he doesn’t seem bothered.

All his stuff looks much like my stuff. Nothing that bugs me.

We’re looking for a 3-bedroom place to share; one shared bedroom, and a separate room for each of us to use as an office, or a workroom, or whatever. Personal space is important to both of us, so we’re figuring on having it built in from the start.

Thanks for chipping in with your opinions on this; I’m sure it’s something I want, and I want to make certain it goes as well as possible.

7

I have no advice, seeing as I haven’t yet lived with an SO. I just wanted to say “CONGRATULATIONS, VIS!!”

Hope you two stay happy forever. :slight_smile:

jayjay

8

I moved in with my boyfriend at about 6 months. I felt it was a little soon, but circumstances dictated. I knew we were going to be life partners, so I didn’t worry too much about it. We’ve been together for 6 years now, married for 3.5.

Two girlfriends of mine were moving in together just as roommates. Well, a month or so before the new lease was going to start, they became more than friends. They chose to go ahead with living together, although they were both a little freaked out about it. They have been happily together for 2.5 years now, and considering making a lifetime committment.

So, here we have 2 cases of people moving in “too soon” that have worked out. Each couple was very careful of one thing: Separate space! In both cases, each person had their “own” bedroom/office. Sounds like that is what you are thinking:

Sounds like you are on the right track here. And you are waiting a while before you make the committment of moving in together. I wouldn’t worry about it.

9

I have lived with an SO. We hit it off and dated for a year, then lived together for four more years after that. We were in our 20’s. We were young and grew apart. The problem was that we grew apart two years before the relationship ended. Living together was comfortable and nice, so we subconsciously held onto that for two years despite the fact that the relationship fizzled long before.

I have also been in a relationship where we were both head over heels for each other for about 6 months… then reality hit and the relationship ended shortly thereafter.

Also, I dated a woman who had lived with her boyfreind at one point. She said everything started great. Then, after about 6-8 months, he revealed his true self… an asshole. She wanted to leave, but the fact that they had invested so much together prevented her from doing the right thing. This dragged on for a long time, they got engaged, then she eventually got fed up and just packed her bags and left.

I was also engaged once. It ended 4 days before marriage. WHEW!

My point… seemingly great relationships can and do fail. Living together only complicates matters unnecessarily.

One SO taught me that it’s better to do that which is “right” than that which is convenient.

It will be a pain to live apart. It is a hassle, but people change… especially people in their 20’s. You may know what you want at 36, but do you really trust him to know what he wants at 24?

I say… give it time. What’s the rush? I don’t know if your biological clock is ticking at 36, but in the long run, it’s better to do things right than to rush into a mistake.

If it doesn’t work out, then you both still have a place to go. If it does work out, then what’s the harm in waiting until you’re engaged to move in together? So you save some money and time. I hope everything works out for you, but allow for the possibility that the relationship may fail until you are ready to go all the way with it.

Living together will make it that much harder to walk away should the need arise.

I say… wait until you’re engaged. Do what’s “right”, not just what’s convenient. Doing what’s “right” means doing what’s responsible and sound.

Whatever you decide, I hope it’s “right” for you. I wish you the best.

10

I moved in with my wife in the first week. Things have worked out pretty good so far.

11

I dated my ex for 3 months before we moved in together. We broke up but continued to live together after 2.5 years. We left California, came to Washington together. We separated for a couple years after living together for 10 years. We’re now moving to Oregon together, as friends. We have a weird relationship…

6 weeks may be too soon. Especially with the age difference. But if you’re adaptable and think that you can be friends if you aren’t lovers then maybe. I think you should keep your current places, but have him partially move in with you. You need to know more about each other’s habits, not your love for each other. Unless neither of you really cares about sharing living space (I didn’t when I was 24, but I most certainly do at 39) then it could work.

12

I was 26, he was 38. He was a couple of weeks out from a longterm relationship. We moved in 6 weeks after our relationship began.

We’ve been together for 13 years now, married for almost 11. When it’s gonna work I think it is gonna work.

And I hereby nominate Bearflag70 as Poster who Most Missed the Subtle but Important Underlying Points. :wink: Do the right thing boys!

13

Erm… 2 days. We’d been together 2 days when I went to his house for dinner, and never went home again. We just couldn’t stand the thought of being apart.

We’ve been together 3 years on Thursday, and we’ve been engaged for 2 years in January. We couldn’t be happier. We just knew we wanted to be together always from the moment we met.

14

Some “Voice of Reason.” :stuck_out_tongue:

Before you designate yourself the Lord High Poobah of All That is (Supposedly) Reasonable, I suggest you re-read the OP.

15

Has nobody told you about the three mo threshold? No matter how cutesy wootsy and luvy duvy you all seem now; it will be a completely different story at the end of 3mo. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying you won’t still be crazy for each other I’m just saying the high of being in love will begin to ware down. And that my friend is when you start to get to know one another.

But I say one of you should keep an apartment on stand by just in case. Or even better try living with one another at days at a time i.e. weekends ect.

Good luck, and I hope you two remain happy as you are now.:wink:

16

If marriage and children are not your ultimate goals, then you can totally disregard what I have to say.

Given your ages, I’d think there’s a good possibility that if you move in together without being married, he’ll want to make that the permanent situation, whereas you, being 36 years old now, might want to make the marriage commitment sooner. That’s not to say that he would never want marriage, but if he’s 24 years old right now, well, that’s just so young for a male to be thinking of a permanent commitment.

I know it’s probably not a popular thing to say, but I think he would be more likely to think marriage sooner if you were not living together.

If you were both in your 20’s, I’d say living together would be fine. As far as the “how soon is too soon” question, well, as others have pointed out, you can have successful long-term relationships when going into a living together arrangement relatively early on.

I do believe the more crucial question in this circumstance is, should you be considering this at all? I know you both want this situation right now, but I can’t help but think that once that’s accomplished, you will be the one frustrated down the line.

To end on a positive note, I think it’s great that your mother says he’s a “keeper.” I think mothers have good intuition in this area.

17

Ummm… while most have picked up on your SO being male, I fear that some haven’t paid close enough attention to you, MrVisible…

18

My ex-husband and I dated for 3 years before moving in together. Pretty much the moment I moved in I wanted out but we ended up getting married and two years later were divorced. It didn’t feel right and never should’ve happened but I was young and dumb, what can I say.

With my current SO, we dated for 1 month before moving in together and have been together for 1 1/2 years and couldn’t be happier. When you meet the right one you just know it.

19

Are you saying MrVisible is male?

If that’s the case, sorry for my presumption, MrVisible. Guess what I had to say doesn’t apply to you.

20

I currently have an apartment of my own and a roommate that lives there. He and I were dating a year and a half ago, and due to circumstances beyond his control he had no place to stay, so I asked him to move in on a friends basis. We’ve shared a lease ever since, for a two-bedroom apartment, even though the relationship kind of fizzled out. He’s been an awesome roomie, even when he was unemployed for a bit and compulsively housecleaning. About three months into living together, we realized the romance was over, but just agreed to break up and start seeing other people. No big deal.

I’m still paying half the rent there, but where I’m REALLY staying is with the Raven, in his apartment. We’ve been constantly together for the past month, I’d say. (We met on 10-11 and about a week later, I brought over my toothbrush.) We work at the same place and carpool in, we eat lunch together, and we go home together. We have some time apart in the evenings and play on the computers, and cook, and take baths and read and stuff. I’ve never, ever been happier in my whole life. I could live with him forever. He’s incredibly sweet and loving, and most importantly on my list of things to check…he’s nice to his ex-girlfriend. (Hey, I might be an ex someday, and I want to know he’s not a Mad Stalker.)

So…before you move in, discuss what happens if you break up, put some money back in savings if you do need to move out on your own (and eventually that’ll turn into just a regular nest egg). Make sure the SO isn’t a Mad Stalker to his exes and stuff, of course. Then fling yourself into it! Life’s too short to worry about putting off loving someone.

Corr