Living together: how soon is too soon?

In My Humble Opinion
21

This is just what I was hoping that this thread would turn out to be. Thanks for contributing your experiences.

I have always been sort of a loner, and a while back I vowed that I would never be with anyone who didn’t make me happier than I am by myself. I amuse myself rather well, so I didn’t think there was any danger of a life partner coming along. I was really, really wrong; this guy has made me happier than I ever imagined being. So I find myself unprepared to get into the next stage of commitment, living together, even though I want to do so. Having your experiences to draw from is helping a lot.

Bearflag70, thanks for the advice. We are going to wait until sometime in the spring, at least. So, six months or so into the relationship. You asked a really good question:

The answer is, I do. He actually has more experience in long-term relationships than I have; I’ve been avoiding them. He’s a strong, focused man who is very good at expressing his feelings; I have a lot of confidence in his ability to put in the work that a relationship requires.

Not having the option to marry does make our situation a little different, but if we could, I would already be planning out how to propose to this guy. So I don’t know if waiting until we were engaged would make any difference. And if my biological clock is actually ticking, I’m really worried about what’ll happen when it goes off.

Primaflora… two days? Two days. I guess it’s a measure of my current emotional state, but… that is so romantic! Wow…

SHAKES, I didn’t know about the three-month threshhold. I’ll keep my eyes open, and report back in about… 48 days.

Greenlady, actually, marriage and children are our goals, though we have a bit tougher time achieving those than straight couples. What I’m hoping for with this guy is that we make a lifetime commitment to each other, and that we might be priveleged to adopt a child. One thing about not having the formal delineation about marriage in gay relationships is that it tends to make the act of moving in together a larger commitment, in my opinion, than in straight relationships. It becomes a sort of de facto marriage. Which sounds really appealing.

Rachelle, if he isn’t the right one, if there’s someone out there that can make me happier than he does, I don’t think I want to know about it. I don’t think I could physically cope with being any happier.

Corrvin, my boyfriend is currently roommates with his ex. They’ve been apart for six months, but remain good friends, and work together. And his ex is a nice guy. So, I know he’s not Mad Stalker material. Your advice on talking about what happens if we break up is excellent, though. I’ll be certain to do that; I was also planning on having some money put aside before doing the move as well. And congratulations on your SO; that sounds like the sort of life I’m really looking forward to.

And lastly, jayjay, thanks! I really hope so, too.

22

Pretty much the same for me - hubby all but moved in within a week of our first date. We eloped 4 weeks after first date. Dec 9 will be our 18th anniversary. I’m thinking it’s working out OK…

23

We held out on getting married. We met on Good Friday in 2000, and didn’t get married until September 15. It may have been longer than a week now that I think about it, because I didn’t go home with her that Friday night, it was the Monday after Easter, which I spent at a common friend’s house getting to know her - and that’s when I was counting from. I DO know we were unofficially engaged within two weeks of our first meeting. I knew pretty quick that she was ‘The One’ (and not the Jet Li kind).

24

My ex-husband pretty much moved in on our first date, and had all his stuff there within the month. We were together six years. My SO pretty much moved in before our first date. We’ve been happy together for six years.

So far, my success rate with moving in right away is 50/50.

25

Try this experiment first.

Find a subject that you most disagree on, and have a knockdown-dragout blowout, no holds barred fight. If you still want to be together after that, go for it.

26

Or lower it by five, whatever.

Six weeks isn’t long, that’s for sure. But my SO and I moved in together after ::drumroll:: six and a half days!!!

And don’t think my mama wasn’t proud, either. :wink:

We’ve been together a little over six years now, and have two rugrats. Things just seemed to fall into place. Destiny, and all that jazz.

And as usual, YMMV. Don’t try this at home, kids.

27

Go for it. Move in together. IMO, it’s the best and quickest way to get to really know somebody. Set some groundrules, have fun planning how the household expenses will be divided, etc…

Just keep finances separate for a while. Trust me on this one :smiley:

Hopefully, there will be a day where you can have a commitment ceremony, have joint bank accounts, have a will written (this is important) and start thinking about adoption. Best of luck :slight_smile:

28

Another way to look at it: what if everything goes horribly wrong? You move out. It’s a pain in the ass, you probably end up losing a few CDs and a family heirlom or two (but you may gain a few of his . . )You’d probably lose a few a mutual friends, and you’d spend six months to a year brooding. (But the breakup would do that whether or not you lived together, so that dosen’t count.) As long as he is not stalker material, you are not risking life and limb here just some pain and misery, and the bother of having to repack. go for it.

As far as the poll goes, my husband and slept apart exactly one night after the night we declared our feelings. I didn’t give up my place for another six months just because I had a lease and I couldn’t leave my friend in the lurch. Together 4 years now, married one.

29

So, I think I get the prize…

two - nearly three - weeks before our first date.

Been together something like eight years, married for six - still happy.

(We had known each other for almost ten years before we started dating - by the time we decided to start dating, it was kind of a formality.)