I’m a little more introverted than I’d like to be. I love people. I love hanging around people. I love jobs where I interact with people. I feel really grumpy on days when I have to stay in.
But I’m also just not all that social. At parties, I end up gravitating to a few close friends. I’m not great at starting conversations with new people. I feel more comfortable observing. I tend to just sit back. And I don’t want to. I want to dive right in. I want to be the life of the party. Or at least part of it. I want new people to like me and find me interesting.
Has anyone ever converted themselves into more of an extrovert? Advice?
The first is that a good social volunteer is almost forced into the social swim. If you are part of a club or other even slightly organized group, you can volunteer to take on some sort of role, such as taking RSVPs for an event, organizing the sign-up for a potluck, or sending out email reminders. This will practically force you to have a minimal interaction with every person, not just the people you already know. There is a balance to be found here – if you volunteer for every task, you could be too busy to socialize. Even outside of an organized group, you can be on the look-out to offer help in ways that give you more opportunities to get to know people better – maybe a new friend is worried about picking her sister up from the airport: offer to give her a ride. Someone new to your area has to go pick up some things from the store: instead of giving directions, say you are also going to store, and why don’t you go together?
The second suggestion has to do with your comment that you tend to stick with a few close friends at a party. When you are at a party chatting with a few close friends, try to be aware of other people joining the party who don’t seem to know as many people. You and your friends might be having such a nice conversation that it looks to others like you’re not open to expanding your group. A lone new guest at a party, where everyone else is already talking in groups, would appreciate someone making the effort to say “hey, I’m even sven, these are my friends, Friend1 and Friend2. Why don’t you join us?” Except that “why don’t you join us?” can sound stilted and weird in an informal setting, so just say something casual that gets the point across. This will incrementally do a lot more for you socially than turning into the life of the party overnight.
As a sampler, here’s a quick summary of his article:
Blocks to becoming an extrovert
Undervaluing extroversion.
Underdeveloped social skills.
Envisioning yourself as the wrong kind of extrovert.
Hanging out with the wrong people.
Overvaluing online socializing.
Suggestions for becoming more extroverted
Envision the type of extrovert you’d like to be.
Think of relationships in terms of what you can give, not in terms of what you can get.
Find the right social group for you.
Play from your strengths.
Join a club.
Develop your social skills consciously.
It also links to another article of his, Improving Social Skills, which I think is good too.
When I was a kid, I was painfully introverted. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I am totally awesome, and now I can talk to pretty much anybody.
So, how’s your self-esteem? If it’s good, maybe you should attempt to “project” it a bit. You’re you, turned up to 11. If it’s not so great, maybe try a “fake it 'til you make it” approach. If you act like you don’t suck, people won’t think you do.
When I want to strike up a conversation, a lot of times I will compliment someone on their clothing or something that otherwise relects their taste. If they’re drinking something besides some mainstream beer, I’ll often ask people about what they’re drinking. There’s always something to talk about.
Volunteering for a ‘job’ at a party or event is very rewarding. You get to take on a bit of the host or hostess role which allows you to move around in the groups easily. Being in charge of refilling drinks or wine or snacks or picking up empties or storing and retrieveing jackets or whatever give you a perfectly good lead to speak to the other guests. Ask you host for a job or volunteer for one.
During the summer I do outdoor art festivals and play this ‘role’ to help sell my work. My stuff is bright, colorful acrylics of fish and marine life, so I’m kind of this Hawaiian shirt-wearing, happy-go-lucky, chatty, smiling character out of a Jimmy Buffett song. Some people who have met me when I’m “off duty” are always surprised that I’m not that same guy.
Like you, even sven, I’m a bit of an introvert. I surround myself with a small circle of friends, I’m seldom ever the guy who starts up conversations (I’m the guy who nods a lot and says “Really? Wow, that’s great. Uh-huh. Uh-huh…and what did the other guy say? Uh-huh. Really? Alright, great.”). I tend to stay on the sidelines and take mental notes.
I occasionally wish I could be “Art Show Guy” in my day-to-day life without feeling like I was acting. Beer helps.
Fake it till you make it. Like bufftabby, I went from being shy and introverted to someone that projects as downright confident.
Compliments are the biggest key. You must also learn to take compliments. Don’t downplay them, simply thank the person. Say things with a smile, even when you have to say no*. Be easy-going, don’t just act like it. Genuinely don’t take things to heart. Remember that most people lean on the side of shy. Take an interest in them. Ask them things. And do talk about yourself. Be careful not to drone, but people prefer to share information rather than just tell everything about themselves.
*I don’t mean be a pushover. There is a time to stop being nice. You have to judge when, but start by being nice.
The best way to become an extrovert is to find something at good at and then volunteer. For instance, supposing you’re really good at making DVDs and splicing together home movies from your computer. What you can do is contact your local library or other civic organization and they often will allow you to teach a class (of course it’s free). This way people gravitate TO YOU.
When you know what you’re talking about and other people are looking to you to lead, they ask questions and all you have to do is answer. This builds your confidence.
At a party try to steer conversation toward things you know about and other people would be interested in learning. THEN, and this is IMPORTANT, let THEM ask the question. Don’t blather on like a know-it-all, you simply wait for them to ask the questions and you answer them.
I used to go to NYC a lot and you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve become the center of attention because I know how to use public transit effectively. Everyone else seems to get so confused they give up and take cabs. But I can tell you how to get from the airports to Times Square via the subways and busses.
The trick is to WAIT till people ask you.
It’s really a matter of learning how to steer conversations.
This part makes me feel like you’re more shy than introverted. An introvert doesn’t want to “dive right in”. Nor do they ever want to be life of the party.
Which is a good news for you, since shyness is a lot easier to fix than personality.
I’m both shy and introverted. Which means that I’m nervous around people, but not particularly interested in entertaining them (or being entertained by them). Occassionally, however, I find myself in work-related situations where being sociable is required. So I’ve learned to cultivate a few handy, non-intrusive “small talk” questions (How long have you been working here? Are you originally from VA?) and stock responses (I say “That’s cool” a lot). I’ve also learned how to be funny, usually in a self-deprecating way. It diffuses my nervousness and probably entertains me more than the people I’m talking to. To push me out of my bubble, I just remind myself that the worst that can happen is people think I’m “strange but nice”. If I don’t say anything, I’ll be “strange but aloof”.
And then when I get tired, I say my good-byes and leave. Because I’m an introvert and people who know me well enough to invite me places know this. With training and practice, I could give myself more endurance around people, but I’d rather do things that I don’t have to endure, like retiring to my books, music, and computer. They mean more to me than small talk and loud music. When I was younger I used to feel guilty about this trait because I was afraid of hurting people’s feelings. But now I understand that to an extroverted host, I’m just another face in a house full of guests. And for those hosts that would be offended by my early exiting, my own comfort supercedes their need for fawning attention.
I just woke up one day and started forcing myself to do it, about three years ago when I realised that no one realises your inner brilliance till you let them know about it ;). In all seriousness, I don’t really think people in my industry value introversion.
It helps that both of my parents are extroverts (have no idea how they ended up with two naturally introverted kids)-my mom works in financial sales and is very successful at it, so I started observing her first. As far as I can see, she is simply friendly to everyone and doesn’t overanalyse it. She has that general sales persona of being able to flirt with everyone and lawn furniture, in such a casual way that people enjoy it.
I make a lot of idle chitchat whenever I can-you’re a woman (as am I) so you can get away with it without coming off creepy. Well, provided you’re not hideous or whatever. Also, proper eye contact and remembering people and making sure to talk to them even. Basically being an extrovert is about making the effort but by “make an effort” I mean “learn to ask the right question and let them go on about themselves.” It’s AMAZING how easy it is to be an extrovert without talking-you get other people to talk about themselves (which is generally a favourite hobby of most human beings) but you have to “actively listen,” laugh and learn how to ask the right questions.
I also stopped trying to “reinvent” the wheel, professionally…as in figure out the answer myself. You get absolutely no credit for that at my office. I know plenty of people in my field, so now I just call them up and get them to tell me the answer. It helped me get over my distaste of talking on the phone.
Social interaction still exhausts me and I get a bit nervous but I basically put on my game face and slutty clothes and get on with it.
Quite right. Shyness and introversion are not synonyms, though probably most introverts are shy. But one definition of an introvert is one who, at some level, finds human contact tiring. They may enjoy it and even look forward to it. But after they get enough, that’s it - they then have to retire to recharge their sociability batteries.
A friend of mine is kind of an extreme example of a non-stereotypical introvert. Very assertive, self-confident ( sometimes to the point of perceived arrogance ), take-charge-in-a-crisis sort. Good sense of humor, charming when he wants to be. But he can take only so much socializing of any sort ( and I mean socializing in the broadest sense from chatting with his wife at breakfast to hosting a dinner party ) before he’s done. And when he’s done, it’s like flipping a switch, he becomes moody and withdrawn and has to have his alone time. To point of him becoming a bit of an antisocial ass if pressed to keep engaging. He realizes the occasional inappropriateness of this, but has a hard time faking it after he reaches that saturation point.
It’s a continuum of course and I won’t make a “No True Scotsman” error of claiming that real extroverts never tire of company. But generally natural introverts don’t desire to be the center of anything.
All of this is great advice. I was the quietest person ever until sometime around high school and I just decided “Fuck it”. What do you care what someone thinks about you? I don’t know how you learn this, but like they said above “fake it until it’s yours”. I mean really, just talk to some stranger about anything, if they don’t respond in kind? Fuck it, who cares? That person isn’t defining your life. There are zillions of others out there. Smile a lot, and ask questions about anything. The important thing though, is LISTEN to the answers. Then you get to be quiet again!
I’m not an extrovert, but I play one on TV. Er…make that at work. These days I talk to strangers with ease, though as an introvert I still don’t relish doing it. I don’t get nervous talking to people I don’t know now.
How did I make the transformation from butterflies in the stomach to who cares? Practice, practice, practice. After four years of training people and supervising them, I no longer stress about meeting new people at all. I can’t get anxious about it - it happens all the damn time! Don’t worry, it didn’t take all 4 years, just a few months. Putting yourself in a position where you must interact with new people will cure you quickly too.
I am extremely introverted but not at all shy. I work in an industry where human contact is frequent and being liked is extremely important. I do ok at it, and people have occasionally found that I am worth spending time with.
But I do find human contact very tiring. When I need to shut down, there is very little I can do about it save maintain a mask of civility and get the hell out. Before I was married I used to go out all the time with groups of people on the town. But when my switch flipped, I would have to leave the bar like a bat out of hell and jump in a cab to go home. No point in ruining everyone else’s good time.
This is not something about myself that I am ever going to change.
Edited to agree wholeheartedly with the desire never, ever to be the center of anything except in my own head.
This is all great advice, but way too late for me now. Been an introvert from birth. I don’t meet, talk with, or interact with many people. I do have a couple of friends and relatives I am outgoing with, but only up to a point. Like Maeglin, I find human contact tiring and often tedious. After an hour of chitchat, if we aren’t doing something or going somewhere, I just yearn to go home and read my book, watch my TV show, surf on the computer…a visit to my mother is enjoyable, but I come home feeling like I’d been on a 20 mile hike. Holidays are almost unbearable; much as I love my relatives, all that forced merriment and non-stop yakking wears me down.
I wish I had more to tell you, but I just somehow magically converted from someone who had no use for friends at all when I was a child to someone who now loves spending time with others, social interaction, evenings out, etc. Not to say it’s always a picnic, nor that my social skills are 100% of what they should be, but it just sort of happened overnight around the time I turned 16.
I am very introverted and shy when I first meet people. I always wanted to change and be able to make small talk and be outgoing and “normal”, until I learned that it can actually be a genetic trait, and what’s more, that I’m highly sensitive and that helped me to just accept who I am and respect my own needs, and not be so stressed out about changing to suit society’s ideal of how I should be. Which made me happy. Now I love and accept myself for just how I am right now. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go ahead and change if you want to and you feel you would be happier- just saying that for a lot of things, you can just accept that that’s how you are, and put your energy into working on things that actually need fixing.
Yes. There’s a famous (at least, it’s come up here on the SDMB before) article from The Atlantic Monthly about introversion (alternative link here). Introversion/extroversion, in this sense, may not be something you can change. But it is possible to learn to be less shy or more social.